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dad sleeps naked, what to do? not sure where to post, explicit language - Page 5

post #81 of 97
both my husband and used to sleep naked. with kids in the bed the rule is that everyone has to wear underwear. its not that there is anything sexual going on, it just makes it more comfortable for the adults. The kids ovbiously would have no concept of anything being "wrong". that aside, my neighbor just told me about her brother and his daughter and wife. the little girl goes to preschool and recently told her teachers that her daddy made her sleep in bed with him and her mommy had to sleep in her bed. She got pulled out of class and the parents called in and they all had to meet with counselers and social workers. What was going on is that her mom is very pregnant, and her parents had a water bed. her mom couldn't sleep in the parents bed and so slept in the daughters twin bed, while the little girl and her dad slept in the larger water bed. It was absolutely nothing going on that should not have been happening, but if your child is anywhere near going to school, I would be extremely adamant that something needs to change. The last thing anyone needs is CPS/DHS invovlement becasue something that a little kid said was given an adult meaning.
post #82 of 97
We co-slept naked until ds' feet were the right length to tug on the short and curlies at night. Then we both naturally started wearing undies to bed. Nothing like getting the ole' pube hairs pulled by toddler toes to change your opinion on things, lol.

Chances are that something will happen to make him change his own mind. Ice cold toddler toes in the buttcrack will wake you up really fast!!!
post #83 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by sahmama_12 View Post
There are Eastern cultures where fathers routinely bathe with their older than school age daughters and it is completely normal and not anything shameful. The same attitudes surrounding this issue are the ones that make NIP such a hotly debated act.
I wonder if the fathers are erect during bathing?

Anyhow, OP lives in western culture and is thus subject to the standards recognized by her community. That alone would be cause enough for my DH to put on some PJs. More people (teachers, doctors) than not in a typical western society would be worried about such a sleeping arrangement and I could see DD saying something or making a drawing that would cause a visit from CPS. Not to mention potentially awkward and confusing memories DD might have, regardless of the underlying innocence... Also - as a PP said, what if their was an ejaculation during sleep? I can think of too many negatives of this sleep situation and very few positives...
post #84 of 97
Wow! I'm so suprised at how many people here think that it isn't unreasonable to ask him to put on some underwear or pj's. As someone who sleeps naked everynight I would be pissed if my husband told me that he felt uncomfortable with my nudity around the kids and wanted me to wear clothes to bed. Sometimes when I get cold at night I put on some pj's but I can't fall asleep until they come back off, usually 30 minutes later, after getting frustrated.

Can you add a twin bed up against your bed and have your daughter sleep on that? Or maybe you should be the one to sleep in the middle? Put a rail on your bed.

Since there was nothing sexual going on at all it should not be treated as such and those suggestions are just to make YOU feel more comfortable.

I also feel comfortable walking around in the nude most of the day with my children. And they are nude alot as well. My husband doesn't feel comfortable with our 5 year old seeing him naked so he covers up now. I think it's sad that most people (my husband included) are made by society to feel uncomfortable about nudity.
post #85 of 97
I was OK with dh co-sleeping when naked, but he wasn't. So he just wears some underpants to bed when there's a child with him. (He is a light sleeper and is currently sleeping in the guest room because of the baby's noise and nighttime nursing, but sometimes dd #1 crawls in with him if she's had a nightmare.) Not much so he's still physically comfortable, but enough that he's also emotionally comfortable.
post #86 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by AmyB736 View Post
I think it's sad that most people (my husband included) are made by society to feel uncomfortable about nudity.
I don't think that's the issue in this case. I think it is discomfort with a little one coming in contact with an erect penis. OP didn't have concerns about nudity per se before she saw the erect penis touching her DD. Totally different than just seeing a person in the nude IMO.
post #87 of 97
DH and I have always slept naked in the family bed, as have our children, and the only time it has ever caused problem was in VERY hot weather when we started sticking to each other! But then our children are used to us being nude (we're nudists ~ that was sort of self-explanitery ~ sorry) and would probably be more confused by us sleeping in PJ's.

However it should be a JOINT decision between the parents and if one is uncomfortable then it should be a compromise until BOTH parents are happy again.
post #88 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by aran View Post
I don't think that's the issue in this case. I think it is discomfort with a little one coming in contact with an erect penis. OP didn't have concerns about nudity per se before she saw the erect penis touching her DD. Totally different than just seeing a person in the nude IMO.

That's a normal part of nudity, erections while sleeping. It is innocent and shouldn't be shamed, IMO.
post #89 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by moondiapers View Post
We co-slept naked until ds' feet were the right length to tug on the short and curlies at night. Then we both naturally started wearing undies to bed. Nothing like getting the ole' pube hairs pulled by toddler toes to change your opinion on things, lol.

Chances are that something will happen to make him change his own mind. Ice cold toddler toes in the buttcrack will wake you up really fast!!!
Oh yeah, been there.

Also fairly unpleasant is to wake up to your 7yr old DS's bum in your face because he has, in his sleep, decided to sleep horizontally AND bent completely in half on the bed. Worse still when he farts...
post #90 of 97
I have a son and we all sleep naked at times. It is not a big deal, IMO, he obviously has to have plenty of contact with my breasts. I wouldn't discount your intuition, but my sense is that you are putting sex into a non-sex situation.

I certainly don't monitor my husband's (or my son's) special part while they are sleeping.
post #91 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by geiamama View Post
Oh yeah, been there.

Also fairly unpleasant is to wake up to your 7yr old DS's bum in your face because he has, in his sleep, decided to sleep horizontally AND bent completely in half on the bed. Worse still when he farts...
ewwww, dh kicked ds out of our bed and into his sisters bed when he was 3 1/2 because he woke dh up in the middle of the night by breaking dh's nose with his elbow. Dh now has a VERY crooked nose. Luckily Dd is four years older than Ds and she didn't mind sharing her bed with him.
post #92 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by AmyB736 View Post
That's a normal part of nudity, erections while sleeping. It is innocent and shouldn't be shamed, IMO.
There was no shaming, I think. But I would recognize that the society in which OP lives will make a judgment on the situation if it is revealed, and it could lead to negative ramifications (like CPS) or if DD grows up to adopt the mainstream western views on the topic, she might feel negative about that experience in retrospect.

DH is very very very open about nudity and bodily functions, but is squeamed out by some of the things he has seen/experienced from his parents. He never told them, but it is a mar in his recollections of growing up with them. To him it is important that he not "impose his body" on his kids the way his dad did with him (not in a sexual way... just an intrusive way).
post #93 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by AmyB736 View Post
Wow! I'm so suprised at how many people here think that it isn't unreasonable to ask him to put on some underwear or pj's. As someone who sleeps naked everynight I would be pissed if my husband told me that he felt uncomfortable with my nudity around the kids and wanted me to wear clothes to bed. Sometimes when I get cold at night I put on some pj's but I can't fall asleep until they come back off, usually 30 minutes later, after getting frustrated.

Can you add a twin bed up against your bed and have your daughter sleep on that? Or maybe you should be the one to sleep in the middle? Put a rail on your bed.

Since there was nothing sexual going on at all it should not be treated as such and those suggestions are just to make YOU feel more comfortable.

I also feel comfortable walking around in the nude most of the day with my children. And they are nude alot as well. My husband doesn't feel comfortable with our 5 year old seeing him naked so he covers up now. I think it's sad that most people (my husband included) are made by society to feel uncomfortable about nudity.

For the sake of argument lets say, my husband wakes up on the middle of the night and sees a toddler hand or foot on my vagina and it makes him uncomfortable, I can't imagine being pissed off because he would ask me to wear something, for me is just respecting my DHs wishes and I would wear something, I wouldn't on purpose continue a situation where everyone is not OK, much less if it would bring him bad memories of horrible events in his life, if I absolutely could not sleep with anything on we would have to either move the kid or I would have to move out of the family bed.
post #94 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by AmyB736 View Post
That's a normal part of nudity, erections while sleeping. It is innocent and shouldn't be shamed, IMO.
My impression was not that the OP was trying to shame her husband; she just mentioned being uncomfortable with his erect penis touching their daughter and asked him to put on some undies or PJ pants to make her more comfortable.

When I talked to my partner about this scenario and asked him what he would do if we were in the same situation, he said immediately that he would not mind putting on some clothes if it would make me more comfortable. So, for him it's not a big deal and he would not feel shamed.

I don't think anyone is denying that erections are a normal part of sleep for men, either. The OP isn't saying that nudity or nighttime erections are abnormal or shameful; she is uncomfortable about it for her own reasons.

I think, really, this is one of those things that each family has to navigate for themselves. We've seen posters reply that modesty is always best and others that nudity is awesome at all times (family bed or not), so I really think there's no right answer. The important part is to be non-judgmental about others' choices, and to disagree in a way that still honors the User Agreement. There's so much diversity with regard to the family bed!
post #95 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by moondiapers View Post
ewwww, dh kicked ds out of our bed and into his sisters bed when he was 3 1/2 because he woke dh up in the middle of the night by breaking dh's nose with his elbow. Dh now has a VERY crooked nose. Luckily Dd is four years older than Ds and she didn't mind sharing her bed with him.
Ouch!!!
post #96 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by aran View Post
There was no shaming, I think. But I would recognize that the society in which OP lives will make a judgment on the situation if it is revealed, and it could lead to negative ramifications (like CPS) or if DD grows up to adopt the mainstream western views on the topic, she might feel negative about that experience in retrospect.

DH is very very very open about nudity and bodily functions, but is squeamed out by some of the things he has seen/experienced from his parents. He never told them, but it is a mar in his recollections of growing up with them. To him it is important that he not "impose his body" on his kids the way his dad did with him (not in a sexual way... just an intrusive way).
Actually her initial reaction did have shaming in it. If I was her husband I would have reacted feeling insulted at how she presented the situation to me. WHich is why I believe (and said so) that she have a conversation with him in a different manner because it is all in the delivery. Laying out her feelings/history/the way she was raised would make it less accusatory and seem less insulting towards him.
post #97 of 97

Closing this thread for now

Although this has been an interesting and enriching discussion, we are closing the thread for now. The OP has gotten some great ideas, advice, and support, and we want to keep it that way.

Thanks for understanding!
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