She totally disregarded my feelings

[ElaynesMom]

A fairly popular radio station in my area, that my parents happen to listen to, is currently having a funny video contest. About a week ago my mother told me she was going to submit a video of my 20 mo dd and I told her I would be uncomfortable with that. The video would be on the station's public website, and I don't really want pictures or videos of my dd posted online for just anyone to view/take. My mother told me I was being ridiculous as usual, but I still was very clear I didn't want the video posted. Tonight my best friend called and during our conversation he mentioned that he had seen a video of my dd on said website and it was really cute.

I'm a little upset. It's not the end of the world that the video is on the site, though I would prefer it not be, but I feel like my mother has zero respect for my feelings. She does this ALL.THE.TIME and I don't know how to address it. She constantly tells me the way I do things is ridiculous and tends to get angry at me if I let her know that she has upset me. We're supposed to go over this Thursday, but I don't even want to see her.

I don't know exactly what type of response I'm looking for really, just venting a little, though if anyone has suggestions on dealing with things like this it would be appreciated. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest.

Kassandra

[trinity6232000]

I would contact the website. Tell them that a video of your child is on their site, without your permission. They might take it down for you.

Call your Mom, keep it short.

Mom, I told you exactly how I felt about posting a video of MY child online. I feel very sad that you went ahead and did it anyway. We won't be coming over on Thursday.

I imagine that one reason your not taken seriously and she keeps doing this is because she gets away with it.

[St. Margaret]

Yeah, and I would not let her have any more electronic videos/pics for a while. Once she can't show off her granddaughter as easily, she might decide it's worth it to respect your wishes.

It's not a huge deal, but it really is about her needing to respect you as the mom. I would have such a hard time dealing with family that I felt I couldn't trust!

[geek_the_girl]

Originally Posted by trinity6232000

I would contact the website. Tell them that a video of your child is on their site, without your permission. They might take it down for you.

I agree.

I would be furious. Im sorry your mom did that.

[ElaynesMom]

Thank you for the responses. I think I'll let the video remain as it isn't the end of the world and I have a feeling it would upset my mother if I tried to have it removed, whether it's right or not. I just don't want to add to the whole thing.

I realize that part of the problem is that she gets away with doing things. It's really hard for me to stand up to people when they upset me, but I will definitely speak with her about how she makes me feel.

Thanks again for taking the time to read my post.

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by ElaynesMom

Thank you for the responses. I think I'll let the video remain as it isn't the end of the world and I have a feeling it would upset my mother if I tried to have it removed, whether it's right or not. I just don't want to add to the whole thing.

I realize that part of the problem is that she gets away with doing things. It's really hard for me to stand up to people when they upset me, but I will definitely speak with her about how she makes me feel.

Thanks again for taking the time to read my post.

Do you realize you contradicted yourself here - in the first half you say "I'll let it be" and in the second you say "she gets away with things". If you don't ask to have it taken down YOU have let her get away with something that bothers you a lot.

It is hard to say how you feel. It is hard to call a radio station and say "my mom sent this in without my permission". But these are good skills to practice for when your kids get older and you may need to stick up for them in a lot of situations.

[~Megan~]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

Do you realize you contradicted yourself here - in the first half you say "I'll let it be" and in the second you say "she gets away with things". If you don't ask to have it taken down YOU have let her get away with something that bothers you a lot.

It is hard to say how you feel. It is hard to call a radio station and say "my mom sent this in without my permission". But these are good skills to practice for when your kids get older and you may need to stick up for them in a lot of situations.

exactly. stand up for yourself. stand up for your child.

[Needle in the Hay]

Originally Posted by ElaynesMom

I think I'll let the video remain as it isn't the end of the world and I have a feeling it would upset my mother if I tried to have it removed, whether it's right or not. I just don't want to add to the whole thing.
.

You wouldn't be adding to it, you'd just be taking away what your mother did against your wishes. It's actually quite ridiculous that you don't want to upset your mother by undoing the thing she did that upset you! (I don't mean that you are ridiculous, not at all, just your worry about upsetting your mother.)
Unfortunately, if you continue to see things the way you do, you can get used to having your feeings disregarded for a long time to come.

[MusicianDad]

Originally Posted by trinity6232000

I would contact the website. Tell them that a video of your child is on their site, without your permission. They might take it down for you.

Actually I think they legally have to take it down.

Having them take it down is asserting your right as the parent and the one who makes the decision. I'd be worried that leaving it up would have her thinking "we'll she didn't do anything about it last time except get mad, so I can get away with it again."

[Jessy1019]

I have no problem with pics and videos of my kids being posted publicly, but when I entered my daughter's picture in a radio station "messy kids" contest, I *had* to sign the paperwork AS HER PARENT. Legally, only the parents were allowed to submit pictures. I can't imagine it's any different in your case -- and really, if you don't want your child in the contest, it's only right to have the video removed -- there are lots of other parents who DO want their kids in, and technically, what your mom did was cheating since she didn't have permission to submit your daughter's video.

[chaoticzenmom]

I can't believe that you dont' want to take it down because it might upset HER! You have got to get assertive. So many people need assertiveness training. My favorite assertiveness book is called "Your Perfect Right." Get it, read it and use it.

When I started realizing that I was becoming very uncomfortable/shakyand not sleeping, whenever I feared a confrontation, I made a decision. It's going to be me that's uncomfortable or them. I choose them because they've chosen me. If someone does something to you because you're a pushover and they know it, then they've chosen for you to have those icky feelings and they get off scott free! NO MORE. If they choose to take advantage of me, then they're going to be the one that's uncomfortable when I call them on it. Then, amazingly, I stop thinking about it. It doesn't run around in my mind when I sleep, it doesn't give me icky feelings in my stomache, it just goes away and often, I forget about it. What they did with those icky feelings that I gave back to them, I don't know, but for me, it's gone. Knowing that those icky feelings will disappear when I assert myself makes me want to assert myself everytime. Who wants to keep that stuff inside? Not me.

Stand up to her, call the station and have it removed, assert yourself. You have that right!!! She should be the one with these uncomfortable feelings, give them back to her.

[pauletoy]

I agree, you need to have the video taken down.

As Dr. Phil says, "You teach people how to treat you!"

Sweetie, you are teaching your mother that no matter what you say, she can do whatever she wants and you will go along with it just so you won't upset her.

Don't pass this legacy down to your dd.

[vegemamato]

I completely understand how you feel, Kassandra

I have similar issues with my mom disreguarding my wishes and feelings, which has caused a lot of issues for me (not as much for her, cause I back down more often than not .

So, I don't have much advise on how to approach your mother directly and assertively but I can say that I would not leave the video up. IMO, you have every right as a parent to keep images of your child off the internet (not that I'm against movies- we have a few ). Your daughter also has the right to be protected, especially if the video is of anything sensitive (things that she won't want floating around later).

I wouldn't be going on Thursday either.. I would probably write a short email explaining that you took the movie down, you are very uncomfortable with the idea of her going behind your back and that you will not be coming over. I'd keep it short n sweet, if possible.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do

[AllisonR]

I'm with the other posters. Right now you are responsible for your mother taking advantage, because you are allowing it. Take an assertiveness class. Life is not a choice between being walked all over and abused or being a totally inflexible witch. There is a lot of grey area in between.

More importantly is the lessons you are teaching your DD. You are showing her how you allow other people to treat you and how you think SHE ought to be treated. Kids are smart, they pick up on all this. You are not going to magically become a different person and be able to stand up for your DD when she is 2 or 4 or 6... How will you help her and support her, when she needs your help and support?

[Belia]

I would be furious too, mama. What she did was absolutely unacceptable.


And at the risk of beating a dead horse, I agree with the others that you have to start asserting yourself with your mom. And actually, this would be a pretty nonconfrontative way of doing so. Call the station, have the video taken down, then let your mom know what you've done (either in a separate conversation or drop it into a conversation casually). You will have stood up for yourself simply by stating the facts. "I was clear in that I did not want DD's video on the internet, so I called the station to have it taken down." What's there to argue? You're just stating a fact and not needing anything from your mom.

[SmoothieMom]

Originally Posted by ElaynesMom

my mother told me she was going to submit a video of my 20 mo dd and I told her I would be uncomfortable with that.

I guess saying you are uncomfortable is not enough, next time forbid it, make yourself really clear.

[nerdymom]

Hugs mama! I understand what you mean about wanting to say something but then not wanting to hurt your mom's feelings. I have the same hangups with my mom. I was strictly taught that you do not say the word "no" to your parents. And now, I am painfully unlearning these lessons. My heart hurts for you mama, that your wishes were so calously tossed aside like this. It may not be easy, but you HAVE to step up and have that talk with your mother. And having the video removed is the first step. I wish you strength! :

[Sierra]

Yes, I too don't want to beat a dead horse, but I really think it is important that you consider that your mother is being allowed to walk all over you by your response. She'll keep doing it until you are willing to say no (and willing *even though* it WILL hurt her feelings).

Anytime you choose to say no, it is going to hurt her feelings. Putting it off isn't going to change that. It's just a question of how long do you want her to continue using you as her doormat.

For me, the line is really crossed when it comes to my kids. Once my kids are involved in some effort to walk on me, I have to put my foot down.

And I would like to reiterate that you have a right to demand the radio station take the video down from their website. She is a minor, and they did not have your parental consent. (Believe me, I've been there.)

[ElaynesMom]

Thank you everyone for the additional replies. You have really given me a lot to think about and I realize I need to make some changes. I have called my mom and told her that we won't be coming over this evening and I briefly explained why. I'm still considering whether or not to remove the video. It was difficult, and she was a bit upset, but then again, so am I.

It's a difficult spot sometimes as I feel I only have two options. It seems as though my first option is to let her walk all over me, and the second option is to stand up for myself but have her constantly upset with me and not speaking to me. A lot of times it seems like a lose-lose situation. I do know that things can't continue like this though, so I will try and stand up for myself more often.

Thanks again.

[MusicianDad]

There is always the possibility that she will get tired of being upset with you and come to the realization that there are certain things she has to respect you on.

As much as it may seem a fairy tale, sometimes an old dog will learn new tricks.