Our Relationship has become very negative (aka I suck as a mom)

[mommahhh]

This makes me sad. PLEASE, I really need an outside opinion on this. I cannot seem to figure out if I really just am not very good at this parenting thing, or if my child is extra challenging (I'm not around other kids, so I truly don't know!!).

My child is 6 and has always been a bit challenging (lots of temper tantrums, short-fuse, can get hyper, intense, etc). But lately we are going through a very negative phase. It feels like she fights me on everything. I'll admit that I do have some depression issues so that may be coloring things. I just don't know. Yes, I'm trying to seek help for that.

Just to give you an idea...she argues/yells/whines over brushing her teeth, eating breakfast, what I've made her to take for lunch, getting dressed, brushing her hair. My stomach is acid by the time I get her to school. I am a quiet, introverted type of person and all this arguing is wearing me out. I just want a calm environment and that isn't happening. And somehow (it probably is my actions, but I'm not sure), these things escalate sometimes to where I can't take her mouthy rude behavior any more and I'll physically bring her to her room (for a "time out"...I tell her to stay in there and look at books until she can stop the whining/yelling). Those times are awful because she's physically fighting me all the way. NOT the way I want to spend my morning, 20 minutes after waking up!

There are just so many things. She is generally a good kid, but there is a LOT of negativity surrounding our relationship. She spends all day at school so it really makes me feel crappy to have our time together completely wrecked by negative stuff. She mostly just acts like this with ME. It can be as simple as going to the grocery store and if I don't buy her the bag of junk food (which I rarely do anyway!) she turns mad, moody and generally unpleasant for the rest of the trip (thereby stressing me out).

I know about unconditional parenting, but I feel like I'm not practicing it. I get so upset with her and then I get cold and robot-like. I am probably creating lots of bad childhood memories for her to tell to her therapist 20 years from now.

[A&A]

First of all, does she get enough sleep? She needs at least 10--11 hours of sleep a night at her age.

6 is a very "independent" age. (They get frustrated because they can't be as independent as they would like to be.) My ds is right there, too. Choices help. "Would you like to brush your teeth by yourself or have me help you?"
"What would you like to eat for breakfast today?" "Would you like to get dressed now or in 5 minutes?" "Would you like to watch TV while you get dressed or get dressed in your room?" etc.

[pauletoy]

I have 5 year old who is much like what you describe. Everything is a challenge. I also struggle with depression. He and I feed off each other and it just spirals. I have started new treatment for the depression and am more positive and upbeat and oddly enough his behavior has improved along with mine.

Maybe as your mental state improves, your child's behavior will improve.

Take care of yourself, mama, I know what you are going through.

[HarperRose]

My dd and I went through the same thing when she was 6 and I was dealing w/ depression at the same time. I got help for the depression and by the time dd was 7 (back in Oct) things were vastly improved!

[mommahhh]

I make sure she gets enough sleep (otherwise she can get really snarly).

So, based on these replies, maybe it is me. I was afraid of that!! Because that means that I'm living in a twilight zone where I really can't recognize how my own actions are causing this. I don't get it!! I wish I had someone watch me and tell me what I'm doing wrong. From my point of view (which could very well be skewed), she is defiant and argumentative for me, but not nearly as bad for her father. They never (ever) have the issues we have. I feel so horrible right now. I literally feel ill.

[sbgrace]

Please read "All Children Flourishing" by Howard Glasser. It's his new book and much better written than his previous ones (and updated as well). But it completely changed the negative patterns here. It's helped many people. His approach is called nurtured heart if you want to google. But that's the book to get. It changed our lives.

[mommahhh]

Originally Posted by sbgrace

Please read "All Children Flourishing"

I will get it.

[coffee.caugh]

i was like that as a child... until i was 18 i hope that is not the case for you and your dd.

ia with what another poster said about offering choices and some indpendence, it can be so frustrating to always be told to do everything instead of having a choice in at least when/how it happens.

i'm sorry you are going through depression. it happens to us all at one time or another as hard as it may be, when you are feeling down, try to push through it because as much as i wish it weren't so, your dd is picking up on your sadness and that can be so hard for children to cope with. and again i went through that with my own mother and was mad at her from at least 5 on up. i felt like she was the baby and i was the mama and it was so unfair feeling.

good luck to you


eta you do not suck as a mom this is just a hard time for you both right now and i am sure you will get through this

[Tjej]

Does your DD know you feel bad about how you two relate? Would it be possible for you to give yourself a "time out" or break when you felt frustrated and upset about her not doing what needs to be done? Would it work to give her a list of things to do before school, and let her take responsibility for doing them herself before she is allowed to leave for school?

Just some ideas. The last week things have been a bit like that in our house... my kids are younger but I know I am dealing with stress from our dog having been attacked and even though I can't see the individual things I'm doing to cause the conflict, I can see that I am just more of a grump with a short fuse so things that wouldn't normally be a problem suddenly are.

Tjej

[Learning_Mum]

I suffer from depression as well, and I know with DS1 I withdraw and don't interact as much which in turns means he acts out to get some attention. I think he can feel very pushed away by me which really can't make him feel good, so it's no wonder his behaviour can get bad some times.

I try really hard to keep my cool with him, and make sure I give him lots of cuddles and tell him how much I love him, even when I don't necessarily feel it. I also push myself to do something with him, like read him a story, or build some blocks. Stuff that he enjoys that doesn't involve much effort from me. It makes him happier just spending that time with me.

[MommytoTwo]

I can relate mama. My 6.5 yr old son is just ... challenging. He just exhausts me. I dont have any advice, just wanted to say you arent alone.