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dad sleeps naked, what to do? not sure where to post, explicit language - Page 3

post #41 of 97
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by vegemamato View Post
just wanted to say.. I grew up in a pretty open environment too, and I remember seeing my parents nude many times I really was ok with the nudity too until I was violated (raped). unfortunetely, as you pointed out, we live in a society where women are objectified and dismissed so often that a lot of us have learned to protect ourselves, even when there is no threat. So, while I'm not saying that those of us who haven't been traumatized should be ok with nudity, I do think that past experiences can def justify being uncomfortable, or even having symtoms of ptsd when in these situations. I do feel like it is my responsibilty to teach my girls modesty in our world though, however unfortunate..
I think this is a big part of my problem as well b/c I have been sexually assaulted in the past and also had some harmful sexual relationships and that is what was triggered for me when i saw that. the thing is, i don't know where to go from here because i am not sure that my negative feelings about this will just easily go away and is it possible that that alone could create ambiguity for my daughter and make it a problem for her that she sleeps with dad naked? even if i don't say anything out loud i am sure she is aware of my feelings and i don't want her to feel that anything inappropriate is going on.
post #42 of 97
huh. My response was going to be insist that he wears underwear/boxers but then I thought about it and remembered that *I* co-sleep naked with my 24 month old son. Now, most of the time I do have undies on, but not always (because I don't always wear them during the day, either ) we snuggle, but he is usually much further high up on the bed -- and curled up, so no where near my bottom half.

So, while my DH doesn't sleep completely nude, I do. It seems like a bit of a double standard minus the male anatomy/erection deal, to say that for one gender it's okay to co-sleep naked with the opposite gender child, and it's not for the other. (not that you were saying that, but I almost did).

Good luck finding a comfort zone for the three of you.
post #43 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by organicpapayamama View Post
wow... I think that even if its not sexual or even if he isnt trying to do anything it is not appropriate on any level to be naked in bed or anywhere for that matter with toddlers of that age. I mean honestly it doesnt have to be a sexual thing. would you want your child seeing someone naked on tv? in person walking around? through an open window from a neighbors house? of course not.
Actually, none of those situations would bother me, so "of course not" does not apply.

What damage do you think it would actually do to a child to see that?
post #44 of 97
My DH always used to sleep naked, but when we brought DS home he started wearing boxers b/c he *himself* was uncomfortable with it. I would be more upset that my DH was dismissing my feelings that the actual situation. And I would feel uncomfortable with my DH sleeping naked in a co-sleeping situation with any child 12 mos or over. That is *my* personal opinion for my family.
post #45 of 97
co-sleeping shouldn't be uncomfortable or inappropriate or weird or inconvenient, but there usually comes a point where it is, and maybe this means it is time for a change. maybe it's just time for your daughter to get her own bed?
post #46 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by ixia View Post
Has he tried silk boxers?
You may want to scratch the silk boxers, they make it... worse... for my DH.

Quote:
Originally Posted by princessjasmine View Post
I have been sexually assaulted in the past and also had some harmful sexual relationships and that is what was triggered for me when i saw that.
Please take comfort in your husband. He is there to protect you, and support you. Trust him! As long as you 'picked a good one' trust is what marriage is about! Thats his job!
post #47 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by MommyofHero View Post
co-sleeping shouldn't be uncomfortable or inappropriate or weird or inconvenient, but there usually comes a point where it is, and maybe this means it is time for a change. maybe it's just time for your daughter to get her own bed?
I have to agree. When you start feeling uncomfortable with biology, it's probably nature's way of telling you that it's time to change the arrangement.
post #48 of 97
I grew up in a fairly open family, remember seeing my parents unabashedly naked, and there was no pressure on me to cover up until I initiated it. I have a good relationship with my parents, but in retrospect, I wish they had drawn the line earlier. It feels weird and wrong to me now.

Obviously everyone is different, and I know that there are adults who grew up in an environment like this who have no problem with it. I just wanted to point out that it's not the case for everyone. I think it's rather dismissive of the OP's feelings to say basically that she needs to get over her hang ups, or to tell her that a clothed erection is the same as a naked one, so what's the big deal? This is missing the point. She has said she knows that the erections are not sexual and are involuntary, but she is concerned about her dd's feelings about it later on. She is trying to protect their relationship. Maybe her dd, in retrospect, wouldn't be at all bothered by it. But her dh covering up for no reason is, IMO, a much better situation than him not covering up and dd ending up having a problem with it.
post #49 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by choli View Post
Actually, none of those situations would bother me, so "of course not" does not apply.

What damage do you think it would actually do to a child to see that?
honestly it makes me feel uncomfortable even if my child wouldnt know thats its not appropriate. Even though being naked doesnt have to have anything sexual about it, most of the time it is. I would not be ok with my kids watching naked people on tv or on the computer or internet. its just not appropriate, dunno how else to word it. As for damages, I think another poster touched on it about thinking back and knowing your dad did this with you is a bit creepy. I know thats how I would feel if I knew my dad used to do that with me. again, maybe its just me. Im not sure exactly what type of emotional effect it might have on a child to bring up memories like that. I know kids can remember things that young. I personally just dont feel its right. just giving my 2 cents thats all....
post #50 of 97
Thread Starter 
Ok, I am going to take a break from obsessively checking this post. I think what I am going to do is talk to my husband this evening, explain that I love and trust him and am not accusing him of anything, explain what issues (my family upbringing and sexual experiences, social norms, etc.) are contributing to my discomfort, and then come up with a list of possible solutions, including everything suggested here and work together to find something that works for both of us. Thank you everyone for your input, I am feeling much better about the whole situation in general. I am confident we will be able to work things out.
post #51 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by princessjasmine View Post
Ok, I am going to take a break from obsessively checking this post. I think what I am going to do is talk to my husband this evening, explain that I love and trust him and am not accusing him of anything, explain what issues (my family upbringing and sexual experiences, social norms, etc.) are contributing to my discomfort, and then come up with a list of possible solutions, including everything suggested here and work together to find something that works for both of us. Thank you everyone for your input, I am feeling much better about the whole situation in general. I am confident we will be able to work things out.
Hi, princessjasmine. That sounds like a good plan. I dare say some of the previous posts seemed to miss the point (e.g., debating the whys and why nots of erections).

What I got from your original post is that you felt really uncomfortable with the situation and further uncomfortable that your husband wasn't respecting your discomfort. That makes perfect sense. The MDC boards are full of moms who use variations on the family bed (e.g., co-sleeper side car) because their partners are uncomfortable with having the baby in the bed, for any number of reasons. As the Dr. Sears books emphasize, the sleeping arrangement has to work for everyone, otherwise, you need to find a compromise.

You don't need to apologize for feeling uncomfortable. And he doesn't need to apologize for sleeping naked up until now. However, I'd say that the feelings that the situation stirs up for you amount to a far greater discomfort than your husband would experience by just wearing some pajama bottoms to bed.

You are right to be concerned for how your daughter will feel about this down the line. Of course your husband means her no harm, but why take the risk of her growing up with any kind of confusion of this sort?

Good luck!
post #52 of 97
I dont think its asking too much to put on some pj pants or boxers...it would be ridiculous for him to make a big deal about it imo...because wearing them isnt a big deal.
post #53 of 97
I will have to agree with many on here. I don't think it is asking too much to want to share the family bed but within guidelines now they are getting older and observant. Erections can happen throughout the night and do not necessarily have to do with the sleeping situation. It seems you are handling it appropriately - i.e. not accusing but expressing concerns. If he isn't willing to be respectful of that I would say HE needed to find another bed, or couch or floor to sleep on. May be worth looking into what Child Protective Services says about that too since you are posting on a "public forum". Just a thought! Good luck!
post #54 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by hippiemommaof4 View Post
I dont think its asking too much to put on some pj pants or boxers...it would be ridiculous for him to make a big deal about it imo...because wearing them isnt a big deal.
maybe wearing clothes to bed isn't a big deal to YOU, but it is very uncomfortable for some people.
regardless of what he wears or doesn't wear, he is going to continue to have erections, and if this concept is too uncomfortable for the OP because of the daughter's age, then it's obvious to me that it's time to change either sleeping positions on the bed, or have the daughter sleep in her own bed.
there are more remedies to this then making dad do something he doesn't want to do just because his body is functioning normally.
post #55 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by princessjasmine View Post
Ok, I am going to take a break from obsessively checking this post. I think what I am going to do is talk to my husband this evening, explain that I love and trust him and am not accusing him of anything, explain what issues (my family upbringing and sexual experiences, social norms, etc.) are contributing to my discomfort, and then come up with a list of possible solutions, including everything suggested here and work together to find something that works for both of us. Thank you everyone for your input, I am feeling much better about the whole situation in general. I am confident we will be able to work things out.
It sounds like you have a very good plan. Many of us aren't uncomfortable with sleeping in the nude (both DH and I do, our oldest is 6, and still crawls into bed with us many nights), but if *anyone* is uncomfortable then something needs to change. And it does sounds like you will be able to work through this. Good luck.
post #56 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by Catubodua View Post
i wanted to point out - lots of men get erections while sleeping. it's perfectly normal and has nothing to do with who they are sleeping next to or whether or not they have underwear on.
I agree. It will probably happen while he is cuddling your son too. There is nothing your DH can do to keep that from "popping up". Of course I would not want my child exposed to that either, which is why Dad needs to wear pajamas.
post #57 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by KittyDanger View Post
I agree. It's not too much to ask for him to throw on some boxers. The fact that he is unwilling to do that would make me more uncomfortable than the incident in and of itself. I used to sleep naked before having my son and I just don't do it anymore. It's not appropriate in my mind. Esp. not with an 18 mo old.


See, I still cuddle with my daughter naked (well, I do wear panties and she wears a diaper). I don't find anything wrong with that (she will be 2 this month). She also still bathes with me on occasion. If she is not in the tub with me, she is in the bathroom watching.

So, I find it totally fine that I sleep (mostly) naked and take baths with my baby but yet I would not want DH to do it at this age.
post #58 of 97
I don't care how relaxed and cool you are with nudity and erections and co-sleeping, seeing your kid with an erect penis touching any part of their body, is enough to invoke some strong feelings. That is what the OP is saying. She knows erections happen. She just doesn't want the erect penis touching her kids.
post #59 of 97
I think that out of respect for you, he should at least try sleeping with something on. I am sure there have been times in his life where he HAD to sleep with clothes on, and he managed to sleep just fine.

We do things for our spouses/SOs because we love and respect them. I don't think I would get into a power struggle over something like pajamas with my husband.
post #60 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by gsd1amommy View Post
I don't care how relaxed and cool you are with nudity and erections and co-sleeping, seeing your kid with an erect penis touching any part of their body, is enough to invoke some strong feelings. That is what the OP is saying. She knows erections happen. She just doesn't want the erect penis touching her kids.
Woah. I'm sorry but, it's the child's father. The post came off as erect penises are running amok touching the OP's daughter.

OP, while I can understand how it might bother you I have to gently say that it has way more to do with you being squicked out by it than it actually being a problem. (At least from what you've described) I think your daughter will be able to sense your feelings about her father sleeping nude and I don't know how it would ever come up as you mentioned in the first post. Something like "Someone might say sleeping naked with her dad is weird" I highly doubt it would EVER come up.

I would leave it be unless your daughter is uncomfortable with it. Your DH sounds like he's completely fine with it and as an adult he would know if it was inappropriate or not. I think it's good that he doesn't feel weird about it, pretty much shows he has no malicious intentions.

Now, that being said. While I do agree that you are maybe a bit too sensitive about it I would still hope if I were in your shoes my DH would say "While I disagree with you and feel you're being irrational I will wear boxers to bed so that you don't have to feel uneasy. I know it has nothing to do with me." So, I do wonder why he can't just put the mouse in the house to make his wife feel better, as irrational as he may think it is.
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