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Couples Counseling...(blended stuff) - Page 2

post #21 of 24
Well, I took our rent + utilities and groceries and divided it by 4 and we are paying MUCH more than that in CS.

(even though I don't feel rent and utilities should factor into CS as the parent has to provide those regardless)

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Can you compute it with your total monthly spending? Not just categories but the actual dollar amount you spent last month? I think that would be the most convincing number. Your husband probably wants/needs to feel that of all the money he has a say in spending (which includes your paycheck if your finances are blended), 25% of it is spent on his first daughter. I suspect that the numbers may well work out that way, and it might help with the guilt for him to see that in laid out black and white.

In reality, of course, expenses in any family aren't divided this way. At any given time, one member is more expensive to maintain than another member. It just might be a useful starting place for your particular family, and might emphasize to him that you consider dsd to be 1/4 of your family.

Honest to G-d, I think you might have fewer problems if your dsd lived with you full-time. You'd have to adjust to caring for her, but your husband might start behaving a whole heck of a lot better. And there would be no lice.
post #22 of 24
OKay, I totally don't get why you would have an equal wardrobe for a kid that you dress two days a month? Clothes, yes, but equal to a child that lives there everyday? That is a flat out waste of money.

My dsd has lots of clothes here, but my dd definitely has more. Why? Because she wears more clothes! Dsd is also here 8 nights a month and we send her to school.
post #23 of 24
I don't think you need an equal clothes budget. That seems obvious. But I also think your dh should have the pleasure of buying his daughter something just because it would be special and she liked it - even if she doesn't "need" it. Similarly, you should be able to buy cute clothes for your baby regardless of whether she "needs" it. Maybe a better way to think of it would be an equal amount of "extra/discretionary" spending for fun stuff beyond the necessities.

But again, there are way bigger issues at work here - you want to celebrate your baby (understandably) and your dh wants to protect his daughter from any feelings of unfairness (regardless of the reality of the matter in terms of actual fairness). You can get past all this with some real work and open minds. We're rooting for you
post #24 of 24
hmm i guess i wasnt thinking of equal as being the same, just fair...
your dd that lives with you obviously will need more of a wardrobe, not only because she is there 24/7 but also because she is an infant and will of course go through a lot more clothes in a day than an older child... it seems that it would be a lot of adding up and breaking down to make things fair on paper with that, as far as how much per day per child spent on clothes rhair i am not sure i could even figure out what the equation would be, so i guess that isnt much of an option at all... although with the differences in the price of clothing for infants and children it could be done fairly on a same amount each monetary basis.. not meaning that the same amount gets spent at the same time, but over all in a year it works out to the same or nearly so for each...

in reality if your dsd was your bio daughter and lived with you full time, your infant daughter would still have a need for a larger wardrobe at this stage in her life and so would more than likely have a larger budget set aside for her needs...

it is soooo difficult to come up with a solution because it seems that the real issue isnt the moneies or where they are spent, but rather the way your dh feels about not living with dsd full time yet living with your dd together. making monies spent on each fair is never going to make time spent together the same...

have you guys started your counselling yet, perhaps a counsellor experienced in blending family issues would have a good solution for you...

i wish i had a better reply for you

v
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