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MIL giving a bath and playing dress-up - Page 7

post #121 of 167
Quote:
Originally Posted by AverysMomma View Post
Honey, I have a ten month old, I totally get the mamabear feelings...I understand why it bugged you...but I think you need to remember something about grandmas:

They are women, mothers, just like you. She held her baby, rocked him and hummed softly. She felt that same mama bear instinct that made her worry endlessly about your DH when he was tiny. All those special moments you love and the things about your new life as a mother that you would never trade...even on the hardest day of mothering...she had that, she has come alllll the way through that, to the other side. To watching her baby, with a baby. Think about how happy it makes you to bath your DS. Think about the fact that soon all his beautiful fat will melt away. His body will become the wiry, hard body of a little boy child and he will still be beautiful to you always...but he;ll never be a baby again...you'll never get to squish his slippery fat body in a tub again. That's sad to think about, isn't it?

Now....imagine your DS is allll grown up. The years and years have passed and he's grown into such a fine man and has a new best girl in his life...and then he marries her and they have a BABY BOY!!! "WHAT LUCK!" you would say to yourself "My baby grandson...squishy, fatty little baby, I remember how this felt...oh, this feels good!" - can you imagine. Rediscovering the joy in that experience, after losing it for so many decades? You would be in your bliss!

It's hard to remember how it feels not being around a baby, after you have your baby. But, in a whirl of years it all passes. And we look back and say "Where did it go?" - you are in your prime. This is your new budding family at it's finest...having a baby in the house is the luckiest, lovingest, cutest, most positive time in a famiy's life. Let her enjoy this time with you....I know, she sucks. She dresses him in new clothes and all of that. Just let her live this again, touching that squishy baby. And as for you....I know how absolutely awful it is to have to sit at work and miss him. But he's being loved...and it's about him. If you are at work and unavailable to enjoy yourself with him...she may as well be, right?

Let her do her thing, one day you will look at your grandkids and you will begin to relive with them those precious years from far past and you'll be so glad for your DIL, when she is kind to you and humors an old woman with a crush on her baby.
Thanks a lot - now I am sitting here at work with tears in my eyes! This is a great post!!!
post #122 of 167
OK, AverysMomma,
I didn't think you could top your previous post, but your words here are so beautiful.

Thank you.



Quote:
Originally Posted by AverysMomma View Post
Oh ladies.... .... I'm glad my post resonated.
post #123 of 167
Thank you, AverysMomma. I am a puddle as well. *wipes tears*
post #124 of 167
Yeah Averysmama-that is such a wonderful testament to being a mama. I have one baby who is going on 3, and one on the way, and EVERY time I look at those pictures of my DD as a baby I get weepy and see her beauty like it's the first time. It really is so hard to believe that it does go so fast.

I am so excited to meet our new little one. :
post #125 of 167
I totally get where you're coming from. My MIL (GMIL, actually, but functionally MIL since DH's mom died last year - which puts some things in perspective), is a dooooozy. DH and I adopted my daughter from his half-sister, and we've had a very rocky road of making sure that everyone on his side of the family respects ME as dd's mommy. It's hard, for them, for me, for dh. But it's not hard for dd - because we decided at the very beginning of our (unexpected) parenting journey that, like it or not, we ARE sharing our daughter with these people, and that the more loving, involved people in her life the better. The "ownership" issue has been a really really painful part of my own parenting journey, so I really understand. I just think that, for your son's sake, it would be good for you to try, really hard, to get past it. Soon enough, that ownership feeling is going to be challenged, not just by MIL, but by your son himself.

As time has passed I've become a little more comfortable, and a LOT less vocal, with/about the way the ILs do things with dd. I realized that my grousing about the things they did when they kept dd was doing some damage to dh's relationship with them because I was, in effect, making him choose where a choice wasn't really necessary. Sure, there are things that we insist upon, but I try to make them as few as possible so that they want to be involved, so that they don't feel like I'm trying to marginalize them. At the end of the day I AM MOMMY and dd comes home to ME.

Now, in regards to the photograph thing, I think you've got a bit of a straw man issue going on here. You have pictures of your son posted on the internet, for all the world to see. Anyone with a bit of techie skill could find you and him. So, the privacy issue is a bit weak imo. It's a decision anyone of us who have made the choice to use blogs to catalog our children's lives have to take seriously. You've clearly made the decision that you posting photos in a public place is not an invasion, and I imagine that MIL has seen those pics and has taken a cue from you on the matter. I think that, yeah, it wouldn't be right for her (or legal, for that matter) to post such pics on a blog of her own without your permission, but she hasn't done that, right? But for her to simply take and keep those photos for herself and you doesn't seem like a real problem.

And nekkid baby pictures are some of the cutest things in the world - I doubt your future adult son would feel violated by that.

Now, I'm off to take dd to MIL's house for the day.
post #126 of 167
Quote:
Originally Posted by Devaskyla View Post
Me too. I'm already worried about what kind of mothers the girls my sons marry are going to be...& my oldest is only 7!
Count me in on this worry and my son is only 3 years old.
post #127 of 167
Quote:
Originally Posted by LionTigerBear View Post
Thank you, AverysMomma. I am a puddle as well. *wipes tears*
Me too!! Just makes me totally appreciate my mil and the special relationship she has with ds. I can only hope she and ds2 can have the same. She watched ds1 a lot while I was in school. Your post really makes me want to tell her how great she is, even though she is always doing things like changing their clothes, giving treats and stuff like that. DS1 LOVES her!!
post #128 of 167
Here's my 2 cents:

It sucks to be a working mama.










Here grandma gets to enjoy special moments that you can't.

As long as she is capable of giving a bath correctly, I think she was fine.

How wonderful to see a relationship develop with her grandchild.

I'm sure I will be blasted for this.
post #129 of 167
Quote:
Originally Posted by kryztuh View Post
Sometimes I just feel like DH's family treats me like an incubator/milk factory and that's it. Need to think about it some more.
I used to feel this way sometimes too, but it does get better. This weekend my MIL said "thanks so much for taking such good care of my granddaughter", and not only did it not offend me, I actually took it as the compliment is was intended to be (although I still think it was a weird sentiment and not something I would say). A year ago it would have really bothered me. It gets better and it gets easier to allow others into your child's life.
post #130 of 167
Did I miss something? The OP is angry at her MIL for giving the baby a bath and dressing him up and taking pictures of it? Really?
post #131 of 167
Quote:
Originally Posted by srs View Post
I used to feel this way sometimes too, but it does get better. This weekend my MIL said "thanks so much for taking such good care of my granddaughter", and not only did it not offend me, I actually took it as the compliment is was intended to be (although I still think it was a weird sentiment and not something I would say). A year ago it would have really bothered me. It gets better and it gets easier to allow others into your child's life.
I know my MIL gave me a card for my B-day after DD was born and said thank you for giving us such a beautiful granddaughter. Gosh just thinking about that makes me want to cry, what a lovely compliment.
post #132 of 167
Both my mom and my mother in law will throw a kid in the tub if they're really grubby or if they've had a particularly smelly diaper. It bothered me at first, but I figure if I trust them to watch the kids, they can be trusted to bathe them.
post #133 of 167
Quote:
Originally Posted by feminist~mama View Post
I left my 1 month old dd with my mom for an hour for the first time ever and came back to find that my mom had left my dd in the swing the ENTIRE TIME! I was totally upset and angry- I rarely used the swing (I felt like it was dd's baby crack- I swear her eyes would glaze over) and my mom knew that. Plus, who wouldn't want to hold and snuggle the baby without mom there to be protective/ take her away/ have the baby wanting mama? My mom cleaned the floors... sigh. Granted, dd was perfectly happy in the swing- but still! My mom wasn't left alone with my dd for another 6-7 years after that!
This isn't the OP, but it speaks to our DIL vs. MIL (or mother) issues. She cleaned your floors and you thank her with keeping her granddaughter from her care for 6-7 YEARS???? Wow. Now would be a good time to call her and apologize for that.

When my dd1 was born, my best friend's mom (my own mom died when I was a kid) came to the hospital (a five hour drive) in the middle of the night and sat in the hall, coming in only after dd was born and a nurse let me know someone was waiting outside for us. Other than me and dp, she was the first person to hold dd. Then she went to my house. When we arrived the next day, bringing dd home for the first time, now a FAMILY of three, with videocamera rolling we walked into our house. First thing I say - on tape for all eternity - "Marty, she cleaned the floors!" I was so thrilled. We had cats and I'd been very pregnant and it was bright summer and you could tell the floors were in need of attention.

To put the baby somewhere she is happy and safe in order to clean your floors - I'd be grateful for the help. Some here would complain that their mother or MIL hogged the baby and did nothing to help. Yours did something to help and you persecuted her for it. That is really sad.
post #134 of 167
Aww thanks a lot Avery's Mom, now I'm sobbing. It just goes by so fast. DS was *just* born yesterday (I swear!) and he's turning 6 this year, going to school in the fall and just becoming all "little boy" - the "baby" is just falling off him. DD, my baby, turned 4 today. I hope to God they marry spouses that understand (and I have the good luck to be alive for that) that when they have babies, I will ache for that chance to snuggle a baby again, and to help in some way to care for them. It'll be like seeing my children reborn. Of course, the baby belongs to the parents, but it will be a gift to see one of the coolest parts of life's cycles and be a part of it.

I'll admit, when I first read this, I though, "Yeah, OK, she's being a control freak." but after hearing more, I have a better understanding. OP it is OK to let go a bit. You will always be the sunshine in your baby's sky. Even if MIL became his full-time care-giver when you were at work, YOU'RE the mama, and babies know that from day one. SAHM, WOHM, it's just something your baby knows.

Also, especially when they're first and so young, it's tough not to have very set ideas about how EVERYTHING should be done - feeding, bathing, sleeping, etc. As they get older, it's OK to loosen up a bit - if your primary deal-breaker goals are in tact (ie nursing, or no CIO, or no spanking - whatever you hold the most dear), let the small stuff go, a little.

Grandparents love to spoil their grandkids. I grew up with a really strict German mom. She was so rigid with me, with rules, expectations, etc. She was a really good mom, but just, well, kind of a hard-ass Now she is the rocking Oma to my kiddos. She plays, really gets down on the floor and PLAYS with them (and I don't like that quite as much - I could be better in that area.) She always brings over some kind of treat, and that used to drive me nuts (our diet, while not extreme, is mostly very healthful.)

But I was thinking about going to visit my grandparents in Germany when I was little and I used to get to stay with them (apartment, parents stayed in a nearby hotel.) Man, that was the COOLEST!!! My Opa used to take me to a little village market and literally let me fill the cart with whatever sweets I wanted. They spoiled me rotten. And it was awesome!!!! : (think about the joy that brings an 8 year old!!) I have such fun memories, and I think of that "grandparent" privilege when I get a bit irritated if mom shows up with (yet another) treat.

I think it's worth it to let grandparents take some liberties, and spoil our kids a bit. My kids light up when Oma walks in. I want them to have those memories. Yeah, some days I'm "mommy-no" and she gets to be the rock-star, but that's OK. It's not about me, it's about them.
post #135 of 167
AverysMomma, that was such a beautiful post. It made me teary-eyed as well. I hope I have a daughter-in-law as wonderful and as understanding as you one day!!

Your post reminded me of a time when my ds3 was tiny. We'd gone out to eat at a local restaurant and some older lady asked to hold him (we didn't know her.) We said "yes" and to this day am SO happy that we did. It was such a blessing to watch her with my babe. She stood there, rocking him gently in her arms and smoothing back his hair as she sang softly to him....you could just tell she was remembering her days as a mama of a little babe. It *still* makes me smile every time I think of it.

I hope someone is as kind to me when my arms ache for a little one to hold.
post #136 of 167
Quote:
Originally Posted by operamommy View Post

Your post reminded me of a time when my ds3 was tiny. We'd gone out to eat at a local restaurant and some older lady asked to hold him (we didn't know her.) We said "yes" and to this day am SO happy that we did. It was such a blessing to watch her with my babe. She stood there, rocking him gently in her arms and smoothing back his hair as she sang softly to him....you could just tell she was remembering her days as a mama of a little babe. It *still* makes me smile every time I think of it.

I hope someone is as kind to me when my arms ache for a little one to hold.
Okay, now I'm crying too....what a lovely story. I am almost ashamed to admit that it would totally throw me for a loop if a stranger asked to hold DD...but oh man I'm so glad you said yes...what a wonderful gift to be able to give!! How perfect and wonderful...oh oh oh!!! ::
post #137 of 167
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kirsten View Post
This isn't the OP, but it speaks to our DIL vs. MIL (or mother) issues. She cleaned your floors and you thank her with keeping her granddaughter from her care for 6-7 YEARS???? Wow. Now would be a good time to call her and apologize for that.

When my dd1 was born, my best friend's mom (my own mom died when I was a kid) came to the hospital (a five hour drive) in the middle of the night and sat in the hall, coming in only after dd was born and a nurse let me know someone was waiting outside for us. Other than me and dp, she was the first person to hold dd. Then she went to my house. When we arrived the next day, bringing dd home for the first time, now a FAMILY of three, with videocamera rolling we walked into our house. First thing I say - on tape for all eternity - "Marty, she cleaned the floors!" I was so thrilled. We had cats and I'd been very pregnant and it was bright summer and you could tell the floors were in need of attention.

To put the baby somewhere she is happy and safe in order to clean your floors - I'd be grateful for the help. Some here would complain that their mother or MIL hogged the baby and did nothing to help. Yours did something to help and you persecuted her for it. That is really sad.
Yeah, I agree. You should call her and apologize.

My mom's tons of fun, and comes up with all kinds of games w/the kids, but she would definitely stick the baby in the swing so she could do some work for me - her reasoning would be that by saving me work I would have more time to relax and hold the baby.
post #138 of 167
AverysMomma, Beautiful posts, thank you.
post #139 of 167
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fuamami View Post
Yeah, I agree. You should call her and apologize.

My mom's tons of fun, and comes up with all kinds of games w/the kids, but she would definitely stick the baby in the swing so she could do some work for me - her reasoning would be that by saving me work I would have more time to relax and hold the baby.

I agree. She definitely deserves and apology...and then some. How sad.
post #140 of 167
Quote:
Originally Posted by operamommy View Post
AverysMomma, that was such a beautiful post. It made me teary-eyed as well. I hope I have a daughter-in-law as wonderful and as understanding as you one day!!

Your post reminded me of a time when my ds3 was tiny. We'd gone out to eat at a local restaurant and some older lady asked to hold him (we didn't know her.) We said "yes" and to this day am SO happy that we did. It was such a blessing to watch her with my babe. She stood there, rocking him gently in her arms and smoothing back his hair as she sang softly to him....you could just tell she was remembering her days as a mama of a little babe. It *still* makes me smile every time I think of it.

I hope someone is as kind to me when my arms ache for a little one to hold.

that was a beautiful story,

this thread has brought back so many memories, both embarassing and nostalgic... :happysigh i love being a mom

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