dad sleeps naked, what to do? not sure where to post, explicit language - Page 2

[crunchymomofmany]

Originally Posted by kriket

I understand where you would be 'weirded out' But your LO is a child, and this isn't sexual. I hate to sound silly, but you are imposing sexual feelings on a child and someone who is asleep. Also, why are you OK with your son cuddling naked men? Do you cuddle your daughter naked? I assume you breast fed. There was nothing sexual with that.

I think your DD will be the one who stops cuddling with her dad when she is 'ready for that' I really wouldn't be worried about it now. If tables were reversed and he told you that your DS was going to be damaged by touching your breast at night, or nursing, (18 mo isn't that extended) you would be wild (or at least I would)

I would stop the 'poking' I don't like to be poked while I sleep regardless of the appendage. A simple nudge to wake him up enough to roll over and go back to sleep would work.

I don't like the double standard we've put on men, especially our husbands and childrens fathers.

:

[kriket]

Originally Posted by Proud2BeAnAmerican

I don't see as an example of a double standard. Apples and oranges.

really? A father can't sleep naked with his daughter but a mother can with her son?

[Catubodua]

Originally Posted by vegemamato

(and, fwiw, I don't think that the erection issue is what's bothering the op- rather his lack of concern..)

just my humble opinion... but i don't think he's unconcerned about it. i think he's annoyed and / or angry at getting accused of being inappropriate when it was something completely natural and out of his control.

[Eaglevoice]

DH and I always slept naked. And in the beginning it was so much easier for bf at night. Then the babies feet started moving and I realized it was much more comfortable to sleep with bottoms on. And after I nightweaned, I have to sleep with a top on otherwise dd won't stop playing with my breasts. So now I sleep in pj's for the first time in like 10 years. It was weird at first, but I got used to it. DH now sleeps in boxers because one morning when dd1 was around 15 months old she crawled under the covers and grabbed his penis early in the morning, . He's never slept naked since then!

I don't think it is too much to ask that your dh put on a pair of boxers. It obviously bothers you, and I feel like since he knows that it bothers you enough that you are considering sleeping in another bed, he should do it for you. It shouldn't be that big of a deal. He'll get used to sleeping in boxers after just a few nights and then he won't even think twice of it.

[Viola]

The underwear at least would contain the erection and help keep it from poking the daughter. My husband wears underwear to bed--briefs, not boxers, so maybe that's a different thing. He was never happy with cosleeping, never wanted to do it--he can't stand people touching him while he sleeps--so if I told him he needed to change the way he slept, he would tell me the children need to be in their own beds. Maybe that is part of what is going on here. It sounds as if the OP's husband is fine with cosleeping, but still, if he already has 2 children in the bed, maybe he is unwilling to give up another aspect of his comfort.

[princessjasmine]

I really, really appreciate all the responses. Here is what I am thinking now:

1) my reaction (sick to my stomach) was definitely my own issues cropping up. I was aware of that at the time, actually, and that is why I tried to make it clear that nothing inappropriate was actually happening, both to my husband and when I posted.

2) i know that the erections will still happen with clothes on but for some reason i just feel more comfortable with him being clothed and having an erection while cuddling my daughter than not. this may be silly, i am not sure.

3) the erections actually weren't what bothered me, he has had them in the past and i thought nothing of it, it was the poking thing that made me attribute something sexual to it. but like i said before, this is not something he is doing consciously and i am not suspicious of him at all.

Thanks for the responses, I really feel like I am being supported and also challenged to examine this closely.

[princessjasmine]

just to address some other points brought up, i don't sleep naked myself. and i don't want husband to sleep naked w/ my son b/c he's too little and my husband is a heavy sleeper. i don't see the erection as the same issue for my son b/c he's too little to actually be in contact w/ it, and he's so young, i don't think about it being an issue in the same way. but when he is older, i would feel the same way. and in thinking it over, i do think my husband probably felt attacked. so i need to let him know that i really, really trust him and don't think he is doing anything wrong. and see if we can negotiate something that would work for both of us regarding clothing in bed. it may not be an issue in other people's families, but i do think i would just be more comfortable if he wore something to bed. again, could be my own hang-ups and i can own that.

[guest9921]

Has he tried silk boxers? When I think of silk boxers, I think of gag-gifts & 15 year old boys trying to be suave. BUT... I recently got a pair of silk underwear from landsend, and they're phenomenal. It feels like I'm wearing nothing - but a soft & silky nothing.

My DH wears boxer briefs at night, and we don't sleep with a child between us. DH is a sexual-sleeper, and he can't help it. When theres a body(me) next to him, he gives it cuddles & love. (Which, is welcomed by me.) When my eldest was still much littler, I slept with both kids in the bed & DH slept elsewhere. It was just more comfortable for our family all around - I just had to be sure to get his love&hugs awake rather than asleep.

Hope you come to a decision that works for your family.

[sapphire_chan]

Maybe he'll be responsive if you present it to him as it being your own hang-up and for your sake would he please wear boxers? Like, instead of fixing something he's doing wrong, he's doing you a favor?

[PGTlatte]

OP,

If you are uncomfortable with the situation for whatever reason, IMO you should go with your instincts and decide that the situation is going to change and your DH will no longer be sleeping naked with your children. No blame, no shame, just you are no longer comfortable with it and are changing it. Just that one of you is not comfortable with him sleeping naked with the children is reason enough by itself to make a change.

Your DH wearing something to bed is one way. If he is not willing to go along with that, there are other ways to change the situation. Your children can sleep somewhere else, you can go sleep somewhere else with them, or your DH can sleep somewhere else.

If he was unwilling to wear something to bed AND was upset with me for changing the situation another way, and was insisting that nothing should change, that would be alarming to me.

[almadianna]

I am glad that you feel supported yet challenged PrincessJasmine.

I want to add a bit to this.

From my experiences children will say when they start needing their own personal space and are not comfortable with nudity. When they express this it is up to us as parents to pay attention and do what we can to make sure that we are respecting their boundaries. i grew up in a home with nudity being very open and I firmly remember the day that I told my father that I did not want him to help me shower anymore. It was ok and my mother helped me until I was able to do it on my own.

I dont see it as my place to instill into my children a negative feeling towards nudity or to impose my own boundaries onto them.

While I understand you being bothered by his reaction, saying that he just flat out refuses to wear pants/undies... I can also see how he would have been hurt or angered by how you approached the subject with him. Reading your original post made me feel bothered by him sleeping naked... and we as a family all still sleep naked!!

I know that there are many different beliefs regarding this and while I am glad that this thread is going on I want to remind us all to be respectful when addressing other member's own family choices.

[princessjasmine]

almadianna, thank you for this response. i grew up in a family that was very repressed about nudity and sexuality. i do not want my kids to be like that. my husband's family was very much the opposite. your post is helping me re-examine insisting he be dressed for bed. i really do feel it is my issue and i don't want to pass that on to my kids.

[meemee]

here is how i see it. if i grew up with my dad poking me, i would think htat normal. why in the world would i think that is unnatural. its a natural state of being. the only time she would think that is odd is if and when someone told her any differently. or tried to. but by that time she would have a great relationship established with her dad and would never doubt his intentions.

i am so sick to my stomach to see all this 'head trip' around sexualism here. (not pointing fingers at anyone here - just what we have become in society in general). this is a cultural part of me. i come from a more free nudist culture.

being naked is ok. being poked is ok. its natural. i wish we could be a little more open. i think we hide ourselves behind clothes and hurt ourselves so much more. my dd is 6 1/2 and still sees her daddy naked. i am so grateful for that. i have grown up seeing my mom naked. my dad sometimes. and i enjoyed that they felt comfortable enough to do that.

[mamaUK]

I think DH should totally be wearing underpants and PJ bottoms, IMO it is the appropriate thing to wear in bed when co-sleeping, especially with a little girl. I feel the same as the OP, there is no way I would feel comfortable co-sleeping unless my DH was dressed...as little ones get older they talk about anything and everything, can you imagaine in the playground, 'I sleep with my dad and he is completely naked etc etc...' kids think being naked is funny (well my LO's do) and will talk about it. and they notice things aswell and soon you might get the question 'why does daddy's thing go stiff?' I know I'm not ready to go into the facts of life untill my LO is older, even though it is completely normal and natural for it to happen in sleep. If it were me, I would be moving to another bed in my DH wasn't willing to change. There is NO WAY I would be comfortable with this, even though it is natural bodily functions, I just do not feel it is appropriate.

Just wanted to add that my little ones see their dad naked on a daily basis after showers, getting dressed, so I don't think being naked should be hidden, I just personally wouldn't be comfortable with it in a co-sleeping situation.

[vegemamato]

Originally Posted by meemee

here is how i see it. if i grew up with my dad poking me, i would think htat normal. why in the world would i think that is unnatural. its a natural state of being. the only time she would think that is odd is if and when someone told her any differently. or tried to. but by that time she would have a great relationship established with her dad and would never doubt his intentions.

i am so sick to my stomach to see all this 'head trip' around sexualism here. (not pointing fingers at anyone here - just what we have become in society in general). this is a cultural part of me. i come from a more free nudist culture.

being naked is ok. being poked is ok. its natural. i wish we could be a little more open. i think we hide ourselves behind clothes and hurt ourselves so much more. my dd is 6 1/2 and still sees her daddy naked. i am so grateful for that. i have grown up seeing my mom naked. my dad sometimes. and i enjoyed that they felt comfortable enough to do that.

just wanted to say.. I grew up in a pretty open environment too, and I remember seeing my parents nude many times I really was ok with nudity too until I was violated (raped). looking back though, I don't like the memories (we co-slept, showered together, et cetera.. nothing bad, jsut uncomfortable to me now for whatever reason). unfortunetely, as you pointed out, we live in a society where women are objectified and dismissed so often that a lot of us have learned to protect ourselves, even when there is no threat. So, while I'm not saying that those of us who haven't been traumatized should be ok with nudity, I do think that past experiences can def justify being uncomfortable, or even having symtoms of ptsd when in these situations. I do feel like it is my responsibilty to teach my girls modesty in our world though, however unfortunate..

btw, I am a big fan of nekkid time- with the whole family- I draw the line though at 'poking' in bed, however unintentional.

[almadianna]

Originally Posted by princessjasmine

almadianna, thank you for this response. i grew up in a family that was very repressed about nudity and sexuality. i do not want my kids to be like that. my husband's family was very much the opposite. your post is helping me re-examine insisting he be dressed for bed. i really do feel it is my issue and i don't want to pass that on to my kids.

I think knowing the different backgrounds helps us understand a bit better what you are thinking and what he is thinking.

A good heart to heart conversation about your feelings is in order. This will help him understand where you are coming from and see that you arent trying to accuse him or anything... he might even be more receptive to wearing pants while sleeping after this.

I know how hard a conversation things like this can be and that there are not a great deal of places one can turn for help regarding this subject because of how uncommon cosleeping is in many circles (or at least how uncommon it is to ADMIT to cosleeping).

ah.. the joys of parenting. :

[organicpapayamama]

wow... I think that even if its not sexual or even if he isnt trying to do anything it is not appropriate on any level to be naked in bed or anywhere for that matter with toddlers of that age. I mean honestly it doesnt have to be a sexual thing. would you want your child seeing someone naked on tv? in person walking around? through an open window from a neighbors house? of course not. so whats the difference if its at night under covers? A cover can be moved and kicked off accidental and also you might come in contact with something you dont want (as you have experienced) and you would be exposing a lot more than anticipated. Im shocked that he didnt seem concerned that he "came into contact" with DD... that would worry me too.

I personally wouldnt even feel comfortable with him sleeping naked cuddling with DS. thats just me though. the fact that he is so dismissive is disrespectful and insulting to me. He def needs to put on at least some boxers. If it continues and he still fights you, you might want to bring it up to your pediatrician who in turn can make suggestions to your DH... then again, maybe by telling them it might escalate to another level and being accused to doing something that wasnt done. Bottom line though is I agree with you.

[NiteNicole]

The fact that he's telling you that you need to just get over it, that if he can't cuddle your daughter then FINE he'll just take your son...this is worrisome to me. He should care that this upsets you! He should care that you think this could be potentially confusing or uncomfortable for your daughter! He should care about your feelings more than he cares about wearing stupid freakin pj pants!

I can't imagine trusting someone who was so willing to dismiss me on something so upsetting for ME that could be fixed by something so minor for him.

If you're a family that's generally fine with nudity, fine. If everyone is ok with that, fine. I don't care what your sleeping/pj arrangments are if everyone is ok with it but everyone is NOT ok with it in this situation, and one person is actually upset by it.

And you used the phrase "my daughter" several times - is this your daughter together, or YOUR daughter and your son together? To me, that makes a difference. As a parent, hell no would I be ok with a step parent sleeping naked with my child.

[Kirsten]

I hear that you aren't accusing your dp of anything, no ill intent at all. I hope he understands that part too.

Honestly, I think you are putting yourself at risk if dd (in a year or two) is at preschool and talks about sleeping with daddy while he is naked. I have a friend whose dd drew a picture of her family, and drew the dad naked, and the family was in the principal's office within an hour. It was taken very seriously, and my friend was terrified. She was really mad over the whole incident until I told her that wouldn't she want that help for a kid who actually was being abused? For that cry for help to be taken seriously? In their case, it was totally innocent - but very, very stressful for those parents when facing CPS and the foster system being involved if the parents weren't believed.

If I was the OP, I'd either convince dp to sleep in boxers or move dd into her own room. No other option is safe IMO.

[Mary-Beth]

Time for boxer shorts, imo.

Plain and simple, a pair of boxers or pajama pants would be a good barrier from skin to skin contact where we don't want skin to skin contact. And for the record, I'm a big believer of skin to skin contact in other contexts. He can go topless and all that but just keep his adult parts a little more private. I hope he will compromise on this issue for you. (I say for you, because he may not see it as an issue but it is for you so he can do this to help you sleep more comfortably.)