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MIL giving a bath and playing dress-up - Page 6

post #101 of 167
Quote:
Originally Posted by AverysMomma View Post
Honey, I have a ten month old, I totally get the mamabear feelings...I understand why it bugged you...but I think you need to remember something about grandmas:

They are women, mothers, just like you. She held her baby, rocked him and hummed softly. She felt that same mama bear instinct that made her worry endlessly about your DH when he was tiny. All those special moments you love and the things about your new life as a mother that you would never trade...even on the hardest day of mothering...she had that, she has come alllll the way through that, to the other side. To watching her baby, with a baby. Think about how happy it makes you to bath your DS. Think about the fact that soon all his beautiful fat will melt away. His body will become the wiry, hard body of a little boy child and he will still be beautiful to you always...but he;ll never be a baby again...you'll never get to squish his slippery fat body in a tub again. That's sad to think about, isn't it?

Now....imagine your DS is allll grown up. The years and years have passed and he's grown into such a fine man and has a new best girl in his life...and then he marries her and they have a BABY BOY!!! "WHAT LUCK!" you would say to yourself "My baby grandson...squishy, fatty little baby, I remember how this felt...oh, this feels good!" - can you imagine. Rediscovering the joy in that experience, after losing it for so many decades? You would be in your bliss!

It's hard to remember how it feels not being around a baby, after you have your baby. But, in a whirl of years it all passes. And we look back and say "Where did it go?" - you are in your prime. This is your new budding family at it's finest...having a baby in the house is the luckiest, lovingest, cutest, most positive time in a famiy's life. Let her enjoy this time with you....I know, she sucks. She dresses him in new clothes and all of that. Just let her live this again, touching that squishy baby. And as for you....I know how absolutely awful it is to have to sit at work and miss him. But he's being loved...and it's about him. If you are at work and unavailable to enjoy yourself with him...she may as well be, right?

Let her do her thing, one day you will look at your grandkids and you will begin to relive with them those precious years from far past and you'll be so glad for your DIL, when she is kind to you and humors an old woman with a crush on her baby.
Aww, you have such a way with words. Now I want another baby. :
post #102 of 167
Quote:
Originally Posted by AverysMomma View Post
Honey, I have a ten month old, I totally get the mamabear feelings...I understand why it bugged you...but I think you need to remember something about grandmas:

They are women, mothers, just like you. She held her baby, rocked him and hummed softly. She felt that same mama bear instinct that made her worry endlessly about your DH when he was tiny. All those special moments you love and the things about your new life as a mother that you would never trade...even on the hardest day of mothering...she had that, she has come alllll the way through that, to the other side. To watching her baby, with a baby. Think about how happy it makes you to bath your DS. Think about the fact that soon all his beautiful fat will melt away. His body will become the wiry, hard body of a little boy child and he will still be beautiful to you always...but he;ll never be a baby again...you'll never get to squish his slippery fat body in a tub again. That's sad to think about, isn't it?

Now....imagine your DS is allll grown up. The years and years have passed and he's grown into such a fine man and has a new best girl in his life...and then he marries her and they have a BABY BOY!!! "WHAT LUCK!" you would say to yourself "My baby grandson...squishy, fatty little baby, I remember how this felt...oh, this feels good!" - can you imagine. Rediscovering the joy in that experience, after losing it for so many decades? You would be in your bliss!

It's hard to remember how it feels not being around a baby, after you have your baby. But, in a whirl of years it all passes. And we look back and say "Where did it go?" - you are in your prime. This is your new budding family at it's finest...having a baby in the house is the luckiest, lovingest, cutest, most positive time in a famiy's life. Let her enjoy this time with you....I know, she sucks. She dresses him in new clothes and all of that. Just let her live this again, touching that squishy baby. And as for you....I know how absolutely awful it is to have to sit at work and miss him. But he's being loved...and it's about him. If you are at work and unavailable to enjoy yourself with him...she may as well be, right?

Let her do her thing, one day you will look at your grandkids and you will begin to relive with them those precious years from far past and you'll be so glad for your DIL, when she is kind to you and humors an old woman with a crush on her baby.


best post on this thread. best post ever on MIL/DIL interaction.
post #103 of 167
Quote:
Originally Posted by SmoothieMom View Post
To the OP, are you paying these people to babysit while you work? If not I don't think you should say anything, they are doing you a favor.
As a general rule, I agree, however, not when it comes to my child. Just because I receive a "free service" doesn't mean I have to sit idly by and let people do things I'm not comfortable with or would otherwise not allow had I paid them. That's absurd.

But (BIG but)... pick your battles. A new change of clothes? A bath? A grandma excited to hold her grandbaby? Uh, not a battle worth fighting in my opinion, of which financial compensation has NOTHING to do with it.
post #104 of 167
AverysMomma, that was just beautiful.
post #105 of 167
Quote:
This post made me cry. Because my fear is one day, my boys will have babies I never get to see because mothers are naturally so much closer to their own mothers rather than a mother in law.
Me too. I'm already worried about what kind of mothers the girls my sons marry are going to be...& my oldest is only 7!
post #106 of 167
Remember you can always give him ANOTHER bath when you get home. Most babies love baths and fortunatly there are no rules that say only bath bubba once a day
post #107 of 167
MIL trusts you with HER son, you can trust her with yours.
post #108 of 167

omg
i had a whole post fomenting in my mind to type out, and your post, averysmomma, left me in tears, and all that i had originally thought has dissolved and im now feeling like i *get it* with my own MIL. thank you. very much. for your beautiful post, that made me reframe things in a huge way. i will be seeing MIL Sunday, and this post has changed the way I will be toward her with the kids. i feel a warmth and an empathy toward her i have never felt before. and now, with a son of my own, too, i really am appreciating this, this lightbulb moment. thank you.


to the op, i totally get where youre coming from, too. big hugs to you. i looked at your blog, and you are all just lovely. the picture of you outside, with your ds in the sling gives me warm fuzzies i would totally be freaked out, myself, had this whole situation happened to me as a first time mama. something you said in your post earlier-about how your own parents would never have done that without asking you. that made me think, bc mine are the same. i think the whole entire relationship between a grown woman and her parents and a grown man and his parents is very different in alot of ways. men are different in the way that they handle things, too, irt to parenting. like, your parents may know about your preferences because you've had lots of dialogue with them about your mothering, but your dh is prob. not on the phone with his parents often, doing the same. ykwim?

my dh is very loving and caring and would also have reacted much like your dh. like, what's the big deal?
the mama bear instinct is so strong. i can imagine that this is a really sticky place to be in. especially with your little fella so little.

i hope you can find a comfort zone with MIL, for your own peace of heart, and for her, too.
hugs again,
e
post #109 of 167
Must remember to actually type post before submitting. Sigh.

And now I've run out of time. Will post later. Sorry!
post #110 of 167
Oh momma! This sounds like a tough situation you're in. I have only read the OP's posts...not much of the other awesome MDC mommas. *sorry*

At first I was going to say, Mountain out of mole hill. THEN I read more of what you described....and I must say that you are in a pickle! You are struggling with working and a VERY little baby. You are having a hard time figuring out how being a mommy and working all fits together! THat's a rough transition, especially when it's filled with hormones lol.

I see this "problem" as that you were taken by suprise! You didn't expect MIL to do this- and honestlly the THIS is of no consequence! It's that you didn't anticipate DS being bathed by anyone other than you or DH- you hadn't thought of that yet! You hadn't thought that OTHER people would do the things that you do- those things that you hold sacred!

I see the second part of this as you are still trying to draw the lines in the sand, so to speak, between DH, MIL, your dad and most of all who you want to be as a mom! Becomming a mother, with all it entails is WAY more than just having a baby to care for! This is a VERY hard role- and you are desprately trying to make the most of it, the best you can be, and be superwoman at the same time!

You also hinted that there are some Serious issues with MIL, and I really think that's got a lot to do with what you are feeling. You are feeling like she is taking over, doing things to sabotage you...in very mild ways. Maybe that's true, I've been there and it's so hard to describe, the little undermine ing things that they can do...rrrr! Maybe you are just being over sensative? over protective? over anxious? Don't know for sure. I would suggest that you take a big deep breath, and look at the situation again. You need to figure out what it is that has you so up in arms! Is it the bath? Is it the use of posible soaps? Is it that she's taken time away from you and DS of awake baby time? (we all know that a baby is sacked out after a bath!) Is it that she took you by surprise and just didn't Ask you to do that? What ever it is that's upset you I suggest that you look at it and realize what's worth fighting for.....and what needs to be overlooked!

Last, sorry I've written a novel, it seems like you and DH need to talk a bit more about his mom. If he WANTS to be the in between man, GREAT! IT's his family and he should have to deal with them- but that means that you are to handle youre family! If he doesn't want to talk to his mom, and get his point across then he needs to allow you to and back you up 100%, and make that known to his mom that he support YOU.

You have a lot to learn yet! You seem that you are doing good, and I hope that you continue to grow so much! Hang in there! You have one very darling little man, btw! Let him get all the love that the grands can give him! HE will be a better man for that love!
post #111 of 167
Quote:
Originally Posted by AverysMomma View Post
Honey, I have a ten month old, I totally get the mamabear feelings...I understand why it bugged you...but I think you need to remember something about grandmas:

They are women, mothers, just like you. She held her baby, rocked him and hummed softly. She felt that same mama bear instinct that made her worry endlessly about your DH when he was tiny. All those special moments you love and the things about your new life as a mother that you would never trade...even on the hardest day of mothering...she had that, she has come alllll the way through that, to the other side. To watching her baby, with a baby. Think about how happy it makes you to bath your DS. Think about the fact that soon all his beautiful fat will melt away. His body will become the wiry, hard body of a little boy child and he will still be beautiful to you always...but he;ll never be a baby again...you'll never get to squish his slippery fat body in a tub again. That's sad to think about, isn't it?

Now....imagine your DS is allll grown up. The years and years have passed and he's grown into such a fine man and has a new best girl in his life...and then he marries her and they have a BABY BOY!!! "WHAT LUCK!" you would say to yourself "My baby grandson...squishy, fatty little baby, I remember how this felt...oh, this feels good!" - can you imagine. Rediscovering the joy in that experience, after losing it for so many decades? You would be in your bliss!

It's hard to remember how it feels not being around a baby, after you have your baby. But, in a whirl of years it all passes. And we look back and say "Where did it go?" - you are in your prime. This is your new budding family at it's finest...having a baby in the house is the luckiest, lovingest, cutest, most positive time in a famiy's life. Let her enjoy this time with you....I know, she sucks. She dresses him in new clothes and all of that. Just let her live this again, touching that squishy baby. And as for you....I know how absolutely awful it is to have to sit at work and miss him. But he's being loved...and it's about him. If you are at work and unavailable to enjoy yourself with him...she may as well be, right?

Let her do her thing, one day you will look at your grandkids and you will begin to relive with them those precious years from far past and you'll be so glad for your DIL, when she is kind to you and humors an old woman with a crush on her baby.
God you're good.
post #112 of 167
Quote:
Originally Posted by yarngoddess View Post
Oh momma! This sounds like a tough situation you're in. I have only read the OP's posts...not much of the other awesome MDC mommas. *sorry*

At first I was going to say, Mountain out of mole hill. THEN I read more of what you described....and I must say that you are in a pickle! You are struggling with working and a VERY little baby. You are having a hard time figuring out how being a mommy and working all fits together! THat's a rough transition, especially when it's filled with hormones lol.

I see this "problem" as that you were taken by suprise! You didn't expect MIL to do this- and honestlly the THIS is of no consequence! It's that you didn't anticipate DS being bathed by anyone other than you or DH- you hadn't thought of that yet! You hadn't thought that OTHER people would do the things that you do- those things that you hold sacred!

I see the second part of this as you are still trying to draw the lines in the sand, so to speak, between DH, MIL, your dad and most of all who you want to be as a mom! Becomming a mother, with all it entails is WAY more than just having a baby to care for! This is a VERY hard role- and you are desprately trying to make the most of it, the best you can be, and be superwoman at the same time!

You also hinted that there are some Serious issues with MIL, and I really think that's got a lot to do with what you are feeling. You are feeling like she is taking over, doing things to sabotage you...in very mild ways. Maybe that's true, I've been there and it's so hard to describe, the little undermine ing things that they can do...rrrr! Maybe you are just being over sensative? over protective? over anxious? Don't know for sure. I would suggest that you take a big deep breath, and look at the situation again. You need to figure out what it is that has you so up in arms! Is it the bath? Is it the use of posible soaps? Is it that she's taken time away from you and DS of awake baby time? (we all know that a baby is sacked out after a bath!) Is it that she took you by surprise and just didn't Ask you to do that? What ever it is that's upset you I suggest that you look at it and realize what's worth fighting for.....and what needs to be overlooked!

Last, sorry I've written a novel, it seems like you and DH need to talk a bit more about his mom. If he WANTS to be the in between man, GREAT! IT's his family and he should have to deal with them- but that means that you are to handle youre family! If he doesn't want to talk to his mom, and get his point across then he needs to allow you to and back you up 100%, and make that known to his mom that he support YOU.

You have a lot to learn yet! You seem that you are doing good, and I hope that you continue to grow so much! Hang in there! You have one very darling little man, btw! Let him get all the love that the grands can give him! HE will be a better man for that love!
I agree completely with this!

I too would have been upset. I wouldn't have made an issue, because I tend to be very empathetic, and I totally get why your MIL is doing what she is doing. I feel sad for her actually. But yeah, I would be very upset too. I'm just an over-protective, uptight, anal freak like that. So, sue me.
post #113 of 167
Quote:
Originally Posted by Devaskyla View Post
Me too. I'm already worried about what kind of mothers the girls my sons marry are going to be...& my oldest is only 7!
Maybe we should start a thread on this!! I have 2 boys. The oldest just turned 6 and I swear I think about what sort of mama my Grandbabies will have.

It kinda scares the carp outta me to be honest. I had homebirths, no vax or circ, extended BFing, baby wearing, Co Sleeping, CDing, ECing, Cooking from scratch, Consensual Living, Homeschooling and on and on....

My poor DIL's. I wonder if I will be one of those awful sMother In Laws that has completely unfair expectations.
post #114 of 167
Quote:
Originally Posted by AverysMomma View Post
Honey, I have a ten month old, I totally get the mamabear feelings...I understand why it bugged you...but I think you need to remember something about grandmas:

They are women, mothers, just like you. She held her baby, rocked him and hummed softly. She felt that same mama bear instinct that made her worry endlessly about your DH when he was tiny. All those special moments you love and the things about your new life as a mother that you would never trade...even on the hardest day of mothering...she had that, she has come alllll the way through that, to the other side. To watching her baby, with a baby. Think about how happy it makes you to bath your DS. Think about the fact that soon all his beautiful fat will melt away. His body will become the wiry, hard body of a little boy child and he will still be beautiful to you always...but he;ll never be a baby again...you'll never get to squish his slippery fat body in a tub again. That's sad to think about, isn't it?

Now....imagine your DS is allll grown up. The years and years have passed and he's grown into such a fine man and has a new best girl in his life...and then he marries her and they have a BABY BOY!!! "WHAT LUCK!" you would say to yourself "My baby grandson...squishy, fatty little baby, I remember how this felt...oh, this feels good!" - can you imagine. Rediscovering the joy in that experience, after losing it for so many decades? You would be in your bliss!

It's hard to remember how it feels not being around a baby, after you have your baby. But, in a whirl of years it all passes. And we look back and say "Where did it go?" - you are in your prime. This is your new budding family at it's finest...having a baby in the house is the luckiest, lovingest, cutest, most positive time in a famiy's life. Let her enjoy this time with you....I know, she sucks. She dresses him in new clothes and all of that. Just let her live this again, touching that squishy baby. And as for you....I know how absolutely awful it is to have to sit at work and miss him. But he's being loved...and it's about him. If you are at work and unavailable to enjoy yourself with him...she may as well be, right?

Let her do her thing, one day you will look at your grandkids and you will begin to relive with them those precious years from far past and you'll be so glad for your DIL, when she is kind to you and humors an old woman with a crush on her baby.
What a beautiful, wonderful post!
post #115 of 167
Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringTales View Post
I don't see what the big deal is either. You should be greatful that she's taking such a loving interest in your son. Some grandparents are very much hand's off.

If you really feel the need to address anything, you could ask to make sure she knows to never, EVER turn her back on the baby in the tub. I'm sure she does, but it will releave some of your worries that you at least addressed it. I can understand why you are uncomfortable with her bathing him though. If its really important to you, just tell her. I'd rather if you didn't bath the baby. I like to do that at night (or whenever).

Playing 'dress up' with a baby isn't going to hurt him in any way. So what if he was wearing different clothes, really.

I know how it is to feel jealous and possessive of other people in your child's life. With my first, especially, I hated any time that I had to spend away from him. Even putting him in the church nursery was a nightmare for me because I just would've rather held him and spent that time with him. Its normal, but that doesn't mean you should give in to it. You need to work through it though.
ITA. I was like this with my first baby, and I honestly regret it. My grandma, who was the most important person to me in all the world, more so than my own mother, passed away when DS was 10 months old. I'm so sorry all the times I was overprotective and didn't hand him over to her and made it seem like I was annoyed by her help and interest.

I'm about to have my 3rd baby and honestly, now I bow down and thank anyone who can take them for a half hour and give them a bath or watch them ride their bikes or whatever. I draw the line at letting a 2yo and 5yo watch Jurassic Park though

My advice is to let people in who love your child. You can't do it alone. And your child(ren) deserve to have relationships with their family. I say that in the gentlest way possible.
post #116 of 167
Oh ladies.... .... I'm glad my post resonated.

It can be challenging to have that empathy for MILs because so many of them, it seems, have these crazy personality traits (defects!! ) and they get under our skin so badly sometimes....but the thing which can't be ignored about life, is that it is crazy and feels so long and hard at times. It has a way of bending and shaping a person and every year we get a little crazier...a little more "stuck in our ways". Time has a way of causing little quirks to become bigger ones....and over the years, "crazy" has a way of seeping out of the little wrinkles and knicks in our bodies.

I think about all the sadness I've ever felt and all the joy....both of these extremes are draining in their own ways. I think about how far I have to go....I'm only 25, I've got such a road ahead of me....so, when I look at my MIL and think about some of the things she does that drive me crazy, I try to see, instead of a a manipulative woman or whatever....the divorce that almost killed her with sadness, the two teenagers who were so tough who she managed all on her own, the beautiful home that she has worked so hard to keep on her own....the long 13 years she spent investing herself 100% into her kids....those years that she never once dated or tried to find a new love for herself....those 13 years on her own...capped off by her three most precious children flying away to new families one by one. When I think about her journey, respect what she's been through....when I think of all I still have to experience in this life...I really, really love her and feel an immense respect for her presonhood, but especially her motherhood.

She held my DH to her own breast....she whispered those same loving promises in the night, which I whisper to my own LO. For that, I remind myself often, that there is no love like a mothers love...and that as much as my DH is the sun in my sky....he is her whole universe.

So. Be kind to your MIL. All we are, is a bunch of future MILs....life will make us crazy and quirky, too, it will fill us with ideas about what we would do differently, could we have those precious moments back....and inevitably, we will be bursting at the seams to try and guide our DILs, because we will have that knowledge, those ideas.

My MIL looked at me once, while I was talking about how fast this is all moving...and she said "Nat, hold onto her, please, while she's tiny like this...it goes and goes and is gone before you even realize what you have" - these words, we all exchange with such frequency...but when I looked into her eyes I saw pleading, and I heard her *real* words....which were "Oh my young girl, you cannot know the sorrow of chilhood passed. These are the best of times for you, breathe them in until you are filled with them....they never come back".

GL ladies...
post #117 of 167
AverysMomma, you have me reduced to a puddle. I don't have a MIL, but a mother and we don't have the best relationship....but she loves my dd so much.
post #118 of 167
For me personally this wouldn't be an issue. We prefer certain products used in our house for bath time but one bath isn't going to kill dd. Our dd has taken a bath when dirty at the babysitters. If your DS has allergies to particular chemicals and was exposed to these that would be a different story in my mind. But that is just me.

She probably thought it was just harmless fun. Most kids love bath time and like to play and splash and grandma thought it was cute. If it bothers you than I would ask her ot please not bathe him in the future because you have certain routine you like to follow or whatever you want to tell her. As for safety precautions, I don't really know what you mean. If your little one returned home safe and sound then I would't worry too much, especially if she was right there taking pics.
post #119 of 167
When we are launched into motherhood for the first time, it feels like our new reality, like it's going to be that intense and precious forever. It's only when those babies we henned become real boys and girls that we realize how amazingly fleeting those first months are. It *is* sad when those squishy, chubby baby feet are no longer ours to share in a splashing baby bath. And, since I have no girls, I feel a sadness that I might never be "the trusted grandma". I'll always be the MIL and the one thing I've learned in my years as a parent is that the husband's mother just can't do a single thing right. No matter what, it's never as good as the new mom's own mama would have done.

I think this thread touches a lot of nerves with those of us who have babies who have long since stopped being babies. We are starting to identify quite a bit with those grandmas (and, sadly, we can't give them back those early years of with our children either, years that may have had the cloud of jealousy and perfectionism hanging around).

Motherhood - what a can of emotional worms!
post #120 of 167
I'm in the "I don't get it" camp.

(I'm assuming MIL is a capable woman who is able to focus and care for a baby for several hours)

A midday bath is a lovely way to pass the time with a baby. It's fun for the baby, relaxing and intimate. Don't we want our babies to develop close and loving relationships with the people that love them?

My children are so close to their grandparent and they get so much from their relationships with each of them (reading, golf, magic tricks and poker with Papa; swimming and gardening with Gramps, cooking with Grandma and taking turns sleeping with her when she visits; long talks over oreos (never even on the menu at our house) and milk with my mom. Those relationships started when the children were infants (not the poker, obviously), and they continue to strengthen the children to this day. I know my children are more than safe and happy with their grandparents, and so I try to keep my interference about the minor stuff the grandparents do with the kids to a minimum. They are all (kids, grandparents, etc.) entitled to their own relationships with each other.

All the grandparents in our family are wonderful people. If there were issues with any of them I would, of course, feel differently.
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