dh needs to calm down!!!

[mittendrin]

HELP! dh is not so much into gd as i am. not that he's spanking ds, but he barks at him constantly and still slaps his hands every now and then.
what do you do to convince dh that little ones deserve big respect and friendly voices?

[hipumpkins]

Ok My Dh was not raised nealry as gently as my sisiter and I were and he was all ready to be as strict as his parents. I was not! We had a conversation one day in the car about discipline and he mentioned somehting about; every school year he would get into trouble for the same thing and he would get hit for it. My response was:"so getting hit DIDN'T treach you not to do that right?" He realzed he made my point for me and is now more willing to be gentle. Of course my DD is only 14 mos so we haven't had any big discipline issues but there isn't hitting. I even got him to stop saying, "NO" to her by saying, "she isn't a dog" Or sometimes if my DD has somehting that isn't a toy he will tell her she can't have it. I ask him, "why?" He will say b/c it is apen (or whatever) and I say, "So she is learning...let her have it while you are there so she doens't get hurt" He is slowly learing to rethink befiore he automatically says, "no" to somehitng.
Good luck to you!

[phathui5]

It took me pointing out to him that when ds was little he said he didn't want to be one of those parents who yelled all the time. Now when he starts to yell or go overboard, I'll hear him tell ds "I shouldn't yell at you so much, Daddy's going to chill out."

[famousmockngbrd]

You might try the "do unto others" line of reasoning. If your DH were the child, would he want to be treated with respect and kindness or would he want to be slapped and yelled at?

Another thing that helps me remember to be kind to Cole (that sounds bad - I usually actually WANT to be kind to Cole, lol - but for those times that I feel like being less than gentle with him) is to keep in mind that we are all on the same team, as a family. It's not us-the-parents against Cole-the-kid. We all need to help each other and be there for each other, not control each other or punish each other, KWIM?

Here is one more thing - there is an unequal balance of power in a parent - child relationship. You are much bigger and stronger than the child, and you can always "win" by physical force. All this does is teach the child that if you are bigger and stronger than the other person, you can make them do whatever you want. If you model kindness and gentleness, on the other hand, you are giving them much better tools to work with when they have to interact with other people and solve problems on their own.

[LoveBeads]

Well the thing that got me to convince my DH is I told him the following:

"I have spent the better part of the last three years researching gentle discipline. I have attended lectures, read countless parenting websites, read books, talked to friends of mine whom I respect in regard to their parenting technique. I truly believe, after all of this research, that this is the best way to raise a human being.

You have not spent 5 minutes thinking about discipline, you just want to do to our children exactly what was done to you. If you can give me some concrete reasons why this is the better way to go, I'm listening."

He couldn't argue with that. He respects me and knows that I take this parenting thing very seriously.

The other thing that convinced him is that we were talking to a friend who told us that he smacked his god-daughter because she was acting up in a McDonald's and she was going to hurt herself. I pointed out that in order to ensure she wasn't going to hurt herself, he hurt her. For some reason, my DH was very impacted by that and it gave him reason to come over to the gentle side!

[journeymom]

LoveBeads, I like what you said to your husband. I may have to use that with my own dh.

Coincidently last night I started reading "Positive Discipline" by Jane Nelsen, to him. I read to him this description of an authoritarian, strict approach- "'These are the rules by which you must abide, and this is the punishment you will receive for violation of the rules.' Children are not involved in the decision-making process."

He stopped me there and said he wants the kids to understand that life isn't fair, most bosses don't involve you in the decision making process, and just how do you get a 3 y.o. involved in the rules-making process, anyway? So I think that is his big fear, that we're going to turn out spoiled children who think the world owes them a living. I'm in agreement with him there! I don't want to raise children like that!

But I pointed out that of course, parents make all the rules for their littlest children. As they grow they are supposed to involve the kids in more and more decisions. And as far as life being unfair, well, yah, it sure is unfair, and they're going to learn that all too soon. They will be treated unjustly, no doubt. But they don't need to learn that from their parents. They need their parents support and encouragement and unconditional love.

My reading to dh came about precicesly because he and I both have been hollering and barking at dd a lot lately. I KNOW it's wrong to yell at her and feel badly when I do. He thinks he's being firm. I really want him to understand the whole 'respect' and 'dignity' thing. I don't think you give anything away in order to respect them as humans with inate dignity. They are worthy of respect, simply by their existence.

One more thing. These well meaning guys need to "be aware of what works". Punishment does work in that it usually stops misbehavior immediately. But the long range results are negative. They might choose (unconciously) to be resentful ("This is unfair. I can't trust adults.") vengeful ("They're winning now, but I'll get even.") rebellious ("I'll just do the opposite to prove I don't have to do it their way.") or to retreat (by being sneaky ["I won't get caught next time"] or having reduced self-esteem ["I'm a bad person"]). Whew!