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supervised visitation? - Page 2

post #21 of 27
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Smithie View Post
Sounds like you've made the arrangement that bets suits your child's needs at this time! Good on you!

(And honestly, isn't he coming into the age where he might be developing the a healthy, normal desire to avoid contact with a very messed-up person? I don't know what the legal obstacles are, but psychologically I'm not sure if it's a problem if he's starting to disentangle himself from him mom.)
I know, I agree, that is something I've been mentally working on. When he was younger, I really learned from him that he needed to have contact with her even though she was messed up and dissappointed him. It was hard to admit, but he needed to see his mom, regardless of her craziness and we needed to find a way to make it safe for him to do that. Now that he is older, I do think it seems normal and healthy to be able to pull yourself away from someone who is hurting you, disappointing you, or just generally in an unhealthy mental stage. How many people do we know who remain in unhealthy relationships? It might be good for him to start making those decisions. She was texting him for a few days and I could tell it was upsetting him. Dh asked her to respect the fact that he asked for no contact at the present and that dss would contact her when he was ready. She seems to have agreed because the texting stopped. I don't know how long she'll let that go, though. He is old enough, legally, to start making those decisions, and if he is sure of it, we'll help him with what he wants to do.
post #22 of 27
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jeannine View Post
Sorry, I wasn't clear: Obviously, a parent may have done something that makes supervised visits absolutely necessary! My only point was that, if SV is ordered, it should be arranged such that each visit is not in jeopardy of cancellation, because the non-custodial parent is scrambling to come up with the money to pay the supervisory service, or having to choose between paying support and paying to see the child. And that happens.

My case is not at all the same as Flor's, but yes, we've had some experience with SV. My husband (who now has sole custody of his child) has an ex who was determined to marginalize him, in their son's life. One of her many methods was to repeatedly seek any excuse to request SV. (To give you a taste, once she requested it based solely on my [now] husband and I starting to date. Our sons were already friends, so sometimes we did things together with the kids. Mom complained that my [now] step-son knew and had a good relationship with me before the dating, for his dad to "pursue" me was a "malicious attempt to sabotage their son's support network" and that, "Visitation is for parent and child to have contact with each other, not for them to engage in social gaiety together." !?!?)

Only once did the court actually order SV for my husband (temporarily, until Mom's latest "abuse" allegation was investigated and thrown out), but that allegation and the SV conveniently fell during a period when he was between jobs, had huge lawyer/court-ordered mediator/C-O psychologist bills from the custody battle, and was trying to keep up with hefty C/S payments that were based on his previous income. And then, suddenly, seeing his child cost $100/hour! And if he didn't have it, Mom's story line was that he "didn't care about visitation".

Thankfully, not every custodial parent in an SV scenario is like my husband's ex. But even when SV is needed, no one should be cavalier in saying, "Just hire someone to do it." Care must be taken so that supervision is workable. If "the powers that be" have determined it is still in the child's best interest to have a relationship with that parent, then the child should never be denied a visit just because that parent can't afford to pay the supervisor, that week. That's all I meant.
That makes sense. In our case the SV is because of drug possession, probation violation and a conviction of child endangerment. She is also an addict, so it isn't in order to complicate her life. She doesn't pay CS or attorney's fees. However, she is on SSI for mental illness, so I doubt she'll be forced to pay anything. I'm not sure what options that leaves.
post #23 of 27
Thread Starter 
A bit of an update, dh went to court today to testify on behalf of the father of his ex's other children. The judge ordered SV in their case, but dh said there was no mention of an outside agency. The mother was told to find a person to supervise. She suggested her boyfriend and his mother, the judge wasn't happy with that. The stepmother of the children offered, and the judge said that would be ok temporarily, but the dynamics of the stepmom being in charge wasn't necessarily a good one, so the mother should find someone else. Maybe dss will go along during their SV when he is ready.


(sorry if it is hard to keep track of all these people! dss's mother has 2 other children with her exboyfriend. the court case involve those children since dss was not home at the last incident when she was arrested)
post #24 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by Smithie View Post
Ultimately, though, I'm not sure that it's fair for you to own this problem. IIRC, your dss is old enough to understand explanations like "your mom loves you, but she's made some really terrible choices that have created legal obstacles to her being alone with you right now. Your dad and I really hope that she can fix the problems in her life so that you can visit her again soon."
I will agree it isn't fair for you to own the problem, as you didn't create it. But I also feel that DSS, old enough or not, didn't create the problem. It sounds like you are all working through this as a family and together coming up with a situation where everyone is comfortable. Understanding a statement logically as stated above and grasping it on an emotional level are two seperate things. And all though explaining it is his mom that has caused this...it doesn't make up for the emotional pain of not having her around. Good or Bad, she is his bio Mom. Is there a friend that might be neutral?
post #25 of 27
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Freud View Post
I'm a visitation supervisor. I work for an agency that contracts with the state. It does cost a lot of money, especially for people who see their kids for many hours per visit. I write reports to the court about my observations. The visits take place in the parent's home. The custodial parent is responsible for transporting them to and from the visits.

The judge can order a supervisor or can allow family and friends to supervise. Neutral parties are best when supervising, but attorneys will still nit pick what is contained within the reports no matter who writes them.
Just wondering, what do you do when you supervise. Dh and I were talking about if I had to supervise and I realized we had very different ideas about what that looks like. If you are at a park, do you just keep them within sight, or do you need to be close enough to hear the conversation? Do you step in at any point?


sugarpop-- do you mean a friend to supervise? No, she doesn't really have any friends.
post #26 of 27
biofather has supervised visits with almost 2 year old. 1 hour, twice a week with me or my mother there. he is supposed to be flexible, so if we are at the playground and she wants to go after 45 mins, he can get the other 15 later.

he agreed to it because besides my mother, father, df, and a close friend, she will not simply ride off with someone she does not know.

so far its been ok. i dont speak to him, but we i encourage her to interact with him, and I think he sees that its very necessary for me to be there, and if I get up to use the restroom she follows me.

He asked for Social Services to make an evaluation after 1 month to see if he could have unsupervised, and i said there's no way she'll be ready, but lets try 2 months. I honestly dont' think after even 2 months she'll be ready....
post #27 of 27
Thread Starter 
Just an update of sorts. It has been 3 months since dss's mother was arrested. He has refused to see her since then. I've been closely watching the court cases of her other children because I figure that once he is ready to see her, we'll do whatever supervised visitation they are doing with the younger children. At first, their stepmom was supervising, but the mother's parents came once during the visitation and got in an argument with the stepmom and refused to give the kids back to her (well, did eventually but big scene). So they went back to court and now the supervisor is the mom's mom and the judge ordered that she videotape the vistitation. I can't imagine this working out for long. The grandma has to drive an hour to get here and is flaky then has to supervise for the 3 hour visit and videotape it. Dss is still upset with his mom. He doesn't want to talk to her and is disgusted with her drug use. So far she hasn't tried to force visitation and we've had his little brothers over almost every weekend for visits. He is 14 now, so it will be interesting to see if a judge would order him to against his wishes. I'm expecting her to file something soon.
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