How to deal with unsupportive/uneducated family and friends - Page 2

[ammiga]

I used to be afraid to tell people, but now I'm not. I am well educated on the subject and feel like I can hold a rational discussion with anyone, doctors included. If the conversation turns ugly, I will end it. If the people I am talking to are argumentative and haven't done any research, I will suggest some reading for them, and tell them I am happy to discuss what they think of the things that I showed them. I will not argue or be berated by anyone.

I don't advertise the fact, but I don't hide it either. It's just a fact of our life. I thank all the people that came before me that were open with their decisions, it is what helped me to question mainstream vaxes and end up where I am today. I would like others to have that opportunity as well.

[littlebb]

I completely understand. My family is okay with our decision to not vaccinate, but my in-laws are really put off by it. For the most part, we do NOT announce openly our decision to not vaccinate, because that just brings on unnecessary stress. And I don't need that while I'm pregnant. Also, I feel it's a private matter.

That said, if it comes up, I won't blatantly lie when asked. We are lucky that we have a good community of people who support no-vacc - my midwife, our chiropractor's office (who have 4 kids who are NEVER sick and have never been vaccinated and don't use ANY medications whatsoever) and a few Peds. I asked our chiro how they deal with the pressure of vaccinations and she said the only thing you can do without driving yourself crazy is to make an effort to educate people. We keep a variety of info on hand to give or share with people. We try to pull from different sources to avoid the "that's just internet propaganda" comeback.

One thing we've noticed, especially among people who don't have kids or who are new parents, is that people don't realize how many vaccines kids are given these days. Back in our day (I'm 33, my husband is 38), we got maybe 5 vaccines? Now kids, here in Georgia anyway, get 49 doses of 14 different vaccinations before the age of 6. That's insane! And if you look at the vaccines, some of them just plain don't make sense!

I have found that when I start to question WHY we need certain vaccines, people start thinking about it at least. Chicken Pox? As kids, we all did it the old-fashioned way. A week of itching cures that, then you're naturally immune for life. Chicken Pox are not really deadly. Hep B? The high majority of cases come from unprotected sex or shared needle use - if my newborn is involved in either of those, I have something to worry about! The flu? Get the real statistics on the flu. The statistics are usually skewed on the number of deaths-by-flu each year because they include pneumonia deaths which are far higher than flu deaths.

I could go on and on, but you see my point. Sure, kids might have to suffer through chicken pox, flu (which a flu shot doesn't always eliminate anyway), mumps, measles, etc. But really, I don't feel comfortable taking the risk of the vaccine side effects.

I'm just a firm believer in our natural immune system.

[chaoticzenmom]

I tell everyone too. I usually warn with "Don't get me started on Vaccines" and if they do get me started, I give them all I've got.LOL It's my one "thing" and otherwise, I'm very laid-back.

You know, my husband would have absolutely no idea about if our children were vax'd if I didn't tell him. He's never been to an appt. Has no clue what's required and doesn't see the vax records or deal with exemptions. I don't think it's that far off to just not tell if you know he'd disagree. If he really cares, he'd go to the appointments. If he doesn't care now, why make him care by bringing it up?

I always wonder about women who come here and bring the subject up about their husbands and the vaccine choice. I think "who is going to the appointments?" My husband just wants to know if everything went ok.

[sacredjourney]

DD is completely unvaxed, and I have taken a different route depending on who I am talking to. If I am talking to someone with children, or who may have children in the future, I feel it necessary to explain my stance on vaxes. If I am talking to someone who is much older, and stuck in their ways, I find it a waste of time, and quite frustrating to argue with them- usually. I went out on a limb and told my grandma who was a nurse, and she quite calmly responded that it was my decision and she could see how I would have concern over them. She still recommends that I don't take dd to places where there are lots of children, I try and reassure her that dd's immune system is fabulous and that's what really matters!

[Shnnnjrmy]

i need an answer fast

I am going to apply for WIC this morning and they say they need a shot record, well I dont have one because i have never vax my daughter, she is one now, and i am so afraid that if i go, they will start pumping her full of those crap filled injections that "may or may not" make her extremely sick. I am so confused...all I want to know is if i can just tell them "I dont want her vaccinated." or if they will try to take her from me, I am a young mom, and my boyfriends family are telling me that I have to do it, but my sister had a daughter that has never been vaccinated, and a son that got his until he was 10 months but she discontinued his because she researched what they put in them and she decided not to. If I can get a straight answer it would be so much help. I am frantic, and scared, and do not know enough information. i just want to do what is best for my daughter.

Originally Posted by mom2geminibaby

Hello, I'm fairly new to this forum and glad to find some other parents who agree with me on this subject.

I am having a hard time with my SIL who seems to think she knows everything. We got into a little argument the other day because she says I "shouldn't judge parents who vaccinate since the kids can't go to school without them". For one, I don't care what other parents do and two they can go to school without them.

This all started when I mentioned to my mom who is also not supportive, that when my DS had roseola the dr told us he got it "because he is not vaccinated". To my knowledge, there is not vaccine for roseola and there is also no treatment for it. Correct?

Anyway, since my decision was origonally based my intuition (we went to get the 2 month shot and I started crying uncontrollably for an extended peroid of time) I feel they think I'm crazy and I can't make them respect my decision.
What ways have you found effective in dealing with those who do not support you?

Thanks!

[Shnnnjrmy]

i need an answer fast!

I am going to apply for WIC this morning and they say they need a shot record, well I dont have one because i have never vax my daughter, she is one now, and i am so afraid that if i go, they will start pumping her full of those crap filled injections that "may or may not" make her extremely sick. I am so confused...all I want to know is if i can just tell them "I dont want her vaccinated." or if they will try to take her from me, I am a young mom, and my boyfriends family are telling me that I have to do it, but my sister had a daughter that has never been vaccinated, and a son that got his until he was 10 months but she discontinued his because she researched what they put in them and she decided not to. If I can get a straight answer it would be so much help. I am frantic, and scared, and do not know enough information. i just want to do what is best for my daughter.

Originally Posted by ammiga

I used to be afraid to tell people, but now I'm not. I am well educated on the subject and feel like I can hold a rational discussion with anyone, doctors included. If the conversation turns ugly, I will end it. If the people I am talking to are argumentative and haven't done any research, I will suggest some reading for them, and tell them I am happy to discuss what they think of the things that I showed them. I will not argue or be berated by anyone.

I don't advertise the fact, but I don't hide it either. It's just a fact of our life. I thank all the people that came before me that were open with their decisions, it is what helped me to question mainstream vaxes and end up where I am today. I would like others to have that opportunity as well.

[harmonyhobbit]

My kids are selectively, delayed vaxed. I don't recall it ever coming up in conversation with family. My ped is fully supportive of my ability to choose. he has helped me work out a viable schedule, in fact suggesting a more delayed schedule than I wanted.
We homeschool, so the whole vaxing for Kindergarten topic has never come up.
I talk about it with friends who are curious about vaxes (some are fully vaxed, some are unvaxed, some are selective). I've never run into any hostility over it.

[harmonyhobbit]

Originally Posted by Shnnnjrmy

I am going to apply for WIC this morning and they say they need a shot record, well I dont have one because i have never vax my daughter, she is one now, and i am so afraid that if i go, they will start pumping her full of those crap filled injections that "may or may not" make her extremely sick. I am so confused...all I want to know is if i can just tell them "I dont want her vaccinated." or if they will try to take her from me, I am a young mom, and my boyfriends family are telling me that I have to do it, but my sister had a daughter that has never been vaccinated, and a son that got his until he was 10 months but she discontinued his because she researched what they put in them and she decided not to. If I can get a straight answer it would be so much help. I am frantic, and scared, and do not know enough information. i just want to do what is best for my daughter.

You should be able to get a waiver. Almost all states have provisions for religious, medical and/or philosophical exemptions.
ETA: You might just say you don't have it with you, and let it go at that until you figure out what you need to do. They CAN NOT force you to vax your child.

[becca_howell]

Originally Posted by harmonyhobbit

You should be able to get a waiver. Almost all states have provisions for religious, medical and/or philosophical exemptions.
ETA: You might just say you don't have it with you, and let it go at that until you figure out what you need to do. They CAN NOT force you to vax your child.

Depending on the state, you may not even need a waiver. They just use it for identification purposes. I asked my WIC office (FL) and they said they don't need one and they weren't going to "try to give any vaccines".

[Emmeline II]

Originally Posted by becca_howell

Depending on the state, you may not even need a waiver. They just use it for identification purposes. I asked my WIC office (FL) and they said they don't need one and they weren't going to "try to give any vaccines".

No, you don't need a waiver in any state; it is a federal program.

WIC Eligibility & Vax
"Immunization records and/or an infant/child’s immunization status are in no way tied to the receipt of WIC benefits. "

[Emmeline II]

Originally Posted by Shnnnjrmy

I am going to apply for WIC this morning and they say they need a shot record, well I dont have one because i have never vax my daughter, she is one now, and i am so afraid that if i go, they will start pumping her full of those crap filled injections that "may or may not" make her extremely sick. I am so confused...all I want to know is if i can just tell them "I dont want her vaccinated." or if they will try to take her from me, I am a young mom, and my boyfriends family are telling me that I have to do it, but my sister had a daughter that has never been vaccinated, and a son that got his until he was 10 months but she discontinued his because she researched what they put in them and she decided not to. If I can get a straight answer it would be so much help. I am frantic, and scared, and do not know enough information. i just want to do what is best for my daughter.

Because you are young (unmarried can affect people's perceptions of your competence too) people will often either assume you don't know what you are doing or will just take advantage of you. It doesn't take Supernanny to care for a baby; common sense will take you a long way so : to the ils.

Do you live with your bf's family? If not then I would minimize what you tell them about your parenting decisions.

YOU are the parent and YOU make the choices for your child. Just smile and nod to the busibodies then do what YOU want anyway.

Also, the Dr. is not your mommy/daddy/authority figure; they can't make you do boo. If you start feeling intimidated say (at least in your head) "screw you, I'm the parent!" I also advise against taking an unsupportive parent (like your mom or his mom) to Dr's visists.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You do not need a shot record (see post above).


You can watch this video on youtube:

Vaccines-The Risks, the Benefits, the Choices DVD, By Sherri J. TENPENNY
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=7018835240451107552

[listipton]

Originally Posted by Shnnnjrmy

I am going to apply for WIC this morning and they say they need a shot record, well I dont have one because i have never vax my daughter, she is one now, and i am so afraid that if i go, they will start pumping her full of those crap filled injections that "may or may not" make her extremely sick. I am so confused...all I want to know is if i can just tell them "I dont want her vaccinated." or if they will try to take her from me, I am a young mom, and my boyfriends family are telling me that I have to do it, but my sister had a daughter that has never been vaccinated, and a son that got his until he was 10 months but she discontinued his because she researched what they put in them and she decided not to. If I can get a straight answer it would be so much help. I am frantic, and scared, and do not know enough information. i just want to do what is best for my daughter.

here is a link to missouri state vax requirements and EXEMPTIONS. You should be able to claim it is against your religious beliefs, even if you go on WIC, which I believe they can't force you to do anyway.

http://www.nvic.org/Vaccine-Laws/sta.../missuori.aspx

[mommyofemma]

I don't think you should have to lie about your childs vax status to friends or family if they asked. Of course it is really none of their business, so if you wanted to lie you could. Im open with my family about it. They know our 17 month old has never been vaxed and we have no intentions of vaxing her anytime soon. Luckily my side of the family agrees with my decision, but the in-laws dont. Even though I know they think Im going about raising my DD the wrong way, I don't keep it from them. She is my child and I will do what I feel is best for her. At first they brought up the subject quite often, but I'd let my DH deal with them. Now that is has been 17months they don't bring it up as often, at least not to my face! I know they can't stand her not being vaxed, but I don't think I could stand her being vaxed!! My M-I-L said the same thing about the school thing.."She wont be able to get into Kindergarten"..Well, Id hate to think she couldnt! I tried to tell them about ex. forms, but they think Im stupid..I mean she already has a religious ex. form, but they still don't believe me! Just keep doing what you feel is best. If you want to tell them your child's vax status you can, and just tell them its not open for discussion anymore, you've made your decision and they need to respect that.

[Jilian]

Originally Posted by rcr

yup, don't tell them. I have not even told DH. My big secret from DH and the rest of our family is that DS is not vaxed. I know that DH (and everybody else) would have a huge problem with not vaxing, and he may even force the issue, so I just don't tell him (or them). I take care of doctor stuff. It is actually the only big secret I have from DH, but I believe that it is in order to protect DSs health, so I think it is justified.

OMG, are you serious? We don't vax either but I really had to make sure DH was 100% on board with the risks and benefits that came along with that decision because they are his children too. Put yourself in your H's shoes, can you imagine how he'd feel if he found out? Especially since you say he'd "have a huge problem with not vaxing".

Imagine if the tables were turned and you found out he had been secretly vaxing behind your back despite knowing your feelings about vaxing? That would be grounds for divorce in my house.

[gurumama]

Originally Posted by Jilian

Imagine if the tables were turned and you found out he had been secretly vaxing behind your back despite knowing your feelings about vaxing? That would be grounds for divorce in my house.

Yeah, that. Intentionally hiding something like this from the child's father could get you in serious trouble.

[rabrog]

I wouldn't discuss it with anyone. I would also hand your SIL a vax exemption form for school so she can try to be educated if she insists on opening her mouth on the subject.

Jenn

[Maeve]

Originally Posted by Jilian

OMG, are you serious? We don't vax either but I really had to make sure DH was 100% on board with the risks and benefits that came along with that decision because they are his children too. Put yourself in your H's shoes, can you imagine how he'd feel if he found out? Especially since you say he'd "have a huge problem with not vaxing".

Imagine if the tables were turned and you found out he had been secretly vaxing behind your back despite knowing your feelings about vaxing? That would be grounds for divorce in my house.

I agree.
I asked dh how he would feel in that position and he said that it would really make him question the type of person he was married to.
You really should talk to him.

[mom2geminibaby]

How did you make out? I don't know what WIC is. I live in Canada so maybe that's why. Hope everything went ok for you!

Originally Posted by Shnnnjrmy

I am going to apply for WIC this morning and they say they need a shot record, well I dont have one because i have never vax my daughter, she is one now, and i am so afraid that if i go, they will start pumping her full of those crap filled injections that "may or may not" make her extremely sick. I am so confused...all I want to know is if i can just tell them "I dont want her vaccinated." or if they will try to take her from me, I am a young mom, and my boyfriends family are telling me that I have to do it, but my sister had a daughter that has never been vaccinated, and a son that got his until he was 10 months but she discontinued his because she researched what they put in them and she decided not to. If I can get a straight answer it would be so much help. I am frantic, and scared, and do not know enough information. i just want to do what is best for my daughter.

[schoolmom07]

I said some things simply by not understanding...

Originally Posted by NokomisThree

I think you should tell people. The more this gets talked about, the more people will question the status-quo. It's important to keep an open dialogue about this kind of stuff. Also, I worry that by insulating yourself from dissenting views, you run the risk of becoming just as close minded as those who vaccinate without thinking. Am I coming off too strong? I don't mean to. I'm just saying that discussing things, even if it's uncomfortable to do so, is good for you, your points of view and others.

For the record, We're vaccinating slow and limited. But if it weren't for mommas like those in this forum, I may have just done all of them on the CDC schedule without thinking nearly as much about it. If we get pregnant again, I'm not sure how we'll handle it. And that's a direct effect from listening to people who i disagreed with vehemently in the beginning.

I totally get the "keep it from the family" stand. But you have to argue about something with don't you? Why not this?

I wish that more people would have the same opinions as you. I don't understand the whole non-vax thing and said some things that some took as a personal attack. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but if people are not willing to talk about it how will those of us who don't know find out? I just have a different mindset as of right now and until I have places to find out things to understand this issue it may never change. Once I learn more, I could be one of you! I'm sorry for those of you who may have thought I was trying to hurt you or yours, I am trying to understand WHY you are doing or not doing this not attack you. Information is only good IF it is shared, researched, discussed, disagreed upon, etc....

[zinemama]

I can understand the idea that talking about it is a good thing and that is the approach I use with friends and acquaintances.

But in-laws? Unsympathetic in-laws and other family who are never going to let up on you about it? Not worth the hassle! I have found it much easier not to mention it. And if it does come up, as in, "How did baby handle his shots?" there's nothing wrong with, "He didn't have any problems at all with shots!"