so i have been avoiding posting, because i didnt want to bring negativity and get anyone down. but i think i need to share here.
two weeks ago i was having severe abdominal pain. i ignored it for two days. on the end of the second day i felt i should call my dr, i did she asked me to come in, i did. she sent me for a CT scan to rule our appendicitis and diverticulitis. it was neither. it was something called panniculitis. she explained it as my fat having a heart attack. lol. pretty much the good fat that surrounds my organs and protects them, died. somehow it didnt get enough blood flow, and it died. causing me great pain.
they also found a cyst on my pancreas on the CT, and my dr sent me to get an MRI to see what they could see.
the pancreatic cyst showed up on the MRI and she said she didnt feel comfortable saying "lets wait and measure it in 6 months" and has referred me to a surgeon, to talk to the surgeon a bout what we should do. best case scenario, the surgeon laughs and says "oh this is nothig, lets wait 6 months and re-check then" the worst case scenario, is they do surgery, remove it, and find its cancer.
i have to say i am really very scared right now.
i dont want to leave my girls with no mother. i dont want to have cancer. i dont really want surgery either.
i just want this all to go away.
the cyst has been causing me an extreme ammount of pain, as well as my fibromyalgia, that no ammount of medicine, herbal or pill, has been able to help with.
i am feeling so overwhelmed with pain, and emotions. i feel like i am not being a good enough mother to my children. and my mother is constantly reminding me what a shitty mother i am. we used to have such a great relationship. we were very close. and now we have NO relationship.
between my grandpa dying, my uncle staying here (he is a dick), this medical drama, losing my relationship with my mother... its all just so much.
i am trying to take things moment by moment, and not dwell on any one thing. but then it all just comes flooding back, and i crash again. no ammount of zoloft is pulling me out of this.
to top it off, i dont have any $ for good quality green meds, and have been relying on my sisters meds that she gets from my dd's friends dad. and while they are ok, they arent as great as the meds i normally get. plus if i did have the $ i wouldnt want to bring my grower down. she is such a wonderful woman, and she is so sensitive to negativity, and i really dont want to heap this on her.
thanks for letting me get it all out mamas.