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MIL giving a bath and playing dress-up - Page 4

post #61 of 167
My oldest is 9 and we didn't have a PC until he was a year old... But I wish I would have had a computer and the internet to talk about these kinds of things when I had my first new baby... But more importantly I wish I could have complained about these kinds of things on a message board and had thought to print them out so I could read it 9 years later

If I can suggest anything I'd suggest to try and not let these little things eat away at you, don't sweat the small stuff and maybe even print this thread out and stuff it in a baby book somewhere. I can't bash anyone for feeling this way. Most new moms will go through this but most will come out the other end and blush when they think back to those early days of motherhood
post #62 of 167
I have not read any of the replies yet, but i do think you are over-reacting. My mom gives my kids a bath all the time. My 3yo DD even takes a shower with her when she is here. I actually like it when my mom is here and she does the bath because that is something that I don't have to worry about doing when I get home from work.

And even the pictures wouldn't bother me (assuming it is a baby and not an older child). I'd even ask for copies.
post #63 of 167
I dont see what the big deal is honestly, unless you are worried about abuse for some reason. It sounds more to me like a control issue.
post #64 of 167
I think that you are completly over-reacting. There are not many things you can *do* with a 6 month old, a bath is often a fun, age appropriate activity.
I am sure she knows how to do it safely too, she is a mother herself.
post #65 of 167
Originally Posted by Maeve View Post
Also, if I wouldn't trust someone to give my child a bath, I wouldn't trust them to watch my child period.
post #66 of 167
Haven't read the replies.

I would say that you are probably overreacting, and I would let it go. But given how aggressive she is about getting baby-time, I bet it's easy to be pretty sensitive about this sort of thing.
post #67 of 167
Originally Posted by Caneel View Post

Then I realized, sadly, that he never saw such unrestrainted parent/grandparent child love before and that was why he thought all the little things like sharing a bath time, getting the first hug thru the door, having a pj cuddle, etc. were unnecessary for a grandparent.

OMG - who wouldn't just love a fresh washed baby-in-their-pjs cuddle?!?!

As time has gone by, he now "gets" it and is happy our DS has a close relationship with my mom.
That's sweet. It's kind of like my dad, who never really understood the whole cosleeping thing. Until ds spent the night with him and insisted on sleeping in his bed. Now he's 8 and no longer sleeps with us, but always sleeps with Papa when he visits

Originally Posted by SmoothieMom View Post
To the OP, are you paying these people to babysit while you work? If not I don't think you should say anything, they are doing you a favor.
Free babysitting doesn't equal a fsee pass. The op's feelings are valid, regardless if they are doing her a favor or not.

To the OP, I admire you for trying to get to the bottom of why it bothers you.
post #68 of 167
Originally Posted by BoringTales View Post
I also think its partly a 1st time mom thing.

There are things I did with my 1st that I look back on and roll my eyes at MYSELF for.
Yes, this. I think we all do. The "protect them" instinct that we have is good, but sometimes when it is new we need to learn how to use it only when needed on not against everyone. I am very guilty of this myself - almost 13 years ago now. So much wasted stress and negative energy that I put myself (and my dp and my dd) through. Live and learn.

Originally Posted by Caneel View Post
Jumping back to add - assuming all her intentions are good and there isn't some undisclosed real cause for concern - think about the relationship you would like to have with future grandchildren. Someday you may be walking in her shoes.
This is another great point. When it is us with our grandbabies, I hope we welcome new info (like we taught our moms/aunts/grammas that we aren't using baby powder anymore and waiting a bit longer to introduce solid food), but are also given the respect of trusting us with our grandchildren - that we will love and care for them when in our care.

Originally Posted by RunAround View Post
Your son is young, you've only begun your journey as a parent. Most new moms are wound incredibly tight. Learning to let go and let others build their relationships with your son will come with time, if you give those relationships room to grow.

We should probably give those "selfish grandmas" a bit more understanding. One day, if you're lucky, you might be one, too.
Yes, yes. Wound tight doesn't begin to describe how I was as a new first time mom. I do remember it. I wish I hadn't been, but we all go through it.

When dd1 was a baby, everything my MIL did seemed to set me off. Dp once pointed out to me that my best friend's mom (who is the most wonderful adoptive gramma any kid ever had!) could do no wrong. If she did the EXACT same thing that my MIL did, I'd be fine with her doing it and furious at my MIL. It was true. MIL wasn't a bad person; we just had a lot of differences of opinion, and just weren't bonded the way I am with my best friend's mom. It has a lot to do with the relationship YOU have with the person as to how you feel about their actions with your child.

I lost my parents when I was 12 and 14. I have raised my kids specifically to have close relationships with as many loving adults as I can - it is a detriment and risk to them to only trust me and their dad. We may not always be here. My brother was only six by the time both our parents had passed away. And even with my tightly wound opinions, I - from an hour after birth - was happy to have other people hold her.
post #69 of 167
Originally Posted by mamalisa View Post

Free babysitting doesn't equal a fsee pass. The op's feelings are valid, regardless if they are doing her a favor or not.
No argument that her feelings are valid, it's acting on them that is the question.

If I was providing FREE child care and getting criticized, it would stop.
post #70 of 167
i sure hope you and dh work through this in your counselling together, and that you work through your own feelings too. sometimes it seems so hard, the things you imagined as you grew up, that your life would be. how it would be to become a wife/partner, what it felt like to be a mother... and it is just so so much more than you ever expected, and overwhelming. almost never what you thought it would be and so daunting to have this beautiful creation and have such complete responsibility for the care and raising of

reading all the responses here so totally made me remember how i felt as a new mom, i really liked the idea of the pp who mentioned printing this out and putting it in a baby book... i have changed into so many different women on this journey through life... it is scary and exhilarating all at once and easy for any of us with grown children to say relax and let it be...when you had your baby you gave birth to a new mama also.... remember to be gentle with yourself as you grow into this new you...

post #71 of 167
Its SO HARD to be a new mom, being in the middle of everyone having these new relationships, expecatations, and dreams of how they would be this new mom/dad/grandma/etc. This need to say "I am the mommy!!"

This is totally normal- to feel like "I need to do it" or she can, he can't, whatever. But as parenting goes forward, you find your grove, you come to realise all these things that seemed so important are just not what they seemed. The responsibility of becoming a parent is HUGE and it is hard to know which things are really "there" and which are not as important. It does get easier.

My own mom is super, but she lives far away so visits are kind of "a lot". My 2nd son is now 6 months old, my older one is 4. She told me "When you come I'm gonna hold that baby all day! Except when he needs to nurse!" I said... "GREAT!" Now, with my first, I could have seen myself analyzing this, wondering what I was supposed to do, etc. I've come to see that it is an important loving relationship, even if everything is not exactly the way I'd do it.

You'll find your balance. Until then, try to be easy on MIL... and yourself!
post #72 of 167
I personally dont see a problem with what she did. However, because it seems to bother you I would speak to her about it. I am a very protective mama bear with the kids but honestly I dont see anything horrid about what she did. I would speak to her about the bath issue as I have had a sensitive child I know how irritating soaps/lotions can be. Perhaps it was just meant to be a nice gesture..., DIL will be coming home from work why dont I help her out and give the baby a bath kind of thing. I would strike up a conversation about bath tub safety and offer my own soap for next time. I would also mention the picture issue more as the we try to be careful with what kinds of pics are taken of the kids...blame it on the weirdos of the world. it will strike a grandma chord with her.
post #73 of 167
so, i have to admit that i would be PISSED if my MIL did this... but i wouldn't think twice about it if my mom did it...

hehee.. at least i'm honest, right?

i do think the only real issue about it (for me) would be the use of soaps. DD has rediculously sensitive skin, and the one time we put J&J baby lotion she got HIVES everywhere
so, other than that, it would just be my issues with my MIL and her crossing boundaries i didn't want her to cross.
post #74 of 167
I didn't read most of the replies, but I'm assuming that most folks agreed that this really isn't that big of a deal...

OTOH, I left my 1 month old dd with my mom for an hour for the first time ever and came back to find that my mom had left my dd in the swing the ENTIRE TIME! I was totally upset and angry- I rarely used the swing (I felt like it was dd's baby crack- I swear her eyes would glaze over) and my mom knew that. Plus, who wouldn't want to hold and snuggle the baby without mom there to be protective/ take her away/ have the baby wanting mama? My mom cleaned the floors... sigh. Granted, dd was perfectly happy in the swing- but still! My mom wasn't left alone with my dd for another 6-7 years after that!

Good luck OP! I hope you manage to sort out your feelings and come to some peace!
post #75 of 167
I have not read all the replies but I think you are over-reacting a bit. I would be annoyed that this happened but I wouldn't be as upset as you are. It was an innocent afternoon that grandma got to play with her grandbaby. Giving him bath didn't hurt him and I'm sure she got some cute pictures of him (and who says she got one of his winky?). I would perhaps say "I know that you gave ds a bath the other day, I would appreciate it if you wouldn't to that anymore as I don't want to dry out his skin". That way you get what you want and it was a nice, subtle way to do it.
post #76 of 167
Originally Posted by kryztuh View Post
Going back to work and dealing with DH's odd schedule has been a difficult transition, mixing in to that a strained but polite relationship with MIL over many years, including what I perceive as much interfering in our marriage. DH and I are in counseling to deal with many of these issues.

It's hard to explain nuances online, and being a mother for such a short time, it's hard to know what the right thing is to do sometimes. But I guess I should be prepared for all kinds of responses when I put myself out there online.
I have a less than ideal relationship with my MIL as well. I know I sometimes react more strongly to things she does than if someone else did them. It bugs me when she walks away with my son for no reason except to attempt to have all of his attention.

I don't have any great advice about the situation. It is uncomfortable to have someone watching your child that you have an uneasy relationship with. I do think it'd be a good idea to address these issues with your hubby (probably during counseling) to try to figure out a way for you to feel comfortable with your childcare.
post #77 of 167
I would ask your son how he felt about it.

If you're worried about soaps and such, and pictures, explain that- but I have found that if I ask my parents to watch the kids, I need to set aside some of my own preferences. It's one thing if you are paying someone to watch your child- then they should do everything according to your preferences. But when it is family, who is also developing their own relationship with your child, and a favor at that- this is where I find I need to step back and let my parents be their perhaps quirky selves. I realized one day when I was annouyed about something she did with my son that my son is not my "possession"- yes I am responsible for his safety, but I have to leave room for him to do *safe* things that are fun for him, even if maybe not in my comfort zone. By comfort zone I don't mean your gut feeling that a situation is for some reason *bad*- if you have that kind of feeling, then trust it!

Also, I could see my mom doing this to break up the day a bit. Water play is so fun for little ones.
post #78 of 167
Maybe rather than thinking of how she's judging you, you could just remember that it's SUPER fun to shop for clothes, and she's probably just really having fun buying little outfits for your little sweetie, and imagining him wearing them, and then happily dressing him in them while she kisses him and loves on him. I understand you wish it was you, but isn't it great that it's someone? And a grandma, no less?
post #79 of 167
I really think you need to give your MIL a break. You also have to take a step back and look at this as a realtionship between grandmother and grandchild and leave your MIL/DIL issues out of it. Here is what I see from your post...

1. She is using her vaction to spend time with her grandson (when she could be laying on the beach with a good book)

2. She played with him, gave him fun things to do like play in the bath.

3. Took lots of cute pictures of him, some of which she was nice enoug h to send to you.

4. She bought him new clothes and wanted to see how cute he would look in them.

I have read many, many post here on MDC with DIL's complaining that their MIL does not do these things for their grandkids. Your MIL did nothing wrong. I understand that you have issues with her but this is not about you, this is about a baby getting love and attention from a loving grandparent. I also have to agree with the posters who said this is more about you being unhappy with the fact that it is your MIL with your baby during the day and not you. I toltally understand this. I WOH for the first 4 years of being a mom and was very inhappy that it was my MIL doing all the fun stuff with my babies during the day. But I alway was very very greatful that if it had to be someone else with my child it was the next best thing.
post #80 of 167
Originally Posted by kryztuh View Post
It honestly NEVER crossed my mind to go over baths with her because never in a million years is that something my dad or mom would do when watching DS. If he had a blow out or something, I know my parents would call me asking about bath protocol. I am very particular about the products we use and everyone knows it.
I would just add, too, that while it sounds as though you and your family are very big on a "check first" kind of ethic, many -- I would venture to guess most -- people are very uncomfortable with feeling as though they need to ask before doing otherwise seemingly ordinary things. Were I myself watching a child whose parents expected me to call and ask before I did just anything for the first time ... well, frankly, I would seriously have to reconsider watching that child. What feels normal to you feels like walking on eggshells to me ... and to some degree it might well to your MIL as well.
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