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Sort of S/O of fairness in our blended homes... - Page 2

post #21 of 25
okay, I am getting seriously annoyed for you, because it sounds more and more to me like your dh is (unconciously or consciously) setting you up to be resentful of your dsd. He is accusing you of being unfair, and by doing so making you feel like you have to be exactly fair (or fair to his specifications) therefore making you wish that you didn't even have to deal with the whole problem to begin with! (this is my take, not the OPs words, and by problem I mean the question of fairness, not dsd )
It is a viscious cycle, which I went through too by the way. It is sad to miss out on that first baby stuff with your partner
post #22 of 25
Well in our house we have an entire wall "shrine" to DSD because this was his/her house before we moved in. There are many more pics of her than my kids/our baby girl because that's just the way it was...

it does make me feel weird, but I'm more of an album girl not a wall picture person..

but I know how you feel, really. MIL came a few months ago and said "where are all your pictures" I just feel funny hanging them up I guess.
post #23 of 25
Originally Posted by JSMa View Post
I would have loved to have a photo done with DD as a Mommy/daughter photo... but I couldn't because it was unfair to DSD. They are both my daughters and I do love them both, but it is different... and DD well, is the first I actually gave birth to.

Sometimes I am sad that I have to deal with all this extra stuff and constantly think what is fair and what isn't... makes me feel like I missed out on a lot of first time baby stuffs.
Again crashing in here as a first wife/mom whatever have you...

My exdp and I have two girls together. He has a new girlfriend.

If he and his girlfriend have a child together, I sure as heck hope she WOULD have mommy/baby shots done. I have those special pictures with my girls...

My two girls are six and sixteen months. I never had pregnancy pictures done my first time around, and I did the second. Does this mean I love dd2 more? NO. It means I had more time and money, lol. I have them proudly on display too - I love them.

And I know for a fact that exdp would have NO issue with this, none at all. It's almost like you are being restricted from fully enjoying your new child, or punished in some way. I'm so sorry for all the emotional upheaval mama.
post #24 of 25
I'm a biomom with an XP (biodad) and DP (stepdad) both actively involved with DD. She lives with DP and I, but sees XP about 6 times (and one ovenight) a week. We're (DP&I!!) planning another baby soon. My parents were married to one another and my brother was my full-sibling (also have 4 half-siblings) and it STILL wasn't fair! I think focussing on fairness as an arbitrary thing that can be counted like photos is only going to make the kids see these things a) all the time, and actively look for them and b) really quite shallowly. Love is NOT pictures. Love, as you know, is sleepless nights, worrying about things or BFing or cuddling nightmares away, driving when you're shattered to make sure they get to/from activities/home, finding another ounce of inner reserves when you thought you were empty so you can give them what they need. None of those things can be doled out "evenly" - you cannot BF your big DSD, nor can you set and alarm clock to make sure you don't spend too many minutes worrying about one and not the other.

I really think counselling is the way to go for you and DH. He has serious issues in this adjustment and whether his behaviour is "ok" or not with any of us, it is stressing you out and that will affect your kids, step and bio.

Him saying you can't have one additional photo of DD is as strange as you were to say DSD's dance pic has to come down until DD can dance! Some people are more "just so" about this, but for me, unless our kids are talking about it then i won't be focussing on it. You can't put a bigger pic of DSD up because you don't have one, not because you deliberately didn't get one because you don't love her! And you don't have dance pics of DD because she's not old enough to be able to dance, not because you don't love HER.

I really feel for you, it sounds like there is a bunch of craziness going on in your home and you're spening half your time hurt by it and the other half wondering if it's YOU who's being unreasonable. I have been there! It's hard!

The bottom line is that you CANNOT go on being punished directly or indirectly for the pain he *thinks* DSD may suffer due to the arrival of her new sister. His guarding and hostility is only going to make her more focussed on the rivalry and not the joy of being a big sister.

On a personal note, i have almost nothing in DD's baby book beyond 6 weeks, because 2 weeks after that i split from her dad, 8 weeks later i moved out and the months following were a tough journey of poverty and hardship trying to get a good enough relationship to XP going and getting to know my new DP who she didn't spend any time with for the first 12 months of our relationship (even though i'd known him for 5 years before we got together). I had nothing to write that wouldn't have been about how hard life was, how difficult her father was making life, how poor we were. I don't want her to read back how bloody terrible it was having her because i adore her and never, even in my darkest moments, regretted her being with me, but equally i have no idea the face she pulled when she first got food into her mouth, or the exact day she cut her first tooth bcause i was too busy making sure we both survived. I would have loved to record all the normal joys and stresses of her babyhood, and i will hopefully be able to do so with the next, but if they check, later on, and compare, there will be no "equal" there. Life is NOT fair.
post #25 of 25
As coming from a blended family... it used to hurt me (well, okay, still does) that my half-sister (my mom and step-dad's child) always had more pictures on the walls. It wasn't by much, either... there are TONs of pictures in my mom's house. So I do get that, but I don't think one picture makes that much difference. But if it's a big picture... well, yeah.
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