I think you are overreacting, yes. But I think it's coming from a place of wanting to be with your baby and wanting to do these things yourself.
post #161 of 167
4/10/09 at 1:07am
This isn't the OP, but it speaks to our DIL vs. MIL (or mother) issues. She cleaned your floors and you thank her with keeping her granddaughter from her care for 6-7 YEARS???? Wow. Now would be a good time to call her and apologize for that.
When my dd1 was born, my best friend's mom (my own mom died when I was a kid) came to the hospital (a five hour drive) in the middle of the night and sat in the hall, coming in only after dd was born and a nurse let me know someone was waiting outside for us. Other than me and dp, she was the first person to hold dd. Then she went to my house. When we arrived the next day, bringing dd home for the first time, now a FAMILY of three, with videocamera rolling we walked into our house. First thing I say - on tape for all eternity - "Marty, she cleaned the floors!" I was so thrilled. We had cats and I'd been very pregnant and it was bright summer and you could tell the floors were in need of attention.
To put the baby somewhere she is happy and safe in order to clean your floors - I'd be grateful for the help. Some here would complain that their mother or MIL hogged the baby and did nothing to help. Yours did something to help and you persecuted her for it. That is really sad.
|OP, I do NOT think you are "over reacting". I think the feelings you have are completely normal, based on the circumstances and age of your child.
I went back to work when dd was 5 months old. I'd see a photo that her dad took while I was at work and she had on clothes that I hadn't purchased. (Her dad and I were separated and on very rocky terms). I always sent extra clothes for my baby to wear and it made me feel left out of dd's life some how. Why weren't the clothes I sent good enough? It also made me mad, thinking that they saw dd as a baby doll to play dress up with. She is a person, not a doll to play dress up with.
Every so often, I'd get dd after work and her hair smelled heavenly--she had been given a bath. I immediately felt jealousy and anger. Why did they bathe my baby? I can do that. I'm her mother. That's my job.
It hurt. Small things like that just plain hurt. Made me want to cry. It hurt because I wasn't there. I didn't get to see her have fun in the tub. I didn't get to share in that moment. Someone else did. That's why it hurt.
Sometimes I felt like a failure of a mother somehow. Perhaps because I wasn't able to stay home with her--or because my clothes weren't good enough, etc. Sometimes I felt that I shouldn't be her mother at all, since everyone else can replace me so easily--which lead to more depression. (I was already depressed and was dealing with PTSD (birth trauma).
I'd say, I had those feelings for a couple of months or so. I never said anything to anyone, because I knew that although my feelings were real--I knew that it was something that I would have to get over. And I did. I still have moments of jealousy--but usually for major events like holidays and stuff....big stuff that I miss because of work. But it gets easier.
So. Although most responses have been "you're completely over reacting", please know that the feelings you have, IMO, are completely normal. And you will get past them in time. When you want so badly to stay home with your baby and your can't, it is hard to let go of the dream.
Until you work past the feelings, please don't say things to MIL that you may regret. Don't stone her for bathing/dressing your baby. I would perhaps have a heart to heart discussion with her and tell her your feelings--like a MIL-DIL heart-to-heart talk. I'm sure she would understand the way you feel--but don't take the small joys away from her.
You'll be okay