I'm Losing My Mind

[Jeloso]

This is going to sound like a long rant but I just really need some where to vent. Thank You

The Mothering community was my life when my DS was born almost 2 years ago, it helped me find a midwife, make my decisions regarding not circumcising, delaying vaccinations, try my hand in elimination communication, wear my baby, breastfeeding FAQ's. I felt great after my son was born pregnancy was easy, giving birth was easy and being a mom was sooo easy.

When I found out I was pregnant with my second I was so excited it would be just like the first time all over again and I loved so much of my experience with my son I couldn't help but look forward to this new life.

But I was wrong, it was a nightmare pregnancy I always felt sore or sick. I was moody and anxious and all around not myself. Her birth was easy and the first few weeks I was stressed but I figure this is what is normal, this is what everyone goes through I got lucky with my first. She cried constantly, was sick in her first few weeks.

When I went to the doctor after my daughter was born for a strange rash occurring all over my body he noticed scratch marks on my legs and belly and asked me what they were from... I was so embarrassed, I pick at my skin; I pick at any little imperfection on my skin until it becomes a sore and then I pick it more. I have scars all over my body and I'm sure on my scalp (But I can't see them). He suggest I have OCD and I should seek treatment. Ok fair enough if it'll stop me from picking at my skin, I knew it was a problem but not enough to seek help and it's embarrassing; who else does this?!!?!?

At the Mental Health appointment they praised me about how I'm such a good mom and made me feel wonderful about how well I was coping with a newborn and a toddler, as well as watching 4 other children in my home. They slightly suggested Zoloft but they didn't want me to feel like a bad mom so we will discuss it at our next appointment in 3 months!!! 3 months!! I felt fine, they acted as if I just needed more help around the house and I would have less anxiety=less skin picking.

I am not as good of a mom as I was with my first. There are a lot of things I did with my first that I'm not doing with my second. I feel like I don't care as much. I did give birth to DD in a birth center all natural, and I breastfeed but that's about as far as it goes. And I'm even breastfeeding half assed because if I want to go out I can only pump so much and then I give her formula.

Since that mental health appointment things have gotten progressively worse; I'm irritable, everyone and everything bothers me, I get angry and frustrated so easily I've yelled more in the past couple of months than I have in my whole life, I resent my children because they prevent me from living my life, I resent my husband for making me a prisoner in my own home. I have horrible thoughts, I cry, I worry, I feel a heavy sense of dread for no reason at all. I feel all alone.

My three month follow up is tomorrow, I'm afraid to admit all of this to someone who said that I was such a GREAT mom 3 short months ago. But I obviously need help I need something. My husband doesn't want me to rely on medication but I don't know what else there is. My husband does a good job of helping out after I explode but he seems blind to the build up.

Thank You for listening to me vent, I'm so confused about who I am and who I want to be.

[mamatolevi]

the only way they can help you is if you are completely honest with them. They are not there to judge.

you are a good mother. you are doing a good job. You're just a little out of whack right now and they can help you.

My DH was worried about meds, too. Then he saw how much better things are when I'm taking them. Zoloft is safe for nursing and there are ongoing studies as far as the safety of many antidepressants for nursing mothers. very little of it ends up in your milk.

Hugs.

[Super~Single~Mama]

I'm willing to bet that you are indeed a good mother. It's ok to need some help. I've been battling ppd following a difficult birth and a really bad tear that took forever to heal. I feel sometimes like I'm a bad mom and this is my first!

I agree with pp that they can't help you if you aren't completely honest with them about all of it. Good luck and keep us posted.

[LynnS6]

Bad mothers do not worry about how good a mother they are!

I agree with a pp -- as hard as it is, you need to be completely honest with them. Things are not getting better, they're getting worse for you, and it's time to get some help. Remember too, while being on meds has its downsides, there are KNOWN effects on children to having a mother who is depressed.

As much as I'm sure your husband is a good man, he is perpetuating stigmas against mental illnesses. If you had diabetes, had tried diet and exercise and it wasn't helping enough, would he not want you to "rely" on medicine to improve? PPD/OCD is serious too.

Ideally, you'd get a combination of meds and cognitive behavioral therapy -- it really can make a difference, and I hope you can get the help you need.

[crazycandigirl]

You are not alone. I do not know if you suffer from the same thing that I do, but I have similar symptoms. I am a self injurer. I have been since I was in middle school. I have many scars on my body from this. I have picked at myself before, but I tend to lean towards cutting. What I have is actually a dissociative disorder. When I am stressed/sad/overwhelmed/anxious I begin to feel very "faded"- a distant not fully there feeling. It is a scary and panicky thing to go through. Self Injury brings everything back into focus and calms me down. I do find it slightly embarrassing, and I only tell those who need to know and doctors who ask about the scars. I have times when it is much worse than others.

I also have issues with overwhelmed feelings, major depression, anxiety and insomnia. I have found the right medications (I have had to try quite a few to find some that work for me) to be very beneficial to me. I really think that in your case that medication therapy would be a huge step to feeling better.

The doctors did not catch the urgency of what you are going through, and they seem to have written it off a the baby blues. If you go talk to them and are honest and open about how you are feeling (easier said than done- I do realize how hard it can be) then they can begin to understand and help you.

Your husband seems to not quite grasp how much your how world is being effected by your feeling and emotions right now. It is possible that it doesn't register fully with him because he has never experienced it himself before. Not that he is being a bad husband or person, it is just hard to put yourself into someone's shoes at times, especially when it is something that feel foreign or odd from what you have known. He also needs to understand that medication is not a weakness, it is there to help and to heal.

You deserve to feel better- and I hope that your appointment goes well and that you get the treatment and healing that you deserve.

[Jeloso]

Thanks for the Support Everybody

My appointment was today and it went really well, I've gotten my prescription for the Zoloft and I will official start tomorrow; since they say it's best to take it in the morning. Wish me luck on feeling better! My husband gave me a speech about how he hopes the medicine will make me feel better but wishes I could do with out. My case worker at the behavioral health center says that if the medication does not work, I may need behavioral therapy which my husband may have to attend just so that he can take on some of the responsibilities around the house and understand how much I'm taking on and how difficult it is for ANYBODY. Again thank you everybody for hearing me out when I was really down.

crazycandigirl: I don't pick to hurt myself, it's more of an OCD thing I pick because it bothers me that it's there and if I remove it it'll make me feel so much better. But by picking I make it worse giving me more to pick at. It's a cycle and I've always been slightly aware of it but it never bothered me because it never bothered anyone else. The symptoms of PPD that I've been having hurt my whole family and that's why I agreed to the medication this time and not the last. I don't want to continue to hurt my family.

Thank you thank you thank you EVERYBODY!!!

[LynnS6]

I"m glad your appointment went well. A couple things to note: There are some temporary side effects to the Zoloft (mostly gastro-intestinal and sometimes a bit jittery) that go away in 3-7 days for most people. Sometimes you need an increase in meds -- if they started you on 25 mg, that's a starter, not a therapeutic dose. Most people end up on somewhere between 75 mg and 150, with 200 not being uncommon.

And you should know that the minimum recommended time is 6-12 months to give your brain time to heal and make the serotonin you need.

Originally Posted by Jeloso

My husband gave me a speech about how he hopes the medicine will make me feel better but wishes I could do with out.

I hope your husband DOES get to come to counseling with you. He just doesn't get it. No one wants to go on meds for anything. I'd rather not do abx either!

FWIW, I have a slight tendency to pick at my skin too - I never associated it with my PPD/anxiety symptoms before, but I'm sure it's related, after reading your posts. I just cannot stand to have my skin itch (and of course scabs itch), and so will pick to relieve that, which of course makes it worse, which of course gives me more to itch....So, you're not the only.

[paquerette]

I hope that you're feeling better soon. : Ideally you should be getting therapy from the get-go; it's been shown many times that the best approach is meds plus therapy.

[crazycandigirl]

I am glad that things went well for you .

I hope that you start to feel better soon!

[Jeloso]

I wish I could go to therapy, but I have to get a referral and my insurance won't cover it and all that jazz. A friend suggest that I write about it so I started writing about it in my blog, hopefully this will work as therapy. jeloso.blogspot.com Thanks for your support! I asked my husband today if I have such major personality flaws why he married me, he said they are not flaws. Then why get on me all the time about it! It's just so hurtful when someone so close to you openly dislikes a part of you...

[BabyMae09]

Just adding my opinion... I tried drugs 2X after DS was born - once when he was about 3, again when he was 6 - both times I had severe side effects, such as: suicidal tenancies (which I NEVER had before taking Zoloft) spending $$ issues, I went slightly bi-polar, etc.

It wasn't until I got some behavioral therapy that my life changed for the better. It took 2.5 years of meeting 1X per week for the first 1.5 years, then less sessions as time went on. But it was SO worth it!!! The drugs made me feel weird and out of it. I was not myself. The therapy made me realize who I am, and who I want to be, and that that is TOTALLY okay!

A side note: for me, part of getting out of my depression was leaving a romantic relationship. I realized I wasn't getting the support and respect that I needed. That may not be your situation, of course, just sharing mine!

Good luck with all the changes going on, mama!

Also - state health care will pay for mental health care for free. FYI.

[mamatolevi]

Did they have any reason why you couldn't start behavioral therapy at the same time as the meds? Couldn't hurt.

[fresh_veggie]

I pick at myself too...dermatillomania is what I've heard it referred to as. The scars and everything - and now that I've been married, I've been picking at my husband which he appreciates to an extent, but hates most of the time (he does have acne). Good luck, mama.

[Jeloso]

They said that they are going to get me the referral for the therapy... they said that last time for just the picking and 3 months later I never got a referral I have state insurance like medicaid. I can't really go to a real doctor for any of this. I can talk to my case worker who listens and that's really nice.
fresh_veggie: I pick at my husband too... he HATES IT!!!!

[marge234]

I know you're busy enough being a mom and struggling on top of it but if you can, stay on them for that referral. They should not be making you wait. You have symptoms, you're being medicated, you could benefit from the therapy. Hang in there!