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I have a really bad feeling... UPDATE post 34...it was HORRIBLE! - Page 2

post #21 of 86
I think you've had some great ideas from PP about wearing your baby in a sling, and I hope the trip will be much less stressful than you fear!

But I just wanted to say - as much as a response to PP as the OP - that there is nothing odd or unsavory about people wanting to hold your baby. Babies are a source of joy and wonder and in my experience, most people melt at the thought of holding a sweet, perfectly-scented little monkey! Most people wouldn't dream of trying to take the baby away, or hold on when the baby needs to be with Mama. They just want to share in that joy for a few moments. Perhaps to remind them of when their children were tiny.

If you aren't comfortable with it, that's your prerogative. But please don't ascribe ulterior motives to where they rarely exist.
post #22 of 86
Also, we always asked people to wash their hands first. Very helpful in a big group. It can be doctor's orders too.

Personally, I will usually ask to hold, after washing my hand, a non-slinged baby and won't ask to hold a slinged baby. And I am not at all offended when someone says no. But I never offerred my infant. A lot of people really don't want to hold them.
post #23 of 86
Quote:
Originally Posted by slylives View Post
I think you've had some great ideas from PP about wearing your baby in a sling, and I hope the trip will be much less stressful than you fear!

But I just wanted to say - as much as a response to PP as the OP - that there is nothing odd or unsavory about people wanting to hold your baby. Babies are a source of joy and wonder and in my experience, most people melt at the thought of holding a sweet, perfectly-scented little monkey! Most people wouldn't dream of trying to take the baby away, or hold on when the baby needs to be with Mama. They just want to share in that joy for a few moments. Perhaps to remind them of when their children were tiny.

If you aren't comfortable with it, that's your prerogative. But please don't ascribe ulterior motives to where they rarely exist.
:

In our family, babies are treasured, and little ones at family gatherings are quite popular. :
post #24 of 86
Quote:
Originally Posted by slylives View Post

If you aren't comfortable with it, that's your prerogative. But please don't ascribe ulterior motives to where they rarely exist.
Normally, I agree with this sentiment, but it sounds as though the people at this particular gathering are known child abusers.
post #25 of 86
Wear your baby. All the time. I wish I had better advice for you, but I don't. In your shoes I would just be flying by the seat of my pants, and I'd opt to wear, wear, wear, that baby!.
post #26 of 86
I found wearing my son (the more complicated the sling/wrap, the better) was a huge deterrent. Actually I got so used to it that even when there were people around who I didn't mind holding him, I'd forget to offer (my poor sister in law finally said something--this was her only niece/nephew). I'm super picky about who holds my baby. I think we should all listen to our gut instincts on that one.
post #27 of 86
Quote:
Originally Posted by labdogs42 View Post
The funny thing is, I never understood "pass the baby". I'm not one to reach for other people's babies. I assume they want to hold their children. it freaks me out when people try to force their baby on me, "Don't you want to hold the baby?" Um, no, it isn't mine!

back to the OP, wrap that baby up in the moby and I bet no one will come near him! You'll be all set! And if all else fails, just leave early. That's my solution for dealing with my IL's.
post #28 of 86
I just flat out tell people she doesn't like to be passed around, it makes her fussy and overstimulated. Some think if she is sleeping she is happy and I let them know she is probably sleeping because that is what some babes do when overstimlulated. Some look at me like I am nuts, some get it.
post #29 of 86
Quote:
Originally Posted by slylives View Post
I think you've had some great ideas from PP about wearing your baby in a sling, and I hope the trip will be much less stressful than you fear!

But I just wanted to say - as much as a response to PP as the OP - that there is nothing odd or unsavory about people wanting to hold your baby. Babies are a source of joy and wonder and in my experience, most people melt at the thought of holding a sweet, perfectly-scented little monkey! Most people wouldn't dream of trying to take the baby away, or hold on when the baby needs to be with Mama. They just want to share in that joy for a few moments. Perhaps to remind them of when their children were tiny.

If you aren't comfortable with it, that's your prerogative. But please don't ascribe ulterior motives to where they rarely exist.

I posted previously to keep baby in a sling. But I also agree with this above.

When dd was itty bitty, I was very selfish with her. I was a brand new mama and she was my baby. But as dd grew, I grew. When she started crawling (5 months), I had the first bitter sweet moment of "my baby is growing up so fast". It was around that age that I started letting people hold dd more often. It was around that age that I realized, "One day my baby will be a grown woman and I will long to hold another baby again, just like this woman next to me who needs to hold my daughter in her arms for just a few minutes to have that joy again....."

It took 5 months to get to that point, but I'm glad I did. The OP's baby is 3 months old, if I remember correctly. When dd was 3 months old, I was still a raging mother bear. When she's ready, she will let others share in the joy of holding her babe. Each mama has to go at her own pace. And there is nothing wrong with that.
post #30 of 86
I understand. Just remember that YOU are the mama and you get to make the decisons, even if it annoys other people. It will be ok. I have found with each child and as they get older I get more and more confident about telling people whatever I need to tell them, and if they get irritated - well that is their problem not mine. Its my job to watch out for my kids and that is all.
post #31 of 86
Wearing the baby is a great idea! Wish I'd thought of that all the many times of visiting my ILs

My husband's family is super dysfunctional (screaming, verbal and emotional abuse)...Our last visit my MIL was holding my sleepy, hungry baby while it was crying and fussing, all the while saying "doesn't bother me if it doesn't bother you" (so she could continue holding hte baby). I was like "ummm...yeah. Does bother me though..."

My MIL is a super sweet lady and I know she would lay down her life for my children...however, I always dread visits to their house b/c it is SO different than our own.

My thoughts go out to you--strength and finding the right words and minimal toe-steppin' on for you
post #32 of 86
s I went through this at SIL's wedding when my DS was 6 months-ish old. I knew very, very few people there, and just was *not* comfortable with wierd people I didn't/don't know passing my DS around. At one point DH's step-sister came and took DS and just poof! dissapeared. I was *not* amused. I found her, took my son back and refused to hand him off again for the rest of the time. DH didn't really understand, and neither did his family ("we're all family here, so whats the problem? Nobodys going to hurt him..."), but they could mostly tell by my looks after that that if *they* didn't want a frigging scene to leave me and DS the heck alone! And they did. And I just hung out with DH's old friends (who, I'll be honest, I don't think were actually invited, but they came and were folks I knew so *I* at least was thankful they were there!!) and then I left. Way early.

ETA: Oh and be aware of folks reaching out and grabbing at your DC if you do have them slinged... DS was in a frigging mei tei at the wedding and at least two people literally reached out and GRABBED DS' legs/arms while I was walking by. The one guy came very, very, very close to getting slugged.
post #33 of 86
Quote:
Originally Posted by lolar2 View Post
Normally, I agree with this sentiment, but it sounds as though the people at this particular gathering are known child abusers.
Exactly. I passed my little man around when he was just six weeks old. But if someone gave me a bad vibe, they didn't get to hold him. I tried never to be selfish with my babe, because I do understand how wonderful he is to hold ( ), but I always reserved the right to say no. And if the OP doesn't want people who beat their children with belts holding her baby, I'd say that's pretty understandable...
post #34 of 86
Thread Starter 
It was awful. I am so happy to be home.

When we got there we unloaded everyone from the car and walked to the house. I needed to feed and change the baby so I just carried him. Not exaggerating at all...I did not even have both feet in the door and MIL took the baby from me. He immediately started crying I think from a mixture of being handled roughly and because he was hungry and had been taken from the food! I was torn here because I wanted to grab my baby, but there was get this- a freaking dead cow on the front deck and my 2.5 yo (DS2) is squatted down petting it I scooped him up and ran him to the kitchen to scrub his hands. My FIL walks in and DS2 tells him about the moo on the porch. FIL says, "Is that still out there? Go skin him and we'll eat him for supper!" then he looks at me and says, "Did ya here the one about the lesbians?" Also during this time DD tells MIL that her ear hurts so she gave her some tylenol. After she took it I went to put away the bottle and noticed that it expired in 1995!

That night we went to DH's aunt's house for dinner and it was about a 45 minutes drive. It was 7:30 when we got there. My older kids usually go to bed at 8 and my younger two about 7:30. At this point the baby has been awake for over three hours. I had him in a ring sling and someone made a comment that he can't breathe. This freaked out DS2 who was yelling at me to get the baby out of the bag! I figured it would be fine just to carry him, but that immediately started the baby passing again. It was so loud there and SO many people. The baby was exhausted and so overstimulated. I tried to find a quiet place to just cuddle and calm him, but it was not working. People would come in and offer suggestions such as, "Maybe he's sh&%$ing his pants" or get in his face and loudly ask, "Aren't you happy to see uncle so and so?" We left a little before 10 and the baby screamed for the first twenty minutes. I broke down after the first five and cried with him. I felt like a horrible mother for not keeping him feeling secure and for being polite instead of meeting his needs. I had the Harvard CIO study going through my head over and over. At one point he stopped crying for a few seconds and it was almost worse because it was like he was giving up that no one was going to help him. I finally yelled at my DH to pull over and I nursed him and cried.

We got back at 11 and baby has now been awake for over 6 hours and MIL takes him from me again. I said I need to feed him and go to bed and she gave him back a minute or two later. He slept through the night, but it made me so sad that he was sleeping so long because he was traumatized.

The next day was actually pretty good. I put the baby in the sling and spent the day hiking aound the ranch will my kids. We played with horses, cows, and sheep and collected eggs. Most of the family was gone all the way till the evening so it was calm and quiet. DH's grandmother came over and held the baby. She is very kind and we enjoyed visiting with her. She recommended we read scriptures to him everyday as a baby before he is old enough to be defiant

That night FIL came storming in the house swearing and looking for a gun because there were dogs in his sheep. I gathered my kids into the room DH and I were sharing with our little guys and put on a movie. We watched Kung Fu Panda four times before he settled down around midnight. Then at 4AM, DS1, me, and the baby were woke up by FIL screaming and physically fighting with two BILs. They were yelling, things were breaking, dogs going crazy...it was disgusting :

So everyone is totally exhausted on sunday morning and I was trying to get the baby to take a nap and get dressed for church at the same time. I needed to put on some nylons and DH was helping DS2 so MIL held him. He started crying a cry I have never heard from him the second I let go. I reached to get him back and she shook her head and turned to walk away from me! This time I said "I'm sorry but I will not let him cry" and I shut myself in a bedroom. I was so upset I felt like I couldn't breathe for the next 10 minutes MIL did this to SIL (oldest BIL's wife) and their 3 yo DS too. She said "Come see nana!" and when he said no, she grabbed him from SIL's arms and RAN out of the room with him screaming MAMA and reaching out for her. A few minutes later he came running back to his mom and we then heard him described as a brat, a little s**t and a cry baby.


I held my baby all through church and had him in the sling the rest of the time untill we went home. I was so so grateful to be back.

I'm sorry this is so long, I just needed to vent to people who will understand. I feel so alone when we are there. My DH totally shuts down as soon as we pull in, and I don't blame him, his childhood was so horrific. Him and his brothers sit and reminesce (sp?) about it and it is so awful. This time I heard about how FIL killed their puppy in front of them because they weren't taking care of it well enough. My DH was 5 at the time and he didn't do it in a quick way :Puke I also heard about one time when some of the boys were mending fences and they lost a tool. They had two minute intervals to find it and every two minutes that went by without it being found, they were beat with a driving whip Why did these people have children??? My husband did say that we are not staying there again so at least that was gained...

Thanks for listening. Even though I don't know you all, I missed you when we were there.
post #35 of 86

Is your marriage strong enough for you to simply refuse to go back? Your children do not need that.
I remember an awful visit with my ILs when DS was 5mo and a car ride where he screamed and screamed because he was so exhausted and overstimulated..and I cried and cried...and then I put my foot down.
Sorry your Easter was so stressful Mama
post #36 of 86
Quote:
Originally Posted by Agatha_Ann View Post
My DH totally shuts down as soon as we pull in, and I don't blame him, his childhood was so horrific. Him and his brothers sit and reminesce (sp?) about it and it is so awful. This time I heard about how FIL killed their puppy in front of them because they weren't taking care of it well enough. My DH was 5 at the time and he didn't do it in a quick way :Puke I also heard about one time when some of the boys were mending fences and they lost a tool. They had two minute intervals to find it and every two minutes that went by without it being found, they were beat with a driving whip Why did these people have children??? My husband did say that we are not staying there again so at least that was gained...


Are you freaking kidding me????

My question to you is, why the hell are you letting your child anywhere near these people? EVER???

OMG. There is absolutely no way they would get their hands on my children, or even speak to them. NO WAY.

to you for your awful experience. But seriously, keep your sweet baby away from these UAVs. Please. Your poor dh and his brother, to have memories like those. :
post #37 of 86


I am so sorry you had to deal with all of that!
post #38 of 86
:

Im glad your home safe and im so sorry you and your family are in such a complicated situation.
post #39 of 86
How horrendous! Looks like your mama instincts are right on the button with these awful people -- I'm glad you're learning to listen to that inner voice that tells you to stay away and keep your kids away.
post #40 of 86
I'm not clear on why you still visit these people. Let your dh go alone, or you two can go together, but stay in a motel and meet them for dinner at a restaurant. Honestly? I am more freaked out about your two older kids because exposed to all that crap than the baby being passed around a few times.
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