Four days ago on April 17, I was 32 weeks pregnant. I noticed decreased fetal movement, and went to the hospital at midnight, and Lachlan was born via an emergency c-section with me under general anesthetic at 7:19am. It was such a shock, and was so scary. As I was being rushed into theatre, I was grasping the sides of the bed saying, "I'm so scared, I'm so scared", because I was scared for my baby boy. He was very ill when he was born, and was anemic because somehow he had bled into me and was he was white when he was born. He was starved of oxygen, and his organs had all begun to shut down, with his heart and brain shutting down last of all. A neonatologist sat down with us and told us that the odds were not good for him. She gave him a 50/50 chance of survival, and if he did survive she gave him a 30% chance of brain damage. She fought back tears as she told us what a rollercoaster ride this would be for us, and I thought that my husband and I understood, but we really didn't.
The last four days have been so incredibly hard. I've been feeling like I just want to curl up into a ball and shut out the world, and I want this experience to disappear when I open my eyes again. It hurts me so much so see Lachlan's beautiful, perfect body and to know that I couldn't protect him and make him well. It hurts me to see my husband hurting. Each day we would see little steps of progress and would tell ourselves that maybe he would be OK, and without any really bad news for a day or so it started to feel just a little better. Then yesterday we found out that his brain ultrasound showed bleeding and clotting in his brain. Today we found out that his MRI showed more extensive bleeding, swelling and brain damage. My husband and I are so devastated, but have been communicating with each other and comforting each other and crying with each other.
I've been feeling so overwhelmed with sadness and grief and "why me". It's just so hard to cope, and it's all been happening so fast, with one thing after another. I've been finding it hard to be happy when I spend time by Lachlan's bedside. My husband has been helping with that, by showing me that even if Lachlan won't grow into the boy or man that we thought he would, he's still a beautiful baby now, and we should enjoy the good things about him. I've also been feeling so scared for our future, it's all so different to how I thought it would be, and there was no warning at all. There are so many strong, overwhelming emotions I've been feeling that it's hard to process them.
I've been pumping breastmilk, but Lachlan can't have it yet because his digestive system has to heal first. When I first started pumping, I didn't realize how sick Lachlan was and was really proud of my body for making such a nutritious meal for Lachlan for later. Now when I pump I can't help but feel sad that I don't have a baby to breastfeed or hold, and that my baby is in the NICU. I don't even really feel like a mother yet, although it's starting to sink in that I'm his mum.
There's so much more I could write. I've just read some of the other posts here, and it's helping to know that I'm not alone and that I've been feeling the same feelings that so many of you unfortunately are going through or have gone through. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, it's so much harder than I ever could have known.
The last four days have been so incredibly hard. I've been feeling like I just want to curl up into a ball and shut out the world, and I want this experience to disappear when I open my eyes again. It hurts me so much so see Lachlan's beautiful, perfect body and to know that I couldn't protect him and make him well. It hurts me to see my husband hurting. Each day we would see little steps of progress and would tell ourselves that maybe he would be OK, and without any really bad news for a day or so it started to feel just a little better. Then yesterday we found out that his brain ultrasound showed bleeding and clotting in his brain. Today we found out that his MRI showed more extensive bleeding, swelling and brain damage. My husband and I are so devastated, but have been communicating with each other and comforting each other and crying with each other.
I've been feeling so overwhelmed with sadness and grief and "why me". It's just so hard to cope, and it's all been happening so fast, with one thing after another. I've been finding it hard to be happy when I spend time by Lachlan's bedside. My husband has been helping with that, by showing me that even if Lachlan won't grow into the boy or man that we thought he would, he's still a beautiful baby now, and we should enjoy the good things about him. I've also been feeling so scared for our future, it's all so different to how I thought it would be, and there was no warning at all. There are so many strong, overwhelming emotions I've been feeling that it's hard to process them.
I've been pumping breastmilk, but Lachlan can't have it yet because his digestive system has to heal first. When I first started pumping, I didn't realize how sick Lachlan was and was really proud of my body for making such a nutritious meal for Lachlan for later. Now when I pump I can't help but feel sad that I don't have a baby to breastfeed or hold, and that my baby is in the NICU. I don't even really feel like a mother yet, although it's starting to sink in that I'm his mum.
There's so much more I could write. I've just read some of the other posts here, and it's helping to know that I'm not alone and that I've been feeling the same feelings that so many of you unfortunately are going through or have gone through. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, it's so much harder than I ever could have known.
But you are protecting him! You knew something was wrong and you acted! You are pumping because that is what is best for him! Once he can begin to have food in his NG tube, it'll be your milk that you made just for him coating his tummy first! You are by his bedside keeping an eye on him! He sounds absolutely beautiful and a fighter! Don't be down; you are being a strong mom for him! Keep us posted!
