SAHPs who are partnered to someone deployed / away when they had the baby?

[EdnaMarie]

My husband is new in the military and cannot be here for the birth. Actually we are separated but married (long, long story) but I feel that as I am SAHMing and his paycheck goes into our joint bank account, this is not really a single-parent issue.

I am going to have my second any day now and my first is 2.5. What did you all (military wives, wives of truckers, wives of people overseas) do? How did you cope? I'm at my mom's but she's not here all the time.

Tips?

[crl]

I haven't been in this situation but wanted to offer support. It sounds tough.

DH was in the Marine Corps when we adopted DS; he was not deployed and was able to come to China for the adoption trip. But he was working 100 hour weeks and we landed at Dulles at 10 pm after traveling for over 24 hours to get home and he was at work at 8am the next morning. So, I have a vague idea of how hard it is to have your partner gone with a new child at home.

I'm afraid I don't have a lot of suggestions. I know my dad "talked" to my brother on tapes when he was in Vietnam and my brother was 18 months or so old. Maybe videotapes of dad reading kids' books and you could play them for both little ones?

I had a bunch of meals in the freezer and that kept us fed for a couple of weeks after we got home from China--I found cooking with a clingy 14 month old really challenging. But maybe your mom will take care of the cooking?

Best of luck to you!
Catherine

[EdnaMarie]

Thanks for posting. My mom can do some cooking and I will ask her but there is only so much room in the freezer and I get sick of eating the same thing every day. The freezer is full right now! But it will only last us so long... I am more worried about child-care. Thanks again...

[phrogger]

Originally Posted by EdnaMarie

Thanks for posting. My mom can do some cooking and I will ask her but there is only so much room in the freezer and I get sick of eating the same thing every day. The freezer is full right now! But it will only last us so long... I am more worried about child-care. Thanks again...

Child care of the older child while you are in labor? If so, call your ombudsman and see if they have anyone who can help out. I know my neighbors are in the FRG (family readiness group) and they have volunteered for childcare etc. for women who's husbands are deployed and they need their limited family with them at the hospital rather then staying home to watch the older child. You can also look into having a doula with you at the hospital and leave your mom home with your older son. If that is what you mean by childcare.

If you mean after the delivery, I would look into the same thing or maybe some drop in care. This is all assuming you are near a base. If not, see if there are people online here who are in your area who could help out.

I am sure it is scary and stressful to be pg and have so many what ifs. Maybe if we had a more specific idea of what you need help with I am sure someone will come up with an idea.

[FiveLittleMonkeys]

Check out http://www.operationspecialdelivery.com/, which is an organization that matches up doulas with wives of deployed service members. They are really wonderful!

[Liquesce]

My first husband was overseas when I had my first, and passed away while I was pregnant with my second, so I've never really had the whole partnered birth experience to compare ...... but it was ok. With my first, I didn't have anything to do but to take care of the baby, so I wound up sleep deprived, but all new parents do regardless of their living situation anyway ... and everything else was just normal. Eat, sleep, change diapers, start over. With my second, I birthed without anyone personal to me with me, but that's ok for me. With my first my mom was there. After my second my mom gave up a bunch of sleep to help me out with adjusting to parenting two, but her health isn't so good so that really couldn't last more than a week or so ... and after that it was still ok. It's hard to explain ... you just sort of do what you need to, know what I mean? Like we can worry ourselves to death but when actually in the moment we just make it work because what else can we do? I don't think there really are any great, universal tips for dealing with it other than just to say don't beat yourself up over compromising where you have to, and if any one moment seems like too much just try to remember that it's going to pass.

[crittersmom]

Like Liquesce sais, you do what you have to do, somehow you adjust.
DH left for deployment when my first was 11 weeks and we had just moved cross country and into an apt the week before he left.I had enough to keep me busy with unpacking,exploring and adjusting to parenthood that the time actually went pretty fast.There were times late at night that I did cry, I'm not gonna lie about that.Dh sent a video of him reading a book snd it was the only TV my son would actually focus on.We went out to the zoo (I had a season pass) and trips to the mall so that DS wouldn't be just used to me.My internet was dialup on a n ancient computer so no playgroups or LLL but I was lucky enough to have a high school friend living in the city.I went to his place once a week to watch TV or a movie and share dinner and since he was gay there were lots of uncles who thought he was perfect. Once a month I drove 6 hours to my inlaws so that I could get a break and DS could see some family.Even though DS was 6 months and starting to get wary around strangers he was all giggles when daddy came home.
When I was 17 weeks with my second DH left for another delpoyment and I had learned by then not to put anything in ink where the military was concerned, have a back up plan and be flexible.It was supposed to be an easy peasy short deployment back two weeks before my due date.During my 8th month the captain annouced they were extending to do an exercise and wouldn't be back until 3 weeks after my due date. Luckily I had listened to my inner self and had hired a doula ( I didn't qualify for a free one until after I had hired this one) and a friend of mine was going to watch my oldest while her DH would drive me to the hospital and my MIL and mom were coming to stay with me.I ended up being forced into an induction a week early and a couple of days earlier than anyone was going to be in town for.My friend still watched my oldest for me and my IL tried to drive down and when I called my buddy from high school he and his then boyfriend and my doula met me at the hospital.My MIL got there later that morning and took over watching DS#1 and then my mother flew in two days later.It all ended up working out.I think no matter how carefully you try to plan though you still end up crying at least once during the new born period because you feel pulled in two directions.
When I had my third DH was supposed to be transfering and no longer useful but there were still monkey wrenches thrown in at the last minute about wether he he was going to be there or notHe ended up being there but had to leave 2 weeks after she was born.Rota virus went through our house that time but DD never got sick even though there was no way I could have kept her from it.
You will adjust, you may cry at least once.Good for you looking into what you can do right now.

[Maluhia]

There is a Military Mamas thread on the FYT area - come join us

[NatureMommy]

Is your husband deployed? or just not living with you? If he is deployed, you can contact Operation Special Delivery (someone already gave the url) to see if there are any volunteer Doulas in your area. Do you live on post? There is a lot of family support on most military bases, although it can very widely for each branch of the Military.

I guess I am not sure what your question is? Are you talking about day to day coping. While the deployed spouse is gone, the parent at home is like any other single parent. Again, building a support system (family, friends, Church, playgroups, La Leche League, etc.) is key. If you toss in the unique stress on a family when a member is in percieved/actual danger, things can get really stressful and understanding is most often found with other families in the same situation.

[EdnaMarie]

Thanks, ladies. I will find the thread in FYT.

My husband just enlisted and he is in BT and will be in AIT until September.

I do not know if I'll qualify for a free doula as my husband gets a pretty good salary from the Army (considering).

He is not deployed and I would hate to take that emotional support away from someone whose husband was overseas, because both DH and I have been to Afghanistan and I know that that is just totally different from him being in training.

It was actually quite hard to take care of a husband and a baby at the same time... like two babies! Or rather, like a baby and a four year old.

Anyway, what I am looking for are just general tips, how did you cope with two crying, etc. I know I will manage because everyone does, right? I think what I will have to do is just get out as much as possible even if everything else is a disaster. Rely more on my relatives, and so on. Luckily I have three relatives nearby who are moms who could take DD1 if necessary. But I don't want to dump her on them when she's in a bad mood or really just needs ME, you know?

NatureMommy, I LOVE your signature.
Crittersmama, thanks for your in-depth post. Some great ideas. Sounds like you have wonderful in-laws. Mine are great too but far, far, far away (24 hrs by plane, yes on the other side of the world, literally).

[NatureMommy]

You might find a sling to be your biggest asset. With a bit of practice, there is very little you can't do with the babe in a sling or other babywearing device. Sweeping the floor, doing laundry, playing trucks and blocks, taking walks, pushing the swing, grocery shopping, working on the computer, reading Cat in the Hat for the sevententh time in a row. Taking care of your house and your family can be much easier with the baby sleeping in the sling.

Oh, yeah...I let my expectations of a clean house (and how long it stays that way) drop way low. LOL

[lisa_nc]

Hi! I had my daughter during the initial invasion of Iraq and I am due now while he's gone for a 14 month deployment. It's not easy, but it's so doable. You just sort of put your head down and do it. I am going to buy a deep freeze make a ton of already portioned out meals starting in June or July. I am planning on doing a couple of big cooking days and then just doubling whatever I am normally making for dinner and freezing the left overs. Other than that, I am not too worried. When people offer to help, take them up on it. Have a list of things to do in your mind so when someone says "Can I help with anything?" you can say "Yeah, I would really appreciate it if you could run a load of laundry" or whatever.

Also, if you feel like you want to know exactly what's available to you, are having issues coping, etc remember that military one source (google it) is a really valuable resource that everyone should be taking advantage of as they need it.