organic lunches are ruining my 9 yr. olds social life!

[roxy]

My oldest is 9, in 3rd grade. I started to learn about good nutrition when he was three. We both went through an adjustment period as we tried whole grains, etc., for the first time. When he started preschool at 4.5, I was the only mom to send lunch from home. In fact, it was only this year that he finally got to have a school lunch. Here's the problem: sometime in 1st or 2nd grade, the kids began to notice that my boy had brands in his lunchbox that they had never seen. The sweet child innocently explained that our family shopped at Wild Oats, and that his foods are organic. The teasing hasn't stopped since. Recently, he informed me that because of his lunches, he had no friends. I know this is untrue because I meet him for lunch regularly. He is very popular, but his perception of the teasing is that no one likes him. Funny thing is, his food is similar to others- Tube yogurt, applesauce cups, sandwiches, puddings, juice boxes- every thing the other kids eat, just a healthier version. I have no intention of lowering my standards to satisfy a bunch of poorly nourished 9 yr olds, and have said all the right things to my son to explain we eat the way we do, but I would love to hear if other natural living families have had this experience.

[anythingelse]

He is very popular, but his perception of the teasing is that no one likes him.

-- maybe this is not about if you think he is popular, it is about his feelings of his self worth and feeling 'likeable'

as a former teacher & mom to boys, IME know some moms that think their kids were well-liked at school but they are actually not and the interactions between kids when adult volunteers are present (for example during lunch) is not always the norm 3rd grade is the age some really nasty stuff can start at school

being generally well-liked dose not minimize the impact that teasing has on a 9 yr old , may be it isn't about the food??
is it about something kids at your ds school have found to get under his skin about

I would think about ds and his closest friends, have they changed in number or frequency of social interactions outside of school?? maybe instead of talking about healthy food to him again you could start a conversation about his feelings, self esteem, friendships, the things he does he is proud of...
you could have him pack his own lunch also and be responsible for making the choices
has his teacher mentioned anything to you about his interactions with peers??
HTH

[bestjob]

I really don't think it's the food. I think it is the perception of being different, and that he is noticing that he's being thought of as differerent and therefore unlikeable.

Like Mary suggested, I spend some time talking about what he takes pride in, and what he feels is special about him. It becomes difficult at times to separate this feeling of specialness from a feeling of superiority, and that's what makes kids this age so hard on each other. When they see someone doing something out of the ordinary, they think that he's doing it to get ahead. They'd like to be ahead, so they knock him down a peg for doing exactly the thing they think he thinks is better.

Acting in a noble manner (by which I mean being good without being competitive about it) is not something you see a lot of these days. It takes a lot of maturity for a child to be able to handle the competitiveness of our society.

I don't think, on the other hand, that you need to let your family's way of life change. If you want your ds to eat organic food, that should be your call. I think he's still young enough that you should make the decisions about his welfare for him. It will make him different from the other children, but not in a very big way. It may even help him follow a path to knowing himself and his true friends more easily. On the other hand, I think that if you are making some inflexible decisions for him, you have to be prepared for a certain amount of rebellion. If he really feels that eating organic food is ruining his social life, he may take to tossing the good food in the trash and eating cafeteria junk. It may not be you deciding to change his diet to satisfy the other kids, it may be him.

Just my opinions!

[mamawanabe]

This worries me so much. I was teased all through grade school (it starts young). My parents instilled a healthy (or unhealthy?) dose of superiority complex in us, and so I was very sure that my differences (hippie clothes, eating "weird" food, listening to Joan Baez instead of Pat Benatoir - sp?) were better, but I still suffered entire years without any friends at school and some years with just one fellow oddball/reject friend.

So I don't think the answer is JUSTself-esteem, and by jr. high (when peers typically become more impotrant than parents) that self-esteem had, for me, broken down entirely anyway, and all I dreamed about and strove for was being just like everyone else.

I know teachers are already overworked, but why aren't they teaching kids that such teasing is innappropriate?! School culture has to change; it has to stop tolerating the teasing and has to teach kids it is ok for others to do thier own thing.

Otherwise, I don't see an answer. Your son will be driven to conform first in food and then in something else (for it never is enough, you know, there will always be something else to start or stop doing in order not to be singled out and teased, esp. if your son and his classmates have already established a dynamic of persecution between them).

Can you talk to the teacher about this? I would request a conference and really try to get through to her/him that this situation is completely unacceptable. One of the prime reasons our society gives for sending kids to school is "socialization," and the other kids are not practicing the social skills we want in our future society (tolerance, kindness, etc).

I would definately try to intervene with the teacher.

Good luck. I feel for you and your son

[Annie7]

Best job said "I really don't think it's the food. I think it is the perception of being different, and that he is noticing that he's being thought of as differerent and therefore unlikeable."
I totally agree. My 10 yr old daughter faces the same feelings as Roxy's son. We are vegan and her lunches do look different.
I work at her school and see just about everything (even when it seems that I'm not looking). What I see is a popular girl eating different stuff in front of curious onlookers. Sometimes the questions are valid and sometimes there is a little teasing. Sometimes it's her that is provoking it. I think the above posts are right on target and give decent advice.

[applejuice]

Children will tease each other no matter what you do.

I was raised "health-minded" or organic. I was the "Quackerpractor's" daughter.

I had whole grain sandwiches with healthy peanut butter, or mayo or raw cheese. I had avocado mashed in a plastic container, and raw milk in a thermos. I had fresh fruit.

I NEVER bought my lunch until I was in college, and then it was for yogurt. I learned to make proper, healthy choices.

I recall being the butt of many jokes - now these same people ask me questions about nutrition.

Funny how things change between people.

[Arduinna]

I don't think that teasing should be tolerated and I'd have a talk with the teacher and anyone else that may be in authority during lunch.

[julie128]

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg...glance&s=books

This is a really good book by Bill Cosby. It's called The Meanest Thing to Say. It's a story of a boy who is forced to be in a dis war. He wins when his every response to the other boy is "So?" When my kids start school, I'm going to buy this book and read it to them all the time. I hope that by using 'so?', they will not be teased as incessantly as I was. I also hope that schools will not be tolerating teasing by then.

[journeymom]

First, do NOT project your own experiences on your child. Your child might not go through the same degree of taunting that you did. This is my experience with my 8 y.o. dd. She's much more popular than I was. She has better innate social skills than I did!

That's just a little off topic!

Second, and more to the point, another consideration is your son's perceptions. He might be perceiving more hostility than is really there. Which sets up a bad feed-back loop. His class mates sense his angry reaction to their questions/comments, and they respond defensively (derisively). This is less likely, but it turns out that was my problem when I was a kid. I tend(ed) to think people were/are being condescending or sarcastic or whatever, when they're not.

This all might be way too much over contemplation for "just" a lunch box issue! But you're a good mom to be on top of it.

[anythingelse]

OT but here goes

I don't know julie128. I think there will always be teasing and bullying. There are many ways to deal with it, but expecting a classroom teacher to eliminate it is an unreal expectation. And I have seen firsthand when adults go in to protect the child instead of empowering that child how terrible it can backfire. The child becomes even more of a singled out target.
It is human nature to establish a pecking order in an unnatural grouping of people regardless of age.

This is a part of why we homeschool.

I know teachers are already overworked, but why aren't they teaching kids that such teasing is innappropriate?! School culture has to change; it has to stop tolerating the teasing and has to teach kids it is ok for others to do thier own thing.

It has been my own experience as a teacher & parent that the worst bullys have the worst parents, they come to school with armour on and even the most talented teacher can not chink in that armour in one year without outside help at home fully supporting this effort. It is the parents job to teach that such teasing is inappropriate and how to deal with it.. there is a 'peace' curriculum commonly used in public schools about the pillars of charactor. It is taught from kndgn to high school.
One of the pillars is caring and if a child has not 'known' caring and raised in a caring home, how would a teacher be able to help them grasp the other ideals????
I would like every child to have the feeling of being cared about to make our world a safe peaceful planet. But I know that with the human nature as it is, this is not going to happen.
Besides teaching the abcs I was expected to teach ethics and this does **not work** IMHO without the proper training, school climate (ie all staff), and total parental support and I have never seen or worked in or had my kids attend a school that had this really working
here is a cut and paste--


Be honest • Don’t deceive, cheat or steal • Be reliable — do what you say you’ll do • Have the courage to do the right thing • Build a good reputation • Be loyal — stand by your family, friends and country


Treat others with respect; follow the Golden Rule • Be tolerant of differences • Use good manners, not bad language • Be considerate of the feelings of others • Don’t threaten, hit or hurt anyone • Deal peacefully with anger, insults and disagreements


Do what you are supposed to do • Persevere: keep on trying! • Always do your best • Use self-control • Be self-disciplined • Think before you act — consider the consequences • Be accountable for your choices


Play by the rules • Take turns and share • Be open-minded; listen to others • Don’t take advantage of others • Don’t blame others carelessly


Be kind • Be compassionate and show you care • Express gratitude • Forgive others • Help people in need


Do your share to make your school and community better • Cooperate • Stay informed; vote • Be a good neighbor • Obey laws and rules • Respect authority • Protect the environment



think about the majority of adults you know that have school age children, do they have these values

[katmainomad]

i also think this is only surficially about food. my younger sister and i were both AP raised and both took equally healthy lunches to school as kids. i was always a social outsider and teased for my yogurt and felt insecure. my sister was popular and very socially happy. i chalk it all up to genetics. by college i found my true peers and have been much more social and secure ever since. my mom also always let me know that i was great and that i deserved love and happiness reguardless of any external condition or performance.

[mamawanabe]

Vanna's mom:

Maybe so.

But the girl who did the most damage to me in elementary school was a beautiful, charming, precocious girl who (as far as I can tell by her mother's participation in school and the gentleness of her father, who was my ped) was well loved at home.

She was cruel to me who was the opposite of her - messy, poor, weird, not charming.

The teachers were complicite in her persecution because she was charming and attractive to them as much as to other kids. Whereas I was "interesting" at best, she was a bright little star of a girl.

I think there was A LOT teachers could have done to enforce the rule that teasing is not acceptable behavior, indeed as unacceptable as violence, running with sissors, saying curse words - whatever.

Teasing in school is especially heart breaking because so much of it is based on the parents' economics. The popular girls were the ones ensconsed comfortably at the middle to upper middle of the economic scale and the unpopualr girls were, in general, poor. (I'm not sure if this is true for boys.)

So charm and charisma must have an economic base - popular girls are always charming, and teachers are charmed too. In jr. high the teacher's pets were always the popular girls, thus teh teachers themselves upheld the social hirerarchy.

In my experience, more could have been done. Human nature is human nature, but civilization and socialization are powerfull forces too.

[anythingelse]

Teasing in school is especially heart breaking because so much of it is based on the parents' economics.

I think that can be an accurate perception too.
What I have witnessed in elementary school aged children is that it is not economics - but personalitys, and that the aggresive mean spirited bullying child came to kndgn like that, with that personality already being formed, that kind of pattern of behavior developed. These kids were not teasing because another child was poor, they were teasing to make themselves bigger and more powerful, to feel more in charge of their surroundings. That little girl sounds to me very familiar, I had a student like that, very indulged by her parents and adults, perceived by many of her peers to be special, charming, attractive - her mom active in our pto dad a lawyer, anytime their daughter got reprimanded would come in a cry foul about it because they felt she was being discriminated due to her race.
The child was never ever held accountable for her actions by her parents or had any natural consequences occur by her bullying because the staff was intimidated by her parents. And the child was definately in charge as far as parenting dynamics went.

Bullying and teasing occurs for a variety of reasons, I really feel that a classroom teacher is so limited in what she can do to resolve this without parents and the other staff supporting her efforts.
As a parent I feel for my children-- it is unrealistic to count on simply talking to a teacher to resolve teasing.
What would be really interesting to know is if anyone has ever met a bully or child that teases regularly that was able to overcome that behavior during childhood, do you think most hs bullys were also bullys during elem yrs too??? and what kinds of interventions worked best??? but I think that is a topic for another thread


(((HUG))) to the OP, this topic is one that always gets me going