baby hitting?

[Mama2Rio]

this is the situation... my neighbor (who is very different in parenting in every way) has a 1 yo boy, my dd is 9 months. he is really the only baby she sees regularly. he is in daycare and around other kids... but he is very aggressive. my dd is easy going and well nature, every one says this, it's not just me.

so, every time we're visiting this little boy just hits her and grabs toys from her. it's just not nice. i know he's only one and he is told not to do it, but it just seems mean! if she picks up a different toy, he grabs that, he hits and hits....

we don't visit often, but their neighbors, and i just try to be nice for that reason, and so we see the often enough.

i don't like her to go through this treatment and i don't want her to pick up these actions. how to i go about this situation without sounding like an over-reacting parent? i've been tryingg to avoid "play dates" and this can only go in for so long. i'm really easy going, but i've seen enough of this behavior to believe it's not healthy for LO to be around.

[zinemama]

It's the other mother's responsibility to redirect her kid and keep him away from your daughter. It doesn't sound like she's able or willing to do this. So it's up to you to just say nicely, "I've noticed babyX is going through a hitting phase - and I think it's best that we don't get the kids together until he outgrows it."

[mermaidmama]

re

I'd rather be honest and tell the neighbors that their ds is a little to rough with your dd. Sure they might get defensive or whatever but whats more important - their hurt feelings or your daughter being bullied?

[verde]

I had a similar situation with a neighbor. Her little boy and my DD are almost the same age. Whenever we would get together, he would follow DD around and thwart her every move: take toys away from her, grab things from her, stand in front of the the TV so she couldn't see, follow her around and say "no, no" to anything she tried to do. The one time he jumped on her and began to pull her hair, I said, "NO!" in a firm voice and he stopped. The mother has 4 other kids and is always running around after everyone. So basically I stayed right with DD whenever we visited and finally I just stopped visiting. It just wasn't worth the hassle.

If I were you I'd stop visiting. He will grow out of it, hopefully, but right now he has no impulse control at all and it seems his mother is unwilling to do anything about it. If she asks you why you don't stop in just say when he's older and doesn't hit anymore you'll be happy to visit. And whenever you see them around just smile and wave.

[newbymom05]

I don't think it sounds healthy for anyone. I'd just stay away and tell the other mom you're busy. Why put yourselves through it? IME he won't outgrow it either anytime soon--how can he if mom isn't redirecting?

[coffee.caugh]

i would stop letting them play together. no direction from the mom for him to stop and it isn't your responsibility to try and make him kinder towards your dd.. if he isn't being taught this at home on a regular basis you telling him no no here and there won't really accomplish anything. save yourself the trouble and your dd the trouble and find a new buddy.

[chfriend]

Honestly? A 9 month old doesn't need playdates. Hang out with people you like. Take her along on things you want to do. You'll be following her requests to set up playdates soon enough!

The behavior you describe is really normal...and doesn't really get better for most kids until somewhere in the 3's.

[~savah~]

I have the aggressive child and it sucks. My friend often comes over with her son who is 9 months younger than DD and DD is always picking on him. She will try to push him over, hit him, and the other day my friend thought DD was kissing him, but she was biting him. I don't know what to do with her. Mostly we are both there to keep her from hurting the baby, and if she does I sit her down and tell her that it hurts. The weird thing is that they both like each other a lot. DD loves to play with him, and he smiles every time he sees her. I would love to get some perspective on how to deal with the situation, I am so thankful my friend doesn't stay away, because tbh the play dates are more for us than the children.

[zansmama]

I really, really think that this is normal baby behavior. We have ha d group playdates since ds was very tiny, and the little ones often behave this way. I would intervene only if one baby is hurt or crying. Otherwise, let them work it out! This is the beginning of learning social skills.

[sept15lija]

I feel bad because my DS is sometimes that child! He is 15 months and is starting to hit. He is certainly not trying to hurt anyone and I've been working hard on making sure he knows it is not acceptable, whenever we're with other kids if he hits I redirect him and tell him no and I swear I must say "gentle" or "ow that hurts" about 10x per day. It is normal but I would not be comfortable with another mother who does nothing about the situation. I agree I would keep her away if the mother is unwilling to intervene.

[zansmama]

I would definitely reccomend saying something like "gentle hands, gentle hands" while modeling gentleness... over saying: "NO!"...

[earthgirl]

I'm probably not the most objective on this topic b/c my DD tends to be the one who often gets bullied, but I would also avoid. It seems to me that the behavior may be perfectly normal, but it sounds like his mother is not really intervening, which is what I have a problem with. I've been avoiding a friend b/c she lets her DS torture DD and she is completely inconsistent with how she intervenes, if she intervenes at all. Now I only agree to see them if we're meeting at a playground or something.

[alexsam]

1 year olds hit. That's what they do. Some more than others. And it doesn't often get better until they are about 3. Really, it is not mean. They might be hitting in anger, frustration, etc., but toddlers don't hit out of a mean spirit. It is the nature of the beast and there are lots of things that go into it that are totally normal. They take toys because they do not understand the idea of "ownership" and true sharing is years away. It is not developmentally there yet. They do not yet know about empathy, they are developmentally unable to imagine what others are thinking or feeling. That doesn't come until 3 or so. What he's doing he is doing because he is a normal 12 month old!

And I want to gently suggest that YOU will be in her shoes sometime in the near future. It is pretty much a guarentee that you will turn around one day to see your kid wollop the kid next to them, push them down, rip toys from their hands and do all that stuff . I will never forget my shock the first time my sweet, innocent, "always gentle" little boy clocked some kid, pushed him down and took his toy. I was distraught, the other (more experienced) mother laughed- "Welcome to toddlerland!" she said. I corrected my son, she brushed hers off, we moved on and I learned a big lesson in parenting .

So, if it is really unbalanced or your daughter is really being hurt, take a break from the neighbors or meet up in a place where there is less "togetherness", like at a playground or outside. But try not to hold it against this kid... He's really not being mean, "not nice" or any of that. He is doing what toddlers do.

[alexsam]

Originally Posted by Mama2Rio

...and he is told not to do it...

The mother IS interveining...

[Mama2Rio]

next week theres a party at their house, so i want to see how he interacts with other kids because he's had more socializationm with other kids than my dd. if he hits the other kids too or just girls, ect. i don't plan on staying long so things shouldn't get out of hand, plus other people = other distractions.

thank you for the responces... i like that i've gotten feed back from both sides of this type of situation. i have thought about if it were my child being agressive, it's just a sticky situation and i'm not too fond of these people, but i want to "keep the peace",

[crittersmom]

Originally Posted by alexsam

1 year olds hit. That's what they do. Some more than others. And it doesn't often get better until they are about 3. Really, it is not mean. They might be hitting in anger, frustration, etc., but toddlers don't hit out of a mean spirit. It is the nature of the beast and there are lots of things that go into it that are totally normal. They take toys because they do not understand the idea of "ownership" and true sharing is years away. It is not developmentally there yet. They do not yet know about empathy, they are developmentally unable to imagine what others are thinking or feeling. That doesn't come until 3 or so. What he's doing he is doing because he is a normal 12 month old!

And I want to gently suggest that YOU will be in her shoes sometime in the near future. It is pretty much a guarentee that you will turn around one day to see your kid wollop the kid next to them, push them down, rip toys from their hands and do all that stuff . I will never forget my shock the first time my sweet, innocent, "always gentle" little boy clocked some kid, pushed him down and took his toy. I was distraught, the other (more experienced) mother laughed- "Welcome to toddlerland!" she said. I corrected my son, she brushed hers off, we moved on and I learned a big lesson in parenting .

So, if it is really unbalanced or your daughter is really being hurt, take a break from the neighbors or meet up in a place where there is less "togetherness", like at a playground or outside. But try not to hold it against this kid... He's really not being mean, "not nice" or any of that. He is doing what toddlers do.

Totally agree.

[mamazee]

Please don't label a baby as "mean" or "aggressive" for not having impulse control. There isn't that kind of motivation at that age. Some babies and toddlers are more physical than others, and both are normal and neither is the result of bad parenting or being a bad child. It's normal and he'll outgrow it. If you want to skip the playdates for a while, that's understandable. Or be more hands-on to protect your dd.

[dubfam]

Originally Posted by mamazee

Please don't label a baby as "mean" or "aggressive" for not having impulse control. There isn't that kind of motivation at that age. Some babies and toddlers are more physical than others, and both are normal and neither is the result of bad parenting or being a bad child. It's normal and he'll outgrow it. If you want to skip the playdates for a while, that's understandable. Or be more hands-on to protect your dd.

Yet again, Mamazee is the voice of reason

[Sierra]

Originally Posted by mamazee

Please don't label a baby as "mean" or "aggressive" for not having impulse control. There isn't that kind of motivation at that age. Some babies and toddlers are more physical than others, and both are normal and neither is the result of bad parenting or being a bad child. It's normal and he'll outgrow it. If you want to skip the playdates for a while, that's understandable. Or be more hands-on to protect your dd.

This.

And also, as was previously mentioned, babies can't be mean because they don't yet have the ability to empathize/imagine what another person is feeling. Plus, the grabbing toys thing is because they don't "get" ownership yet and don't have the skills and control to wait for something they want.

One thing to think about is that our children are learning constantly through our interactions with the world. By modeling a kind and empathetic response, as well as using gentle guidance to help redirect the other baby, you are showing your child that she *can* negotiate the world and work things out with others.