WWYD, unfair to my other kids? - Page 2

[Britishmum]

Originally Posted by LionessMom

i did send the basket back. she took it with her when she went for her visit. i will be talking to their mom as well.

only DD lives with both parents. DS's father fell off of the face of the earth more than a year ago. he wasnt much of a parent before then anyway.

when i was a little girl, my parents were divorced and my step mom had a baby boy. i didnt even want to take my stuff over there. i knew they had their own stuff and i didnt want my baby brother being sad that i had something he didnt.

the amount of crap they bring is ridiculous. i mean DSD1's easter basket was huge and full of stuff i dont want to feed her. i am so sick of them sending candy over all the time. i dont want my kids eating candy every day. they will beg and beg if it is here. DSD1 and 2's baskets from mom house was a little better but still.

this house belongs to all my kids. and yes DSDs rub their faces in the fact that they have more parents and stuff etc. it burns DS as his father issue still stings. DD just wants there stuff and they dont want to share, so i have to listen to fighting unless i take it away.

why cant all my kids feel equal in their own home? why do my DS and DD have to feel shafted all the time b/c DSDs other parents want to spoil them.

for xmas and bday (DSDs bday are right before xmas) they brought home tons of crap. DS was sad. DD was too young but she will understand soon enough. the other parents have enough room for this crap. we buy them their own stuff for xmas. my entire family buys for every one of my kids. their family does not buy for my kids, but their kids bring home 4 times the amount my family bought. i told them last year. they can bring home one toy, and clothes. per bday etc. i dont tell them to not ever bring anything back, just limit it.

DSDs live with me. they see their mom 2x week for 6 hours each day. fri and sun.
DSD1 goes to her dad's house every weekend from fri to sun.
i have been their primary caregiver since DD was 6 weeks old.

and for the people who say my child has to live with it. i think DSDs need to live with it too. DD will get over it, if it is jept to a minimum. DSDs will get over not being able to bring every thing home.

I'm very sad that you did that. I am also sad that you call your dsk's stuff 'crap' too. Maybe to you it is crap, but to them, it is a gift from their parent. And that imo is important to honor. One family's crap is another family's treasure, and value judgments over their stuff is wrong, imo. My kids have loved some questionable items before, but if it was given to them by someone else and they treasure it, then I would never, ever stop them loving it.

I wonder if dsd's 'rub their faces in it' over having more parents is truly from feeling luckier. First, siblings will tease one another over something, regardless. Maybe they do it because, well, they are siblings, are togehter, and it's meaningless. Or maybe they don't truly feel blessed to have two homes. If they are just teasing, well, they are siblings. If they are truly being obnoxious, then they are hurting. Whatever the underlying reasons, what matters is your attitude and your responses as an adult. It is hard to tell on the internet, but honestly, your tone is not very loving when you describe them like this. It makes my heart sad to read.

I am trying to be gentle, but honestly, the tone of your posts makes it sound pretty hostile towards these children, and overly protective of your bio kids. Maybe that is not the case irl, but certainly, sending baskets away seems to indicate that there is a level of harshness here. Children - and adults - often latch onto gifts as security items that are reminders to them of the people that they love when they are away from them. To deny them that right to keep those people in mind, when it was not them who chose to move away from their loved one, imo lacks compassion.

Maybe you could work to try to see life from their perspective a little more. Like, imagine that your dh gave you somethign that you really treasured, but you had to go away from him for part of each week (during which time he got to live with his second wife). And when you went, you were not allowed to take your treasure, because your other family didn't think much of your dh and his 'crappy' ideas of gifts. You are passing judgment on dsd's other parents when you do this, and that, for a kid, sucks.

Sure, dsds will get over it. But is that all we want for our children, that they deal with hardships and get over it?

[Britishmum]

I just read your siggie and saw the ages of your kids. Seeing that your ds is 14, honestly, I think your protectiveness is over the top. At 14, he is old enough for you to talk to him and explain that dsd's other family has the right to give stuff to them, they are younger, and it would not be fair to not let them bring their stuff home.

You can make up the lack of 'stuff' to him by giving him what he needs - whether it is time playing baseball, taking him to movies, playing chess, or whatever is his 'thing'. He doesn't need an easter basket to equal that of a 6 yo. It's not like he's the same age watching another kid get a gift he's always coveted. Sure, it sucks for him not to have a bio dad around, but he is old enough to understand that this is not your dsds' fault, and the two things are not connected. I think you need to deal with that as a totally separate issue.

As for your youngest, you need to find her 'currency' and give her what she needs as she gets older. It isn't going to be the same as the other kids, but she has something very different already - she has two parents under the same roof. As she gets older, she will be able to understand that too.

[Labyrinth]

I would have been devastated as a 7 y/o child if I had presents sent back that someone gave me- especially if they had been given by a parent or other close relative who I wasn't able to see much

Your DD is awfully young to be experiencing true jealousy. All toddlers want EVERYTHING everyone else has. It's normal and expected. As she gets older she will probably recognize that the older girls have different rules than she does because of the age gap. I completely believe your 14 year old is sad on holidays- I bet he senses what he missed as a kid. Can you figure out what his needs are and try filling them? I don't think turning away presents and treats is going to solve it.

For your youngest three, I might consider a "treasure chest/yours mine ours" set up. Basically provide a container for each child, like a foot locker or toy box or book shelf, in which each child can keep their toys/special items that they don't want to share. They can only keep as much as can fit in that container, you can make exceptions for things like bikes, lovies kept on the bed, etc. Everything else must go into a "community toy area" to be shared with everyone else as is age appropriate. This can cut down on the "my toy" nonsense a lot of kids do- even kids who only have two parents who live in the same house.

Good luck, and take care.

[Smithie]

"why do my DS and DD have to feel shafted all the time b/c DSDs other parents want to spoil them."

I really think your perspective is totally skewed on this one. You just sent back an Easter basket that a 6-year-old got from her mom - the mom that she doesn't live with anymore, because she lives with you and her dad and the two kids you gave birth to. IN WHAT UNIVERSE ARE YOUR BIOKIDS THE ONES WHO HAVE BEEN SHAFTED BY THE FUNDAMENTAL UNFAIRNESS OF LIFE? They live fulltime with their mother, and with the guy that I can only presume you married because he is a loving and involved father figure! What would make it all fair? If your DSDs' mother "dropped off the face of the earth" as well, leaving everybody but the youngest with only one bioparent?

Also, I grew up with a much younger sibling, and if I had expressed resentment at age 14 when he showed up with a bag of candy and I didn't have one, I'm pretty sure my parents would NOT have been too impressed with my behavior. For Pete's sake.

[GoBecGo]

I only have limited experience (i'm the biomom, DP is the stepdad and XP is the biodad, we don't have any more kids yet) but it does seem to me that the stepkids are paying twice for the unfairness of the world, once because they don't get to live with their bioparents all the time, and once to make up for the fact that their siblings don't get one of the few compensations of such a situation - extra gifts.

Life is not fair. By trying to MAKE it fair for some of your kids (since your dsk's are yours too) you are only making it less fair for the others and more fair for no-one. You can send back all the baskets and never let the dsd's bring their beloved or new toys home from their biofolks homes and it won't make your DS's biodad reappear and step up. He has lost so much more than easter baskets, you can't redress that (though i totally understand the need to try!). I get the impression also (since you are here posting) that you aren't entirely happy with any of it either, despite finding a course of action.

If it were me i would foster a big focus on sharing. I loved the suggestion above about keepsake boxes. Make EVERYone share EVERYthing, aside from the limited loved items that can be fitted in a box (largeish document box springs to mind). Yep, divide that muffin into four! Yes, a tad ridiculous, but either the kids will get the idea that they are all equally loved and valued siblings who need to equally love and value one another, orthey will eat their muffins with the biofolks next time - at least they have that choice then. Candy - ifyou don't feed candy it is fine to tell everyone involved that you don't feed candy and candy needs to live where it is eaten (i.e. not brought home) but that you would welcome fruit/activities/whatever in baskets that can be SHARED with their siblings. I think the best thing is to recognise that the bioparents are PART of your kids and your kids need to have the relationships honoured to grow up feeling good aout themselves, but EQUALLY the bioparents need to recgonise that their siblings (step, half, whatever) are PART of the kids too, and THOSE relationships need to be honoured (and not encouraged to be forgotten or abused by instigating jealousy on purpose). Explain to all the biofolks that muffins will be shared and you might find 4 muffins start coming home.

Above all i think the only thing all these kids have gained from such difficult and complicated homelives is one another. They all have at least 2 siblings who understand or have the experience to understand their own situations with their parents and homes. Your home is the central base, make it about them as 4 siblings, a family in its own right which will have the potential to exist long after you and all the biofolks are old and gone, and perhaps they will find harmony together rather than jealousy.

Those are my 2c anyway.

[mamadebug]

It seems to create a false sense of what is fair and right to limit what one child may bring into your home that is a gift from their parent. I think the more appropriate way to handle it would be to help the 14 year old be more gracious about the situation, find solutions to get what he wants (maybe some little job around the neighborhood) and to instill compassion in him that his younger step-siblings are going between two houses and the understanding that different houses have different rules, ways of living, etc. Like another poster said, your baby is too young to have true jealousy - toddlers want everything.

[LionessMom]

im kinda surpised. i live in a trailer. i dont have room for all the crap (they buy cheap plastic crap). 3 times a year we have to clean out stuff and get rid of stuff.

[greenemami]

I think that, as parents (bio or step), it is our right to monitor the stuff that comes in our house. If dsd or dd brings home stuff I find inappropirate, for whatever reason, it goes. I explain why, if necessary, and no, I wouldn't toss a treasured toy, obviously.

[mamadebug]

Originally Posted by LionessMom

im kinda surpised. i live in a trailer. i dont have room for all the crap (they buy cheap plastic crap). 3 times a year we have to clean out stuff and get rid of stuff.

I think maybe you are missing the point. We all get that all of us have too much stuff, that many of the moms on MDC don't like plastic "crap" and that many moms on here also don't like their kids to have too much candy/sugar/whatever. That isn't what it is about, though. By not letting the children bring something from their other parent into your home, you are interfering with that child's interaction and connection with the other parent. Regardless of if you or I think it is "crap" and not a toy/food you would like, it is from their other parent. They may think of their parent when they see/play with it in your home, or remember feeling special when they got it - and even if you or I wouldn't think the best connection between parent and child is materialistic things, it is THEIR connection - not yours to interrupt.

[Britishmum]

Originally Posted by LionessMom

im kinda surpised. i live in a trailer. i dont have room for all the crap (they buy cheap plastic crap). 3 times a year we have to clean out stuff and get rid of stuff.

I don't have space for a lot of stuff either, and I clean out frequently to make room. But that is not what this is about. It is about respecting the relationship between your dsds and their parent. It is about allowing them to bring a part of that life home with them and retain the connection when they are not with the other parent.

I think that you are missing the point and failing to really consider what is driving this feeling of protectiveness towards your bio kids and harshness towards your step kids.

It is highly likely that their mother thinks that your values are 'crap' too. Maybe she would consider the things that many mdc moms value, like wooden, simple toys, and wholefoods, to be crap. The point is that she should not let her kids know that she considers your lifestyle to be crappy, and neither should you let them know that you think hers is so. You need to support their wish to bring their stuff home and help them to retain the feeling of connectedness to their mother during the week. Even if you do consider the vehicle that they use for that connectedness to be, in itself, crap.

The plastic items may well be crap. But the emotions that they evoke in the little girls are far from crap. By treating the stuff like crap, you are equating their relationship with their mother with crap.

Just think how much warmer they would feel if your response was "Oh, how lovely - your mom really loves you! How nice of her to buy you that (plastic doll/bubble blower/spinner/toy)! Now, where in your room are you going to put it?"

Deal with the cleaning out of excess stuff separately. That is something we all do, and has nothing to do with the issue we're discussing.

[mtiger]

Originally Posted by LionessMom

i did send the basket back. she took it with her when she went for her visit. i will be talking to their mom as well.

I would be interested in knowing what the other parents' reactions were to this.

Originally Posted by LionessMom

this house belongs to all my kids. and yes DSDs rub their faces in the fact that they have more parents and stuff etc. it burns DS as his father issue still stings. DD just wants there stuff and they dont want to share, so i have to listen to fighting unless i take it away.

Personally, I think it might be more effective to help the children learn to share and be more thoughtful of one another's feelings, rather than simply taking things away/sending them back/banning them.

Originally Posted by LionessMom

for xmas and bday (DSDs bday are right before xmas) they brought home tons of crap. DS was sad. DD was too young but she will understand soon enough. the other parents have enough room for this crap. we buy them their own stuff for xmas. my entire family buys for every one of my kids. their family does not buy for my kids, but their kids bring home 4 times the amount my family bought. i told them last year. they can bring home one toy, and clothes. per bday etc. i dont tell them to not ever bring anything back, just limit it.

I don't understand why DS was sad that the girls brought bday presents home. Does he not get presents on his bday? Do THEY get presents for HIS bday? For a 14yo to get upset and sad about other children - especially younger children - getting gifts for their bday is something that would concern me greatly if it were my child.

Also, why should their family (who are. apparently, unrelated to yoru kids) buy them gifts? I don't buy my ex's stepkids gifts (although I ensure that my kids have gifts for them and will help them out if they need some extra money to get something they think the other kids will like).

Originally Posted by LionessMom

and for the people who say my child has to live with it. i think DSDs need to live with it too. DD will get over it, if it is jept to a minimum. DSDs will get over not being able to bring every thing home.

In all honesty, there seems to be way too much focus on who has what, who gets what, and all that stuff... And I don't think it's going to serve any of the children involved well as time goes on. There will always be circumstances in life that "aren't fair". That's how life goes sometimes. It might be wise to try focusing on how things tend to balance out in the end.

[Oriole]

I think issues like this should be addressed only parent-to-parent, and never by making a child to take the gift back.

I'm also with others on 14 being a bit too old to be jealous of an easter basket a little sis brought home.

I can't say I understand the muffin example either. Although, I think the level to which you are trying to equalize things is a bit too much, and the breakfast incident is a demonstration of it. If a child can't even have a muffin they just walked through the door with, because other siblings will get jealous, something is off-balance in the family, don't you think?

I don't like the expression "life is not fair", because life is what you make of it. I think it IS fair for a child to keep a muffin they got from their mom they see 12 hours a week, and it IS fair for them to keep an easter basket, even if the other siblings didn't get one. And I think reminding other siblings to be happy for each other would be of more value, than reminding one child how inadequate their parent is by sending their gifts back.

I know it's not easy on any of us, and we just try to do the best we can. But sometimes I guess ideas of how it should work take over reality.

Best of luck.

[Smithie]

"For a 14yo to get upset and sad about other children - especially younger children - getting gifts for their bday is something that would concern me greatly if it were my child."

:

IMHO, this is the real issue here. You've obviously had some experience raising toddlers and seeing how they want everything in sight, so it seems to me that it's your 14-year-old's age-inappropriate behavior that is throwing you for a loop. There are all kinds of things he might reasonably resent about his stepsibs - like if their dad favors them hugely, or if you have had to cut back unduly on the things you can do for him in order to provide the care they need. Is any of THAT going on? Because whatever this is really about, it is probably NOT about the envy of a teenage boy over presents and candy given to little girls by a woman he is in no way related to.

Oh, and I throw out cheap plastic crap and unused toys/games at least three times a year. If it's worth donating, we do that as a mitzvah (fulfillment of a religious commandment) along with outgrown clothing, and we do it as a family. Nobody is suggesting that you stop decluttering!

[mtiger]

Originally Posted by Smithie

IMHO, this is the real issue here. You've obviously had some experience raising toddlers and seeing how they want everything in sight, so it seems to me that it's your 14-year-old's age-inappropriate behavior that is throwing you for a loop. There are all kinds of things he might reasonably resent about his stepsibs - like if their dad favors them hugely, or if you have had to cut back unduly on the things you can do for him in order to provide the care they need. Is any of THAT going on? Because whatever this is really about, it is probably NOT about the envy of a teenage boy over presents and candy given to little girls by a woman he is in no way related to.

And I can see how his Dad's walking away could be an issue - but it's one apart from the littles bringing stuff back from *their* other parent(s). So thinking that making them keep that stuff out of your home is fixing the problem is, well... delusional.

If this were my 14yo, I would likely be looking at counseling to help him come to terms with his Dad's abandonment. Then, I would look at finding him a solid male role model - be it a grandparent, an uncle, friend, "big brother". And lastly, I'd make sure to carve out some regular one-on-one time with him.

[LionessMom]

Originally Posted by mtiger

I would be interested in knowing what the other parents' reactions were to this.

DSD1's dad was fine. he wanted it anyway b/c his step kids were eating there candy that night anyway. i did tell him it was b/c we had too much candy. i did not make DSD1 take it back herself. i did ask DSD1 if she wanted to take it with her so she could eat it that night. she did say yes. i did not send DSD1 and 2's basket back to their mom's. we talked about how much candy it was, and they looked through it and tossed the stuff they wouldnt eat anyway, and then sat down and shared. like i said, their mom's baskets werent too bad. i havent had a chance to talk to their mom yet but she was more than understanding of the no room for large and many presents here. she was also more than understandable about my not wanting toys with a million tiny peices here. in my trailer there is absolutely no way to keep them out the reach of DD. this was after the kids complained about not having any toys there anyway. i never said they couldnt bring anything home. i have all the kids to think about. not just the 2. DS made sacrifices for the DSDs, the DSDs made sacrifices for DD, and DD will make sacrifices for the safety of the one on the way.

i do understand where you are all coming from. i have been thinking about it too. and maybe i am harsh sometimes. i did not make these rules without discussing my concerns with the other parents.

i was angry about the easter baskets. mostly b/c i had just gotten them over the dang candy urge, and they were back to whining for yogurt and cheese sticks instead of gummies and suckers. that frustrated me.

and i limit what my parents buy my kids as well. knowing DSDs will bring home clothes and a toy for xmas etc, my parents only buy clothes and 2 toys for DD, and give DS money (the same amount they spent on the other kids). then DH and I buy every kid a toy they wanted then a toy that is a surprise. and we keep it within our meager budget.

i thought we were doing a good thing by keeping it pretty fair.
guess i was wrong. sorry DD and one on the way, you will always feel the sting of jealousy. and kids do feel jealousy no matter how well you try to teach them to be happy for the other ones.

[Smithie]

It sounds like you handled it pretty well, actually. Good for you! I'm sorry if I was too harsh myself. It would drive me stark raving crazy if I didn't control what foods came into my home. (Not that my MIL doesn't drop off junk constantly, but it's not the same thing because I can put my foot down when it's really important to me without having anybody call me a UAV.)

Kids do feel jealousy, for sure, but 14 is a time to start growing out of that IMO, at least where purely material things like presents and candy are concerned. And probably your son IS starting to, and will have a direction next Easter!

[Britishmum]

Sounds like you have food for thought not (but hopefully not too much candy )

I think you are right. Kids will be jealous, no matter what. But it can be either insignificant as they grow older - ie just a little envy - or it can become a monster that consumes them and influences their future lives. It is up to us to try to navigate to keep it within reasonable bounds.

My personal view is that it is best to pick your battles, and let a lot of stuff go, even if it wouldnt' be your preference. And to find each child's love currency, and keep them filled with that. I recently read The Five Love Languages of Children, and it really helped me work out how to ease the sibling rivalry that my kids feel. The book does have a Christian edge, but I just ignored the bible references (there are only maybe six or seven in the whole book), and read on. But it was useful for me to try to work out what currency matters to each child. Some kids are more attached to 'stuff' than others. Some prefer acts of service, others are more in need of physical touch. Of course, they all need all manner of demonstrations of love, but they do have preferences. It sounds to me that you need to work hard to find out what your ds's are, and fill him up with those, rather than focus on trying to keep level a playing field that in itself is grossly uneven.

Even in a traditional mum-dad-kids family, you can't keep all things equal, and nor should you want to. I used to worry that my older kids had a very special relationship with a retired friend/neighbor, but my youngest was ignored. Then last year we made a new friend, also a retiree, who simply lights up when he sees ds. Just yesterday he came around and had a gift for ds and not the other kids. The others helped him open it, and played with it for a few minutes, then went off to do their own thing. It was no big deal to them. If it had been, I'd have reminded them that friend #1 often pays little attention to ds, and lots to them.

In blended families you have little control over these factors, and you have to stop trying to control too much, or you'll go crazy. I agree that all the kids will need to make sacrifices at some stage for one another, but I'd try to keep those to a minimum - ie pick your battles and only expect a sacrifice if there is no alternative.

Good luck!

[Kirsten]

Originally Posted by Spirit Dancer

Look at it this way- your bio children are always with both their parents, your step children are not.

I know your ds doesn't have both parents, and that is a sad reality. I truly believe that each of us has a certain amount of negative things to deal with in life; this is one of his. Other people have both parents, but deal with a health issue or learning difficulty or something else.

So ds deals with the fact that his dad walked away. DSDs deal with the fact that their parents divorced, and they go back and forth between two homes. DD deals with her sisters getting Easter baskets when she didn't. It isn't possible to make things fair in any family - blended or not.

Originally Posted by mtiger

My kids get the latter. #2 and her SS have bdays within a week of one another. #2 is the elder of the two by ~3 years. Last bday? SS got a new laptop from Mom & my ex. #2? A $50 gift card. I can tell you that it stung her.

I don't understand who is who in this. #2 is your biological dd? SS is her stepsister? SS got a computer from her biological parents. These same two people (who are not #2's parents?) gave her a gift card for her birthday. I don't understand how that is a problem unless #2 and SS have the same two parents who got them wildly different gifts. Why would SS's parents give your dd an expensive gift? I'm confused...

Originally Posted by Britishmum

If your children are jealous, then I think you need to work in their own love currency to make sure that they feel equally valued and important, but of course, that is to you and their dad, not to their step-sib's parent.

Look at it this way. Your kids get to spend all their time in one home, with both parents. What a gift that is. Sure, it's not candy or easter baskets, but I wonder what all the kids would say if asked to swap?

This is a good point. It isn't up to your dp's ex to buy YOUR kids Easter baskets or NOT to buy them for her own kids. I think that is an unrealistic expectation. If you choose not to do Easter baskets for your kids, that doesn't mean she can't for hers.

Originally Posted by LionessMom

sorry DD and one on the way, you will always feel the sting of jealousy. and kids do feel jealousy no matter how well you try to teach them to be happy for the other ones.

I think your DSDs get the shorter end of the stick in ways that really count, and your DD will understand that when she is older. It sounds like you are really focused on fairness and jealousy in regards to material things. I'd try to step away from that and see if it helps the kids follow suit.

And if the "they got Easter baskets and they didn't" bothers you, I'd do simple Easter baskets for all four kids at your house. I found really cute playing cards shaped like a bunny head in the $1 section at Target. Every month, there are $1 and $2 books in the Scholastic flyer; mark the form "gift - I will pick up". I put things like cute (but practical) socks and undies in my kids' baskets. Hair ponies. Art supplies. Things they like but that you'd have to supply at some point anyway. I keep a box on the high shelf in my closet with items I find on sale that my kids would love - that I use for Easter baskets, Xmas stockings, etc.

[LionessMom]

Originally Posted by Kirsten

So ds deals with the fact that his dad walked away. DSDs deal with the fact that their parents divorced, and they go back and forth between two homes. DD deals with her sisters getting Easter baskets when she didn't. It isn't possible to make things fair in any family - blended or not.

just explaining. DSD1 and 2's mom lost custody per CPS. DSD2 is DH's bio. DSD1 is neither mine nor his. she has 3 homes. she gets 3 times the amount of stuff and is very very rub your face in it. she will be moving to her bio dad's house next month.

[Oriole]

Originally Posted by LionessMom

just explaining. DSD1 and 2's mom lost custody per CPS. DSD2 is DH's bio. DSD1 is neither mine nor his. she has 3 homes. she gets 3 times the amount of stuff and is very very rub your face in it. she will be moving to her bio dad's house next month.

I'm not sure having 3 homes is such a great thing at that age, or any age. Don't get me wrong, I don't think any child should "rub it in", especially when it comes to material things. But when I hear about a kid who has three homes, I can't help but to feel sad for her.