Understanding love

[PuppyFluffer]

I was looking at my sleeping dd lastnight and was just overwhelmed with how much I love her.

It occured to me that I never really understood the love that my parents have for me until I bacame a parent myself. It's sort of sad that I went around 34 years of my life nor really grasping how important I was to them.

I think it's a depth that you just can't understand til you have your own child.

Anybody else feel this way?

[Domestic Goddess]

I totally agree with you.

Also, I never realized how much you worry about your kids and how much you want them to be healthy, happy and safe.

After the birth of my first son, it was a real eye opener how much responsibility having a child really is. Their little lives are in your hands.

Bless their little hearts.

[seven_lux]

I know what you mean.

Some nights I am laying there next to my daughter and I'll realise I have been staring at her for 10/20 minutes grinning madly and just feeling giddy with it all.
This is quite amazing since I generally have the concentration span of a flea.

A few weeks after I birthed my baby, I just wanted to tell my mum how sorry I was for ever being a teenager and how disappointing I must have been to her at the time (though I hope she can feel proud of me now).
I kept looking at my baby and just kept thinking, is this really how my mum felt about me?? Does she still feel this way about me?? I am SO SORRY!!

You absolutely can't know until you have your own child...you can think you know, but you don't.

[veganmamma]

I understand what you guys mean, but I'm not sure everyone's parents loved them so much. I know my mom loved/loves me, but I do doubt that it is as intense as my love for dd. So sometimes when I get lost gazing at her, or feel all giddy inside when I give her big hugs, I get sad, because I don't know if my mom truly felt that way about me. i just don't think she is capable of it, yk? SOrry to be such a freaking bummer.
Lauren

[StarMama]

I was just feeling that myself Lauren (sorry for adding to the party pooping). My mom ditched me when I was 8 to marry a creep with a jail record and dumped me at my dad's (who she divorced 5 years prior for being abusive to her and her older children). How much I *love* Orion, I could NEVER ever EVER leave him for a MINUTE with someone who I saw, with my own two eyes, *choking* and punching my older son for slamming the screen door.

I love him so much I want to cry just looking at his beautiful face sometimes.

[seven_lux]

Mmm...well good points actually.

My mum has done many things over my life which would indicate she does or has not felt as intensely over her own children as I do, I guess I do want to give her the benefit of the doubt though. Especially as a baby you know?

[Viola]

Re: Understanding love

Originally posted by PuppyFluffer
I think it's a depth that you just can't understand til you have your own child.

Anybody else feel this way?

I know what you mean, but I remember as a child I loved my mom so much and was so afraid something would happen to her. I would have nightmares about it. It didn't help that she went around saying things like, "You kids won't be happy until you've killed me off." I know that whole "you'll be the death of me" series was common at one point, but I guess I took it to heart. So I do remember one point where my parents were my whole world and I would have been devastated to lose them.

Now I just love my children so much and they are my whole world, and I think about how I feel about my mom and it makes me sad. I love my mom, of course, but she exasperates me plenty of times and she is not easy to get along with so we, her children, don't have the depth of feeling for her that she wants us to have. I stopped adoring my mom a long time ago. I still loved her because I realized that she was a human being and subject to mistakes, but it's hard when your parents can't act maturely and admit that they aren't always right. You just kind of turn away. I know it's good for children to grow up, become independent and have their own lives, but I'm wondering if my own children will feel the same way about me as I do about my own mom, and thinking of that makes me sad.

And I wonder when I'm my mom's age if I will act like her, or not. I already see signs of it.

The funny thing is now I understand how my mom could be so angry and frustrated at us because I get angry and frustrated at my daughter. I actually told her that not too long ago.

[tnrsmom]

Moving this to Parenting Issues.

[wwhippetcrazy]

I totally relate to what everyone has said....
I didn't understand my parents at all until I had my own kids. I know now how much they loved us. I don't remember alot of my childhood though, as my youngest brother was born at early and has/had a whole list of health problems. So Mom "left" us to be with him in the hospital.....he's "special needs" now, although you wouldn't know it to see him. Needless to say, I had alot of unresolved issues for Mom leaving us....but after having my own kids...I can totally see how hard this must have been for her....she had to be there for her baby....and it must have torn her apart to be away from the other 3 of us.

That being said.....I love my mom completely....but there is something that still bothers me about her leaving us....perhaps because she has basically done it again (long story) in the last two years...and while separating from my Dad had basically abandoned us again...while I was preggo with Dd.....when I felt I needed her the most. So I do wonder if her love for me is the same as the love I feel for Dd and Ds....I could never ever imagine not being there for them, no matter what. I guess what I'm getting at is that I love her, I understand her more, but I don't really respect her completely. Atleast not for the things she's has done in the last couple years. And I guess cause she just can't move past it all....a big ol' chip on her shoulder. Not that I blame her, but at the same time I do....

I think alot of it also has to do with the fact that she seemed more connected to my youngest two brothers (7 and 9 years younger then me), she co-slept with them, nursed them and was much more "involved" then I remember her being with me and my other brother.....
But I guess if nothing else it has helped me to be more connected with both my kids....I want that connection, I want them to love me as much as I love them....I want them to be able to come to me with anything and everything that they need, but above all else I want them to repect me and the decisions Ive made.

Jen

SOrry to ramble.... Ds is teething and I didn't get much sleep last night (again : )

[babybugmama]

I understand exactly that intensity of love. Dh wrote a letter to dd for Christmas describing the feeling and I just broke down at how eloquently he put to words exactly what I was experiencing. Like some of the posters, when it really hit me the intensity of what I was feeling (dd was only about 6wks old and i was gently dancing with her), I started sobbing because I realized that my own mother never felt this emotion. For the first time instead of hurting for myself and the lack, I hurt for her. I grieved for her loss. For the fact that she will never ever feel this bond, this intense, all consuming love. My relationship with her is different now. I still love her with walls (I have to protect myself), but I accept her more as who she is; limited as that may be.

I think it is extremely hard when our parents are *different* with sibs. Mine was definitely like that. My older (oldest) sister was the golden child. My mom emotionally abandoned soon as she was 18, I was 11. Regardless of the why, whether it be because of a special needs sibling, or a lack of their own, it still hurts. Hurt is hurt, it doesn't always understand the why. I hope I'm making sense.

But, here's where I don't think I'm party pooping - I get to show my dd what it means to love unconditionally. I can give her something that I never had and that is priceless.

[PuppyFluffer]

I know that many of us did not have the relationships we would have wanted with our parents. Some people are able to achieve it over years or at least come to an understanding of why our parents were the way they were when we were small children. Some parents never get it together to be loving and that is beyond sad.

I have alot of issues with my mother but knowing that she loves me is not one of them. Knowing that she is a very infantile person and escapes reality and responsibility by acting childlike is annoying beyond words! Knowing that I cannot rely on her in a motherly way to give me advice or help on situations that might arrise where I'd like an elder's insight is sad and an emptiness that I get angry about. But we all have to come to terms with our parents shortcomings. I am blessed in the fact that my parents really do love their children.

I guess what I wanted to touch on in my original post is the depth of love that I felt when I first looked at our newborn baby. She is now 19 months old and that love has only grown to touch me in places that I didn't know I had. I think only the love of a child by it's parents has the capacity to reach that.

I hope that every mother feels that for her baby. Even if she cannot manage to raise that child into adulthood in a loving healthy manner.

[Piglet68]

Karen, I know exactly what you mean. I, too, lay there at night gazing at my sleeping DD's face and it almost hurts how much I love her. I have never felt such an intense emotion in my life. It's beautiful and overwhelming. Parenting is like falling in love, but that cloud nine feeling never goes away. I just feel so much...wonder...at how much that precious little face can move me. It's indescribable, isn't it?

[noodle4u]

and here I was thinking I was some kind of overemotional freak: . LOL. Its so overwhelming sometimes, I look at my daughter and feel the love through my whole body and Im grinning like an idiot and then the tears start welling up, and I have to reach out and stroke her face

[wwhippetcrazy]

Puppyfluffer~~sorry if I took the topic in that direction, I tend to ramble. I do understand what you mean too..... it's unbelievable how much I love Dd and Ds....I never thought it was possible....and also hope that every mother gets to experience that feeling!

I have alot of issues with my mother but knowing that she loves me is not one of them. Knowing that she is a very infantile person and escapes reality and responsibility by acting childlike is annoying beyond words! Knowing that I cannot rely on her in a motherly way to give me advice or help on situations that might arrise where I'd like an elder's insight is sad and an emptiness that I get angry about. But we all have to come to terms with our parents shortcomings. I am blessed in the fact that my parents really do love their children.

That is exactly what I was trying to get at......it was only since I was preggo with Dd that she's been like this...and it's hard to take....but I know she loves me and all of us. And at times I am able to get advice, but not always....and not when I felt I needed her most.

Babybugmama~~That is soo awesome that your hubby wrote a letter for you Dd....I write one twice a year for both my babes, and my hubby. Usually at their birthday and then at the end of the year.

For the first time instead of hurting for myself and the lack, I hurt for her. I grieved for her loss. For the fact that she will never ever feel this bond, this intense, all consuming love. My relationship with her is different now. I still love her with walls (I have to protect myself), but I accept her more as who she is; limited as that may be.

I'm trying to get here; the acceptance part especially. At times I'm able to hurt for her and what she must have went through, but it's not always easy, that child in me grieves that....but like BAbybugmama said...I can give my babes that love.

Rambling again sorry

Jen

[Bearsmama]

It's just overwhelming, isn't it? There are no words for the love I have for my son. His shear beauty overwhelms me several times a day. I feel a desperate need to be close to him when I've been away for even an hour. Never knew the depth, the complexity & the purity (I know it seems like these are incongrous things, but I really feel this way). It's PURE and complex all at once. So many layers, so deep, and yet so simple.

Ahhh, what a nice thread.

[Friendlymama]

Know what you mean.

Having a child has made me realize how selfishly I love others - even my DH. I love him dearly, but I draw more boundaries.

I just can't imagine a more powerful love than parent/child love. And to think less than two years ago, I had never experienced it.

[TurboClaudia]

I'm not a parent yet -- our baby will probably be born just before summer this year -- and although I would describe myself as an emotional person, my bonding with this baby has not yet reached a level equivalent or greater than any previous emotional reactions I've had.

So my first reaction to these posts is that although I think parenting more often elicits a deep emotional response such as those many of you describe, I don't think a parent's love for their child is the only thing that can generate that deep a feeling. For me, reacting deeply to an event or individual or etc. is innate. I have had many experiences in my life that I would describe as whole body feelings, some of them originating from love, some from peace, some from contentment, some from sadness.

I know many of you will want to say "just wait until you have your baby in your arms", but I truly know that for myself, although birthing our baby will be the single most pivotal moment in my life, the depth of my feeling for our baby will be on par with my other emotional experiences.

warmly,
claudia
mama-to-be in late spring 2004!

[StarMama]

Yes Claudia, I've had feeling as *intense* as my love for Orion (when my parents died, newly falling in love, mind bending fear when my dad got drunk-mad, the happiness on the day of my wedding, ect). However (at least for me) those feelings diminish/level off/mellow out over time, where as the intensity of my love for Orion has only grown (I know he's young yet). That's where its a big difference, at least to me. Its like the emotions of a major live changing event all the time. The emotion is always *new*, if that makes sence...

Congrats on your pregnancy!

[kofduke]

I completely relate. Not only has having my own child made me understand how much my parents love me, it's helped me understand how much I am worth -- after all, if I am loved as much as I love Aaron (which I know I am), I must be a valuable, loveable person.