thanks - Page 2

[mystic~mama]

Originally Posted by fourlittlebirds

Well, if I had someone policing and punishing me I'd be pretty uninterested in being forthright with them. Seems to me you're setting yourself up for a long, distrustful, adversarial relationship with her.

don't you set limits and guidelines for your children?

[mystic~mama]

Thx amcal and Theoretica

mommy68,

did your sister lie as a child? did she continue/does she still?

[Theoretica]

YVW

FWIW, It's likely the lying wont stop instantly. It will take time for your kiddo to realize you mean it that you're open to new ideas. My suggestion for the 'transition' is to just acknowledge the 'wish' and keep going with the communication. For example, when you make the observation statement that she's put chai in her milk (for example purposes) she might INSIST she hasn't done it. Just say "it seems like you wish you hadn't put that in. I wonder if you're worried I'll take it away? I've done that before, and it didn't help us talk to each other. It's important to me that you xyz....continue from there..."

To the pp regarding limits/boundaries. Obviously kids need some limits and boundaries, but it's also important to validate their wants/needs in the process. They see us having things we want/need, and they want those things. At the same time, they don't have the ability to verbalize the 'why' behind their wants/needs, so when we...as authority figures....corner them into "did you do this....WHY did you do this..." it becomes a fear/shame issue manifesting into a power struggle, immediately they shut down, dig in their heels, and won't budge. Then the parent is stuck in the idiotic place of the 'Yes you did/No you didn't' argument. And that doesn't ever end well because SOMEONE has to admit they were wrong.

FWIW I know this because I used to DO this. It doesn't work. "Getting them to admit it" is a power focus. Working with them to get what they want while respecting your boundaries...THAT is mutually respectful and critical to their emotional well being, as well as preserving of your relationship with them.

[mystic~mama]

Originally Posted by Theoretica

FWIW I know this because I used to DO this. It doesn't work. "Getting them to admit it" is a power focus. Working with them to get what they want while respecting your boundaries...THAT is mutually respectful and critical to their emotional well being, as well as preserving of your relationship with them.

it does feel like a power thing and I do not like getting into these types of things with her at all, it doesn't feel good....its not the kind of parent I want to be or the kind of relationship I want to have w/ DD....my instincts tell me these power struggles aren't right and there is a better way, it's just hard sometimes to see them when you are right there embroiled in the relationship...at least for me that is how it can feel.

thx to all the mamas posting your thoughts here

[Theoretica]

Originally Posted by mystic~mama

it does feel like a power thing and I do not like getting into these types of things with her at all, it doesn't feel good....its not the kind of parent I want to be or the kind of relationship I want to have w/ DD....my instincts tell me these power struggles aren't right and there is a better way, it's just hard sometimes to see them when you are right there embroiled in the relationship...at least for me that is how it can feel.

Wow that's totally where I come from on this too! It doesn't feel good. To me, to her, to our relationship/connection.

Yet seeing the forest in the midst of the trees....sooooooooo hard and sooooooo frustrating.

It does really help though to know I'm not the only one LOL

[mystic~mama]

this just happened, would like advise!

Theoretica and any one else who wants to chime in...


DD just called me up to her room to show me a "glass that accidentally slipped out of her hand" it was actually shattered and I heard her throw something (she is being VERY difficult today..)

so I say something like, tell me the truth (then stop going down that path) and say, this glass is broken like something that was thrown,,,we dont throw things made of glass because they break...

advice on handling this....?

she made up a blatant lie.

[Theoretica]

Me personally? AFTER I calmed down and reminded myself not to go four shades of wonky...(I've had those days with my DD LOL)...ask yourself why she lied. Probably because she's worried (valid or not) that you'll be angry. Especially when it's been an ongoing discussion about whether or not something is or isn't a lie, ykwim?

I'd say wow it looks like there's a broken glass. Can you clean it up yourself or do you need my help? THe key is non reaction. Then after it's picked up go do a puzzle together or something that takes both of your attention to do 'side by side'. Then I'd say something like "hmmmm it looks like it'd take a lot of trying to break this glass. I wonder if you were angry when it accidentally broke? (allow for a denial or non response). It's important to me that we are all safe, and accidentally breaking a glass when we're angry (bored/frustrated/silly/whatever) is dangerous because you could get hurt. It seems like you're having a rough day. I'm sorry, how can I help with that?

Then veer off onto how to deal with powerful emotions etc.

I think it sounds like you're really working hard on revamping your approach to this mama, good for you! It's hard to change knee jerk reactions, VERY hard...and it won't happen overnight. So think of how much longer it will take for HER to change HER knee jerk reactions...even longer!

Remember, it's not about getting her to 'tell the truth'. That's just a display of power. It's about connecting with her so trust is built and reinforced...that way later down the line she can talk to you about anything without fear of judgment.

Keep on keepin' on mama...you can do this!!!