How to stop the gift giving??? - Page 3

[Learning_Mum]

I haven't read the whole thread so I hope I'm not repeating here.

My family will often ask what the kids would like, which makes life easier.

Other times however, I have rung family and said 'I was just thinking, if you wanted to get DS a present for his birthday, he is really into XYZ at the moment, and I just saw it on special at ABC! I thought it might be a good idea for you?'.

It's not tactful, but then they're family. They are going to buy the kids presents and I'd rather direct them to something the kids are going to like and use. I would never say it to friends, but definitely family.

Also, I agree with getting one big thing. If one person asks what DS might want, I would say 'Well, they would love a wooden table and chairs! Maybe you could ask other family and see if they'd like to chip in! That would be fantastic! We'd never be able to afford it!'

My advice. Talk to them in advance. Say you were wondering if they'd gotten the kids anything, and if they'd like some ideas. Tell them that they saw ABC and are so deperate to have it. Or that they really love pretending to horse ride and how they'd just lurve lessons!

ETA: Also drop into conversation close to the holiday how you saw XYZ and you just know the kids would love it, but it's so expensive and how much you wish you could get it for them.

I think if you steer them towards one big present, that is more expensive, they're less likely to get all the little things that fall apart or get trashed in half an hour.

[70toes]

We have tried everything, too, and so this was our spiel this year... and it worked!... :

"We are so glad that you love the kids so much and we know it's hard not to buy things, but we want them to appreciate the holidays for the memories that are made and the time shared with family, not gifts. This year, there is a limit. We would really appreciate if you could make something for each of the kids because they appreciate that so much. If you can't or don't have time, there is a one gift, $30 limit rule. Anything else you buy is staying at your house. We won't be able to budge on this because it is very important to us. If you don't comply, next year we'll have no gifts."

Surprisingly enough, they got homemade fleece blankets from an aunt, banners for their rooms from my stampaholic sister, and of the things that were bought, most of them were useful like new shoes. I think it takes awhile, but you earn people's respect. After a long enough period of time, people have seen that we're serious about what we say, this is not a phase! And we're doing a good job with our kids, so people want to support that.

[~pi]

Originally Posted by meetoo

have like 4 more kids.

:

In all seriousness, we have had this problem. Until last month, my DS was the only grandchild on both sides, so there has been a lot of focus on him. Some relatives are better than others; one is really overwhelming in this way. (We had the same problem with this relative even before we had children, but a grandchild really sent this person around the bend.)

We have dealt with it with a multi-pronged approach:

1. Leave gifts at relatives' houses. We have a small house with little storage space. We also have a small car. It only took a couple of holidays of leaving gifts there ("You know, this is really too big for us to store -- we'll leave it here and he'll have all sorts of special toys when he visits.") We have even gone so far as to bring gifts that were presented to us at our house back to the givers' house and left them there, with the same reasoning.

2. Emphasize the value of moderation for the child. We have told relatives things like, "It is important to us not to set DS up to expect excess all the time. It isn't good for him, and won't lead to long-term happiness. We think it's so much better for him to have fewer things and leave him some space to feel gratitude and really enjoy the gifts he gets rather than feeling overwhelmed by quantity." Basically, we appeal to their parenting instincts.

3. Talk about our feelings about consumerism. I've had conversations with our relatives about how we all feel about consumption-based lifestyles, what the real effects are of buying so much stuff, what effects this might have on the world in which DS will live as an adult, and how we approach this as parents. We forgo buying him things that we would like to buy him, too, and I think that helps them to understand that we are serious about it.

4. Keep it in perspective. All of our relatives are truly well-meaning. They are lovely, generous people who adore DS, and that is a beautiful thing to see. In the realm of problems to have, this is not such a bad one.

[snoopy5386]

I am reading this thread with great interest and it is so interesting to see how different people have approached their families. You all must have normal families. So many of these suggestions, ie - consumerism approach, limits on gifts, homemade gifts these suggestions would be met one of two ways by our families - 1. we would be laughed at, right in our faces. 2. relatives involved would get very angry, laugh at us behind our backs, not speak to each other for several months. Both would have the same end result - the same amount of gifts being bought, possibly more just to spite us. Asking for stuff to be stored at their homes would be met with "we don't have room for this here". If we left the stuff there, they would bring it here next time they visited.
Our families aren't toxic, but have many issues. The gift issue is a huge one, but it is not worth cutting everyone off. It is a cumlative effect of 4 grandparents who go overboard and then a large extended family/circle of friends who buy gifts for DD. I think we had in the neighborhood of 15 people buy gifts for DD for christmas. Most of those people bought her between 1 and 3 gifts, the grandparents ranged from between 10-25 gifts plus stockings each. It is wonderful to have so many people love DD, but the gifts are just overwhelming.
I try to combat it by not buying her too much stuff ourselves for the holidays, making the holidays about more than just "stuff" - we have lots of family traditions that I hope DD will remember as she grows as opposed to just remembering the "stuff" she got. Charity - giving to others, this will come more into play as she gets older.

[ErinBird]

We give DD less in anticipation of family going overboard. I also try to direct their energy toward experiences (memberships to local museums and zoos) and expendables (art supplies). I also talk up big ticket items we wish to add to our collection- For DD's birthday we bought a lovely wooden dollhouse and my family (over) filled it with the same brand of furniture. Its way more then DD can handle, so I have packed away a lot of the stuff to be reintroducing at a later date.

[proudmomof4]

It seems like you have to decide what is more important to you as parents - to "fit in" with your extended family or to stand up for your "less is more" policy.
In our case it's a compromise, my husband is definitely more of a gift-giver than I am - but then, maybe I'm scrooge? Or I just show love in a "different language" as one of the PP explained.
I still feel that even if you have an unusual agreement about gifts this should be respected.

"my mil lives down the street, has an insane shopping problem, and is kind of sick in the pack rat dept. (every room of her house, and one 20ft by 20ft storage unit, are FULL of crap! i mean sickness here...) she has somehow transferred these problems over to our house. she brings crap, toys, candy, food, home decor crap, all kinds of crap over and just leaves it there. i recently did a declutter/spring clean with my bf to prepare for a garage sale (after which everything is given away and then whatevers left is given to charity) and i had boxes and boxes of stuff along side our "stuff to get rid of" that was just "stuff mil left at our house and does she want this back or what the eff do we do this crap?" it never stops. it just feels like she's bombarding our lives with her disease!" (VeezieTG)

Well, I think this is a serious case of the clutter bug, and it is simply unfair to push all that "stuff" on you, whether in the form of gifts or whatever. In this case, it might be easier to live with sort of a chilly MIL for some time than to tend to all that accumulated junk in her very own and personal storage unit (aka your home!).

[KLM99]

Originally Posted by Whistler

It sounds like your "Love Language" is Quality Time. Mine is too. I would much prefer to spend time with people than to give and receive gifts. But after reading the book, I have come to realize that "my way" isn't necessarily the "right way" KWIM?

According to the book, there are five ways people express love:

1. Quality Time
2. Words of Affirmation
3. Physical Touch
4. Gifts
5. Acts of Service

Once I realized that others feel MORE loved if you observe them and show them love in THEIR language, it made me appreciate a lot more the diversity between people and less apt to require that everyone do it "my way". It make me much more tolerant of my Mom's gift-giving and also reminds me to give her a little gift once in a while as well as trying to spend time with her, which ends up being more meaningful to me than it does to her.

While I certainly don't want to hurt anyone's feelings and I understand that some people show love by giving gifts and I suppose that's fine if those people need to give to love (I don't want to change anyone else), it's still not a way of loving that I want my child to learn is a valid or the best way of loving. It's saying that if hard times hit, then you can't show love anymore. It's saying that if someone is wealthier, then they can show better love. I really want to emphasize the other ways of showing love and minimize the gift-giving way of love.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by KLM99

While I certainly don't want to hurt anyone's feelings and I understand that some people show love by giving gifts and I suppose that's fine if those people need to give to love (I don't want to change anyone else), it's still not a way of loving that I want my child to learn is a valid or the best way of loving. It's saying that if hard times hit, then you can't show love anymore. It's saying that if someone is wealthier, then they can show better love. I really want to emphasize the other ways of showing love and minimize the gift-giving way of love.

I show love with gifts (other things, too, but definitely gifts). That doesn't mean that more expensive gifts are "better" love. It doesn't mean that when hard times hit, I can't show love. It's not that at all (although I'm sure our uber-consumer culture skews it that way, in many cases).

My sister once bought everyone in the family a cardboard bookmark for Christmas. They cost her...think it was $0.49/each. We all loved them, because she went through the whole huge rack of them, and found just the right one for each of us ("get your nose out of my book" for me - the bookworm, "gone fishing" for our brother - who competed in salmon derbies, etc.). We all appreciated them, not because she spent a bunch of money, but because she'd obviously really thought about what to get us.

Anyway, I know this doesn't bear directly on your problem, but having "gifts" as a love language doesn't have to mean that the person who spends more, loves more.

My mom recently used up some scraps from when she used to do rug-hooking, in order to make a small area rug for dd's dollhouse. That will be her birthday present this year. Mom didn't spend much, if anything...and I think it's an amazing gift, and it definitely shows how much she loves dd - time, thought, and effort to give dd something.

On the flipside, we have a friend who has given me Swarovski crystal figurines for Christmas every year for...about 10 years, I guess? I collect them, and many of them have been beautiful, but they haven't been special, yk? They don't show any more love than the bookmark, or the rug, or the earrings mom bought me that looked as much like an old favourite pair of mine as she could find. (Okay - she gave me a crystal 4-leaf clover after my second miscarriage - that was special.)

Anyway...didn't mean to ramble, but there really isn't anything wrong with expressing love with gifts. It's the competitive, consumeristic "I love you more because I spend more money on you" thing that really becomes problematic, imo.

[KLM99]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

I show love with gifts (other things, too, but definitely gifts). That doesn't mean that more expensive gifts are "better" love. It doesn't mean that when hard times hit, I can't show love. It's not that at all (although I'm sure our uber-consumer culture skews it that way, in many cases).

My sister once bought everyone in the family a cardboard bookmark for Christmas. They cost her...think it was $0.49/each. We all loved them, because she went through the whole huge rack of them, and found just the right one for each of us ("get your nose out of my book" for me - the bookworm, "gone fishing" for our brother - who competed in salmon derbies, etc.). We all appreciated them, not because she spent a bunch of money, but because she'd obviously really thought about what to get us.

Anyway, I know this doesn't bear directly on your problem, but having "gifts" as a love language doesn't have to mean that the person who spends more, loves more.

My mom recently used up some scraps from when she used to do rug-hooking, in order to make a small area rug for dd's dollhouse. That will be her birthday present this year. Mom didn't spend much, if anything...and I think it's an amazing gift, and it definitely shows how much she loves dd - time, thought, and effort to give dd something.

On the flipside, we have a friend who has given me Swarovski crystal figurines for Christmas every year for...about 10 years, I guess? I collect them, and many of them have been beautiful, but they haven't been special, yk? They don't show any more love than the bookmark, or the rug, or the earrings mom bought me that looked as much like an old favourite pair of mine as she could find. (Okay - she gave me a crystal 4-leaf clover after my second miscarriage - that was special.)

Anyway...didn't mean to ramble, but there really isn't anything wrong with expressing love with gifts. It's the competitive, consumeristic "I love you more because I spend more money on you" thing that really becomes problematic, imo.

Thanks Storm Bride - your family sounds great! Unfortunately, we don't have anyone in our family who would actually *make* something. They're all just junky things that don't have much thought behind them at all. I guess that's why I'm so negative on gift-giving. Also, it seems like if you're making something or really searching for the right thing, you're also giving your time and not just a gift - which fits into my giving time as love preference anyway. Eh, who knows. We just dropped a whole bunch of stuff off at the donation center and I really do enjoy doing that. So maybe it's not such a bad problem after all.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by KLM99

Thanks Storm Bride - your family sounds great! Unfortunately, we don't have anyone in our family who would actually *make* something. They're all just junky things that don't have much thought behind them at all. I guess that's why I'm so negative on gift-giving. Also, it seems like if you're making something or really searching for the right thing, you're also giving your time and not just a gift - which fits into my giving time as love preference anyway. Eh, who knows. We just dropped a whole bunch of stuff off at the donation center and I really do enjoy doing that. So maybe it's not such a bad problem after all.

I'm glad you can turn it around into a positive (the donations). I'd have trouble doing that, just because I have trouble getting organized enough.

Yeah - I guess that's true. I see gifts as being a time thing, as well as a thought thing...not so much a material thing. If the gifts you're getting are all just "hey - that's on sale" stuff, then it's a lot different.

[olliepop]

This Easter we decided not to get anything for our children b/c they didn't really NEED anything and b/c we knew that my MIL would get them plenty.

We were actually pleasantly surprised that she didn't go overboard this year and that she listened to our "concerns" from the previous year and didn't get them loads of candy and crap toys. She did an egg hunt in the house, filled the eggs with coins and got them each a coin bank. She also got my dd a few dresses and ds a couple of t-shirts and ankle socks. Oh and coloring books. It wasn't overkill and they were things that they will use.

[Black Orchid]

The fight isn't worth it. I let people give them things and I buy fewer, higher quality. In the end (usually) my stuff wins out or lasts longer and the other stuff is given away or thrown away if it broken and unfixable.

This Easter I was OVERWHELMED by the three extra baskets the girls received from my parents, my brother and aunt. Today I was able to weed thru it and consolidate the candy and dispose of most of the little junk toys.

[alwayshappy]

Originally Posted by leosmommy

We prevent this problem in a variety of ways.

1: We stay home for any holiday.

2: If gifts are inappropriate (for any reason we see fit) they do not come home with us, they will stay at the gift giver's house.

3: We create wish lists and are very specific about what goes on them.

4: We just don't allow others to control how we parent. For example...If we say books with cribs, formula feeding, pacifiers, etc. are not allowed in our home, then they aren't allowed. Not if it's great grandma X who gets the book or a distant cousin. Our rules are our rules for a reason and we stick to them.

5: We make our choices known before the fact. We let everyone know WELL in advance things like how we don't do Santa, or the Easter Bunny, we don't do candy, we don't do light up toys, or anything with batteries or that plugs in, we don't do plastic...if someone ignores our rules then we can't be blamed since we put out the memo far in advance.

6: For birthdays each child gets one gift from us, that they are allowed to pick out (within reason). Other gifts are per invitation and must adhere to our guidelines. In the past year our family is getting pretty understanding...we want to parent a little differently than everyone else, but our child is happy and healthy for it. Our friends have always gotten it because we are only friends with those who parent similarly to us. We always do one gift at a time, and it isn't a race to open every present, you savor each one for what it is.

I'd rather have upset someone else than ruined our time together as a family.

wow! I have to come our of lurkdom for this post ....

I wholly thought and encourage in my kids that being children is the best time of your lives. No Santa?? No Easter Bunny? No light up toys?? No books with cribs ?? I know people who've been brought up like this and watch out when they rebel because they want to be a little more like the rest of the world!

My kids are respectful, understand materialism and when we get too many gifts we take a load in a big bag and donate to the Save the Children shop to distribute to less fortunate kids.

I see from your profile you are only 22, I think when you mature a little bit with your kids you will understand more about how much it means to spend holidays with others, accept gifts graciously and give your kids more freedom because right now ..... you're waaaaay over the top.

and I speak as an EXPERIENCED mother of multiple kids.

If you're not into all the gifts, be nice, accept them and then quietly take them down to the charity store if you really feel so badly against them. Although quite how a book containing bottle feeding or a crib would be something you wouldnt want your child to see amazes me. Children should be exposed to alternative and different ways of doing things, different types of people, etc etc so they are full of knowledge and information ...... if not then they're just brainwashed.

[sweet tomato]

I've not read through all the posts, as they're are quite a few and I'm time limited. We too were in the same situation. We really wanted our kids to value people's relationships and not the presents they give. We didn't / don't want our kids to be materialistic... Etc, etc. In my search for solution(s), I came across this web site: http://www.birthdayswithoutpressure.org/gifts.html
Of course, we have applied the information to not just birthdays, but also holidays. They have FANTASTIC ideas and they work! Our oldest daughter is going to be four in June and our youngest daughter is going to be two in June. The first birthday we had for our first was a simple party, but the gifts were incredible! Like you, I don't want to sound ungrateful. I realize completely people are giving from their heart and I value that. On the other hand, we simply don't need the STUFF that she got. We decided for her second birthday, we were going to do things differently. In our invitation, we requested no presents to be given. After this statement, in parenthesis we said (seriously). We made our own invitations, which had your usual stuff:
Time________
Day___________
Location_______
Then we added another line that said 'what to bring', followed with 'A nice smile and a big birthday hug'
We also put in the invitation that if folks felt they absolutely wanted to give something, they could make a donation to our local zoo in the girls name. Or they could bring some items that the zoo needs and we supplied a list of things the zoo needed in each invitation.
When we sent it out, our friends and most relatives were cool about it, although they didn't get it even after we explained why we made the change. With the exception of our most interesting sister in law, who threw a fit! She very much is the type that thinks you show love by giving 'things' and said if she couldn't give gifts to our kids then she shouldn't accept gifts from us for her kids and she didn't like that idea. So, we said that each family that's our relative can give ONE gift to each of the girls. That has made all of us happy. It's still a simple and yet the girls get some WOW on their birthday. It also works for us, as we don't have a large family! We have four families with all our relatives put together...
At the birthday party last year, everyone who came that was a friend just brought a card. Two people made a donation to the zoo. And another brought a gift anyway. When she did so, I pulled her aside and commented on the gift ('I noticed you brought a gift..'). She said she bought it for the girls a while back, before receiving the invitation that stated no gifts. Very gently, I explained that my fear was if we accepted the gift this year, she would bring another next year and we're very serious about no gifts. She said she promised she wouldn't and didn't seem offended at all. We accepted the gift. Everyone else was very respectful. It was nice because the party wasn't focused around gifts and getting.
HTH
Sweeeeet Tomato

[olliepop]

5: We make our choices known before the fact. We let everyone know WELL in advance things like how we don't do Santa, or the Easter Bunny, we don't do candy, we don't do light up toys, or anything with batteries or that plugs in, we don't do plastic...if someone ignores our rules then we can't be blamed since we put out the memo far in advance.

Did you mean a literal memo? If so, what was it like? I've voiced concerns to family members, but it was more like an informal conversation, no where near holiday or birthday time.
My dh's cousin sent out a mass email shortly after her son was born and in detail stated what they would accept (diapers) and would not accept (stuffed toys). She added diaper sizes and asked everyone to email or call her first to see what size her son was currently in or would be in soon to ensure he would get too many of one size. She was also very specific about the type of toys she wanted for him. Although I get where she's coming from, (my son currently has four of the same size jeans) I don't think I would feel comfortable sending out an email like that. The email was not well received and many people were offended by it.

Anyway, I'm curious about your memo and how it was received.

[bluedaisy]

I'm responding so i can subscribe...my dd is only 4 months and my family goes crazy with gifts...these are some good ideas, keep em coming!

[GuildJenn]

My rule is, we accept everything in the spirit in which it was intended. If given the opportunity (which surprisingly, we often are) then we share that we're drowning in dinky cars or whatever.

Then we only keep what we love. When asked about it, I will say things like "Oh it was so lovely and we passed it on to someone else who loves it."

With my son that does get tricky, because he's at an age where he very naturally wants to collect things and keep everything. But in my opinion, that's where the parenting job comes in. I don't expect everyone to do it for me.

For me yes, sure, materialism is a big force and learning to withstand that as a person/consumer is important. But I personally believe that what insulates us from the evils of the world is our connections with others, and part of that is to be graceful and caring of those around us, even if they are not behaving exactly the way we would like them to. I think it's rude to tell people that they have to bring a gift, or that they cannot bring a gift. However, once it's given, it's mine to pass on or not.

[KLM99]

Originally Posted by alwayshappy

wow! I have to come our of lurkdom for this post ....

I wholly thought and encourage in my kids that being children is the best time of your lives. No Santa?? No Easter Bunny? No light up toys?? No books with cribs ?? I know people who've been brought up like this and watch out when they rebel because they want to be a little more like the rest of the world!

My kids are respectful, understand materialism and when we get too many gifts we take a load in a big bag and donate to the Save the Children shop to distribute to less fortunate kids.

I see from your profile you are only 22, I think when you mature a little bit with your kids you will understand more about how much it means to spend holidays with others, accept gifts graciously and give your kids more freedom because right now ..... you're waaaaay over the top.

and I speak as an EXPERIENCED mother of multiple kids.

Wow, are you trying to cause trouble? It's one thing to disagree with parenting choices and incite a lively debate, but quite another to imply that a someone is wrong because they are "only" 22 and that eventually they will come around to the "right" way of doing things - your way. I bet a lot of young moms would be really inflamed by your post implying that they can't possible know the correct way to parent. I also bet there are a lot of "EXPERIENCED" moms with "multiple kids" who 100% agree with the way in which Leosmommy chooses to run her house. Let's keep it civil.

[alwayshappy]

Originally Posted by KLM99

Wow, are you trying to cause trouble? It's one thing to disagree with parenting choices and incite a lively debate, but quite another to imply that a someone is wrong because they are "only" 22 and that eventually they will come around to the "right" way of doing things - your way. I bet a lot of young moms would be really inflamed by your post implying that they can't possible know the correct way to parent. I also bet there are a lot of "EXPERIENCED" moms with "multiple kids" who 100% agree with the way in which Leosmommy chooses to run her house. Let's keep it civil.

with age generally comes the maturity to understand that life is about compromises. Dealing with people is about compromise. When you have more than one child you learn about compromise. Leosmummys post shows as yet she hasnt accepted that reality.

Being rude to people because they've given gifts, or setting and dictating rules in a rude way, which I would say this was, is not acceptable behavious to anybody just to enforce your own preferences.

As many others on this thread have said they feel the same way but they go about how to approach it VERY differently and have respect for those they inform and don't take offense if they don't follow it to the letter.

Everyone has their beliefs and path they follow to raise their children, but as with all the other posters its done with respect and compromise to others .... thats the difference. Keep behaving like that and thats why people end up with no friends or family members around them.

Its not being argumentative - its being realistic and accepting that you have to accept what others do into your lives.

[A&A]

The recession has been the only thing that has stemmed the tide of gifts my kids receive.