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Unconditional Parenting Chapter 3: Too Much Control - Page 2

post #21 of 69
Thread Starter 
I have the same educational background as you dogreto and a child with Autism with big sensory issues.

I have a lot to respond to this thread but no time right now
post #22 of 69
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by poiyt View Post
I have only skimmed this thread as my pregnancy self is not co-operating with reading...but in regards to the lots of kids running wild comment..I have two thoughts on this, as at first i thought the same thing.

1) We dont know if the kids actually are "running wild". We dont know if these parents practice GD, and this is just an outburst or whatever and not a common occurance. Further, if we know its a common occurance I have to ask myself....is it affecting me? If its affecting me, why is it affecting me. Is it because society has taught me that kids need to be obedient and behave and be queit and not run around etc etc...If the only reason is because its annoying me (or some other superficial thing) than thats my problem - not the child who is "running wild". If the child is doing something to me, my child, my property etc...then thats a different story - and I would approach the parent. And go from there...

2) The other thing occured to me is that the fear of permissiveness might actually lead parents to letting their kids run wild for a variety of reasons.. a) they may have just switched from authoritative parenting to UP and are trying to find a balance - me judging them or their child isnt going to help. Me modeling GD will. b) Maybe the parents are super strict, and the child is rebelling against all the rules. We hear it all the time dont we..that parents who use conventional discipline have to resort to harsher and harsher punishments in order to get their kids to be coercive..in the attempt to get a hold of their kids so they wont be seen as permissive parents, they are actually causing the problem..

I look forward to reading the rest of this thread when I can think...
Oh for the kids who "run wild" we don't know if they are from permissive parents or not. Parents who are violent with their children sometimes switch between permissive and authoritative, or they can't discipline in public because it would be taboo - they don't want to threaten those things either, and since the only skills they have are to hit, they look like they "do nothing" in public even though they do hit their children (like my ex-neighbors) just echoing what you are saying to be my same experience

Quote:
Originally Posted by dogretro View Post
You all have made some v good points

For a little background, I have a degree in child development and used to work at a daycare. A LOT of the things kids do (kids being kids) does not phase me. And when something that is normal kid behaviour bothers me, I do ask myself if it is really "wrong" of them or if I'm just annoyed by it. Running, jumping, yelling, climbing, etc, that is stuff that I know if it bothers me, it is usually just me. Kohn gave great examples of kids doing "wrong" things like throwing a toy or splashing water *when no one else was around* and that it wasnt a big deal for the kids to be doing these things b/c there was no one around to be hurt. A kid running and playing tag who bumps into another kid and they both fall down, there is no need for correction from the parent, IMO. The kid is probably embarrassed and will pay more attention b/c they dont want it to happen again; it's self-correcting. Kids who are doing things over and over again, like deliberately pushing past much younger kids (not like a year younger, but several), throwing toys across crowded rooms, just stuff that is "wrong", it would be nice if a parent would at least say something to the kid.

It is impossible to know each family's situation, that is part of what is hard! I do try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I know that, as a foster parent, I would hate for someone to see me using WIC checks when my kids are in designer clothing to make judgments about me and how I spend my money. They wouldnt know that I had foster kids or that my mother buys almost all of dd's clothing. I do see parents who kind of "snap" in public b/c they are dealing w/ more than one child & at least one of them doesnt want to cooperate. I know it is hard for them, so I try to cut them some slack. IDK, I still think I see way more permissive parents vs controlling ones.

It is interesting that Kohn says that we feel it has to be one way or the other. This is so v true. Im glad that we are reading this book and showing people that there is more than black or white! Granted, my daughter doesnt have much opportunity to misbehave yet, but I love that I am establishing a relationship w/ her instead of a discipline plan I know a lot of it is personality, but she plays SO WELL on her own w/ out me running a commentary on what she is doing, or even actually playing w/ her. She is not constantly looking to me for affirmation, she is content to do her own thing w/ out interference. When she needs me, she comes to me (or cries out, lol). What we do flies in the face of current child/caregiver interaction advice, but it makes for such lovely time together
this is not about permissiveness in my opinion. The behavior can be caused by unmet needs, which are sometimes "more" in special needs children who are not diagnosed (I know many children who have obvious sensory issues that are never addressed, and the parents or onlookers think its a disciplinary problem) I think there is a difference between doing nothing (permissiveness) and what Kohn is recommending. I don't think he is saying to BE permissive, again, I think he is saying not to parent in FEAR OF appearing permissive. So that, a parent should not parent just so YOU dont think they are being permissive. They should parent their child with unconditional love, in away that their CHILD knows this, without regard to their neighbor thinking "oh she should at least xyz with/to her child". Now, *I* would say something to a child like that if it were my child - BUT I should say something to help them, not because you might be watching thinking I am permissive if I don't. And if I don't think I should say something, I shouldn't. And sometimes its not just about what others think but about our own fear of thinking we are being permissive. It's the "I have to do something TO my child" mentality (fear of permissiveness) - which is definitely more common then the "how can I work WITH my child" mentality. (what we fear would be permissive, but is in fact not permissive)

Permissiveness is a problem but not as much as fear of permissiveness is, and that is the message I got from Kohn. This in my experience is true. Perhaps in some places there are more permissive parents then not, but in my experience, and I've only lived in 3 states and there are 50 so I could be wrong, we more so see what poiyt described: parents who seem permissive in public, but are not at home - they just have no "in public" skills that wouldn't be taboo, so they do nothing. Matched with the parents who don't care if its taboo and will threaten/spank/otherwise punish their child in public. It leaves a very small remaining group, that may be grouped with the permissive parents, even though these are our "unconditional" parents who are working WITH their child.
post #23 of 69
I also think kohn is saying not to fear others thinking you're permissive (that others are judging you and thinking "wow that kid is let run wild". I had some experience with this yesterday. Usually ds and I aren't out and about and going to restaurants but yesterday we were out with my om and stopped for pizza as we were hours from home. we sat at a table in the back with a bar that faces the wall behind us that had books and clippings about pizza along the walls and stools to sit there as well. of course ds was done eating before everyone else an wanted to check it out. now i was raised with the mind set of when in public you have to stay in your seat....so my mom gives ds a look like what are you doing?! but thankfully she follows my cues and doesn't stop or scold him and he just checked out the books and enjoyed the stools before joining us again not to go on and on but i have to admit that i had a moment of oh i should stop him from leaving the table and climbing up on that stool... and then i realized that i was worry what the people at the other side of the restaurant were thinking or even what my mom was thinking (which i know was" get back in your chair and eat).then i thought well what is he hurting? what kid doesn't think stools are neat and i even checked out the books on my way over otherwise it could have easily turned into demands of return to your seat and even physically bringing him back.anyways.....
i also liked the quote " look at what the the kids do after the adult leaves the room"pg52 as in the previous chapters he says we need to have our kids want to be kind, considerate..... people and not just doing what we tell them out of fear of a negative reprimand or for a reward. in a way leaving the room is like a short term view of when dc grows up. i also seems to me that perhaps we'll avoid the teenage rebellion as we've stayed connected with our dc -another benefit of UPing!
I also agree that " if a child is afraid of defying you to your face, he'll figure out a way to do it behind your back" i could give numerous examples of things my brothers and i did as children for just this reason.
i also relate to the next section of overeating,under enjoying and other costs of control. i don't want to blame my parents from the troubles of my life but what kohn says rings true.
anf finally i thought i'd share that a recent article in Instructor magazine (a mag my dh gets relating to teaching) was about how students aren't motivated by rewards or punishment and how teachers were trying to find other ways to make a lasting impression on their students. it was great to see such an article for once. on the down side the little box that stands out (iykwim) was about schools who pay students to go to school.
post #24 of 69
Thread Starter 
I agree with that mommabear! When I grew up a lot of what I "learned" went out the window... I had to learn it again FOR MYSELF. It set me back in life, and as a person, big time.
post #25 of 69
Quote:
Originally Posted by Super Glue Mommy View Post
I agree with that mommabear! When I grew up a lot of what I "learned" went out the window... I had to learn it again FOR MYSELF. It set me back in life, and as a person, big time.
ME TOO...ME. TOO..... sigh. i had such inconsistency from my mother growing up...and a few different 'fathers' that were also inconsistent. it was all black and white...there were no gray areas...so i'm all mixed up now as an adult. in many ways i still feel like a kid. one big kid. so i am trying my best to apply UPing to my own 'inner child' so to speak as well as w/ my dc...

when i blow up i think WHAT is WRONG w/ me??? (ME...note how i automatically berate my WHOLE self, not my behavior...?!) i then get so depressed as i'm so horribly remorseful for being a monster to my dd...

have you guys read the last page of ch 3? it sure sums it all up (ch 3 that is...), really helped me to have a much better conclusion on our discussion of permissiveness and control. exactly what many of you have said, about balance...how it isn't black or white...its about a gray area that is peaceful, respectful, loving and kind...guiding our dc (and ourselves!) towards evolving more and more into loving respectful confident people... i love how alfie said its all about getting to a place " empowerment rather than conformity", "respectful method"s vs. "coercive." B-I-N-G-O.

now to ACE this...and not "beat myself up" when i fall short (or my dd).........that is another work in progress...
post #26 of 69
Quote:
Originally Posted by Super Glue Mommy View Post
I don't think what Kohn is suggesting is that parents BE permissive, but just that they don't parent in fear of OTHERS *thinking* they are permissive.
I agree with the first part: Kohn isn't suggesting we be permissive, I don't think, but that we don't let the fear of it drive us the opposite direction.

I don't really care if other people think I'm permissive or not. I always worry that being permissive is going to turn my sweet kids into total brats that I don't want to be around when they're young, and that when they're older they'll be the kind of people who think the world owes them, who are all takers and never givers, KWIM? Not sure if I'm being clear.
post #27 of 69
It is definitely hard to parent outside of your own house w/ out the fear that someone somewhere is judging you (b/c they are!). For instance, we were at a play place yesterday and there were some young school-aged kids there, too. They were playing "nicely" on the large climbing structure when, for some reason, they all began saying "butt crack" to each other! It was the funniest thing! They were not yelling it, just chanting it. Now, butt crack is far from the worst thing a kid could say, and *I* thought it was funny, but it could, of course, have been seen as inappropriate for them to be saying in front of little kids. I'm sure some parents were judging those kids' parents. Even I thought to myself at first, "Hmm, they really shouldnt be saying that in front of the little kids." But, then I was like, "Ehh, it's just 'butt crack', who cares?" One man's trash is another man's treasure, I suppose.

I loved what Kohn had to say about toys and playing. I think, as adults, we are so used to using tools and having everything for a purpose that we forget that the purpose of toys are for fun and imagination. I can't help but think that a lot of the "right" way of playing w/ toys is due to us having so many "educational" toys and electronic toys. There is a big difference between showing a kid how to use a new toy and constantly reminding them or dictating to them. I had a co-worker who was VERY controlling w/ her class and she would always insist that there was a right way to play w/ toys even though we were a play-based program. Cars were always cars; they could never fly thru the air or sail on the sea, stuff like that. It was pretty ridiculous. We are Waldorf-inspired (w/ some Montessori, too) when it comes to dd's toys, so she has plenty of open-ended objects that arent even necessarily toys, just fun things to fiddle with.

I cant wait for the next chapter ~ punishment as revenge, oooh!
post #28 of 69
After re-reading this chapter, and then another thread on this board - the whole toy thing made sense, but on a different level. I totally get/got that there is no right way to play with toys - but it occured to me that as parents we often think we need to be cosntantly entertaining/playing with our kids, when I dont think that needs to happen. I am by no means saying ignore your kids and never interact with them,. but I think its okay to let them play - even at young ages - and let them figure out *what* they want to do and *how* they want to do it.
post #29 of 69
sorry double post.
post #30 of 69
great. i am SO STRESSED OUT RIGHT NOW, mamas...please give me some advice.........what would you do? what would alfie say??? sigh... i don't see how i can come to a middle ground w/ my mother. she is so conflicting w/ what she believes in re. raising children. she did it w/ me, went to extremes. now she's doing it w/ my dd.

i'm stressed out to the point of tears and physical discomfort. i am hyperventilating. my dd was being yelled at and talked to very sternly/authoritatively by my mother who was reactive like she normally is and getting all melodramatic about my dd's stomping as the neighbors below us were home she said, and blah blah. my dd increased her stomping...got louder and more frequent the more my mom insisted she stop and said it w/ a really mean tone/facial expression. my dd would not go outside to jump or ride her bike.......................she continued this 'fight' w/ my mother and i asked dd to come w/ me to the next bldg to put our laundry in the dryer. she wouldn't. its like she is a glutten for punishment. she did this w/ my ex too. it broke my heart as i tried to protect her emotionally so much. now i'm feeling the same feelings in my body........ick. it is soooo ICK. HOW am i supposed to get my dd to cooperate and stop stomping for the neighbors sake? (or maybe they couldn't have cared less................) i just don't know what to do anymore when my dd does things that other adults feel she needs to stop immediately.

my mom said fine then lets go downstairs so you can meet E and M and you can explain to them why you are stomping on the floor above their heads...................... i thought this VERY CRUEL and scary for my dd. i mean, there are other options here..............my mom could have sat down w/ my dd and played a game w/ her like they used to when my dd was visiting my mom here from our old place. now its like my dd is taken for granted and gets no quality grandma time. i can see why'd she act like this. my mom has said before that my dd 'plays us against each other' like she did w/ my ex and i. well that is b.s. cuz what i see now is my mom is not UPing like i strive to and its causing conflict. so i wind up protecting my dd......just like i did w/ my ex. i hate this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm so stressed out!

now my dd is doing it more and i can see the innocent scared baby girl in her as she does it..................just to annoy and upset my mom even more. i don't know what else to do. i guess i could do something w/ my dd. but now my ds wants me too...he's whiney and wants to nap now that my mom finally woke up. i have like no relief. i'm totally overwhelmed. i have a tension headache. great...........now my mom is really gonna freak out when she sees my dd sliding across the wood floor on the footstool thing. which is fine, it doesn't scratch the floor but i'm sure my mom will complain and freak about noise yet again. telling dd in the moment is not going to help her learn and to be empowered..................or to even get her to switch gears.

i'm the parent here. the sole parent. my mom is the grandparent. but we live together and my mom provides. so is she like the other parent in 'say', or am i the primary say in all this raising kids stuff? how can i compromise w/ her when she isn't UPing???!!! or do i just feel this way because SHE is the one who brings home the bacon so i can be w/ my dc and work on my self...i have lots to heal.

i'm going nuts here. i'm freaking out cuz it feels like it was w/ my ex. only 'he' is in my mothers body now..............now there is extreme tension betw my mom and i. this is awful.

now my mother is sitting inside of her bathroom/sink area instead of in the living room w/ my dd. i'm upstairs in the loft area as my son just went down for a nap.

i don't know how this is going to work...UPing at home living w/ another adult who is not UPing too and this world feels like.................like i'm on an alien planet...its insanity. can you tell i'm absolutely frazzled right now!? this kind of thing freaks me out!!! i don't know what to do.
post #31 of 69


If you are living w/ your mom, regardless of whether she pays for things or not, she is a co-parent. You are living in the same apartment as her, it is hers, too. I dont think you can always realistically expect your mother to parent the same as you; she is not your significant other. I do think that others need to listen to us, as parents, when we say things like no spanking or time-outs, or whatever, but it would be v hard for your mother to completely change her parenting style. It also sounds like she doesnt want to and you cannot make her. This is v sucky, but it sounds to me like you can talk w/ your mom and see if you really can work things out where she becomes more gentle w/ your dd. If she does not, then your choices come down to living w/ it or moving out. It is wonderful that your mother is willing to provide for you so that you can stay home, but if you dont think it is the ideal environment for your kids, then you need to leave. I can also guarantee that your mother feels more empowered as a co-parent by the fact that she pays for you all. Moving out and paying your own way would put her back into the grandma roll. Neither of these choices are anything resembling easy, I know, but if you keep talking to her and she is not interested in changing, there is nothing you can do about it.
post #32 of 69
Quote:
Originally Posted by dogretro View Post


If you are living w/ your mom, regardless of whether she pays for things or not, she is a co-parent. You are living in the same apartment as her, it is hers, too. I dont think you can always realistically expect your mother to parent the same as you; she is not your significant other. I do think that others need to listen to us, as parents, when we say things like no spanking or time-outs, or whatever, but it would be v hard for your mother to completely change her parenting style. It also sounds like she doesnt want to and you cannot make her. This is v sucky, but it sounds to me like you can talk w/ your mom and see if you really can work things out where she becomes more gentle w/ your dd. If she does not, then your choices come down to living w/ it or moving out. It is wonderful that your mother is willing to provide for you so that you can stay home, but if you dont think it is the ideal environment for your kids, then you need to leave. I can also guarantee that your mother feels more empowered as a co-parent by the fact that she pays for you all. Moving out and paying your own way would put her back into the grandma roll. Neither of these choices are anything resembling easy, I know, but if you keep talking to her and she is not interested in changing, there is nothing you can do about it.
that is what i was thinking about all this too. and you hit the nail on the head when you said there are basically strings attached to her providing for us. COMPLETELY the truth. i've noticed she's even more awful now that we live w/ her.

i am going to check out going back to school, seeing what kind of living assistance i can get for aide, etc. it sure would be great to live on our own again if my mom's going to pull this cr*p.
post #33 of 69
I know, from my own experience, that parents still feel like they have parental control over you when you are an adult and they are paying for your stuff. My parents paid for my college (I was over the age of 21, too), so they expected certain things from me all the time (well, mostly my mom did). It made me furious, but I could see their point as I would have rules and expectations of my own kids if I were financing their lives. It's definitely poopy that she cant see you side more b/c it sounds like an otherwise ideal situation for your family
post #34 of 69
Quote:
Originally Posted by poiyt View Post
After re-reading this chapter, and then another thread on this board - the whole toy thing made sense, but on a different level. I totally get/got that there is no right way to play with toys - but it occured to me that as parents we often think we need to be cosntantly entertaining/playing with our kids, when I dont think that needs to happen. I am by no means saying ignore your kids and never interact with them,. but I think its okay to let them play - even at young ages - and let them figure out *what* they want to do and *how* they want to do it.
Yes, this entertaining them thing is mentioned in several alternative parenting style books. It is advised against. Obviously, dh and I play w/ our daughter plenty during the day, but she gets a LOT of time to play on her own. She will sit w/ toys for a long time, just looking them over, flicking the tags, poking the eyes, spinning the wheels. If left alone, she will become v engrossed and doesnt need commentary or direction. It's great!
post #35 of 69
Yeah, I sometimes have to fight the urge to do something with/talk to DD when she's obviously happily engrossed playing with her toys. I try to let her be until she needs interaction with me. It's hard, though. I often have the little red man sitting on my shoulder looking disapprovingly and telling me "bad parent! You should engage her! Talk! How will she learn vocabulary?"
post #36 of 69
Hi all, hope it's okay if I jump in...I just finished the book, and also just noticed the UP book club threads. I am a first time mom of a boy (11 weeks old). DH is starting the book, after we've already been discussing much of it (I've been blurting out parts aloud to him, and we then veer off into discussion). I haven't read back through all of the posts, but have really enjoyed the discussion I have read.

I was very clearly thinking about the book when I spent the afternoon at my sister's house this week. She has an 18 month old boy, and my mom was caring for him that day while sis was at work. I arrived with my baby (11 weeks) shortly before sis got home for the day. My mom has a lot of selfishness issues, and was a very conditional parent herself. Our family is a good example of what Kohn points out in chapter 3...opposite extremes. My sis and I are both on the over-acheiver end of the spectrum, while my brother is a felon who still relies on mom to get a cell phone contract, cosign for a car loan, etc. We were raised with the threat of grounding, removal of privileges, lack of recognition for our wishes and, consequently, became "yes-children" (as Kohn describes). We remain so to this day, never disagreeing with our mom unless we're ready for an out and out argument. She expects to not be challenged, for her children to be deferential to her "just because I'm your mother" and doesn't view us as equal adults.
I just sat back and nursed, as she pulled out toys and told nephew what toys to play with (even though he can access and choose them on his own), told him "good job" for every block he put in the shape sorter, etc. My mind was working!
Later, around dinner time, a friend came over with her 6 year old son. She wrangled with him about the number of kernels of corn he was eating, for goodness' sake (I'm serious). Only when she deemed it enough was he allowed to leave the table. She herself is obese, and I wondered if her parents had controlled her eating in such a way as a child.

I was viewing EVERYTHING that day through the lens of UP! This book has so challenged and opened my thinking about being a parent, and (painfully) made me think about my own upbringing. I talked the next day to sis on the phone, and shared my thoughts with her, and told her about the book. We both agreed that our childhood was spent always feeling like we were on the verge of getting punished for "something" (we didn't always have a good idea of what that "something" would be). We also agreed that we don't want our kids to feel that way. We both spend time with our mom out of a sense of obligation, not of enjoyment of one another's company...neither of us want that sort of relationship with our children.

I'm hoping my sis will read the book after our chat. I'm also hoping that the UP ideas will help me to re-frame my thinking about my own upbringing to heal a part of my childhood pain. I am also hopeful that it will help me to back up my parenting choices when challenged by others (like my mom).

Whew! If you made it this far, thank you for reading and considering. I'm looking forward to more discussion about this great book!
post #37 of 69
Quote:
Originally Posted by Materfamilias View Post
I often have the little red man sitting on my shoulder looking disapprovingly and telling me "bad parent! You should engage her! Talk! How will she learn vocabulary?"
There have been times I have felt like a bad mommy for "ignoring" my daughter to do other things, esp if the things are things for enjoyment (computer time, reading) instead of work (housework, cooking). But my daughter is VERY attached to me, grabs me for hugs, calls out "Mommy!" lovingly, and has many positive interactions w/ me throughout the day. I see it like the ocean, we come together and move apart as we please w/ no pressure, much like my husband and I do when he is home. Guilt is for when you have done something wrong. Allowing your child to have time to themselves, and to see you caring for yourself and enjoying yourself, is good for them!

My daughter is about to turn one and she knows plenty of words that we have not tried to teach her. For instance, she learned the word "cookie" not b/c we tried to teach it to her but b/c she eats so darn many of them! She picked it up b/c I will ask her if she wants a cookie & one day she started saying it back, lol! Some words we have taught her and some she has acquired thru every day conversation.

Good for you, Heather, in doing something different than what you were raised with! It can be difficult, but you know it is the right thing to do! Welcome to our discussion!
post #38 of 69
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by haurelia View Post
Hi all, hope it's okay if I jump in...I just finished the book, and also just noticed the UP book club threads. I am a first time mom of a boy (11 weeks old). DH is starting the book, after we've already been discussing much of it (I've been blurting out parts aloud to him, and we then veer off into discussion). I haven't read back through all of the posts, but have really enjoyed the discussion I have read.

I was very clearly thinking about the book when I spent the afternoon at my sister's house this week. She has an 18 month old boy, and my mom was caring for him that day while sis was at work. I arrived with my baby (11 weeks) shortly before sis got home for the day. My mom has a lot of selfishness issues, and was a very conditional parent herself. Our family is a good example of what Kohn points out in chapter 3...opposite extremes. My sis and I are both on the over-acheiver end of the spectrum, while my brother is a felon who still relies on mom to get a cell phone contract, cosign for a car loan, etc. We were raised with the threat of grounding, removal of privileges, lack of recognition for our wishes and, consequently, became "yes-children" (as Kohn describes). We remain so to this day, never disagreeing with our mom unless we're ready for an out and out argument. She expects to not be challenged, for her children to be deferential to her "just because I'm your mother" and doesn't view us as equal adults.
I just sat back and nursed, as she pulled out toys and told nephew what toys to play with (even though he can access and choose them on his own), told him "good job" for every block he put in the shape sorter, etc. My mind was working!
Later, around dinner time, a friend came over with her 6 year old son. She wrangled with him about the number of kernels of corn he was eating, for goodness' sake (I'm serious). Only when she deemed it enough was he allowed to leave the table. She herself is obese, and I wondered if her parents had controlled her eating in such a way as a child.

I was viewing EVERYTHING that day through the lens of UP! This book has so challenged and opened my thinking about being a parent, and (painfully) made me think about my own upbringing. I talked the next day to sis on the phone, and shared my thoughts with her, and told her about the book. We both agreed that our childhood was spent always feeling like we were on the verge of getting punished for "something" (we didn't always have a good idea of what that "something" would be). We also agreed that we don't want our kids to feel that way. We both spend time with our mom out of a sense of obligation, not of enjoyment of one another's company...neither of us want that sort of relationship with our children.

I'm hoping my sis will read the book after our chat. I'm also hoping that the UP ideas will help me to re-frame my thinking about my own upbringing to heal a part of my childhood pain. I am also hopeful that it will help me to back up my parenting choices when challenged by others (like my mom).

Whew! If you made it this far, thank you for reading and considering. I'm looking forward to more discussion about this great book!
Thank you so much for sharing with us!! I'm glad you are joining us. Your sister sounds like she a is good friend to you - how wonderful that you have each other, and she sounds very receptive to the ideas from UP you have presented so far, and most people wouldn't even consider reading it so I am sure your sis will be able to take away at least something since she is open minded to it. Glad to have you discussing with us!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Materfamilias View Post
Yeah, I sometimes have to fight the urge to do something with/talk to DD when she's obviously happily engrossed playing with her toys. I try to let her be until she needs interaction with me. It's hard, though. I often have the little red man sitting on my shoulder looking disapprovingly and telling me "bad parent! You should engage her! Talk! How will she learn vocabulary?"
i understand just how you feel!
post #39 of 69
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by dogretro View Post
There have been times I have felt like a bad mommy for "ignoring" my daughter to do other things, esp if the things are things for enjoyment (computer time, reading) instead of work (housework, cooking). But my daughter is VERY attached to me, grabs me for hugs, calls out "Mommy!" lovingly, and has many positive interactions w/ me throughout the day. I see it like the ocean, we come together and move apart as we please w/ no pressure, much like my husband and I do when he is home. Guilt is for when you have done something wrong. Allowing your child to have time to themselves, and to see you caring for yourself and enjoying yourself, is good for them!

My daughter is about to turn one and she knows plenty of words that we have not tried to teach her. For instance, she learned the word "cookie" not b/c we tried to teach it to her but b/c she eats so darn many of them! She picked it up b/c I will ask her if she wants a cookie & one day she started saying it back, lol! Some words we have taught her and some she has acquired thru every day conversation.

Good for you, Heather, in doing something different than what you were raised with! It can be difficult, but you know it is the right thing to do! Welcome to our discussion!
thank you for this beautiful insight!
post #40 of 69
NAK
Quote:
Originally Posted by dogretro View Post
There have been times I have felt like a bad mommy for "ignoring" my daughter to do other things, esp if the things are things for enjoyment (computer time, reading) instead of work (housework, cooking). But my daughter is VERY attached to me, grabs me for hugs, calls out "Mommy!" lovingly, and has many positive interactions w/ me throughout the day. I see it like the ocean, we come together and move apart as we please w/ no pressure, much like my husband and I do when he is home. Guilt is for when you have done something wrong. Allowing your child to have time to themselves, and to see you caring for yourself and enjoying yourself, is good for them!
I keep running into this as well! But then I'd always be cleaning and never have time for dc never mind myself.
One question I have is how to work with dc when they are doing something I can't say "oh well, it's hurting nothing"? i don't know if an example would help or not... I try to understand what is driving this behavior (seems to be sometimes tiredness, need for attention, thinks its funny etc) and address it but usually ds keeps on keeping on. its hard- hes only two so reasoning doesn't work and i have a 2 month old who loves to sleep in my arms.
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