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Unconditional Parenting Chapter 5: Pushed to Succeed

post #1 of 9
Thread Starter 
Share your notes and thoughts here!
post #2 of 9
I need to read this book, if the title of this chapter appears to be what I think it is about!
post #3 of 9
i think i may have been abandoned over in ch 4 thread...so here i am, i found you!!!

i'm having an issue right now w/ UPing my dd. i feel to nip her behavior in the bud i am needing to resort to more of a dr. sears approach from their book "the discipline book". i don't agree w/ everything and am more of a TI mama than a TO mama... but i have to admit, i put the reward board back up and my dd's goals now are to mind me and my mom, to be nice, no teasing.

dd is having huge 'acting out' issues at school (not to mention here at home and w/ her friends' on playdates...). i feel like we keep going round and round. or maybe its just cuz i go to extremes...either i'm very calm, loving and patient and am a UPing mama..actually i think i don't have that down yet cuz i think i'm more permissive than UPing when it comes to my dd's nasty attitude or mean-ness towards her friends...i don't know how to UP her on out of that...she won't budge.

.or the other extreme is that i get fed up and angry and wind up way too authoritative and downright frightening. i frighten myself when i'm like that.

so. i don't know how else to end this nasty cycle but to do the reward board and have goal rewards and then have consequences that result in something taken away... it is working so far. i've been calm for the most part and she responds to this very well. so i'm somewhere in the middle of where i was. i'm following thru for sure. i don't know how to do it in an alfie way........my dd was awful to her friends at school yesterday and i got desperate.

i'm embarassed to admit this on here but for now, that's the way i'm going to parent dd... until this all stops for more than a week and then i'll probably go back to UP. sigh.

this is all my fault, i know...for not being consistent in my parenting UP. i feel just awful. but you know, i was raised extremely inconsistently so i can see why i am too now that my dd is older...when she was younger it was so much easier for me to UP. now that i'm a single mom again and she is 6.5yo............enough said. lol i'll still hang on here though and learn...
post #4 of 9

Here is what I think re: your situation. I do not think it is a bad idea for you to go to conventional discipline w/ your daughter given all of the info that you have told us. You have said that you cycle w/ her, being all warm & fuzzy, then harsh and nasty. That is not good for her or for you. Think of your behaviour chart as training wheels. You are working v hard to become a better mama, you cant expect to be able to do it all overnight. You know where you want to get to in regards to how you would like to parent your dd, you just need some help getting there. I would keep the chart and current plan for at least a month so that you both get used to it. When she sees you being consistent, and you see yourself sticking w/ a method, it will help to relax you both. She will know what to expect and you will feel confident in your parenting abilities. You will not have to flounder and wonder what to do, you have the chart to help you! THEN, after at least a month, when you have had time to show her and you that you can be even-tempered, start introducing more UP tactics and cut back on the behaviour chart stuff. I think a week is way too short of a time if you are trying to demonstrate to a child that "this is the new way" and you are really going to be consistent this time. At the same time, you can continue to UP your son b/c he is not old enough to have developed all of this baggage w/ your relationship.
post #5 of 9
First I'll just note that the title of chapter 5 is actually Pushed to Succeed BTW....
At first i thought well what kohn says should be kept in mind but doesn't really apply to me yet (having a 2 yr old and infant) but then i realized that in a way it does. especially when you know other people with kids of similar age- the mines already doing this, dc did this dc did that starts. I realize it more when i hear the grandparents boosting of dc's latest accomplishments aka "basking in reflected glory". sure we're all proud but creeping in is this my dc is better than your dc. one thing that i think of as well is my MIL boosting of how young she had dh reading i'm like he'll get it when he gets it....
"happiness is more important than success" this i agree with big time! i don't think dh or i will have to much trouble with this down the road. i was raised with do your best i was never told to fit any image (my aunt even commented that she notced how different my brothers and i all were but yet also completely ourselves ) dh on the other hand was raised with much more of an expectation of how he would turn out. "dear" mil still has issues to this day with trying to fit her grown sons into the roles she imagines for them (grr) but on the positive side because of this struggle dh also sees that happiness is most important for our dc!
and one last note-i see and agree about the grades issue however i think a lot more needs to be done than to just get rid of grading. i admit that by being graded i feel into well whats the easiest way to get the a routine. then i went to a college without traditional grading and well if you havn't been motivated to learn it doesn't just suddenly appear.

and doublyblessed-good luck! at least you are thinking and trying with an open mind! i guess i also want to add that having expectations like don't treat me like crap isn't not UP. i think you need to do what works for you and then i think you'll be able to use more and more UP methods.
post #6 of 9
Originally Posted by mommabear207 View Post
First I'll just note that the title of chapter 5 is actually Pushed to Succeed BTW....
lol i thought the title of ch 5 sounded somehow odd and unfamiliar!!! how FUNNY.

man...when i get too pooped out from a whining clingy baby or from too little sleep or 'me' time...or am sick...i'm just awful. i start yelling back at my dd when she's rude or uncooperative...i wish i could stop this yelling habit. now my ds will 'yell' in his own way, back at her. ugh. i guess i need to work even HARDER at this. i know it doesn't have to be hard but sometimes it is quite challenging for me when i feel that way. maybe i could go drop my kids off at this one place that has drop-in childcare. its a play place. my dd likes it. i know they have care on weekends which is when i most need it. lol
post #7 of 9
hi mamas. its me db. i changed my user id. i just felt this one was much more fitting...

i haven't personally found anything in this chapter that really stood out for my family life or my childhood... and nothing i didn't already feel about the subject.

one thing i am still struggling w/ and cannot seem to get past is how defiant my dd is...i don't wish to be her authoritarian but i mean she often just won't listen. she did this w/ my ex fiance as well...from age 3 til we left when my dd was almost 5. by defiant and not listening i mean that she just won't stop when i tell her to stop. most of the time i tell her to stop. my ex's famous words often to my dd were "QUIT!" and "STOP!" she wouldn't back down. ie. giving my ds more yogurt w/ honey or agave in it... whining or yelling back at me that she hates me, hates her brother and hates it here, etc. because she doesn't get her way about something (i wouldn't let her put in a cat game CD again that she got from wendy's in her kids meal because something about it screwed w/ my display size on the laptop...it was chaos trying to fix it but i did it...) the good thing though is tonight she was saying how she hates how she is acting and she hates how i am acting. that was definitely progress saying she hates how she was acting. wow.

i am so drained tonight from these 2 kids i could scream. my ds has been clingy and whiney all day. i am pretty sure he's gotten cold and in the beginngs of it. my dd doesn't want to stop doing what i tell her to stop doing. i have no relief. i'm goint to take a hot bath once they are asleep. boy do i need it. i can hear my dd drawing very passionately upstairs on some paper and this is good...art therapy. she is emulating what i do when i'm upset or angry...this is good!!! this is SO GOOD!!!
post #8 of 9
Thread Starter 
br formely known as db-

I don;t have anything form this chapter or the next that really popped out at me either. I did fix the thread title though.

you sound frazzled at the moment! I have had weeks and months like that myself. It's hard figuring all this stuff out and once you think you get it you are thrown for a loop!
post #9 of 9
i took a NVC (non-violent communication) aka CC (compassionate communication) class this past saturday at my local peace center, and also am taking a parenting class tues nights now..which i enjoy. turns out it is more about 'making parenting a pleasure' and taking care of ourselves as parents...how when we do that we are better able to be there for our kids...in this last week i have done SO MUCH for myself...which in turn affects my dc, of course...

i LOVED the NVC class. i highly recommend it for those of you considering it or have not heard of it before. (its based on marshall rosenbergs' books/teachings) there is a parenting NVC class starting this june and i will be taking that too along w/ going to practice groups any day now... this NVC stuff has been sooo helpful.

i also have decided to for sure be a radically unschooling family. : i'm so happy that i've finally gotten to a place of not only trusting my dc but of trusting my SELF. and accepting that our way is our way... we don't have to RU anyone elses way. not sandra dodd's or whomever...............ours.

my dd and i have been doing so well. i've been loving and kind and empowering her. she is thriving on it. blooming. as am i as her mama...

i need to check to see if you guys have moved on to ch 6. ch 5 bored me. i just never had those expectations of being pushed to succeed placed on me by anyone that i can recall...............i DO however have the experience in public schools and colleges of being told that i was 'not living up to my potential' and that i am very 'bright... but...'. and that was that. so there was pressure yet not much support or reflection or concern on possibly WHY i was not living up to my potential. i still am not but i'm getting there..............

"i'm in repair" as john mayer says...............

as for pushing my kids to 'succeed'...the only thing i'm guilty of is maybe overly encouraging (and sorta round-aboutly demanding) that my daughter be an unschooled kid instead of a waldorf school educated kid. i have since learned thru NVC that i have feelings and needs and one of those needs as the mother of my dc is to unschool them...set them free. and that its ok for me to have my own mama needs in regards to my dc... and to express these feelings and reasons... i don't think i need to feel guilt or that i am selfish for wanting to evolve into an unschooling family. it isn't just about my kids...its about me too...who i'm about...what i believe. so. yeah. i don't consider that pushing to succeed. its empowering these precious children to live and learn in true freedom.
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