Budget Differences... - Page 2

[KatWrangler]

Op,

I have to commend you on how much savings you have. That is terrific!

[Jane91]

Thanks Think of Winter for hearing me on the used $3 book point! I figure if its not good enough for "Toys for Tots" then we probably shouldn't be giving it to our friends' kids...

"If you think that there is even the remotest possibility that you'd like to be a sahm, then it would be really wise to live at your dh's income for a while and sock yours away. It is tough to lower your standard of living, but there's no greater reward than to have the option of staying home with your kids."

I had always imagined being a SAHM and had one growing up. However, one of the things that I had to accept in choosing to marry my DH was that would not be a reality for me. In our discussions prior to marriage he made it very clear that he could not imagine/be comfortable with supporting a family on his salary alone.

[Smithie]

"I'm still reasonable (saved about 30% of my gross income last year and have no debt) but don't feel the need to live hand to mouth when our income doesn't require it."

My dh is the high earner, not me, but saving 30% of our gross household income has always been sufficient in my eyes. We've made $$ on a house, will probably lose $$ on the house we're currently renting out, made and lost on the stock market etc., but our 30% that goes into our retirement was our nod to responsibility and we blew the rest of our take-home with impunity. Now we're living on way less (started a business) and not saving, and my idea about what's moral and responsible to spend on has been hugely affected by the fact that I know there's very little going into the 401(k).

It sounds like you have taken the right step seeing a financial planner - good for you! Hopefully that will calm things down with your dh. This does NOT sound like a situation where completely comingled finances are a good idea, simply because you're not at the point where you see eye-to-eye. So long as nobody is racking up debt, a little mystery won't hurt and will probably help.

If I were you, though, I'd scale back on personal luxuries and start saving aggressively (in my own name!) for the benefit of my potential child - because a man raised by a woman who would send a used Golden Book to a birthday party in a gift bag is NOT a man who you can rely on to pony up for the right daycare, the right amount in the college fund, etc. etc. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure that you adore him and he'll be a great father - but if you think that a fight over what ANOTHER kid should get turned ugly, wait and see how you feel when it's YOUR kid who isn't getting what you feel they deserve. You want to be able to stop that debate in a heartbeat by whipping out your checkbook and dipping into your huge "quality of life for my child" fund.

[Jane91]

Hi Smithie --

Thanks for the thoughts on the percentages of gross.

Re:

"...NOT a man who you can rely on to pony up for the right daycare, the right amount in the college fund, etc. etc. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure that you adore him and he'll be a great father - but if you think that a fight over what ANOTHER kid should get turned ugly, wait and see how you feel when it's YOUR kid who isn't getting what you feel they deserve."

We've talked about our dreams for future and our kids and I don't think it will be college or activities or good daycare that will be the push point. He thinks all those are very important.

It will be the things he thinks doesn't matter but matter to me. Right now our issue is furniture. I want to do what my family did -- buy the best you can afford in classic styles for hardcase furniture and then keep it forever (45 years in their case), take good care of it and it still looks great. He wants to do what his family did -- buy cheapo and then keep it forever

For our kids it will probably be clothes, number and nature of presents for holidays, "extra frills" for birthday parties, and travel that will be the push point. You're right that I should be thinking about putting away a portion of my "allowance" for those things that matter to me for our future kids. I'm kinda regretting that we didn't agree to keep back even $5,000 each of our savings from the merger to help establish a foundation for what you're talking about. Though maybe its not to late to address that retroactively...

[Sarah8Jane]

Originally Posted by Think of Winter

Ouch on the little Golden Book. That is tough. It does illustrate that you are coming from very different backgrounds. I'll say it...who give a used $3 book for a present? (eta, sorry if this sounds snobby! I did just send a used book as a gift myself, but the situation was different)

Um, me. Actually, I think $3 is a little high. $1.00 is average. $.25 is perfect. But it should look and smell brand new. I do it for family but probably wouldn't for friends.

OP: I'm glad you have been able to discuss your plans for the future. What you're describing of your in-laws is that they are cheap, not frugal. There is a difference.

[laohaire]

Originally Posted by Jane91

I had always imagined being a SAHM and had one growing up. However, one of the things that I had to accept in choosing to marry my DH was that would not be a reality for me. In our discussions prior to marriage he made it very clear that he could not imagine/be comfortable with supporting a family on his salary alone.

My thought on that is that this is exactly the kind of thing to scale back on expenses for, to save up for you to be able to be a SAHM at least for a while. It seems like it could be a reality if you chose it.

[Jane91]

"My thought on that is that this is exactly the kind of thing to scale back on expenses for, to save up for you to be able to be a SAHM at least for a while. It seems like it could be a reality if you chose it."

(1) No, it cannot be a reality if I choose it. I entered into this marriage with my husband with a specific agreement on this point. Unless the terrain were to change (child with special needs, we win the lottery, he gets promoted to a great position) I feel I need to honor my agreement.

(2) I'm 35. I don't have time to "save up more" before trying to have kids.

(3) As a child of a SAHM, I view it as "nice to have" versus "have to have". Being able to provide my kids with orthodontics, a college education, support ourselves in retirement (rather than sponging off them) are all "have to haves" for me PERSONALLY and they cannot be provided on my husband's salary alone. If his salary was such that it made those things possible AND I could SAH that would be something to consider. But its not possible without making economic choices which I PERSONALLY find irresponsible for me to make.

[Smithie]

It's actually really good that you're on the same page about the SAH deal. And I'm sorry if I made an offensive assumption before WRT daycare, etc.

But yes, a fight about outfits or pony parties could still get pretty ugly

[Think of Winter]

Originally Posted by Sarah8Jane

Um, me. Actually, I think $3 is a little high. $1.00 is average. $.25 is perfect. But it should look and smell brand new. I do it for family but probably wouldn't for friends.

Just to clarify, I was certainly not knocking anyone for what they choose to spend on gifts. Paying $3 for a nice gift, . Giving a cheap book in poor condition, . I just sent a book as a gift that I paid $0.25 for (great book and looked brand new). Free is even better. But it shouldn't look like it cost $0.25.