How can I better handle my violent and disrespectful 3.5yo?

[suprgrl]

Someone please tell me what is going on?! What happened to my sweet little boy and how can I handle this in a GD way? Is this at all normal? Will my sweet empathetic little boy ever come back? Have we screwed him up and now he is a violent sociopath?

Up until he was about 3.5 (which is how old he is now) he was sweet, empathetic, would listen and seemed to have an understanding of the feelings of others as well as safety.
Now all of a sudden he has become very violent (hitting his brother - and others - with sticks, throwing things at people).
He is also deliberately doing things he knows isn't safe or has been asked not to.
This is driving me nuts to see him deliberately hurt people.... he used to be so caring (ie. giving people hugs when he would see they were hurt, willingly sharing his toys with his brother).
He's also making messes and breaking things like he never has before.. .like this morning he smeared butter all over the wall in the kitchen!
I end up yelling at him and saying things I shouldn't. I'm so scared he's ruined or something... and I am not sure how to handle it constructively. He doesn't seem to take me at all seriously until I raise my voice. I don't want to raise my voice. He used to listen and "get" things before it got to that point.
Someone please help me out with some perspective and ideas.

[crunchyintexas]

I haven't BTDT, so I can't give you too much in the way of advice.

However, my gut feeling is that he's going through some kind of developmental transition and that, yes, eventually you will get your sweet little boy back.

As for raising your voice, I think if you do it sparingly for the worst offenses, I believe it's acceptable. Sometimes you gotta get a kid's attention.

[annexk8]

OMG, did I sleepwalk to the computer and change my username and write this post? Seriously, I used the word "sociopath" to describe my 3.5 yo DS just yesterday. I hope some people have ideas, because I am out.

[jillmamma]

These are the rules we have to deal with that sort of behavior. If you hit, shove, etc. once, you say sorry and hug the other kid. If it happens again, you can't play with the other child as you are not being nice so you have to do something else. No sticks allowed as they can hurt people. Toys that are thrown have to be put away for awhile because that is not a nice way to play with them. If you make a mess, you help clean it up. If you are just going to make a mess with things, then those things will have to be put away and only gotten out when mom says it is a good time. (playdoh, paints, scissors, etc.) If you can't be trusted to stay safe, you get less privileges. Like, if you are going to run off into the street while out with mom, you have to hold mom's hand rather than walk by yourself. Oh, and I am far from perfect and do my share of yelling when frustrated too. But we try and do the best we can, right?

[cowboyjunki]

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[babsbob]

I notice behavior changes in my kids at their birthdays and half birthdays. I don't know why but it seems like for months after their half birthdays they are kind of cantankerous. It could just be a huge coincidence.

I don't really have any advice - I struggle with staying calm too when my kiddos are aggressive and destructive. I'm going through this with my 2 yo DS. He throws toys, hits, pulls DD's hair and destroys books.

I recommend going out and getting a massage or pedicure, followed by a big decaf mocha latte at the bookstore curled up with a new book or magazine. Or whatever else you like to do. If you are calm and happy it will be easier for everybody!

[terra-pip]

aggressive behavior

i'm new to these forums but this post jumped out at me. I have a 6 year old and a 21 month old, both boys. My oldest has been sweetness and light since he was born....when he needs any kind of discipline it almost never is because of aggressiveness. My toddler on the other hand can get pretty out of control at times. Pulling hair, kicking, biting, crashing and banging into people and toys, pulling people and things down. When he's upset but also just in a physical spirit of play that can be a little overwhelming.

There are times when I don't quite know myself what to do to rein it in when it gets too rough for us or his brother or guests and little friends. But one thing that has helped is to spend some time each day (sometimes a couple times) "roughhousing" with him in a gentle way...tickling, swinging, turning upside down, letting him push with all his might until i fall with him on me in a heap etc. I always use a hand gesture meaning "stop" if he gets too out of control and i feel he will hurt himself or me or it's too intense, or i say "mommy doesn't like to play that way" and walk away across the room or into the kitchin for a spell.

There is a lot of truth in the theory about things becoming harder around birthdays and half birthdays...theres some developmental leaps working themselves out.

My hope is that with patience I can eventually show him how to play without going too far. Not to say that i lose my patience at time...he bloodied my gum line once by head butting me incredibly hard. And once something happens like that he laughs and keeps it up...almost as though he doesn't know how to handle the emotions of doing something that hurts another or himself so he keeps it up and spirals.

I hate that there are times (ok a lot of times) when it seems my kids won't really take me seriously until i raise my voice and get mad....even after numerous repeating of requests and redirections and intervention and distraction etc. I begin to feel like a <gasp> "bad mommy" and then i want to eat chocolate for days!

trying to find "me" time with or without the kids is definitely good advice. I always feel better after having alone time to quiet the chatter in my head!

[JaneS]

It also could be what he is eating... look into Feingold http://www.feingold.org/pg-overview.html and Failsafe www.fedupwithfoodadditives.info

Food additives such as FD&C artificial colors and flavors, preservatives BHA/BHT/TBHQ, benzoates, calcium proprionate, vitamin A palmitate (which is preserved with BHA), can turn a normal kid into wild as a result of salicylate intolerance. Some kids also are so sensitive to react to tomato sauce, citrus, berries, grapes, etc. I have seen this personally in my own child, he was a mess the few times he had artificial color, like a completely different child... hitting, angry, yelling, couldn't sleep.

[BonMaman]

Originally Posted by babsbob

I notice behavior changes in my kids at their birthdays and half birthdays. I don't know why but it seems like for months after their half birthdays they are kind of cantankerous. It could just be a huge coincidence.

I don't really have any advice - I struggle with staying calm too when my kiddos are aggressive and destructive. I'm going through this with my 2 yo DS. He throws toys, hits, pulls DD's hair and destroys books.

I recommend going out and getting a massage or pedicure, followed by a big decaf mocha latte at the bookstore curled up with a new book or magazine. Or whatever else you like to do. If you are calm and happy it will be easier for everybody!

Yes, half birthdays are worth noticing. And the massage/pedicure/latte/bookstore suggestion is

Hang in there. I'm right there with you.

[Serendipity]

This is most definitely a transition from 3-4 thing. They need to feel SO in control right now and it manifests itself as craziness I think.

Are you engaging him in a lot of things? Giving lots of choices? Providing active time? Not phrasing things as questions if they aren't actually optional?

We are in the midst of this too and I have several friends with the same age kids experiencing the same things. We are just being patient and understanding and trying our best not to add shame and anger at mom and dad to the already confusing feelings they have.

[ledzepplon]

Originally Posted by Serendipity

This is most definitely a transition from 3-4 thing. They need to feel SO in control right now and it manifests itself as craziness I think.

Are you engaging him in a lot of things? Giving lots of choices? Providing active time? Not phrasing things as questions if they aren't actually optional?

We are in the midst of this too and I have several friends with the same age kids experiencing the same things. We are just being patient and understanding and trying our best not to add shame and anger at mom and dad to the already confusing feelings they have.

Thank you so much for posting this. My ds is in the same boat and it's driving me to the edges of sanity. It helps so much to know that it's not just him and that it will pass.

[dantesmama]

Must be a 3.5 thing. My formerly super-sweet ds has suddenly done a 180 - major attitude, yelling at me, hurting his brother and the cat, etc. I've been wracking my brain trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong; it's a huge relief to hear it's "normal".

[babyonmyback]

Thank goodness I'm not the only one. I was just getting on-line to post this same thing. Her anger is out of control- and mine is getting there with all the craziness... oh... there is no magic remedy is there.

[rabbitmum]

Originally Posted by babsbob

I recommend going out and getting a massage or pedicure, followed by a big decaf mocha latte at the bookstore curled up with a new book or magazine. Or whatever else you like to do. If you are calm and happy it will be easier for everybody!

:

Mine has smeared butter on walls for the last few days. And today he jumped on my stomach after I said it hurt and told him to stop. Definitely an age thing!

[Vancouver Mommy]

I'm in the same boat. My dd will be 4 in June and we're really tearing our hair out herer too. In the past two weeks she has ruined a white shirt of mine and coloured on huge chunks of our white carpet with wax crayon. She also has frequent moments of absoute intentional defiance and rudeness like we've never seen before. It isn't all the time, but quite often. She also shreiks and slams doors on occasion too. I'm trying to have compassion for the changes she's going through, but I find it so hard to understand. I'm also having trouble figuring out "natural consequences" for things like door slamming.

[babyonmyback]

I'm trying to figure out what to do when she throws a giant fit. Yesterday she went totally nuts for some reason I couldn't fix in the middle of the sidewalk on a city street and started trying to run away from me! I've got #2 (asleep, not for long) on my front in the sling and I'm dragging her by the arm cause she's running away. She's screaming, hitting, kicking and foaming at the mouth she's so angry. What the heck do I do! My husband is so disgusted he's really to start punishing her and I don't think there is any use in that at all. I've talked about how dangerous and inappropriate it is with her... but it still happens again! arrrrgghhh....

[Vancouver Mommy]

Originally Posted by babyonmyback

I'm trying to figure out what to do when she throws a giant fit. Yesterday she went totally nuts for some reason I couldn't fix in the middle of the sidewalk on a city street and started trying to run away from me! I've got #2 (asleep, not for long) on my front in the sling and I'm dragging her by the arm cause she's running away. She's screaming, hitting, kicking and foaming at the mouth she's so angry. What the heck do I do! My husband is so disgusted he's really to start punishing her and I don't think there is any use in that at all. I've talked about how dangerous and inappropriate it is with her... but it still happens again! arrrrgghhh....

We try our best to model good behaviour when we're angry by telling her we are feeling really angry and frustrated and need to be alone for a little while to help ourselves feel better. Sometimes she can deal with this and sometimes she just won't even leave us alone, which is really maddening. What we really want out of this is to give her the ability to help herself when she gets out of control so that it doesn't get the better of her. I just try to keep my eye on the big picture, but sometimes I just want to lock her in her bedroom. The only thing stopping me sometimes is that I know she's trash the place!

[rabbitmum]

Originally Posted by babyonmyback

I'm trying to figure out what to do when she throws a giant fit. Yesterday she went totally nuts for some reason I couldn't fix in the middle of the sidewalk on a city street and started trying to run away from me! I've got #2 (asleep, not for long) on my front in the sling and I'm dragging her by the arm cause she's running away. She's screaming, hitting, kicking and foaming at the mouth she's so angry. What the heck do I do! My husband is so disgusted he's really to start punishing her and I don't think there is any use in that at all. I've talked about how dangerous and inappropriate it is with her... but it still happens again! arrrrgghhh....

My daughter used to do that around 3 1/2 to 4 1/2, especially on a sidewalk or another busy place. It was really hard. I didn't ever really find any way of making it stop. I think for some kids the emotions get so strong that they just can't really handle them. They frighten themselves (and everybody else) and feel completely out of it. I think they need to be comforted in as calm a way as possible - angry parents or threats of punishment, on top of what they're already going through, don't help. I can remember it being really difficult, though, to have to hold on to a screaming, kicking, frothing child to stop her running into the street. It's not so easy to be calm, firm and comforting in such situations.

[Vancouver Mommy]

Originally Posted by rabbitmum

My daughter used to do that around 3 1/2 to 4 1/2, especially on a sidewalk or another busy place. It was really hard. I didn't ever really find any way of making it stop. I think for some kids the emotions get so strong that they just can't really handle them. They frighten themselves (and everybody else) and feel completely out of it. I think they need to be comforted in as calm a way as possible - angry parents or threats of punishment, on top of what they're already going through, don't help. I can remember it being really difficult, though, to have to hold on to a screaming, kicking, frothing child to stop her running into the street. It's not so easy to be calm, firm and comforting in such situations.

Thanks for that. We forget that sometimes.


Wow! That was my 1000th post.

[riverscout]

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