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My baby's 1 month old today, and it makes me cry

post #1 of 10
Thread Starter 
Is everyone else as sad about their babies growing up as I am? I cried all morning, just remembering birthing Lucy and thinking about how fast she's growing past this newborn stage.

Here's what I wrote on my blog:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Lucy,

You're exactly one month and twenty minutes old. We're sitting on the couch, breastfeeding, just a few feet away from where you were born. The light coming through the window is exactly like it was the moment we saw each other for the first time. You've been awake and yelling at me and your papa for two hours, but now you finally settled down. Now you're looking up at me, gazing into my eyes and drifting off to sleep.

It's only been a month, but I already wish we could have the time back. Just thinking about it makes me cry. I can't figure out where the time went. I feel like I get so caught up with changing diapers, trying to get some sleep, sitting on the couch breastfeeding you, that I haven't had enough time to just cherish you. A whole month already? It's so hard to believe. I wish I could stop time and just hold you. I wish you could stay a newborn forever. I want you to stay tiny always, curled up like a peanut, like when you were inside me. This is such a precious time, I don't want it to end, I don't want you to change. I want you to stay exactly like you were the last moment you were inside me, the first moment I saw you and held you. You were part of my body for nine months, now it hurts me when I have to put you down. It hurts even more knowing you're growing up, and soon you won't want me to always hold you.

Your elbows still feel exactly like they did when you rolled them across my stomach from the inside, sharp and pointy. That's how I knew for certain that you were the baby I grew inside me, by your elbows. I recognized them. I know they'll be pudgy soon, and it makes me want to cry. How can I keep them like this forever?

I'm already forgetting how you smelled when you were born. You smelled indescribable...primal, earthy, delicious. I didn't want to bathe you when you were born, I wanted to keep you smelling like that forever. Grammi told me that you stank, and that in the wild it would be dangerous, because all the beasts would smell you and want to eat you. I told her that I was the beast who wanted to eat you. We called you Beastie Treat for weeks. Elizabeth told me that she saved the hat that Judah wore when he was born in a ziplock baggie, so she could keep his smell. Why didn't I think of that? Now you smell sweet, like a Bakery Treat, and of course I love it too and breathe it for hours, but I miss my Beastie Treat.

I love how small you are, how I can hold you in one arm when I breastfeed you. I love how you relax and smoosh into me when you're eating. I love how alert you are when you're awake, how you look around at the world like it's so fascinating. I love how you wake up in the mornings, look over at me, and grin. I love your silky baby hair, how it stands straight up and reminds everyone of your papa's fauxhawk. I love the crazy faces you make when you fall asleep at my breast. I love singing you lullabies when you're eating in the middle of the night, and the waves of love that wash over me when I sing them. I love your hands, your delicate fingers, and watching them flutter and dance. I wonder sometimes if you'll be a dancer. I love your baby squeaks and all the sounds you make. I love your breast-milky smell. It smells like warm cookies. I love that I smell like that, too. I love finally understanding how much my Mom loves me.

It breaks my heart that you're a month old already. I'm proud we made it this far, but it's just so bittersweet.

I love you so much,
Mama
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I think I'm going to cry all day!
post #2 of 10
sweet!

I'm not missing the past month, but I sure wish Nathan would stop about now. nursing is regulated, he's actually sleeping, but he still has all the newborn stretches and yawns.so cute
post #3 of 10
gogogirl - you post made me cry (not to mention it was totally beautiful!). DS turns one month tomorrow and I have similar feelings. This is my second (and i'm 99% sure my last) baby...which brings up 2 things. First, I don't have the "I'll have another one someday" to fall back on. Second, I remember feeling this way with DD too. So, i think the feelings are normal and they do pass (i really think it is hormonal). I remember with DD being worried that i would constantly be resisting her growing up instead of just enjoying the moments I had with her...it was really hard to let go of that and honestly, it took me about 10 weeks before it started to get better for me.

What I can tell you is that it really does get better and better as they grow up. DD is 3 1/2 and it's amazing. I can't tell you how many times I have said "this is the best age ever" as I have watched her grow. I love thinking about when she was 12 months old or 2 years old...but I don't really have the desire to go back there. Not because I didn't like it, but because I like now.

That said, I often feel like i want DS to stay a newborn forever but then I think about what that REALLY means and I know that isn't what I want. I think this feeling we mama's have about wanting to stop time is that we know that we can't have that moment of birth with that child ever again...and it IS a special and magical time so that makes it hard to let go of. Plus, at that moment, you are in another world (again, the hormones) and as you come out of that world, you become a different person forever...especially with your first baby. Sometimes we forget that not only are our babies changing but so are we.

For me, as time passes, i know I must leave my little "bubble of birth and new baby" but man, it is so hard sometimes. I love how special I feel as I introduce this new life to the world. I try to let myself enjoy feeling sentimental about the birth and I let myself cry when I need to. I also know that this feeling will pass...and when it does, I will be thankful! It is hard for me to be this emotional.
post #4 of 10
I was thinking of you today when I realized it was Sion's one month birthday! We need to have a party for them.
post #5 of 10
Wow! My baby was born on the 22nd also! How funny! I definitely can't believe how fast she is growing up. It's amazing.

On the one hand, I know someday (especially years from now), I will look back and miss this sooo much. At the same time, I am ready for her to be a little bit older b/c as a newborn she is incredibly needy (which is to be expected, but I didn't realize how draining it would be), and I didn't end up with an "easy" baby at all. I am ready for her to start to feel more secure, but I know that could be a long time coming. I will definitely look back on all of it (even the crying and sleepless nights) with fondness someday, though.

I especially cherish the first moment I laid eyes on her, when she came out of me, and when I first held her. The first thing I said when I held her was, "She is sooo beautiful". I will never, ever forget that. I am crying right now thinking about it. Life is so amazing. It's incredible how much this little creature depends on me and loves me. I love my DH more than the world, and I love my mom with all my heart, but I never knew a love like this before. Love for your child is a whole different kind of love. :
post #6 of 10
Little Eamon is a month old today and I totally feel what you are experiencing. Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful letter to your baby, it has inspired me to write one as well.

I think that I felt even more emotional the first week. Each day I said "he's another day older" and I didn't want him to get any older or to change from being so little and yes, the smell, it was intoxicating. Now I find that I am enjoying watching him learn and grow and become more independant. It also seems that dad is able to bond with him more, now that he is holding eye contant and more responsive to us.

What an experience this is!
post #7 of 10
I love your letter, Kathy! It made me cry as I have been feeling the same way. Melora will be a month old in a few more days.
post #8 of 10
That was so beautiful, and captured many of the things I was mulling over in my heart and head.

You know GoGoGirl, your daughter was born on my son's due date....
And thanks to the moxi sticks, they will always have that link! (I burned one right before the version that successfully turned him).
post #9 of 10
Nicky is 8 weeks tomorrow & I've been feeling the same way. He's probably my last (which makes me ). I've been trying to make time to just snuggle him or talk to him & watch him copy me & grin instead of focusing all my attention just on caring for him. It goes too fast. I should make dh video more. N makes this really sweet little sound & I know soon it's going to be gone.

I have a couple audio recordings from when ds1 was learning to talk & I love having the reminder of how he sounded. I need to do more stuff like that (& take more pictures) with all the kids. This growing up thing is so bittersweet. It's wonderful to see them growing and learning, but you're losing something, too.
post #10 of 10
you and your little family are adorable...love the blog, you are brave to NIP like thatmy hats off to you lol !
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