What do you do when a friend calls you a bad parent?

[JaneSmith1010]

I just had a friend call me a bad- negligent child abuser- parent. I trusted her and thought she was open minded, but turns out she is in awe of traditional western medicine. I'm really upset and feel scarred. Like I need to go into hiding, as if I'm already not.

[angie7]

First of all, I wouldn't be friends with them anymore. Sometimes it's best to keep our decisions to ourselves, many people can't handle it.

[JaneSmith1010]

I am not friends with her anymore. Make no mistake. I just hate that it makes me doubt myself. I plan to shut my mouth, but you know how that goes. You want to share your experiences with someone and I thought she was safe. I am already tending towards being 'antisocial' and this just throws me back into my shell.

I wonder how many non-vaxers we are? How large a percentage of the population and are we really screwing ourselves and everyone else? I need to re-read my information I guess. (Crying inside)

[an_domhan]

Originally Posted by jhow32000

I just had a friend call me a bad- negligent child abuser- parent. I trusted her and thought she was open minded, but turns out she is in awe of traditional western medicine. I'm really upset and feel scarred. Like I need to go into hiding, as if I'm already not.

This is likely not the only person you'll abandon in your course of discovery. You'll end up reaching out to those that share your views, and maybe reaching a few along the way.

Hiding isn't a bad thing. Helps sort stuff out. Sorry you're feeling bad... it's a stepping stone. Move on from this relationship.

[lauradbg]

jhow32000, first of all Secondly, I think vaccination is the last faith based bit of medicine that liberal sometimes otherwise open minded people cling to. The marketing job has been done so successfully for so many decades that nonvaccinators are seen as the negligent/abusive/unwashed/disease ridden people who are keeping viruses alive by our poor choices. If only we would vaccinate like every bit of medicine and science says we should, everything would be OK.

We're seen as negligent or ignorant and anti-science, when I bet we do far more research and asking of critical questions than those who blindly accept what the ped says and then shoot up their kids with the latest round of toxins.

That said, I am mostly under a rock. My in-laws don't know what we do medically. Only some of my IRL friends know and until the last few months, I chose not to write about it on my blog where I rail against every wrong that I see. My blog, where no one knows who I am--no name, no town, etc.

My mom is under a rock too and doesn't admit to her exercising friends that the only medical care my parents have is through a cranial sacro massage therapist. They are on no medications and are 80 and 74 years old.

Most of the world does not get homebirth, homeschooling, extended breastfeeding, alternative medicine, drinking raw milk...I could go on and on. It is freakish to them, and if our health care choices in any way seem to impinge on the health of their kids, it is to be hated.

They are afraid of disease. They think vaccines prevent all. In light of that, why would anyone choose something differently?

Stay under a rock and only come out when it's absolutely OK to do so. You can come out here. You can come out on a blog. You can come out in comments on other people's blogs.

It's very difficult to find like minded people.

I have a very good friend who sees most things as I do except she believes in mainstream medicine. She doesn't castigate me for my choices, but she didn't want to learn any more about it either. To preserve our friendship, we agreed to not talk about vaccination and to accept that we both love our kids and are each doing what we think is right for them.

Be very selective about who you talk to about vaccines and about what you say.

[FernG]

Originally Posted by lauradbg

Be very selective about who you talk to about vaccines and about what you say.

I agree. Most people will admit that Hep B at birth, chicken pox, and possibly the flu shot (if you give them some stats) are unnecessarily. I usually just mention things about those specific vaccines if someone seems open. If you are in extremely prolife circles, they will also mostly respect the decision to not use vaccines cultured in fetal tissue cell lines. I always wait for an indication that the person I'm talking to is questioning the CDC schedule. I never let anyone know that DD is entirely unvaccinated. I just try to get people to question the schedule and to do their own research.

[KayCSmommy]

Originally Posted by jhow32000

I just had a friend call me a bad- negligent child abuser- parent. I trusted her and thought she was open minded, but turns out she is in awe of traditional western medicine. I'm really upset and feel scarred. Like I need to go into hiding, as if I'm already not.

Oh, don't worry! I have learned not to tell people because most freak out and think that I am crazy. Its better just not to discuss vaccines with the main stream population.

[LindsayK]

Yeah, I am kind of under a rock, too. On the one hand, I want to shout info from the rooftops, but sadly, who would listen? And it would most certainly impact my little one in a negative way. One of my dearest childhood friends is having a baby though. He and his wife are very well educated, thinking people. I decided that it was worth it for me to do a little poking, and so we chatted online yesterday. Here's how it went (names have been changed to protect the uneducated...)
~~~~

Lindsay: hey there

Jack: hey you

Lindsay: I'm sure Jill is already all over this, but have you two started researching vaccinations and stuff for your little bean? It was something I wish I had started earlier in my pregnancy - just thought I would mention it

Jack: she probably knows what's up
i figure the doctor takes care of all of that

Lindsay: well, you can certainly have the doc take care of it, and then he/she will put your little one on the CDC standard schedule

Jack: sounds fine w/me

Lindsay: however, you may want to do some reading so you can better understand what they're getting jabbed with

Jack: heh
so, are you one of those "vaccinations cause autism" folks?

Lindsay: no, autism is really the least of my worries. I mean, I think if you give an immune compromised child 10 vaccinations in one day then, yeah, you're probably going to have problems. What I really have a problem with is the “one size fits all schedule” the CDC has

Jack: sounds reasonable

Lindsay: - vaccines have changed a lot since we were kids! for example, Hep B the day they're born. I only started reading about vaccines when I found out that they wanted to jab DD with Hep B on day 1, and I was like, WTH?

Jack: heh yeah
that's a little nuts. I mean, when's the kid going to get it?

Lindsay: so, anyway, just throwing it out there!

Jack: thanks for the heads up
i'll be sure to talk w/Jill about it
she's got a stack of books and websites
it's a little crazy

(the conversation moves on to other topics…)

~~~~~

So, I think the conversation met its intended goal (bring awareness to the importance of vaccine decisions) without alienating my friend, or leading him to think that we just fell off the crazy wagon. We have a very long friendship, so it was important to me both that we stay friends, but I also really care about his kid, too!

[Baby_Vol]

((HUGS))

I also do not share my choice with anyone. It's just too much for some people, so I stay quiet. I'm social in other ways, but I keep this choice to myself.

[Deborah]

The Hep B vaccine at birth is a very good place to start with any expectant parents. Most don't know about this (what happened to informed consent) and when they hear about it most parents go "WTF" and start asking questions.

The other thing that can be mentioned is the number of shots being given. Just saying that babies are given 8 doses of vaccine in various combinations at 2 months is a wake up call for many people.

[medusaatemydog]

Sometimes it's better just to plant a seed and not go into details about your medical background... there will always be an ugly monster to fight, take the good with the bad and try not to let the bad eat you up inside... be strong and believe in yourself and do the best you can... do not live your life based on what someone else may think...what matters is the person living in your skin and that beautiful child that depends on you to protect them.... Governments and other people do not raise my child... I DO and i just keep going and i will defend my right to my body and my childs' body till my last breath and then from beyond... personally i don't use pediatricains i find them extremely unethical and corrupt, detached and desensitized, i also feel that thier practice is based on medical propaganda and profit profit profit... what would happen to them if everyone knew the truth? what would happen to them without mandated medicine? no vaccines=pediatrician out of work.

[1littlebit]

most of my friends and family know but they also know that anyone who feels compelled to criticize my parenting choices had better come prepared because i am not the least bit interested in their opinion unless the it comes in the form of a well reasoned argument supported by reputable sources.

if your not the argumentative type then i would probably keep quitet.

[JaneSmith1010]

thanks so much for your replies. Please keep them coming. I try to stay selective about who I tell, but this friend is very open minded about most things and was soliciting the info. That is why this was so traumatizing. I didn't go into details and didn't bicker. I merely ended the friendship.
My relatives know as I DGRA what argument/discussion I have about it with them. None of them will disown me for it or call me a bad parent. I have made some awesome friends that also do not vaccinate (helps that he is an MD). I really like them and am doing my best to cultivate a deep, life long relationship between our families. Things have been too 'conincidentally' ....uh...um.....perfect between our families. Anyway, please keep soothing my heart!

[Deborah]

remember that the only one who can judge your heart and soul is you.

your former friend's remarks say a lot about her and nothing about you.

[mommyofemma]

I know it's hard to just blow it off, because my nurse friend called me when she found out I didn't vax and told me what I was doing was dangerous, so pretty much saying Im a parent parent also. I just tried to explain to her my feelings on the subject and left it at that...but I havent talked to her since, and don't really care if I ever do again. I don't really see the need in being friends with someone who wont even consider your side, I didn't say she had to agree with me, but what I do as a parent concering vaxing is my choice. Keep your head held high, and do what you believe is best for your child.

[mommy2jonah]

Sorry she called you that. I have not had that experience (yet), although I may have been called that w/o my knowledge. I am very selective of whom I tell. I am sure my ILs would have a cow if they knew what we did, one reason being we have traveled out of the country 3 times with our DS who is unvaxed. They would always question me with, does he need any extra vaccines to go there? Of course he doesn't need any extra vaccines not telling them he has had none.
I am the type that wants to get the word out there but I find it hard to talk about it. I am becoming more bold and will just ask questions or try to start conversations with friends that are new parents.