Custody Evaluation Home Visit

[chloema]

We are in our 4th week of our custody evaluation, and tomorrow is the home visit. Has anyone been through one of these. I'm just wondering if there are certain things I should or shouldn't do...any tips would be appreciated.

[lilyka]

seriously a home visit!! do they do this for every case or is this something you and x have agreed to? there are no home visits here but I would say make sure the place is tidy!

[chloema]

I think he does it for every case...at least as far as I know.

[grass67hopper]

Make sure your place is tidy and not too cluttered. It should feel 'homey' (so not too neat either!).
Have fun with your child(ren)! Play games and get involved. Go outside and play. Try to act as normal as you can with someone watching. Do not let your kids watch tv while the evaluator is there.
Will there also be an office visit with DC? If not, they'll ask your kids basic questions (hopefully age appropriate). You do not say how old your child is... but if they are 3-4, the evaluator will ask about colors, counting, etc. They'll try to make basic, non-obtrusive conversation.
It really should be like having a guest over for about an hour. BTW, I offered mine food and drink, but they are not allowed to take anything from you. I'd still offer anyway to be hospitable.
Don't sweat it!

[akichan]

Do the CEs go into every room of your house? Meaning, can I close the doors to 2 of the 3 bedrooms (sleeping room and the office) and just open the door to the playroom? The kids aren't allowed in the office anyway, and nothing I do will make it tidy "enough".

[chloema]

Originally Posted by akichan

Do the CEs go into every room of your house? Meaning, can I close the doors to 2 of the 3 bedrooms (sleeping room and the office) and just open the door to the playroom? The kids aren't allowed in the office anyway, and nothing I do will make it tidy "enough".

The CE went into every room. He asked dd to give him a tour of our house, and even asked her to show him the kitchen when she had forgotten to.

[DogwoodFairy]

I guess maybe I'm just ignorant, but please tell me - is there some certain criteria to your custody case where an evaluator/evaluation is ordered? This would completely freak me out, as I'm self-conscious anyway. Hope it went well for you.

Does the evaluator go to both parents homes? I'm assuming they must. Sorry about all the questions. I've never heard of this. Maybe I should be educating myself in case I need to know at a later date.

[chloema]

Our case is kind of strange in that my dd (aged 7) does not want to have visits with her father. He was given supervised visitation (which I was basically coerced into agreeing to), but my daughter totally freaked out when the therapist tried to take her to the visit. After talking to her and getting more information from my dd, the therapist refused to go forward with the visitation and wrote a letter to the court recommending a "focused evaluation" to determine the basis of my dd fears concerning her father. So this is why we are having the custody evaluation, which included the home visit.

To make a long story short, my x was very abusive and told my dd that he was going to shoot us, last summer. Because of this and other events, we were able to get a RO against him, although she was removed from the RO after a few months. After some legal wrangling, and three lawyers, I was able to get a two year RO and an order that states that he is not allowed to have any contact with dd outside of their weekly supervised visitation...but since they are not having visitation, it is basically working as a RO...and he can have no contact with her. As of right now, she has not seen her father since July 2008, except for one time when we ran into him in town and he started screaming at us....but then they wonder why she is scared of him...

[grass67hopper]

If you are fighting over custody for any reason, there is usually an evaluator hired or assigned. Depending upon the circumstances, many do make home visits so that they can see DC in a more natural setting as well as to get an idea of their home environment.
I had forgotten that my evaluator took a quick house tour... Since I was comfortable with him, it was not a big deal in that respect. It is weird to have someone watching you play and interact with your child. You do wonder if you're doing everything 'right'!
Other evaluators do not do a home visit, but have DC brought to their office for one or more visits. Depending upon their age and comfort level, they talk to them privately. Again, interactions are observed, but in an office setting so the child may not be as open.
C, I would assume in your case that it was just a formality. And to answer MP's question, they strive to do things equally (as in visit both parents homes) so that they can have a basis of comparison. And in your case, MP, you might want them to go to X's house so they can see guns and other scary stuff that DS would be exposed to!
The process can be very costly...

[DogwoodFairy]

chloema- I do recall reading some of your previous posts now. I can understand why a custody evaluator would be called in. Sounds like your situation is fraught with toxicity (from your ex, I mean). I'm so sorry for your daughter, I feel awful when children are forced by the court to do something that scares them. It must have been awful for both of you for her to endure the visits. I hope the RO remains in effect, and continues to include your daughter.

g67h - my ex has completely cleaned the house of the guns and other unsafe items. When I was there a few weeks ago to take an inventory, he had removed all the valuables, guns, as well the equipment he uses to operate his business. He had approximately 30 guns while we were married, but when I was there, all but 2 cheap rifles had been removed. I am sure he is storing them at a family member's house. I have no other pics, so no way to prove . While it would be nice to prove the safety issues, I also was seriously annoyed about him hiding marital assets. When I asked him where all the guns went, he stated he had to sell them to pay his lawyer. Yeah right. His guns are his most cherished and prized possessions - he would NEVER sell them. I dont even know the exact number of guns, much less the worth. I asked him if the guns he sold were marital assets (he had several before we were married, and I have no idea how many were purchased while married). He admitted that some were marital assets. I documented the conversation.

He is very good at being on best behavior. Nothing he does right now would be alarming for a custody evaluator, and I have little/no proof of his behavior while married. It sucks. Plus he has way more family/friends as witness to attest to his FABULOUS parenting skills, and I have very few people who could be witnesses for me.

[grass67hopper]

"He is very good at being on best behavior. Nothing he does right now would be alarming for a custody evaluator, and I have little/no proof of his behavior while married."
Isn't it amazing that they know exactly what they're doing?
However, the truth will eventually come out... It may not happen all at once, but it will.
I can already attest to this phenomenon (at least a little bit). Which is why we mamas have to be careful and super-smart.
But it ain't easy riding this rollercoaster!

[chloema]

Custody Evaluation Home Visit - Update

After 10 long months, our custody evaluation is finally over. Well sort of. The evaluation was 77 pages of pure bs, and once again, my ex has been able to get away with his abuse.

According to the evaluator, my ex has Narcissistic tendencies, which go along with everything I accused him of BUT he said that the ex hadn't taken an interest in parenting dd because I practiced Attachment Parenting. According to ex and his mother, I wouldn't allow ex-dh to participate in the everyday responsibilities of dd child rearing. This is from the guy that I used to beg for a break. He would tell me that I didnt deserve a break because, "I picked it"...meaning, I was the one who wanted dd, not him.

Even though I have a 2 year RO against the ex, several documented incidents where the ex violated the RO, and one time where he was arrested, the support of my dd's therapist, my therapist and a DV organization that I have been involved with for the last year and a half, the evaluator actually said there was no abuse. Apparently the 7-8 police officers werent as mart as this guy. He wrote that I exaggerated the abuse and the police and DV people were fooled by me. I had no idea I was THAT good

Then there's the kicker. The evaluator said that my dd and I were too close. He said our relationship was inappropriate and this led to my ex abusing us..because we made him feel left out. It's weird, the evaluator acknowledges that the ex was abusive, but said that it wasn't really that bad. I exaggerated it all.

Basically, my mil had a lot of input in the evaluation. It was full of her lies and opinion of everything. This wouldn't be so bad if she wasnt someone we saw once a year. She barely knows me, and has always had a problem with me. She is very controlling. She told the evaluator I had pictures of men with gun in my home (I don't) and the ex said that I was a witch, a stripper and had a DUI. Not only have I never been arrested, but I have never even had a driver's license. I've never been a stripper either.

The entire report was biased and one sided. The report didn't include firs hand testimony from people my dd confided in about the abuse. It didn't include comments from the police officers who believe us. BAsically, all of my evidence was strangely omitted from the report. There were even instances where he said I said things that I hadn't.

I am really upset. $18k for this evaluation??? My dd hasn't had to have visitation since 7/08, but the evaluator recommends weekly supervised visits, even though she doesnt want them. She's 8 1/2 now.

Does anyone have any advice regarding what I can do? I have an attorney, but she doesn't really "get it".

Also, The evaluator was convinced by my mil that AP means that the mom does all the parenting. Does anyone have any documents or web pages I can print out to give to the mediator so she can see that this is untrue. I've been googling, but haven't really found the info I was hoping for.

The final conclusion was that AP and my having been abused led me to interfere with the ex's relationship with dd. The evaluator actually said that the ex would be able to be a good parent, now that he and I aren't together any more. Just in case, any of you guys don't remember me, my ex was the guy who told my then 6 year old that he was going to shot us with a shotgun. He had also put caps in fake gum, and had it go off in her face.

Any info you guys could share will mean the world to me.

Thanks!

[pranamama]

a GAL (guardian ad Litem) is a little better but not much, the courts seem to not worry much about kids going off with psychopathic parents after divorces....

[Avani]

I just finished up three years in court with my abusive ex and even with police reports, a restraining order, several witnesses and my ex breaking the restraining order the judge still sided with him. Pretty much the same as your story the judge thgought that my side of the story involving abuse was just a tactic to get custody of the kids. Ex didn't see the kids for three years because he choose not to use his supervised visitation rights. After no visits the supervision was lifted even though i proved he violated the restraining order and now my ex gets every other weekend from fri-sun with our kids. The kids don't even remember him and my ex is very abusive. There is nothing i can do. Just wait for the kids to get abused and go back to court. Sorry i hope for a better outcome for you.

[chloema]

Originally Posted by Avani

I just finished up three years in court with my abusive ex and even with police reports, a restraining order, several witnesses and my ex breaking the restraining order the judge still sided with him. Pretty much the same as your story the judge thgought that my side of the story involving abuse was just a tactic to get custody of the kids. Ex didn't see the kids for three years because he choose not to use his supervised visitation rights. After no visits the supervision was lifted even though i proved he violated the restraining order and now my ex gets every other weekend from fri-sun with our kids. The kids don't even remember him and my ex is very abusive. There is nothing i can do. Just wait for the kids to get abused and go back to court. Sorry i hope for a better outcome for you.

Thank you Avani. I have been following your story for quite a while. I'm sorry that things turned out as they did for you.

Even though the ex has supervised visitation, I'm sure it will quickly be moved to unsupervised, because he puts on a good show. The one thing that keeps me hopeful is my dd. She is amazing and has turned into a "tell it like it is", kinda girl! He will not be able to manipulate her anymore.

[chloema]

Originally Posted by pranamama

a GAL (guardian ad Litem) is a little better but not much, the courts seem to not worry much about kids going off with psychopathic parents after divorces....

Sad, but true. Can you believe that the evaluator had the nerve to criticize me for trying to gather information for "my case".

[blessingscome]

That's truly sad. But I believe it.

[Learning_Mum]

Originally Posted by chloema

Then there's the kicker. The evaluator said that my dd and I were too close. He said our relationship was inappropriate and this led to my ex abusing us..because we made him feel left out.

This statement alone makes me feel sick and so angry for you! The victims never do anything to make someone abuse them! That's equivilent to saying that because a woman was wearing a low cut top and short skirt she was asking to be raped.

I hope any judge in their right mind would completely dismiss this 'evaluation'. It sounds more like the boys sticking together (as in 'ha ha ha, you know what those little women are like! So hysterical! Must have been PMS! Ha ha ha)

Argh! I'm angry for you!

[Avani]

I will say this though, as good of a show my ex put on to get more custody of the kids, he has not come to visit them yet. So far he has not shown once since being granted unsupervised visits even though he told the judge he was so happy to be given the visits and would be here immediatley to see them. When he does actually visit my lawyer has ready a contempt for not paying child support action ready for me to serve on him. The men put on the big show just to gain some control but do they actually care about the children? I doubt it. I still haven't seen a penny of court ordered child support.

Your ex may not even take any of the visits or be like my ex and fight for the unsupervised visits only to never actually use them. These men want control and to get revenge on us, not custody of children.

[Labbemama]

Your stories make me so afraid of the system.

We currently have a GAL for the kids but he has not called me. I do not want to call them but I don't want to not have my side heard either.

I am terrified stbx will get some kind of visitation, even though they have substantiated emotional abuse, the hardest kind of abuse to substantiate. And because my kids are acting out because they have multiple mental health issues and the domestic violence experience of having their mother stripped of her parental authority we are naturally struggling to regain order in our home!