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dad sleeps naked, what to do? not sure where to post, explicit language

post #1 of 97
Thread Starter 
I have a kind of a weird situation. My husband sleeps naked and always has. We've been cosleeping ever since my daughter was born, she's 18 mos. now. She always cuddled with me at night until our son was born just three months ago. Now she comes over to me to nurse at night, then crawls back over to Dad and cuddles with him. A few weeks ago I told my husband I didn't feel comfortable with him sleeping naked with our daughter. Not because of anything inappropriate, but because I didn't want her to have confused emotions about her relationship with her dad, or for her to be told later in life that sleeping with her naked dad was inappropriate. He disagreed with me and we pretty much dropped it. Often when my husband and I are cuddling and we haven't been intimate for a while, he will "poke" me and he has told me this is completely reflexive and he doesn't do it on purpose. Last night when he was cuddling our daughter, I saw his penis moving under the blanket in that manner. He was completely asleep, I watched him and listened to his breathing and I am 100% sure that he was dead asleep. Well, I felt sick to my stomach seeing this even though they were both asleep and unaware of it. Then he rolled over and my daughter's leg was actually touching his penis. At this point I got up and verified that this was what I saw and then picked my daughter up and had her cuddle with me on the opposite side from my son. I just felt really uncomfortable about the entire situation. I felt nauseous and had a really hard time falling back to sleep. This morning I told my husband what I saw and that I didn't want him cuddling our daughter while naked anymore. I told him he needed to wear underwear and pajama pants at least. I think he understood why I felt that it was inappropriate, even though I made it clear that I was not accusing him of anything and I know that he was asleep at the time. He still said he would not wear clothing to bed. He said I should make our daughter wear clothing rather than him (she was not naked, she was wearing a top and a diaper, but no pants. and i will be putting pants on her from now on). I told him that wasn't enough and that there needed to be more of a barrier between them. He said "oh give it up" or something like that, I think he was just really offended that I had said that. My husband is a very good man and I don't think he did anything wrong so I want to make that clear. But I am concerned that he isn't more concerned and more willing to make this situation ok for all of us. I said if he wouldn't wear clothes to bed, then I couldn't let my daughter cuddle with him at night. He said that was fine, he'd cuddle our son instead. I just feel really upset still. I am not sure if I overreacted or not. I am not saying he abused her at all, I just don't want her to be exposed to anything sexual or even that might be sexual at such a young age and have lingering issues over it, esp. not from her dad. They have a very good relationship. I don't want to come between them, and I also don't want to feel like I can't trust my husband, but I definitely am feeling a bit distant from him at the moment. I am wondering if I should just take both children and sleep in another bed. But I also don't want unnecessary friction in our relationship. I am just really confused and I need some advice and support. Anyone?
post #2 of 97
I'm sorry, this sounds like an awkward dynamic, mama. My reaction was the same as yours. He should wear something in bed! I don't even think it is ambiguous. Is he claiming he could never possibly sleep with boxer shorts on ever?
I think the family bed includes clothes, that's not asking anything unreasonable. Sometimes she will end up alongside him, and soon she will be old enough to form memories, and for that matter your son will too. Like you said, there's nothing inappropriate going on but there is an issue here about how they look back on or talk about the co-sleeping experience. My 7 year old dd shares the bed with her Dad often, he wears pajama pants, no big deal.

Maybe you guys could agree to take this question to a neutral 3rd party. Who's opinion might he trust? Maybe a co-sleeping/fam bed book or article that addresses this? Take it out of the you-against-him dynamic, get an "expert" opinion.
post #3 of 97
My reaction is the same as yours..I don't have any advice though. I DO think he should be more respectful of your wishes though.
post #4 of 97
i wanted to point out - lots of men get erections while sleeping. it's perfectly normal and has nothing to do with who they are sleeping next to or whether or not they have underwear on.
post #5 of 97
just my two cents, but your DH should definitely put some undies or some pajama pants on. It is sort of crossing a line to be snuggling nude with your daughter, and not that he is doing anything rotten, but god forbid anyone outside your family finds out they could make a big deal about it.
post #6 of 97
While I totally agree it is normal for a guy to erect during sleep and even when pressure is there in a non sexual manner I would feel he should be willing to compromise for the duration of the cosleeping. It really is not that much to ask.
post #7 of 97
I understand where you would be 'weirded out' But your LO is a child, and this isn't sexual. I hate to sound silly, but you are imposing sexual feelings on a child and someone who is asleep. Also, why are you OK with your son cuddling naked men? Do you cuddle your daughter naked? I assume you breast fed. There was nothing sexual with that.

I think your DD will be the one who stops cuddling with her dad when she is 'ready for that' I really wouldn't be worried about it now. If tables were reversed and he told you that your DS was going to be damaged by touching your breast at night, or nursing, (18 mo isn't that extended) you would be wild (or at least I would)

I would stop the 'poking' I don't like to be poked while I sleep regardless of the appendage. A simple nudge to wake him up enough to roll over and go back to sleep would work.

I don't like the double standard we've put on men, especially our husbands and childrens fathers.
post #8 of 97
My dp had always slept naked as well (well, so did I untill it became clear that my ds was a chronic nipple twiddler). Honestly, I would think nothing more of his skin to skin contact with a baby than of my own. Completely non-sexual. That said, now that my dd is 3.5 he recently started wearing undrewear to bed - totally of his own volition and for his own comfort.
post #9 of 97
Thread Starter 
Catubodua, I know that the erection is totally normal and I don't think it has anything to do w/ my daughter of that my husband is attracted to him or anything like that. My concern is more that my daughter is not able to understand that, and in later years she may have hazy memories of these experiences and believe or be led by others to believe something inappropriate happened. Also I just don't feel comfortable with her being in contact w/ her dad's erect penis, this is just a gut reaction on my part and may be due to my own hang-ups or social norms but it is the way i feel.
post #10 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by HotJabanero View Post
While I totally agree it is normal for a guy to erect during sleep and even when pressure is there in a non sexual manner I would feel he should be willing to compromise for the duration of the cosleeping. It really is not that much to ask.

you're right that asking him to wear underwear really isn't a big deal. but, underwear won't prevent him from getting erections while sleeping. if it's the erection that bothers OP, underwear won't solve her problem.
post #11 of 97
I agree. It's not too much to ask for him to throw on some boxers. The fact that he is unwilling to do that would make me more uncomfortable than the incident in and of itself. I used to sleep naked before having my son and I just don't do it anymore. It's not appropriate in my mind. Esp. not with an 18 mo old.
post #12 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by Catubodua View Post
i wanted to point out - lots of men get erections while sleeping. it's perfectly normal and has nothing to do with who they are sleeping next to or whether or not they have underwear on.
This is true. Pajamas will not change the situation that nature has devised. So, if you are uncomfortable with your DD being around that, then it's time for either your DH or your DD to leave the family bed rather than for you to expect your DH to somehow overcome biology.
post #13 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by kriket View Post
I understand where you would be 'weirded out' But your LO is a child, and this isn't sexual. I hate to sound silly, but you are imposing sexual feelings on a child and someone who is asleep. Also, why are you OK with your son cuddling naked men? Do you cuddle your daughter naked? I assume you breast fed. There was nothing sexual with that.

I think your DD will be the one who stops cuddling with her dad when she is 'ready for that' I really wouldn't be worried about it now. If tables were reversed and he told you that your DS was going to be damaged by touching your breast at night, or nursing, (18 mo isn't that extended) you would be wild (or at least I would)

I would stop the 'poking' I don't like to be poked while I sleep regardless of the appendage. A simple nudge to wake him up enough to roll over and go back to sleep would work.

I don't like the double standard we've put on men, especially our husbands and childrens fathers.
I don't see as an example of a double standard. Apples and oranges.
post #14 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by Catubodua View Post
i wanted to point out - lots of men get erections while sleeping. it's perfectly normal and has nothing to do with who they are sleeping next to or whether or not they have underwear on.
yeah, i'm not sure how wearing underwear would prevent this. also, i slept naked last night next to DD. DH and i had DTD earlier when DD was sleeping in her room, then later she woke up and came into our bed & i was still naked from before. is that weird? it doesn't seem so to me. she sees me naked all the time!
post #15 of 97
In my house that would be a non-issue. Especially with such a young baby. I sleep naked, as does dh, now if a kid comes in they are more than welcome in our bed, we just put them on top of the sheets but under the blanket, or they bring their own blanket, but that's with my much older kids. 18 months is still a baby =)
post #16 of 97


my partner and I have a similar issue, though he hasn't been so dismisive.

as of now, we co-sleep with the baby- him, me, s.. and like you, my partner is usually naked and [most of the time] really doesn't want to wear anything (which I get, you know). I typically sleep with pants/shorts 'cause the babe's feet get around

when we move this summer, however, we will be sharing a room with the bigger kids too and I am worried that we will end up with a very similar discussion. As a mother of three girls and a rape survivor, I will admit to being *possibly* overly-concerned about sexual issues, but that doesn't mean that I will back down

I think pants on your husband are more than appropriate for your daughter's age and that your husband's reaction was a def uav.. I would sleep in another room, leave a few books/articles out for your husband on the topic (not sure what, but..) and wait for him to have a rational discussion with you. I know what you mean about not wanting this cause friction, but it sounds like it already is.. you know what's best for your daughter, and you are being a great mother by advocating for her..

Good luck, mama.. I really hope this works itself out

(wanted to add that the breastfeeding thing, imo, is totally irrelevant.. I have a feeling that others will elaborate more though...)
post #17 of 97
Sleep erections happen. He can't control it.

Even if they were both clothed it was going to happen. Her leg could have been over it with clothes on.

I am wondering if he felt attacked and accused. Even though you said you made it clear it could still feel accused.

I also wonder if you truly believe that men get erections for other reasons than sex. Many people put an automatic association erection = sex that shouldn't be there. You were sick to your stomac,IMO because you were making it more sexual than you should have been.

I do think he should put some sleep pants/undies on. I would also encourage you to have him try different products. Male sleep wear is very limited and uncomfortable. He might not be aware of options. It might mean taking up a little sewing to find materals that are comfortable for him.

I see it really as no big deal but I do worry that DFS might think different.
post #18 of 97
Sleeping erection aren't sexual, but I can see how they'd be weird while the kid is cuddling him. We just ignore them in our family bed. Well, DS doesn't ignore his own he announces them, but then we ignore those announcements lol.
post #19 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vancouver Mommy View Post
My dp had always slept naked as well (well, so did I untill it became clear that my ds was a chronic nipple twiddler).
LOL! that made me smile...
post #20 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by Proud2BeAnAmerican View Post
I don't see as an example of a double standard. Apples and oranges.
You never been woken up by a 2 year old nippl twiddler have you? Or been woken aroused buy the said nipple twiddler and having to take a momment to regroup because you realized the nipple twiddler was your dead asleep son.
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