WWYD? Please help

[kristi96]

My DS will be 12 in June. He is a very good kid and very shy. He loves to play games on the internet as well. Well the other day I was helping him download a new game. For some reason I started looking at the internet history. I saw that he googled "girls without bras". I was shocked because he has never even given me the smallest hint that he likes girls at all. Anyways I didn't want to make a big deal about what he did because I always want to have open communication with my kids about sex. So I told him that looking at that kind of stuff wasn't good and can cause our computer to have lots of viruses. I then started to have the "sex" talk with him. Told him he can always come to me with any questions he may have. I let him know that I'm always there if he needs to talk. What would you do if you found this type of stuff on your computer?

[pigpokey]

install an anti-porn filter

[jeliphish]

he can find a lot lot lot more on the computer. I would definitely install parental controls and filters. I think it is absolutely fine that he is interested in this and wanting to see these things but in a simple search of "girls without bras" he can get pictures of things that a 12 year old need not see. I am talking about hardcore sex photos, girls inserting things in their vagina (that are not normal lol), mock rape photos...I mean he has the world of porn on his fingertips and it will change his view of what sex should mean if he chooses to look regularly (which who wouldn't at 12?!! I know I would have! LOL). There are also websites which he will be able to see free porn videos.

[madsommer]

I agree with the other posts. There are lots of filters you can download - some for free. I think it's good that you went on to have that talk. Also, where is the computer located? Perhaps putting it in a more public location would deter future searches?

[Abarat]

Like others said, due to the huge variety of stuff out there and how things can be taken out of context, etc. I'd probably install filters too if I didn't already have them.

I want to be very open with our kids about sex too and hopefully we can have the type of relationship where he'd come to his father or I with any questions or curiosities...we'll see how that goes, he's only 3.

I think the age is normal for that type of exploration...I started earlier than that. LOL I just think it's really important for kids to have someone to go to to express their feelings and get information instead of repressing things and living with the wrong ideas concerning sex....wish I'd felt comfortable talking to someone instead of being terrified by my parents. LOL

[Cygnet09]

Definitely a filter. But what about getting him a book? He's obviously interested and there are many questions that some kids are not comfortable asking an adult, as well as some questions that they can't really verbalize at that age. A good quality book can help. This is one that may be a good choice for you:

It's So Amazing! A Book About Eggs, Sperm, Birth, Babies, and Families: Robie H. Harris.

You might want to check the age range - I think there are two similar books, with one being for much younger kids. Your library may have a copy.

HTH.

[phrogger]

My son is 12 as well and I am beyond brutally honest with him about sex and porn online. We have had the sex talks for many years now and I know he knows a lot more then most kids his age, but I have also told him that if I EVER catch him looking at porn on my computer or any computer in our home he will not only be grounded and not be able to use the computer, but if there is damage to my computer he will have to buy a new one.

Basically, while sex exploration is normal and I probably wouldn't freak so much if he had been caught with a playboy, I DO know the disgusting, vile things online and I will not have that in my home. Also I use my computer often for business, and the last thing I need is my computer to get wiped out because of some virus from a porn site.

We have talked about how sex in porns are NOT real sex. It is manufactured for a profit, it is NOT what is a loving relationship between two people. I tell him that I want him to have the experiences of things being new and scary and exciting all at once and watching this is NOT going to help him at all.

So while I wouldn't embarass him, I would also make it very clear from now on what the expectations are and why. And you can be seen as the mean mom, but that is ok because our kids don't need to be exposed to that stuff.

[coffee.caugh]

filter!

honestly i wouldn't have told him you found anything, that probably embarassed the tar out of him.

[Lisa1970]

My son knows the chances of viruses and has very stern limits on the internet. He is 14.

That said...my dh was explaining to me that no one understands what it is like to be a teen boy, not even a teen boy. He said you spend your entire teen years feeling like a freak or something is wrong with you. All boys this age can think about is sex and they think something is wrong with them. He says it is awful.

So, I have had a lot of sex talks with my son trying to explain that it is normal, it is ok to feel that way. Also, about limits on, ok feelings do not mean ok actions. I have covered and re-covered sooo much...from what it would do to his college years and child support and visitation and legal bills if a girl gets pregnant, to diseases to love and how it can make you feel, to why to save yourself (more reasons than you might think I said) and how normal normal normal it is to feel however he feels. But that even if 90% of the kids are having sex or whatever else they do, there is a price to pay and what it is and on and on and on.

I can go in to more details if you like..but that is the basics of it.

[Ruthla]

I'd also help him locate appropriate websites- like the "normal breast gallery" (anybody have the link?), medical-type sites about sex and the human body, etc.

[Magali]

Originally Posted by coffee.caugh

filter!

honestly i wouldn't have told him you found anything, that probably embarassed the tar out of him.

Absolutely agree.

[Sierra]

There have already been some really great posts. Here is the only thing I have to add:

Originally Posted by kristi96

Told him he can always come to me with any questions he may have. I let him know that I'm always there if he needs to talk.

That's a good thing to tell him, but it seems a bit off point. If a question was the issue, he would have googled the question. To me, it seems likely he was just enjoying himself.

Normal, of course. But the internet can be a dangerous and super intense place, so I can see why setting limits is good.

When we had teens, our computer was always in the living room. It wasn't a private thing.

[Channelle]

Originally Posted by coffee.caugh

filter!

honestly i wouldn't have told him you found anything, that probably embarassed the tar out of him.

It probably did, but it might be a necessary thing to say.

I've had two computers ruined because my brother (when he lived with us) decided check out porn on the internet. Internet porn is RIDDLED with viruses. It's necessary to tell children that it's fine to be interested, but it's not fine to look online, as it's very dangerous (not only to the computer, but he could stumble across something really bad-like child porn or rape porn)

[aua(TM)?lait]

I too would have explained about viruses via the adult sites, and asked him not to do it again. I then might have followed it up with his dad or I picking him out some mags to look at. Why not? I'm going to buy their condoms someday anyway. But we're brutally honest in this household about sex, so luckily, we have the dynamic where the topic could even be brought up. Therefore, although my kids would suffer the minor embarrassment, it's not at all a huge embarrassment. Most boys want to see naked girls. Most girls are curious about naked guys. It's normal and healthy.

[dubfam]

Originally Posted by au♥lait

I too would have explained about viruses via the adult sites, and asked him not to do it again. I then might have followed it up with his dad or I picking him out some mags to look at. Why not? I'm going to buy their condoms someday anyway. But we're brutally honest in this household about sex, so luckily, we have the dynamic where the topic could even be brought up. Therefore, although my kids would suffer the minor embarrassment, it's not at all a huge embarrassment. Most boys want to see naked girls. Most girls are curious about naked guys. It's normal and healthy.

I agree with this. Another thing I was thinking...is there a close family friend (preferably make) that he might feel comfortable talking to?

I also like the idea of finding nude galleries online that show realistic bodies. that is a great idea.

[SunshineJ]

Definitely explain and hound the point about viruses from porn sites - not to mention spyware, etc. As for a filter? eh, my cousin had already gotten past all of them by that age, the kids at his school would sit and swap tales on how to bypass most the ones out there, so while you may want to go on an install them, I wouldn't totally rely on them at all.

[Jojo F.]

Filters yes, then I would also briefly explain there are things out there that are a bit different and may seem wierd to him. And the sites contain viruses. Mainly play it by ear I guess, we have a great realtionship now and I know we will stay close Easier said then done, 6yo seemed to be such a big change for me

[Jessy1019]

I work with porn, and would not filter my kids' internet usage . . . so I will probably just tell the kids to log into one of my work message boards and look at the sites that are linked on there . . . it's a reputable webmasters board, and I've never had any problems looking at sites that were posted there. Considering all the porn I look at for work, I've actually never run across anything that I would be upset at my kids seeing, nor have we had any issues with viruses or other problems.

We don't do "big talks" in our house, so all of this will likely come out through regular conversations when they get older.

[mamazee]

Originally Posted by Cygnet09

Definitely a filter. But what about getting him a book? He's obviously interested and there are many questions that some kids are not comfortable asking an adult, as well as some questions that they can't really verbalize at that age. A good quality book can help. This is one that may be a good choice for you:

It's So Amazing! A Book About Eggs, Sperm, Birth, Babies, and Families: Robie H. Harris.

You might want to check the age range - I think there are two similar books, with one being for much younger kids. Your library may have a copy.

HTH.

It's So Amazing is for 7 and up. At his age, I'd get the related book, It's Perfectly Normal, for 11 and up. It's Not the Stork is the one for very young children. I think 4 and up.

[mommybytheWord]

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I have a 9yr old. Thanks for all the great info... Thoes are challenging times..