Please don't feel sorry for my family!?!

[rebeccalynn]

I just needed to vent a little b/c this is not the kind of stuff that I really casually talk about with people (friends or family) and it just seems like I can not get away from it.

Why do people make my business their business and "pity" my family b/c we choose to not have all of the "stuff" that dh's coworkers, our families, and friends have? We do not ever say that we can not afford things. I just casually explain that it is what I prefer if it ever comes up. Many times, it is b/c we have chosen to live a more simple life or b/c something else is a higher priority. I am careful not to criticize the choices that other families have made, but can they just leave me and my family alone?

Thanks, I feel a little better to get that off my chest. Maybe, just maybe, I can refrain from blurting out, "We are not getting our kids a wooden playground this year just b/c you got your kid one last year and no, we are not moving into a bigger house b/c we are having a 3rd child this summer and you can not fathom living in our small house with just your two!!"

[chinaKat]

You must know some really rude people!

My best friend has three kids (12, 8, 6) sharing one bedroom in a 800sf house and I'd never in a million years tell her I feel sorry for her family living in a small house. It's none of my business what size house she chooses to live in!!!!

[vm9799]

been there.....and still am there actually! my dh makes a great living and we choose to live in an inner city (old family oriented) neighborhood in a almost 75 year old house so that we can put our kids through private school (pre-k - 12th grade) and still afford vacations, decent cars, organic food, etc. the funniest part is that the other families in our kid's school are completely understanding of this choice (even though some of them have more money than they know what to do with......the daughter of one of the founders of vera bradley (who is also one of the ceo's) has her kids at our school for example)........but the people we know that live out in the hoity-toity suburbs and send their kids to the public school seem to think we have a screw or two (or 1000) loose! lol! they just don't see how we can stand to live "in the city"! lol! the other thing i think is funny is that we live in indiana, so our "city" is freaking mayberry in comparison to a place like chicago! they are always trying to get us to come and check out open houses, etc. because we NEED that 5 bedroom 5 bath house with 25 rooms (20 of which we'd never use) and a 3 car garage. ugh. we are perfectly happy in our little bungalow in the city where we actually know and like our neighbors! and we are surrounded by a diverse community. we just smile and ignore.

[Jenelle]

Originally Posted by vm9799

the daughter of one of the founders of vera bradley (who is also one of the ceo's) has her kids at our school for example)

I am skimming through this thread, come across this part and immediately glance up at your username because I *know* this must be someone in Fort Wayne! Ha ha, I have mentioned to you before that I live in the general area also. We still go up there to get our taxes done at a friend's office, and I met a guy there who was a photographer for one of the Vera Bradley catalogs, and he told me a story about how they actually kind of dragged him into one of the shots. "Here, put this on, you'll be perfect" kind of thing. So I ran home and looked in my catalog and there he was! Ha, I thought this was kind of cool. Imagine rubbing shoulders with the CEO!

Sorry to hi-jack the thread. :

OP, I do not feel sorry for your family. Seriously, though, that would be annoying. Personally, I would probably say everything I was thinking, and then hopefully they'd mind their own business!

[Ola_]

It sounds like they are trying to justify their own choices - clearly if you go along with what they do it will make their way "right". Perhaps you are causing them to step outside of their comfort zone and they don't like it.

[Vancouver Mommy]

Originally Posted by Ola_

It sounds like they are trying to justify their own choices - clearly if you go along with what they do it will make their way "right". Perhaps you are causing them to step outside of their comfort zone and they don't like it.

I think this is it exactly. People have no idea how much my husband earns (and it's plenty), and sometimes treat us like we're destitute. We rent a condo while most of the other families we know own large homes that are always in need of renovation, maintenance and other large financial expenditures. Their kids always, always, always have brand new clothes. My kids wear hand me downs almost exclusively. But I really feel that we have a much less stressful life than most of our friends.

[vm9799]

Originally Posted by Jenelle

I am skimming through this thread, come across this part and immediately glance up at your username because I *know* this must be someone in Fort Wayne! Ha ha, I have mentioned to you before that I live in the general area also. We still go up there to get our taxes done at a friend's office, and I met a guy there who was a photographer for one of the Vera Bradley catalogs, and he told me a story about how they actually kind of dragged him into one of the shots. "Here, put this on, you'll be perfect" kind of thing. So I ran home and looked in my catalog and there he was! Ha, I thought this was kind of cool. Imagine rubbing shoulders with the CEO!

Sorry to hi-jack the thread. :

OP, I do not feel sorry for your family. Seriously, though, that would be annoying. Personally, I would probably say everything I was thinking, and then hopefully they'd mind their own business!

totally going to hijack as well.......

yep, i'm in fort wayne! and that's funny about the photo shoot! my friend is always trying to get me to come and work for vb (in their home division), but i LOVE being at home. someday i just might do that! several of my friends work there with her too. i know right now they're gearing up for the big spring sale. the funniest thing is that she is THE nicest, most non-uppity, down to earth person i know! our daughters are friends and she's just as at home in my "small not fancy" house as she is in her own VERY fancy house! funny story.....she and her hubby were building their house (the HUGE fancy house!) and she's decided she wants an all brick exterior. apparently she's unhappy with the selection that was given to her and i come home from grocery shopping to find her and her contractor in my front yard holding up brick samples to the side of my house! lol! she wants "real red brick" like we have (because our house is so old) and she was having him scout out tear downs in 3 state surrounding to find it! lol! when i got there she was like, "i've been calling you all morning to see if i could "steal" your brick color!" i then helped her decorate when they were all moved in. she kept trying to pay me (as i'm an actual interior designer) but i wouldn't let her as i was just helping a friend and ......so she gave a huge donation to the school in my name. she's just a real sweetheart! and every year for my daughter's birthday she gets her a new "not out in stores yet" vera bag. she has quite the collection now! they aren't personally my taste at all, but j's changing that as they introduce new things.

okay.....that was a novel! sorry

[vm9799]

Originally Posted by Ola_

It sounds like they are trying to justify their own choices - clearly if you go along with what they do it will make their way "right". Perhaps you are causing them to step outside of their comfort zone and they don't like it.

totally! this is exactly why i just droned on and on about my friend. she actually CAN afford (and probably more) the lifestyle that they live in, and she's never once made me feel like we're somehow "poor or destitute".....because she knows we're not and respects the choices we're making as OUR choices. so the people that DO say those things are usually the ones that CAN'T (or can barely) afford the lifestyle they're in and feel the need to judge in order to make themselves feel better.

my goodness i hope i'm making sense!

[fruitfulmomma]

we are not moving into a bigger house b/c we are having a 3rd child this summer and you can not fathom living in our small house with just your two!!

Everyone has their priorities I guess. Square footage, while it would be nice to have a bit more, is not a priority for our family at the moment. We live in a tiny house with 5 children right now, but we have a huge yard in a small town and a grandma right next door. I don't think I'd give that up any time soon. We moved several times when I was growing up and I've lived in large houses with a room of my own and small houses sharing bedrooms with siblings. Can't say as I feel the larger houses were any better.

I am trying to wittle down our wardrobe's to a very minimal amount, because I am so tired of having piles of laundry sitting in the house. We get tons of it from family and friends, which is very nice and thoughtful of them, but no my kids don't need ten more winter coats. You know when you hear about Ma Ingalls or such spending the whole day doing laundry and everyone is aghast? Yeah, I am tired of spending 6x as much time doing laundry as Ma Ingalls when I have a washer and dryer to help me!!!

[KariM]

I think you'll find a lot of understanding mamas here! :


Like you we're criticized for staying in our 1200 sq ft old house in a slightly run-down neighborhood in non-posh part of town.

People can't understand why we're not interested in a big newer house with an $1800 mortgage. It's mostly because we *like* our neighbors, enjoy our $838 mortgage, and have put a lot of time and effort into our perennial plantings (herbs, blueberries, lavendar, rhubarb, strawberries) and our raised bed gardens.

We also like being able to walk to the library, grocery store, hardware store, thrift stores, etc. We're just a few blocks away from our summer farmer's market and nice parks as well. We have *no* interest in living far away from the city center where we have to drive to do everything, thank you very much.

[claddaghmom]

Ergh this is how I felt when someone made a comment about one of our cars.

DH has his late grandpa's car. It's 16 years old and really shows it too. But it runs great (go Subarus!) and it's a sentimental thing for him.

Anyways, some lady at a gas station snickered at us and said we shouldn't be having babies if we can't afford a car. Then went on to point out her Toyota hybrid and said we're destroying the environment by having children and driving old cars.

I was speechless, lol, which was probably a good thing.

Give me a period of saving and I could buy your UAV car with cash.

Besides, it occurred to me later how mean that would be. Imagine if you had no money and had to drive an old car. How in the world would such a comment be helpful?

[Magpie1972]

It could just as easily be said that one could feel as sorry for them as they do for someone who chooses to live a simple life vs. be a servant to their own consumerism. I think we should all be tolerant of other's right to choose however they want to live to the point that we don't make anyone feel like they merit our pity. That's crazy talk to hear of a friend making you feel that way.

[Amys1st]

Originally Posted by rebeccalynn

I just needed to vent a little b/c this is not the kind of stuff that I really casually talk about with people (friends or family) and it just seems like I can not get away from it.

Why do people make my business their business and "pity" my family b/c we choose to not have all of the "stuff" that dh's coworkers, our families, and friends have? We do not ever say that we can not afford things. I just casually explain that it is what I prefer if it ever comes up. Many times, it is b/c we have chosen to live a more simple life or b/c something else is a higher priority. I am careful not to criticize the choices that other families have made, but can they just leave me and my family alone?

Thanks, I feel a little better to get that off my chest. Maybe, just maybe, I can refrain from blurting out, "We are not getting our kids a wooden playground this year just b/c you got your kid one last year and no, we are not moving into a bigger house b/c we are having a 3rd child this summer and you can not fathom living in our small house with just your two!!"

OK, back to our regually scheduled thread....

BTDT. We have by choice always lived frugally and rather simple compared to most of our mainstream aquaintences. DH's salary is higher than some of the people I know who have the 4 bedrm and up home, 2 larger than needed cars, fab vacations, etc plus all the "things" we all seem to have to have but we choice not to. Its actaully a lot easier now that the economy is in the hole and its affecting more people than not.

I used to get funny looks at some of my frugal tendecies never mind all my "natural family choices" such as using rags and cloth for anything and everything. Also "those weird natural concoctions" you use to clean etc.
Now, people are coming to me to learn how just I use and etc. A while ago it was- you buy a side of what?? and now its- hey can I get in on that? My coops are bursting with people from my neighborhood and not online.

I agree that others are just trying to justify their lifestyle and its human nature to question others who are different. My SIL actually in distress called me a "freak" one time. I pray that my brother dosent loose his job ever because they are going to tumble like a house of cards and their Real housewives style of living is going to go out the window. But thats a whole nother talk show!

[vm9799]

never mind.

[lolar2]

When someone feels sorry for me, for any reason, I suggest something they can do to help. (for ex. in your case- "we're saving up for such-and-such, let me know if you see one for a good price" or "we prefer to give money to such-and-such charity; if you're interested in helping, why don't you tell me your schedule so I can set you up to volunteer regularly?") That either makes them feel better, that they can DO something if they genuinely feel pity; or, it shuts them up real quick if they are just being rude.

[RunAround]

Glad you felt you could come here to vent.

People are often trying to see where they measure up against others. This is not completely unhealthy, IMO. Sometimes people are encouraged to make positive changes that way. But, when you're the object of scrutiny, it can be frustrating.

Your post didn't list specific examples, so my response might be off base. Take it with a grain of salt, like any advice from the internet. But, you could throw it back at them: "You seem to be very interested/curious/concerned about our lifestyle and choices. Is there a reason for this?" First, it's a positive reply, not an aggressive response. Second, it throws it right back on them to reflect on why they are bringing it up (aka, "calls 'em out"). Maybe they are genuinely curious or concerned. Maybe they question their own choices. Maybe they are nosy. Maybe they are just bored and don't know what else to talk about. Life is more pleasant when we assume other people are well intentioned and at least give them the opportunity to demonstrate their better side. That said, if you are constantly explaining your choices to your friends, might be time to make some adjustments to your social circle. And, if it's family, they'll live if you ask them to stuff it.

Oh, and, good for you for living according to your values and comfort level!

[Amys1st]

Originally Posted by RunAround

Glad you felt you could come here to vent.

People are often trying to see where they measure up against others. This is not completely unhealthy, IMO. Sometimes people are encouraged to make positive changes that way. But, when you're the object of scrutiny, it can be frustrating.

Your post didn't list specific examples, so my response might be off base. Take it with a grain of salt, like any advice from the internet. But, you could throw it back at them: "You seem to be very interested/curious/concerned about our lifestyle and choices. Is there a reason for this?" First, it's a positive reply, not an aggressive response. Second, it throws it right back on them to reflect on why they are bringing it up (aka, "calls 'em out"). Maybe they are genuinely curious or concerned. Maybe they question their own choices. Maybe they are nosy. Maybe they are just bored and don't know what else to talk about. Life is more pleasant when we assume other people are well intentioned and at least give them the opportunity to demonstrate their better side. That said, if you are constantly explaining your choices to your friends, might be time to make some adjustments to your social circle. And, if it's family, they'll live if you ask them to stuff it.

Oh, and, good for you for living according to your values and comfort level!

Your post made me smile at various points! Love the stuff it comment!!

[Leta]

I get it. A lot of people alternately feel sorry or contemptuous of us, because we are having our third DC this summer, I SAH, and DH makes $32K per year.

They think we're "strapped", or get sniffy, like, "Well, she COULD work". It's all very silly.

For starters, when you add up all DH's excellent health benefits, retirement, and other fringes, he really makes closer to $55K per year. And we live in a low COL area. Our kids' college is covered. We choose to live in an older fixer upper because we want to have it paid off in 5 years or so.

Not only that, we are only 30 and 31 years old. We didn't WANT to wait to have kids or get a mortgage- and we especially didn't want to get an oppressive, long term mortgage on a bigger/nicer house. We like the security of living in a place that we are quite capable of affording, even if other things go awry.

Not everybody would feel comfortable with our choices, and that's fine. But what's crazy to me is that trading up, in the short term, and only in terms of transient material stuff (cars, electronics, etc.) is considered the default choice. We are seen as being so outside the mainstream because we are putting off things like nice new cars and furniture and long vacations for another 5 or 7 years. (HELLO, who wants to deal with that stuff AND little kids anyway? Constantly worrying about ruining nice stuff is not a fun way to raise kids IMHO.)

Feel sorry for people who can't feed themselves, yk, not sorry for those of us who choose to eat lentils and oatmeal.

[mamatoakd]

I don't know if it's "pity" or people looking to make themselves feel superior when I get comments about how we live. I don't tend to think it's pity as that would imply casual "friends" caring a whole lot more about our living standards than they probably do. It's INCREDIBLY frustrating! One day I'm going to just unleash on someone that feels the need to comment on our little house, granite-less kitchen, coupon cutting, sale shopping, etc.! We actually live very comfortably and don't need advice about what more we should buy to live better!

I wouldn't say that my family lives a simple life compared to what others on this board seem to, but we do for the standards of S. CA. We *could* buy anything that the people around us have, but we choose to do other things with our money.

At least it's good to know that I'm not the only one who seems to find the rude-comment-making-people!

[rebeccalynn]

Thanks guys for letting me vent.

It is mostly family that drives me batty. I am sure that dh gets some ribbing from some of the guys at work b/c we keep to a specific budget for lunches and "toys" which is far below what most of them blow in a month. Casual friends usually only bother me with their comments when they will not drop something - ie you have got to go to disney this year b/c the prices are sooo cheap.

Family is a love/hate relationship for us. My parents are the only ones that do not bother me or dh. DH's parents ... we love them but can only take them in small doses. Younger brother & sil are okay & we see each other monthly but we have chosen different life styles and I get the very distinct vibe that they think that everyone strives to upsize like them and we just haven't gotten there yet .... um no, I don't care to live there. Older Brother and sil are a mess, way in over their heads. We do not see them very often and thank goodness b/c of the drama that they bring with them. I can't even tell my preschooler that she has had enough juice at gma's without sil getting offended b/c she lets her kids have unlimited juice. She tries to talk me into getting my dd a disney princess blanket like her girls b/c dd wants one and threw a fit, never mind that she has a brand new blanket that she picked out. No, I am not buying the kid another blanket just b/c she wants one like your kid she has to learn that she can not get everything that she wants. I really digress now and am probably just whining. Lets just say that I need a mental vacation after seeing them over holidays.