Spreading my wings?

[Juvysen]

I've been going through something lately that's indicating to me that I need to go back to enriching my spiritual life. The problem is I'm not exactly sure what to do. Let me give some background:

I grew up in various Christian sects with Jewish traditions sprinkled within. I don't feel pulled toward christianity, really, and during college became more interested in alternative spirituality. I became a reiki healer and started doing various types of meditation and energy work, I guess. I discovered that I see auras and that sort of thing.

Since my kids were born 3 years ago, though, I've sort of... been struggling to even stay grounded and questioning what I really believe. I've been getting signals lately that it's time to start working on my spirituality again, but I guess I'm just not feeling sure of which way to go. Anyone been in my place? Suggestions on readings or directions to go? I've been feeling really lost (but am still not interested in organized religion, really).

Thanks for listening, anyway.

[Magelet]

If you are open to it, I would try a centering and grounding exercise. sometimes, when I'm feeling such a spiritual mess that I can't even figure out where to start, I will try that. I've come to recognize the "fuzzy" feeling I get when I'm very ungrounded, and learned to fix it. Here is the exercise I do:
To start, the centering exercise. The grounding exercise is literally impossible for me if I am not centered. I imagine a very spikey ball centered in where I imagine my center to be. It is a ball of energy, and it is my spiritual self. The spikes are "frazzledness", "fuzziness", things like that. Uncenteredness. they are a part of me, but they are all over the place. I breath slowly, and gently coax each spike into the center induvidually. If a spike doesn't want to come in, either through coaxing or grabbing it with a "hand" and pulling it into the ball, or by not staying, then I let it, and move on to another spike, and come back to it. One by one, I coax the spikes back into the center of the ball, where they mesh with it and become one, until all I have is the round centered ball of my centered self.
Once I am centered, I do the grounding exercise. I breath slowly. On the out breath, I lower my energy letting down a long cord out my tail bone or feet, towards the center of the earth. On the up breath, I bring energy up the cord and out the top of my head. (You could reverse the breaths, I think of out breaths as down and in as up.) Slowly, gently, with no force, I breath down the cord to the center of the earth (I sometimes imagine growing roots to the earth's core instead of a cord). If I am centered, I can put it down like roots all the way to the core, where it "plugs in" or ties around, or becomes part of the core, very easily. If I'm not centered, I cannot get it down all the way, its a great struggle, and doesn't work. Then, once the roots or cord are "plugged in" to the earths core, I bring energy up with the up breaths from the center of the earth, through the roots, through my body, out the top of my head, and like branches or a cord, up to the stars. Then I take that energy down through me and out into the core. Up and out to the stars. again, I sort of "plug in" to something in the heavens above, though its more vague, sometimes is many stars, sometimes its one star, sometimes I don't know what it is. Keep breathing earth energy up through you to the stars, then star energy down through you to the earth. Make sure not to let the energy sit in you, move it through you and on to the universe elsewhere. Humans make excellent energy channels, but becoming energy receptacles causes big problems. Energy doesn't like to stand still.


The other thing (the biggest thing) I do, when I'm feeling spiritually lost, is crying out to the Divine. If you know what the divine is to you (a specific god or goddess or set of gods and/or goddesses, or something else), that's great. If not, the unnamed, mysterious higher power of the universe is the same thing, imho. Whatever you believe.

(I use the term G-d both because thats what I call this higher power, and because it is a fairly socially acceptable term for this power. Please don't be offended if you do not identify with the way the english language corrals us into choosing a gender and a singularity vs. polyarity when speaking)

Maybe you could start by saying (out loud. that always helps me, I find I have to say it out loud) "Please G-d, I'm so lost. I feel like I need to feel you, to be more spiritual, and I don't know where to start. I'm lost, I'm confused. I want to grow spiritually, and I don't know where to start. Please, help me." Thats just a suggustion, though I would make up my own words if I were you. Really let yourself go. (You almost certainly need the kids asleep, or with a friend, partner or sitter for this, and to be in a room where you won't be undisturbed. It is very difficult to be disturbed in the middle of something like this. I tend to get loud when crying out to G-d, and thus prefer to do so when no one is home, unless I get to a point where I must right away.) Cry, shout, yell, scream, plead, beg, whimper, cry, talk, get mad, get angry, get sad, get scared, whatever you need. They say G-d can close the gates of heaven to prayer, but the gates of heaven are always open to tears. Let yourself feel how you feel. Let yourself fully feel what you are feeling in the moment, your search, and let it out.

Cry out to the universe and G-d. First of all, I always feel much better for letting it out. Secondly, G-d always answers. If I ask for the way, a path of some sort opens up. Its up to me to take it, and I might not like the path at first, but I did ask for a path. If I cry out because something is wrong in my life, I might start to fix it without realizing it, I might have a thought about how to fix it (then or a week later, or even later). Most of all, I let it out, and feel spiritually comforted, almost like G-d is giving me a hug, holding me.


also, you say working on your spirituality "again". think about what worked before, and try starting there. It might be the right place again, and it might be totally wrong now, and you won't know unless you try it.

HTH. good luck. Take it one step at a time. Knowing that you need to find your spirituality is the first step.

[Juvysen]

Thank you for your reply.

I've been doing some grounding exercises, but you make a good point about centering first. I like the visualization that you do for it - I'll try that. I've been trying to ground more often lately, but it's not always easy with two small children and co-sleeping and... well, all that. Hopefully that will get easier as time goes on.

I'm not sure when i'll get a chance to do a crying out to the divine, but i'll talk to DH and see if we can figure out a good time. For some reason, the things I had been doing before (in which I was no master, I assure you) don't really resonate with me anymore, which, I guess, is why I'm so confused.

bleh.

[Epiphany]

Reading your post the first thing that I thought of was that you should try putting yourself in places and situations that would open you up to what you are looking for. I know you aren't into an organized thing, but try out some churches or local spiritual groups that you may have an interest in. For example, I started going to the Binghamton UU church when my mother was seeking for somthing missing in her life. I had been there before, mainly for pagan rituals or to teach a Wicca 101 class, but had never attended church services there. Even though I went originally for her, I am now a member and my girls are in their Spirit Play religious Ed class. And I am now a Spirit Play teacher. I love it there.

It feels to me like you need to open yourself up to experiences so that the right thing in your spiritual life can find you. If you are going to the drum circle downtown, or to a church or three that seem interesting, or to some of the local pagan events, or church group meetups, you just might meet a person or connect with an idea that appeals to you. I think its out there waiting, and you need to move outside of the box a little to let it find you.

[Juvysen]

Originally Posted by Epiphany

Reading your post the first thing that I thought of was that you should try putting yourself in places and situations that would open you up to what you are looking for. I know you aren't into an organized thing, but try out some churches or local spiritual groups that you may have an interest in. For example, I started going to the Binghamton UU church when my mother was seeking for somthing missing in her life. I had been there before, mainly for pagan rituals or to teach a Wicca 101 class, but had never attended church services there. Even though I went originally for her, I am now a member and my girls are in their Spirit Play religious Ed class. And I am now a Spirit Play teacher. I love it there.

It feels to me like you need to open yourself up to experiences so that the right thing in your spiritual life can find you. If you are going to the drum circle downtown, or to a church or three that seem interesting, or to some of the local pagan events, or church group meetups, you just might meet a person or connect with an idea that appeals to you. I think its out there waiting, and you need to move outside of the box a little to let it find you.

Funny you mention this because I had been meaning to check it out for more than 5 years when 3 weeks ago a friend invited me to go with her (and i did). It's one of the "signs" I feel like I've gotten. The hard part is that I'd really like dh to go with me (I KNOW he'd like it if he went), but he has a hard time "giving up his sunday" and so do I to some extent. It's definitely harder for me to leave the house when I feel like weekends (and time with him) are so short anyway. I do plan to go again - I just have to get my act together, I guess... and maybe nag dh some more

[Epiphany]

Finding the time has been a sticking point for me too. Sundays are tough, but I've gotten into a habit of bringing the girls to breakfast at my mom's, then we all head over to church. Sounds to wierd to me to say that. I am not someone who ever thought they would be a "church" person. hehe I am even finding time to reconnect with a spiritual group that meets once a month for a full moon ritual. I used to be so active in the local pagan community, and even taught workshops along the East coast at colleges and festivals. Since becoming a mom my thriving and vital spiritual practice really fell by the wayside. I feel where you are coming from!! But I found something different that is satisfying, it just doesn't look like I thought it would. My DH doesn't go either. He will come to breakfast rarely, and once went to the UU when our oldest was in a play for service. I'd like him to be more involved, but I'm ok with the way it is now. I need to have something in my spiritual life and I really wanted my girls to have a broad spiritual education. So I'm content.

I'm not trying to get you to go to the UU. I just wanted to show you an example of how looking in different places can sometimes be just what you need to find what you are seeking. Meditation, or maybe a dream journey, or something you do on your own will help....but I really think you should try out a few of the local happenings. I feel that the right thing is out there for you. Doesn't mean you will end up staying in an organized group, it just feels like your answer is waiting for you to find it in another setting. If that makes sense.

If you don't mind me asking, who is your friend that goes to the UU? Maybe I know her.

[Juvysen]

the4ofUs. She's gone on and off for a while...

[The4OfUs]

Originally Posted by Epiphany

If you don't mind me asking, who is your friend that goes to the UU? Maybe I know her.

It's me! I've been going on again, off again, on again, off again for over a year now. Mostly off again, but hopefully more on again for a LONG while now. We go to the 9:30 - which are you usually at?

[Epiphany]

Hi! I usually go to the 11:15. Lately I've been teaching the Spirit Play class at that time so technically I'm not in service at all. If I could get out of bed earlier I'd go to the early service, but I'm a lazy bum at heart.

[The4OfUs]

I have to be honest, I'm kind of bummed there's no Spirit Play classes at the 9:30, that we're going to have to start coming to the 11:15 in the fall for DS to start going to classes....I'm a "get it over with early in the day" kinda gal....a throwback to the old 8:30am Mass I used to go to with mom and dad back in the day

[Epiphany]

There are some classes at 9:30, but I think they were short a teacher or two so there may not be classes for all age ranges then. I might switch to teaching the 9:30 class in the fall so I can go to service at 11:15.

Totally unrelated to the UU but there is also a drum circle that meets on Wednesday evenings on Washington Ave in Binghamton. Always a fun place to go in the summer and you might meet someone interesting or find some new ideas or energies flowing there.

[The4OfUs]

That would be awesome. When I was telling my mom about the classes, her first response to me was, "So how long until you start teaching there?" She knows me so well.

[Magelet]

I'm glad the centering exercise sounds useful. I had a really hard time grounding for the longest time, I felt like I was trying to force something that wouldn't go. Being my usual fantasy reader self, I thought about how in fantasy books, the mage always has to center before he/she can ground, and how I felt all frazzled and fuzzy. I "looked"/felt that my aura and energy was spikey, and the exercise evolved naturally. It takes SO much less time to center and ground than to try to just ground. when I do it regularly, it takes 5 or 10 minutes, max. Sometimes more like 2 or 3. And the more I do it, the more I stay centered and grounded.

As for giving up your Sunday, perhaps think of it instead as reclaiming your Sunday. Reclaiming it for spirituality, and family togetherness, in a spiritual way.

[bea694]

Wow. Magelet, I just wanted to thank you for spending so much time posting your exercises and what you do. I've been feeling really lost and hopeless lately myself about spiritual matters, and you've really, really helped me. Bless you!

[marsupial*mama]

No spirituality is okay too.

About five years ago I felt like I needed to clarify my spiritual direction and so started a gratitude journal. Writing gratitude showed me that (G)ood (O)rderly (D)irection is in my everyday words and actions and that I didn't believe in any 'higher' power. Ironically, gratitude lead me to atheism. But now that I have stopped questioning the universe for spiritual answers, I find my own wisdom has become so much more accessible. I felt liberated. So much so that I started a blog on non-spiritual parenting.

[Magelet]

Jack's mama, I am so glad I was able to help you. I can't tell you how thrilled that makes me, that I was of help. May you go on to be of help to many others, and find a path which fulfills you.

[AngelBee]

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