How can I better handle my violent and disrespectful 3.5yo? - Page 2

[bzmum]

I am completely in the same boat...new baby, crazy 3.5 yr old constantly on the run, hitting, scratching, screaming, slamming doors, sneaking into things, etc. He has smeared half a tub of Eucerin cream on the wall, dented the wall with a hammer, climbs the counters to get into the cabinets, spilled full containers of juice after getting into the refrig. The other day I completely lost it when I found him with his hand in the vitamin jar. I have no idea how he got the "childproof" cap off. There are locks and latches all over my house to keep him out of the cabinets.

Right now I'm trying my best to let natural consequences take their course and to be supportive and loving through this stage. I so want my sweet boy back! Thanks for posting so I know I'm not alone in this!

[Devaskyla]

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[babyonmyback]

Wow- we had a great day today... not because there weren't any tantrums (we had 3) but I told myself when I woke up this morning I wasn't going to get worked up about it. The first one started with a nasty, "Give that to me!" after I took away my electric toothbrush that she took off the self and submerged in the tub. I actually took it away quite matter of factly, no struggle. Anyway- I said, "I don't like to be spoken too like that". It escalated to "GIVE IT TO ME!!!!!!!" I stayed calm. "Please don't speak to me like that" and then "I'm done telling you that this is an unacceptable way to talk to me Charlotte" and I just stopped talking. Well, that got her throwing. I calmly said, "I am not going to let you hurt me" and I opened the door, took the baby and stood behind the door to shield myself. She threw every last thing in the tub. And it was weird! It wasn't like she was really into it but she kept it up. When she was done, I said, "Are you finished?" She said yes and I said "OK, well it's time to get cleaned up, here's your soap." After a few minutes I said, "You know that was no way to talk to me or anyone for that matter. And it is dangerous to throw things." That was it. She didn't say anything.

Granted- we weren't on the sidewalk or out somewhere... but it did happen 2x more that night and I actually felt like my calm took the wind right out of her sails... . It ended fairly easily and that was that. Not like I've got this down, but I felt SO good that just once it went well! On to tomorrow...

[rabbitmum]

Originally Posted by babyonmyback

it did happen 2x more that night and I actually felt like my calm took the wind right out of her sails... . It ended fairly easily and that was that. Not like I've got this down, but I felt SO good that just once it went well! On to tomorrow...

Good for you!

[PlayaMama]

we've been through that here!

my advice from what finally worked for us: DO NOT YELL, pull him close and HUG him.

seriously.

try it just once when he hurts someone or something. the first time i did this my little guy just broke down and cried while hugging me really close. he wanted to run away and he was stomping mad and angry and i just held him close and asked him to look at me and i told him that i loved him and wanted him to be near to me and he just relaxed and melted and cried.

i think it's hard for them to have those emotions and sometimes they just need the security of mama even if they are trying to get away from it.

[bendingbirch]

I think when you are a new mom, you judge your days by if your child melted down or not, and the more experienced you get as a parent you realize it is not whether or not your child melted down, but if you handled it well (ie, I didn't melt down today!)
That transition from 3 to the more expansive four can be a difficult one, and it can also be a time where many mothers have a new baby in tow which can exacerbate things in some ways.

I think one thing to consider is how your child is getting their energy out, are you truly spending enough time outside and getting some of that energy out? Are there quiet times in the day as well? What is the level of media exposure -some kids ramp up with as little as a half hour of videos a day! Someone mentioned the Feingold diet -another great point!

That being said, there will be times of just melting, times when they are just into stuff and times when you just feel angry. And that is okay if you can just stop and freeze, breathe before you do something you would rather not. Can you work on being warm, gentle, saying something once and then following through with gentle hands to help clean things up, put things up higher, move the child away with those gentle hands of yours? Can you distract, sing, tell stories, go look at something else?

I wrote a post about handling temper tantrums and other behavioral challenges here called "Smearing Peas": http://theparentingpassageway.com/20...smearing-peas/

I have been where you all are now, the days are not easy, but congratulate yourselves in thinking about how to handle these things in a mindful, gentle maner because so many parents don't even think about these things at all. Be proud of your ability to be a gentle mother, but still able to set a loving limit and treat your child with dignity and respect. It is so important for the future and you are laying the groundwork now.

[maryeb]

3.5 has been a whole new world for us as well! My sweet, gentle, compassionate boy actually pushed one of his favorite playmates to the ground last week. He has also been verrry stressed out when dh leaves for work; he screams and cries as dh leaves and even cries in the morning just anticipating dh leaving. He has been hitting dh and me a couple times too. It's sooo frustrating since it just kind of hit us and we were surprised to say the least. Keeping calm does help quite a bit. Sometimes I need to heed the advice of pedi/latte to help keep me sane, thanks for the reminder. If ds1 does by chance eat something with white sugar or artificial coloring in it (so very rare) then he is an absolute mess afterward. He changes completely to a very aggressive person, angry, melting...even if we are running around outside. Reading Your 3 Year Old was helpful in educating me about the changes lots of kids go through around the half year mark...I highly recommend it. Mary

[Ms. B. Sprout]

Thanks to everyone who posted on this thread. I really needed to read it tonight. My DS got angry and threw a rock at me today, and I did not handle it very well.

[PeachBaby]

Originally Posted by JaneS

It also could be what he is eating... look into Feingold http://www.feingold.org/pg-overview.html and Failsafe www.fedupwithfoodadditives.info

Food additives such as FD&C artificial colors and flavors, preservatives BHA/BHT/TBHQ, benzoates, calcium proprionate, vitamin A palmitate (which is preserved with BHA), can turn a normal kid into wild as a result of salicylate intolerance. Some kids also are so sensitive to react to tomato sauce, citrus, berries, grapes, etc. I have seen this personally in my own child, he was a mess the few times he had artificial color, like a completely different child... hitting, angry, yelling, couldn't sleep.

JaneS, thank you for the links!

[rockportmama]

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[lula'smom]

i feel like i'm in a similar place with 3.25 yo dd. our biggest issue right now is that she's hitting me a lot. just telling her how i feel isn't helping her to stop doing it. she does it when she doesn't like what i've said (e.g., "it's time to go/brush teeth/whatever..."). how do you actually handle this? a waldorf technique i've read is to say, "your hands must be cold, only cold angry hands hit, let's warm them up" and wrap them in a blanket. then, i let her go when she says her hands can be gentle. but this is actually very physical with a 3 yo trying to hit you so it's feeling not very gentle on my end. time-ins haven't helped too much either but maybe i'm not doing this effectively? i will take her and say we need to go talk about this together and carry her onto the couch and hold her and talk to her about why she's doing it and why it's not okay. today, at the end of my rope i told her that if she hit me again we wouldn't read a book before bed. that felt truly awful and then i felt i had to follow through on it. when she asked to read and i had to say, "i'm sorry, you hit me and that was the choice--that we couldn't read a book if you hit me" i just felt like crying. it's true that she needs more sleep, has poop issues, had a busy weekend, etc. etc. and i try to help with those aspects, but it's so not okay to hit that i feel i must respond to this even though there are mitigating factors for her for sure.

what have you done if talking and showing how sad and upset it makes you doesn't help? thoughts? thanks.

feeling like a bad mommy.

[SweetPotato]

I felt a lot better after reading "Your Three Year Old- Friend or Enemy." I didn't find any magic bullet solutions but it helped to read from a child development expert that 3.5 is just hard! We're dealing with all of the issues posted above- some days are better than others. I'm trying really hard to work on my own reactions and am trying to use the skills from "Parent Effectiveness Training" so that dd can feel a part of finding solutions to some of our conflicts- it works well when we address things before entering a potential problem situation, but not in the heat of the moment.

[koalove]

i have no advice but wanted to offer sympathy because im struggling the exact same thing with my 4 year old. its a drag. i sure do miss my sweet little boy.

[lula'smom]

what's the name of the three year old challenges thread in childhood years? would like to sub....
thanks.

[Nillarilla]

oh thank you for this!!! I really needed to read this.