Differences in Beliefs - Page 2

[chaoticzenmom]

What are his concerns? For example, one of mine would be that I don't want my children learning about sin. How would you address his concerns? I think you already did address some by saying that you would tell the children that this is only one of many ways to believe. How would you deal with the children learning that if you don't believe in God, that you will go to Hell? That would make them fearful for your husband..their father. How about if your children learn that Gay people are sinners or that divorce is a sin, etc. If you bring your children to church, you get the good and the bad.

I don't think that either one of you is "Right." How is he as a husband/father? Is he normally supportive and involved? Does he spend a lot of time thinking about and planning for his children's future? Is your church one of the "hard-core" churches? Can you find a more accepting (liberal) church or are you attached to the one you are attending now?

Children learn and believe what they are told is fact. So, if you take them to church and they hear the preachings and the sunday school tell them that something is fact, you can't expect them to go home and understand that it's just one of many ways to believe. When they're older, they might understand that, but not now. It's something called "Cognitive dissonance." It's much easier to believe what you hear all of the time because if you're sitting through a sermon and don't truly believe what you're hearing, you have an internal conflict. This can cause your children to have lots of negative feelings, including anxiety and stress. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_dissonance

I don't know who's "right." There's a lot to consider.

[wombatclay]

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The Spirituality board is a forum of support, respectful requests of information, and sharing of faith and practice. To uphold this purpose the board will not host discussions of debate or criticism. Disagreements about spiritual issues should be set aside out of respect for the diversity and varying interpretations and beliefs that we hold as a community.

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[wombatclay]

OP- I'm in a dual faith marriage. It can take a lot of work, especially once children are invovled, and both partners need to be very honest and up front about their own needs/wants. Is it possible for you and your DH to speak with a therapist, clergy person, or counselor who is familiar with the challenges faced by dual-faith couples?

In general however, I think neither you nor your partner is "right" in terms of belief. I don't personally feel like religion "works" that way. But that is my own belief, and not a belief necessarily shared/taught by specific religions... a dual faith couple in which one or both partners holds to a "one true way" belief is going to face bigger challenges than a dual faith couple in which both partners accept a more open or pluralistic approach. It does sound like both you and your partner could use some outside input or a safe place to discuss these topics...

Good luck on the journey... in my own family we've found a good balance, but it took several years and a lot of effort and compromise from both DH and I before we got to this place. Hang in there!

[springmama]

After reading the last few posts I feel like I have gained a better perspective. Plus my dh told me that when he was a kid he went to church w/ his dad's girlfriend and they told him that if he did not believe in Jesus that he was going to hell. He was probably about 7 years old. The church I'm attending is pretty liberal but even so I think that maybe it would be too conflicting for them. They are too young to discern for themselves.

I still have a lot of doubt about my faith but I can't shake the feeling that God does exist. My dh isn't sure of what is out there. He's an amazing husband and father. You don't get much better than him. he is really involved and thinks about the well being of us and our futures. I love him so much. it would be so much easier if we were thinking along the same lines here but I can see where he is coming from. It just isn't like him to not care about a major decision in the lives of his children and for that I am thankful.

So I see that we are both right in this. I'm not sure where this will lead us but I know that I don't want to ruin a wonderful marriage and family over this, we'll work it out. Thanks for all of your posts!

[flower01]

Originally Posted by Bluegoat

The Roman Catholics, who like to be very specific and write everything down, do say that obeying out of fear will get you to heaven, but it is clear that it isn't a good situation. It is supposed to be "If you love me, you will keep my commandments."

yikes. I agreed with you until you got to this point. I am RC and this is not what our church teaches us. Maybe some old school priests talk like that - but so do old school baptists and others. Read anything by JPII or Benedict and you will see a God of love and mercy - not fear and condemnation.

[Bluegoat]

Originally Posted by flower01

yikes. I agreed with you until you got to this point. I am RC and this is not what our church teaches us. Maybe some old school priests talk like that - but so do old school baptists and others. Read anything by JPII or Benedict and you will see a God of love and mercy - not fear and condemnation.

That's not what I meant, though. Yes, Catholicism wants people to obey out of love, that is the way it is supposed to work. But, if a person does obey out of fear instead of love, their obedience still "counts." It still wouldn't be a great situation though.

[zoebird]

i suppose that i can talk about my experience a bit.

my husband and i were both raised in organized religion, but had different experiences. his family was very active in church, and so he was also--sunday school, children's choir, youth group, and so on. for the most part, church is a social event for the family and something that "you do" even though they don't actually have any set spiritual beliefs as a family. that is, my MIL was raised in that church, and she mostly lives by the "you do what you're supposed to do" and so that's what she does. my FIL goes along, and so did the kids. my husband tells me that he never really understood why they went, what they believe, or why you would go to church other than "it's what you do."

so, he has no connection to that church or belonging to a church. he says it's a great social thing (his church is excellent at social events. it's practically their cornerstone. it's as if faith is an afterthought.), but he wanted spirituality and self knowledge and all that stuff. he foudn it on his own via buddhism, mytho-poetic men's movement work, rumi poetry, etc. he feels perfectly fulfilled practicing independently, practicing without borders in a lot of ways.

i was raised catholic. i didn't realize until recently how 'strict' my family actually is about it. i was always an explorer and practiced catholicism, zen buddhism, and studied mythology simultaneously. i also have strong "woo-woo" leanings (new agey stuff).

i never had a lot of social events in church and such. for my family, church was a series of learning and practicing spiritual disciplines to know self and God. socialization was secondary. as it was, i had few friends via church, tw be honest, and what i enjoyed about church was having a consistent place to learn, study and practice with others. i enjoyed that.

so, here we are with a baby. both my husband and i practice buddhism now, but we're also open-ended with it. i would like to go to a buddhist group formally--around here we have a couple to choose from. my husband feels that it's unnecessary. he feels that we should practice at home, as we want, and just seek and find on our own. you don't need "church" if you already have friends because you can pot luck, reading group, and golf with them.

for me, i want a group because i like the organized process. for me, it's not abut socializing, it's about getting spiritual stuff from the organizational process. and then, when i'm out on my own, i can explore freely from other groups, practice from that group, and go to potlucks and golf outtings with other friends independent of this group anyway as i normally would.

right now, we're sort of at an impasse. i'd like to raise hawk a bit more 'organized' and he'd prefer to avoid organization as much as possible because he 'doesn't see the value beyond the social value, and he doesn't agree with just finding friends in these groups simply because we happen to go to the same building." essentially, he sees church friendships as rather "empty" because of his experience.

so what do we do? which of us is right?

well, both of us are right--we're both speaking form our experiences, positive and negative, and we want to give the children what we value!

so, how does one strike a balance? negotiate, negotiate, negotiate. i don't know what that's going to look like for your family, but by communicating clearly and openly, you will find a way.

[whiddle]

How old are your children?

As an atheist, I would not want to allow my young child to go to any church. I would however, take my older child- say 12 or more, to a (any) church if they expressed interest in going. I would NOT be okay with taking young children to church because they do not have the ability to think in terms of abstract vs concrete. There are many positive things that should be able to come from churches but also some negative things. I would specifically object to my young children being taught that they will go to hell, that certain items are prohibited- video games, books, whatever, the concept of hell, and the lack of accountability for the person when making decisions. I believe that the biggest positive is/would be building a sense of community.

I think the suggestion of attending a UU fellowship may be valid for your family as long as you agree with their beliefs. DH and I are considering going this Sunday actually.

I wish you and your DH (and your children) the best of luck!

[astrophe27]

So the bottom line is who is right and what kind of a compromise can we work out? Do I completely let it go or fight for the promise he made when we got married 6 years ago (which he says was nullified because I went agnostic for a few years) ? I would love to discuss this w/out a debate about religion amongst ourselves, PLEASE. THANK YOU!!!!!

Well, just make a new promise. You've both grown spiritually since then, it stands to reason that a "promise update" is in order.

Can you both agree to teach the children about both your backgrounds/spiritual paths? Dad believes... Mom believes... you will grow what YOU believe in time.

If you can at least agree there, then perhaps you can fine tune the actual HOW and the teaching moments/customs/books as you go along.

Alternate Sundays with Dad and Mom?

Go to service but not religious education? Go to religious education but not service?

What holidays will you celebrate and how? (Christmas and Easter popping up immediately)

How involved do you anticipate being in the church community? How will you cope with him / kids becoming a "church widow" if you get super involved?

What about lifespan markers -- things like baptisms, weddings, funerals, etc. Will DH appear for those if you get invited by friends? What about if they are the children's?

Try to get a conversation going and see where the happy medium lies.

GL!
A.