WWYD, unfair to my other kids? - Page 3

[courtenay_e]

I agree with Oriole...and I can see a child in that situation showing what "stuff" (materially) she has to people because perhaps she doesn't feel as if she has security in other areas? Maybe that's what she holds on to to show herself that she has value? Not that that is something that you want to see in a child in general, but maybe it would help if it made sense as to why she was doing it.

[Britishmum]

Originally Posted by LionessMom

just explaining. DSD1 and 2's mom lost custody per CPS. DSD2 is DH's bio. DSD1 is neither mine nor his. she has 3 homes. she gets 3 times the amount of stuff and is very very rub your face in it. she will be moving to her bio dad's house next month.

It sounds to me like her bragging is a symptom of feelings about her complex living arrangements. Poor little thing. I'd try to focus on how she must feel with this shunting around rather than worry about the material stuff or her behaviour about it.

More is not always better, and I'm sure that deep down she knows that. But the material 'stuff' probably gives her a feeling of being loved and attached. Children need attachment, and it looks to me that she is finding her attachment through material items that prove to her outwardly that she is loved. And that is sad.

Honestly, again, I'd try to examine your tone. I would never, in a million years, describe my children in that way - ie "very very rub your face in it." Not even when my kids are at their most obnoxious. It just is not very gentle or sympathetic. It would all speak volumes more if you expressed it like this:

"DSD1 has a more complex living arrangement. She's been through a lot of changes - right now she's living in three homes, and next month she moves again to her bio-dad's. The adults in her life seem to want to compensate for this difficult arrangement by buying her excess material 'stuff'. DSD1 finds it hard to handle this appropriately, and seems to latch onto this stuff as proof of her own importance and worth. This means that sometimes she brags about the amount that she has to her siblings, and at times this can come across as quite obnoxious. It sometimes makes the other kids feel resentful. I really want to help her feel secure and loved, and am unsure how to handle her bragging behavior."

What a difference that would make. If you could reframe this in your mind, I think that you could help improve your other kids' responses to dsds, and also help her in managing this very difficult, sad situation your dsd is in.

[LionessMom]

Originally Posted by Oriole

I'm not sure having 3 homes is such a great thing at that age, or any age. Don't get me wrong, I don't think any child should "rub it in", especially when it comes to material things. But when I hear about a kid who has three homes, I can't help but to feel sad for her.

it is not a good thing, and it is at the bottom of her behavior. CPS was going to have us and bio dad share custody with mom getting visits. we said no. bio dad is a good dad and wants custody. give it to him. she will have his home as a main home, visit her mom at whatever home she has, and then once a month come visit us if it works out. she will see her sister when she visits her mom. but 3 different homes, and she spends equal time at them, is ridiculous.

[LionessMom]

Originally Posted by Britishmum

Honestly, again, I'd try to examine your tone. I would never, in a million years, describe my children in that way - ie "very very rub your face in it." Not even when my kids are at their most obnoxious. It just is not very gentle or sympathetic. It would all speak volumes more if you expressed it like this:

"DSD1 has a more complex living arrangement. She's been through a lot of changes - right now she's living in three homes, and next month she moves again to her bio-dad's. The adults in her life seem to want to compensate for this difficult arrangement by buying her excess material 'stuff'. DSD1 finds it hard to handle this appropriately, and seems to latch onto this stuff as proof of her own importance and worth. This means that sometimes she brags about the amount that she has to her siblings, and at times this can come across as quite obnoxious. It sometimes makes the other kids feel resentful. I really want to help her feel secure and loved, and am unsure how to handle her bragging behavior."

What a difference that would make. If you could reframe this in your mind, I think that you could help improve your other kids' responses to dsds, and also help her in managing this very difficult, sad situation your dsd is in.

i have described it that way, to social workers, her therapist etc. but for you guys i wanted to make it short. let's not beat around the bush here.

[Smithie]

I am actually OK with the no-beating-around-the-bush, as long as YOU understand the the obnoxious behavior stems from terrible insecurity. Which you obviously do.

On behalf of the entire human race, thank you for taking in this child when her mother dropped the ball. I hope that her move to her biodad's home is the best thing for her, you and all the kids and adults involved.

[StrawberryTech]

Originally Posted by Lovemy3babies

I think they should be able to bring their stuff home. Not candy, if you dont feed you kids that way anyway, then haveing 5 lbs of candy is pointless. If it is soley because you dont think it is fair, so you dont want them having it, then no, I think that is wrong. Maybe put it in a big jar so everyone can have a peice.

I think that this is a good way to handle it...let the kids and the other parents know that if it is brought home, it will be divided and shared. If that's not wanted then keep it at the other house maybe...?

[MrsSurplus]

Originally Posted by Smithie

On behalf of the entire human race, thank you for taking in this child when her mother dropped the ball. I hope that her move to her biodad's home is the best thing for her, you and all the kids and adults involved.

:

[GoodNamesGone]

I think I finally understand what is going on... that was hard to follow!

Sounds to me like so long as you keep talking, the other parent's involved are listening. That's awesome! Hang in there when it's frustrating, seems that the adults involved (you included) have the kid's interests at heart and are listening.

I TOTALLY would have sent the baskets "home" - I'd also have done it the same way, "Hey, wouldn't you like to take this to your mother's house?"

We do that trick all the time with the obnoxious toys she buys them