I have had it!!!!!!!

[Solange]

Ok..I will try to break this small as I can but I need to vent and I need someone to tell me what the H*** I am doing wrong here...


Let's see..
I have two SIL's
Last year SIL 'a' (my dh's brothers wife)and I had a blow out...due to parenting differences...she is a CIO-spanker-yada yada....MIL was involved due to a email I sent MIL stating I did not want MIL hitting my ds b/c I see her do it with my SIL's ds and so she showed the letter to SIL and there you have the blow out....(yes-dh knows and told me to handle it) I am told repeatedly that I make her uncomfortable with the way I parent my son.

Now My brothers wife SIL 'b' who was once an AP'er but she has since switched to the other side is throwing attitude all over the place for the past month. I am thinking she is just wigging out b/c of her job and things...but come to find that she is p.o.'ed at me b/c of an email I sent my *father* whom I do not have a relationship with ...but SIL and the man are tighter than tight.
The email content was no plastic battery operated junk for my ds...wood toys nice or books, clothes or $$. My *Father* thinks he is justified in coming around only for holidays...so my email was short not sweet and for him.
Well, SIL finds out about and then takes offense to it and says that I attacked her and my brother too by that email b/c they have spent their hard earned money on my son and bought him plastic toys too.

Anywho it goes on and on to the point where once again I am being told that I make them uncomfortable with my parenting.

That extended nursing is not normal...

that not letting my ds be away w/o myself or dh is unhealthy....

that not liking the word butt or fart is just going to the extreme...

need I go on......

why do they haunt me...
I honestly tell you I have never said anything to them about how they parent....but they have everything to say to me about how I do mine....
Yes behind closed doors dh and I do discuss thier parenting but that is as far as it goes....

I am sooo sick of the BS....
what am I supposed to do....
I am tired of doing what feels right in my heart then being judged b/c I am not doing what everyone else is doing.....

Blasted!!!!!

[captain optimism]

Wow, your sister-in-law is closer with your dad than you are. Oy.

Okay, I'm working on a way to deal with these situations. I got it from the book, Becoming the Parent You Want to Be. It goes like this: honor the positive impulse (if you can find one!) affirm the relationship, set a limit. It's a GD way of working with children, translated to work with adults. (I just watched a mom I admire do this with her seven year old. In fact she was the one who gave me the book!)

What is the positive impulse behind your SIL A saying she is uncomfortable with how you parent your son? Hmmm. I'm digging around in your story...how about, she feels connected to your son and wants to help you, eh...set limits with him? Does that sound anything like it could be true? I don't like hitters, but I'm trying to find a positive impulse here! Let's pretend it's true. "Thank you, dear A, for your concern. I am glad that you feel comfortable with your method of regulating your son's behavior. The way we are doing things is right for our family. I hope you can get over your discomfort so that we can ..." (what is the desired outcome?) "can, uh, enjoy each other's children when we get together."

Okay that was super awkward. I have SILs whose parenting I totally hate and I am worried that they will try to tell me what to do because they are older than I am. So I don't feel so clear on how you should cope with this. I watched one of my SILs yelling at her niece--so much unneccesary assertion of authority, so ineffective. I think I'd have a hard time if they criticized my parenting.

About SIL B: It's your relationship with your dad. I know you say you don't have a relationship, but of course you can't not have a relationship with your dad, you can only have a terrible relationship with him. What I mean is, she should stick her nose back out of your emails to him. It's not her business and not good manners, even if he showed her the email.

So if I were dealing with this one...I'd probably combine a big thank-you to her for giving nice presents to ds and telling her, very kindly, to stay the heck out of your relationship with your dad. If she grumbles about the plastic thing, you can tell her about how much you appreciated the thought that went into her gifts and that therefore you weren't going to say anything negative...

These people sound difficult. I don't think you are doing anything wrong. People can feel criticized when you do things differently. Hope you can find a good way to mend fences with them.

[pageta]

Okay, just because you drive a Ford Taurus and they drive a Dodge Stratus doesn't mean they are wrong and you are right. The same thing applies to discipline styles. You have the right to choose how YOU want to discipline YOUR children, and they have the same right with theirs. You have the right to ask them not to hit your child. If your SIL wants to hit her child, that's her perrogative. Use the "every child is different" line to explain that you are doing what is best for YOUR child. You may not think that spanking is best for her child, but that is none of your business. I would be very bullheaded about "Live, and let live" if I were in your situation. You have to draw those boundaries and make them clear. They CHOOSE to feel judged, whether you're judging them or not. Be very careful with your attitude (actions speak louder than words, though it's hard sometimes to hide horror when someone is hitting their child). They have no more right to dictate how you parent than you have to dictate how they parent. They are doing to you what they are accusing you of doing to them. That's why I say, draw the boundaries very clearly, and then move on with life. Refuse to participate in any discussion of parenting styles. Stick to your guns with your children. Be strong - YOU CAN DO IT!

[Rachael]

All I have to say is hang in there sister! Only YOU know whats right for you and yours. Just know that here you are supported. Families have a way of turning themselves around, it may take time but eventually they will see that your children are happy and healthy and lay off.