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Would you let DD use this word?

post #1 of 71
Thread Starter 
Okay...so yesterday DD and I were having normal girlchat on the way home from school. Long story short, in referring to her vulva, she used the term p**sy in a very non-chalant manner....didn't even skip a beat. I was so shocked I didn't say anything. She's 12 and I know she's not a little girl anymore and it's obvious she uses this word with her friends. I guess I feel good that she's comfortable in talking with me about her body, but it doesn't take the sting away from the word. Has this word become common-place and no longer "taboo"?

She's always used the term vagina/vulva before and I would like to believe if she was speaking with another adult she would still use the medical terminology. I tried to talk with DH about it, but he refused to even hear it. He literally covered his ears and said, "I don't want to hear it! When you two talk about that stuff, I don't want to hear it!"

I didn't talk with DD about her use of the word. Should I? Is it too late to address it with her since the moment has passed???
post #2 of 71
Quote:
Originally Posted by mommyinIL1976 View Post
Has this word become common-place and no longer "taboo"?
Um, not in my world? HOWEVER I would take that word any day of the week over the alternatives.
post #3 of 71
I can only share my opinion. I would object to my daughter using that term, I think it's vulgar. I laughingly use it in a joking way with my husband or adult girlfriends. But I say 'vulva' in regular context.

It's your right to raise your daughter your way, learning your family norms. If you object to her using that term in regular conversation than you should just calmly tell her so. I don't think it's too late, either. It might be a little awkward, but you can pass it off casually.
post #4 of 71
I don't think that word is for public ears.

I'd talk to her calmly, too.
post #5 of 71
ABSOLUTELY NOT! I work in a bar and will handle just about any word, but that word is NOT ok! Would you let her say c*ck? Thats the male version of that word. That word is nothing but 100% completely degrading and exploitative IMO. Its not a word for a young girls vagina, its a word that a man uses in reference to sex, that word means sex. Period.
post #6 of 71
Honestly if she is comfortable using that word right now I would just go with the flow and appreciate that she is comfortable enough with you to use the language she would use with her friends. I would be very hesitant at 12 to risk putting up walls that might interfere with this particular communication. I am sure it is not meant in any sort of derogatory way. In fact a lot of adults I know use that word as a matter of speech as well.
post #7 of 71
Quote:
Originally Posted by tinyblackdot View Post
that word means sex. Period.
Disagree
post #8 of 71
I also disagree that that word equals sex.

Yes I would let my 12 year old refer to her own body parts in that way if she wished.
post #9 of 71
When I was twelve I once used that word in a conversation with my father. I had heard other boys using it (to refer to girls) and had no idea that it was a vulgar term for vagina. (I was a very naive kid, what can I say). I had no concept of the how the word has been used to demean women and insult men by implying that they're weak. My dad was shocked. He clued me in.

Everyone will have their opinions, but if this was my daughter or son I of course wouldn't chastise her for using the word but I would explain that I'd been thinking about that conversation the other day and wanted to revisit it. I'd explain that it's considered vulgar and most often used in a derrogatory way. That if she and her girlfriends use it among themselves, well ok (although frankly, the idea of that squicks me right out) but that she should be very careful about using it in any other setting.
post #10 of 71
Quote:
Originally Posted by zinemama View Post
When I was twelve I once used that word in a conversation with my father. I had heard other boys using it (to refer to girls) and had no idea that it was a vulgar term for vagina. (I was a very naive kid, what can I say). I had no concept of the how the word has been used to demean women and insult men by implying that they're weak. My dad was shocked. He clued me in.

Everyone will have their opinions, but if this was my daughter or son I of course wouldn't chastise her for using the word but I would explain that I'd been thinking about that conversation the other day and wanted to revisit it. I'd explain that it's considered vulgar and most often used in a derrogatory way. That if she and her girlfriends use it among themselves, well ok (although frankly, the idea of that squicks me right out) but that she should be very careful about using it in any other setting.
I see your point about making sure she is aware how others could view this word.
post #11 of 71
I'm rethinking my stance.

Justine, IMO the word pussy is nearly as objectionable as the 'N' word. I would strenuously object if my child used that word, would correct her and urge her to think twice about using it.

I don't think that calmly, firmly objecting risks putting up walls.

Nit picking: 'pussy' doesn't = 'sex' to me. But I've only ever heard the term used by crass, obnoxious guys and giggling juvenile boys, in a demeaning way, i.e., I'm going to get some pussy. :
post #12 of 71
Quote:
Originally Posted by journeymom View Post
I've only ever heard the term used by crass, obnoxious guys and giggling juvenile boys, in a demeaning way, i.e., I'm going to get some pussy. :
Same here. I've never heard anyone I respect use the term.
post #13 of 71
huh....I guess you havnt seen much porn then? The only word that is used is pussy, nothing else. Its a word that men use to degrade eachother and a word that they use to fufill their erections. Its not a word that they use out of respect. It turns a part of a womans body into a purly sexual object imo. Just like the words tits.
post #14 of 71
Hey,

I don't belong here because I have one baby DS. I just wanted to say that I think it is super cool that your relationship with her allows her to be so open and comfortable. I wish I had had that with my mom. Things my mom said about that kind of thing put up walls and I still have never talked to her about sex or dating or anything like that. If it were me I would do anything I could to keep those lines of communication open. She could really need you someday. I think you should definitely have a conversation about how it made you feel and your view of the word. She may be embarrassed if you jump on her too sharply though. She may be just trying the word out and not have any idea what it means....like 3 year olds having "boyfriends". Once and Aunt of mine jumped all over me for saying "screwed up". I was mortified because I had no idea that screw meant what screw means.

Congrats on your open relationship with your daughter. It will come in handy as she grows through those awful insecure teen years. Ick. Okay, I'll get out of here now.
post #15 of 71
I have seen a lot more words than the p word being used in porn.

Ina May gaskin uses it in her books. I find it really off putting because I believe in using correct terminology, but lots of people use the p word in non sexual or putting down ways.
post #16 of 71
Quote:
Originally Posted by zinemama View Post
Same here. I've never heard anyone I respect use the term.

Well I have lots of people in fact - I agree that the proper term is preferable, but using a term that is comfortable is more important at this stage in the game.

Although I see nothing wrong with letting her know it makes you uncomfortable.
post #17 of 71
Quote:
Originally Posted by the_lissa View Post
I have seen a lot more words than the p word being used in porn.

Ina May gaskin uses it in her books. I find it really off putting because I believe in using correct terminology, but lots of people use the p word in non sexual or putting down ways.
I agree. I've head lots of people use it in various ways, including both very sexual and derogatory way (and the sexual uses aren't all derogatory, either - I know several woman who habitually use it to refer to their own parts...but also including simply descriptive.

I personally can't stand it. However, if I head dd say it, I'd simply make her aware that it does have negative connotations to some people, and it could affect the way people perceive her if they hear her say it.
post #18 of 71
Nope. Vulgar.
I've never heard it used nicely.

Now... DSD uses the kind of language I'm not fond of, *sigh* but with her friends only. Not really with us, which I appreciate greatly.
post #19 of 71
Yes, I would. It's crass and crude, true. It gives her an alternative way of labelling and thinking of her own body, and allows her to start forming her own opinions on sexuality, but I'd keep talking along these lines and keep the lines of communication open. I'd try reading Inga Muscio's "cunt" together. I'd talk about the hypocrisy that it's considered perfectly acceptable for men to label their penises as "**cks" but any and every slang word for a woman's genitals has a second meaning as an insult for one man to use to another- the worst insult, according to a PP. That ain't right, and girls and women should not have to use clinical terminology just because the patriarchy has chosen to misappropriate. If she wants to do a spot of reclamation, all power to the girl: as long as she remembers that generally, you don't actually need to talk about your genitals to anyone other than your lover, your doctor and at 12, possibly your parents.

There was a fascinating and deeply, deeply disturbing documentary over here recently about the pornification of our teens : http://sexperienceuk.channel4.com/sex-education LMK if you want me to get a copy to you, but I'm planning on using it as a reference with my kids as they grow.
post #20 of 71
Quote:
Originally Posted by tinyblackdot View Post
huh....I guess you havnt seen much porn then? The only word that is used is pussy, nothing else. Its a word that men use to degrade eachother and a word that they use to fufill their erections. Its not a word that they use out of respect. It turns a part of a womans body into a purly sexual object imo. Just like the words tits.
Huh, I guess you never really listend to porn then? Trust me, that's not the only word used.

Personally I'm with the "explain that some people consider it derogatory" category. No use doing something if it might cause her to feel upset about talking about her body.

I would sit down with Dh and have a talk with him about his childish attitudes towards discussing body parts and the words that go along with it. IMO the "I'm not listing, I don't want to hear it" will eventually be picked up on my DD and she'll likely feel that talking about sex and her body with guys is not proper, which isn't something she should learn. She should learn that it's important to discuss those things with the guy she's dating so she can make her own desires and expectation clear to him.
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