"i am. in repair...i'm in repair...i'm not together...but i'm getting there..." -john mayer
its me, db...now br.
: cuz that is what i am. i am doubly blessed too but i like boat rocker better for these times.............
ay...yi...yi...sorry mamas...i've been MIA. ok. my list. hold onto your seats...there is a lot here. i've put the positive and negative ones that i feel i got mostly as a child:
from p. 32 exercise... WHAT DO YOU HOPE TO GIVE AND NOT GIVE TO YOUR CHILDREN???
__________________________________________________ __________
WHAT I WANT:
consistency
unconditional love
genuity
creativity/uninhibited creative expressionsafety/security emotionally, physically, spirituallynurturancefun, joy, play
empowerment
choice
comfort
kindness
respect
self-esteem
assertivenesssense/knowing they belong
friendship
healthy bodies, minds, spirits
lots of time in/with nature & like-hearted people
a love for animals
music
healthy self image
adoration
acceptance
patience
healthy habits
hobbies
affection
living 'right livelihood'
humble
healthy boundaries/vulnerability
trustcompassion
to be for peace
freedom
autonomy
personal growth
self acceptance
diversity embracedWHAT I DON'T WANT FOR MY CHILDRENabandonment
invalidation
lots of "dads"
abuse: verbal/emotinal-yelling, threatening, insulting, bullying, punishing, shaming... physical harm-hitting, nail digging, pushing, grabbing... sexual molestation/abuse, love addiction/promiscuitycriticism
apathy
avoidance
dysfunctional relationships/relating
fear/anxiety
pretentiousness
inconsistency
conditional love
sadness/sorrow/depression
moodiness
spitefulness
conflict
too much change
sedentary bodies/minds/spirits
lots of exposure to media
'boxed in' education
self hatred/self sabotage/self loathing
suicidal
reclusive
alientating
substance abuse/chemical dependency
vengeance/spitefulness
rudeness
isolation/loneliness
self righteousness
anger/rage
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MY OBSERVATION:
a lot of the 'nurturance' i got as a child was inconsistent. i am also starting to believe a lot of it was just an illusion reason being is i was surrounded by a lot of drug and alcohol use...i often was around a lot of adults while my parents 'partied'...
i felt very alone and confused...so it was hard to highlight the positives (nurture list) as they were not a consistent thing-thus, neither was the 'hurt' side. my mom and 'many dads' parenting style was all basically inconsistent which made if very very confusing for me...i was often told by my mom how special and loved i was...that we were survivors...that i was my mom's everything, basically. yet when i was 2 years old my mom told me to not call her mommy anymore but to call her by her name since she was not only my mother but my friend... i grew up calling her 'nanny' (her name is nan/nancy). not sure if i called my father 'dad/daddy' as he wasn't in my life from when i was age 4-16...but i called my step dad by his first name growing up from 7-17. bizarre. a few times in my childhood i wrote in the inside cover of some of my storybooks "TO LISBETH, LOVE, MOM AND DAD" i obviously was craving this...to just be able to be the child instead of a friend or a buddy or this special being somehow above all other children. it wasn't just 'special' in my mom's eyes...it was like she said it in a way that i was superior in my special-ness to all people. i often find myself acting as if i'm entitled in life... (yes, i'm an only "child") i sought out a lot of my unmet needs thru sleeping around/serial monogamy starting when i was 14... so sad.
& other dysfunctional/emotionally & physically/developmentally damaging behaviors. i was seeking love and affection. adoration.
in my art therapy group last week i realized a lot of that peace, joy and love i experienced as a child was possibly an illusion. those people were addicts. they were under the influence of a lot of substances and workaholism and stress and such. totally contradicting their beliefs about life and living... my mom was a hippie...i think she is at heart...yet she is uptight and avoidant and puts a ton of makeup on now and a ton of haircolor and wears those one piece body suits/underwear every day. she is a workaholic and phobic/paranoid about illness, money, safety/hazards... it is still very confusing for me. i live w/ her (w/ my kids) and i am not so sure this is a healthy place for us...being around her so much. it triggers me and my daughter is frustrated and confused as i alwyas have been by my moms inconsistency and contradictions...
what i realized in art therapy is at the very end, all of a sudden that song "strawberry fields"by the beatles popped into my head...it has always been a special song to me and it reminds me of being a free little girl (or WAS i, really, in every way...?) "...strawberry fields forever...nothing is real...and it's nothing to write home about...". i left realizing all my 'intimate' relationships have been illusions...as my hippie childhood was. yeah. painful stuff...but healing for me...
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PHEW! that was a LOT. that first exercise is probably the largest and most time consuming.................................
ok. mamas, its your turn!!! my parenting strengths coming up...to be continued...............
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