Encouraging DD to speed things up a bit

[z-girl]

First of all, maybe it's unrealistic to expect my 2.5 year old to understand time in the same way I do. Here's what's frustrating me- DD taking *forever* to get ready for bed (and me bugging her every step of the way- "Time to turn the water on, time to wash hands, time to brush teeth..."), DD needing to do 37 things before we can get out of the door, getting in the carseat, etc.

Sometimes she gets it when I say that we're in a hurry (I've been working on this for a while knowing that the new babe was arriving soon- 5 weeks old now). To balance that, when we're not in a hurry, I tell her that she can take her time and play around.

I hate the pattern that I've gotten into! I feel like a micromanager and what I really want is to help DD manage herself. The problem is that this is so effective, in the short term. If I want DD to move along, I tell her that we need to get going a little faster (in a very nice, even joking, tone). If that doesn't work, I tell her that I'll need to count, and then help her. She really likes to do things herself, and really hates it when I count, so this lights a fire under her tushy. The problem is that I'm tired of lsitening to myself count! It's not threatening in a mean way, and sometimes she really does want the help that I'm offering. Most of the time, though, she just gets moving to get me to stop counting. That's not a very good way to encourage her to be intrinsically motivated.

I praise her when she does things quickly and on her own, but not effusively. When she gets in her carseat quickly, I might say, "You opened the door and climbed right in. Now we can get going to XYZ Fun Place."

How do I do this better?

Thanks!

[Dar]

Do you think the issue is a control thing, or her not having the same sense of urgency you have, or her losing track of what she's supposed to be doing, or something else?

The counting doesn't seem like a good idea, if she hates it when you do it - stuff like that generally feeds right into a power struggle, she'll do stuff that bugs you, you do stuff that bugs her.

If you're not already doing so, I'd stick to one thing at a time, or possibly two. "Go get ready for bed" is too much. Actually, at 2 1/2 I still did most of that kind of stuff *with* Rain, if not for her. So, I'd go into the bathroom singing a goofy tooth-brush song (I know quite a few) and call out "Do you want to put on the toothpaste, or should I do it?" Two year olds generally can't do an adqquate job of tooth-brushing on their own, so we'd do "turns" - we'd each take a turn brushing out own teeth, and then doing each other's teeth. If it was time to wash hands, I'd probably hand her a warm wet washcloth or something. Of course, if *she* wanted to wash her own hands, it was a production, but she had a little chair step-stool, and she would indeed do it all by herself, with lots of water everywhere..

If she wants to do something herself and time is an issue, like getting into the carseat, I'd try to make a game out of it - "Oh no! Speed Racer (that was the name of our car - yes, I know Speed Racer was the guy in the cartoon, not the car) is in trouble! He needs more gas, *quick*. We'll help, Speed Racer! Quick, buckle into the power seat! Here, you hold the ATM card of Power!" Okay, maybe that appealed more at three, but something along those lines.

The best thing, of course, is to plan things so you generally do have time, but I know that isn't always possible. I do think that little kids generally just move at a slower pace than bigger people, that's just how they are. If you can give time to prepare and a plan ahead of time, that might help - "In fifteen minutes, we need to put on shoes and socks and jackets and go pick up Shane at baseball practice." And then 5 minutes, and then 1. And in a pinch, the footwear and jacket can be grabbed and thrown into the car.

If she's into doing things "all be herself", she might like having a "To-do list". I've seen this work for toddlers whose older sibs or moms worked this way - you can draw a pair of socks, a pair of shoes, and a jacket on a piece of paper, and she can cross them of when she has them. Rain was never that kind of kid, but it worked well for a friend of mine when her middle child was 2 or 3.

dar

[z-girl]

Dar,

Thanks for all of your ideas! When I read people's responses, sometimes I realize what a terrible job I do of explaining things.

I really don't think it's a control thing. I think that when my butt is hanging out in the rain/snow while DD piddles her way into the carseat, that it bugs me. Or when it's time to get ready for bed and she plays around the bathroom for ages before starting our routine, and I know that she's going to get really cranky soon and I'm bored of standing there for 10 minutes waiting.

We do make a game of stuff like the carseat, and I approach it all with a sense of humor. If I'm really frustrated, I say that I'm frustrated. Or I simply state what I'd like her to do.

I didn't mean at all that I expect her to get ready for bed on her own! But she has a stool and insists on turning the water on, getting soap, etc herself, but it takes forever. We could start even earlier, but, honestly, it just gets long to spend 20 min in the bathroom!

We leave lots of time for getting ready, and instead of focusing on time, I usually stress what we'll need to do before we go. If I ask DD what she needs to do before we go, she's good about figuring it out. She'll say that she wants to finish her coloring project, etc. As I write this, I realize that it's the daily routine stuff that takes forever and that she gets a little OCD about. All of the animals in the bath have to be lined up and bathed and filled and restacked just so every day...

For me, it's not about having her be more independent and do things herself. I'd just like her to respond when I ask her to speed up instead of having to count to get her started.

Still lots of thinking for me to do.... Thanks for helping me start, Dar!!!

[z-girl]

I just re-read the chapter on cooperation in HOw to Talk... good stuff in there. DESCRIBE WHAT YOU SEE. I'm going to tatoo that on my hand!

[pamelamama]

My four year old is so slow I want to bang my head on the wall sometimes. He is just in his own world sometimes. His teachers have commented on it in the past. He's just up in his head somewhere. The worst is when I have to stand in the bathroom with him for twenty minutes while he poops. In a public restroom. And I'm hungry/tired/holding baby. And he insists I make up stories for him. Sometimes I just want to scream.


But soemtimes I make up good stories.

[z-girl]

I decided to make use of times she's slow- extra stretching in the shower, etc. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em!

[Ms.Doula]

But soemtimes I make up good stories.

:LOL HAHAHAHAAA!!! :LOL


Sometimes when I am so frusterated, and Tired of waiting.... I just wanna scream! ............................ ANd then I do! ARRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!





......................................... And then we all laugh!!!!!!!!!!! :LOL

[NoraJadesMama]

I think it's sad and kind of funny that no one has any solutions to this problem. I have no solutions either.

When dd was 4 this hit its peak. I would laugh at suggestions that we "budget more time" for tasks. I was just completely floored by her ability to lose herself in the moment. Any of our attempts to hasten her along were received as horrible intrusions on her current occupation.

I came to think of it as a culture clash. On the planet where I come from, it's good to move along sometimes, either because certain activities like going to the bathroom shouldn't take hours (or if they do, you shouldn't require your mother's constant presence), or because it really is worth getting to the park when our friends are there to meet us. On my planet we have hundreds of words for time; late, slow, early, speedy, quick, hurry, wait, stalled, excrutiating, etc.

But on the planet that she comes from, there is no word for time. There is just an endless present moment. There is the song you sing about the toilet paper with its many choruses when you're in the bathroom, the ritual of pulling out the toilet paper the same length as your arm and wondering when your arm will grow another square..... These things are important. And so are the other ideas or pieces of fuzz or little sticks that present themselves to you during the day.

Thinking of it as a genuine clash of cultures, each legitimate in its own way, really did kind of help me define the problem in a way that at least didn't make me wrong for wanting to move along, and didn't make her wrong for resisting. I think that helped me not be angry at *her*, even when my own dilemma remained frustrating.

Pamelamama: those public restroom daliances with a baby in tow, those are like torture! :LOL

Hang in there, z-girl! It can be SO hard to be the mama to a toddler and a new baby. I wish I could help you!

[Piglet68]

I love the analogy of two cultures. That is right on the ball, IMO!

I do try to give DD as much time as I can to decide to get moving on her own. Most of the time she eventually does, and I'm very proud of her for that, although I wonder if this isn't going to get harder as she exerts her independence more. I really don't like having to go take her by the hand and lead her out the door, etc. as it just feels too much like coercion. She doesn't cry or anything, but I'm wondering what we'll do when she gets older (guess we'll be posting here, lol)

[z-girl]

Thanks, NJMom. You did a great job of articulating how I've been feeling. I totally get that she and I are from different planets on this thing. Why would she or should she get the concept of time in an adult way? On the other hand, she and I are together 24/7 and sometimes our cultures have to meld! I definitely see her side, and wish that I could accomodate her need for childish exploration all the time, but sometimes we just have to get moving. One thing that makes me feel better is giving her oodles of time to piddle when we have time.

Glad to know that I have potty woes to look forward to someday (soon?)!

Thanks for joining in the humor of this, mamas!