Thoughts on this... - Page 2

[bronxmom]

I feel like I'm always the only one coming from the bio-parent of both kids perspective I can really empathize with how your husband is feeling and the insecurities he is dealing with. My partner's family has been FANTASTIC about the whole "first grandchild" thing because my son is their first biological grandchild and that is really, really special - but when people ask my mother-in-law how it feels to be a grandmother, she always says she already is but then talks about how it is to have the first grandbaby. Knowing that she goes out of her way for my and my daughter's feelings - and truly does feel my daughter as family - makes me more secure and able to understand how special a first grandchild is to them. I then also go out of my way to share all the "firsts" with them of our son. (My daughter could probably care less, but I think that's because we've created such a great situation for her). People have also asked my partner how it feels to be a dad and he always says he already is but how special it is to have a baby. I love him and his family for it; but I also don't expect that in his heart of hearts he means it.

IT IS DIFFERENT. In one of our counseling sessions, our counselor asked my partner what it was like the first time he saw our son/his baby. It was her way of drawing out what was different about the relationship with his son (love at first sight) and his stepdaughter (love that built over time). Your husband has to recognize and accept this difference. This was a hard thing for me, but once I let go of the idea that it would be the "same", I was able to appreciate the differences. Of course, this also means you need to recognize and accept the difference; you don't get to just have a new baby and it's just the 3 of you and you can just focus on that piece of your family. That's not your reality; but that doesn't mean your reality can't be great. In some ideal world, do I wish I had met my current partner first and had kids with him and not had to deal with this stuff? Sure. But I also love our family; I love seeing the way my partner stretches himself for a child that is not "his" and worries over her. I love seeing him let her be a big sister and the new and unique bond that's created between them. I love how the other night, I asked the baby if he wanted to go to daddy and my daughter said please no because they were having this special moment watching an SNL skit and my partner kept in the moment with my daughter (which must have killed him b/c he had been at work away from his baby all day) and that he truly appreciated that my daughter was reaching out. I love that my son has this older sister who treasures him and loves him to pieces and will always be there for him. I love the way he has a laugh that is just for her. I find that the more my partner and I understand what the other is going through and makes daily "sacrifices" for our bigger family, the more we bond and become the family we want to be. It's not easy but it's the most worthwhile emotional adventure I've ever been a part of.

[Phoenix~Mama]

Bronxmom, I really hope therapy can help my DH see those parts of it. I really get that.

It was a hard adjustment "giving up all the firsts"... and I think if I had my DH supportive and understanding of it it would be better.

But like you said... I do love sitting back and watching my family as it is now. My DD has a smile ready for DSD all the time and the other night the adults took turns holding DD chasing DSD around the yard and they were both laughing like crazy. It was truly amazing. DSD is such a great big sister and it truly gets me teary eyed.


To other points... yes, I pick an answer depending on the situation and my comfort level. Pretty much whenever anyone tells DSD to go ask Mommy or whatever, I have never once corrected her. Even the few times she has called me Mom, I have never corrected her. DH has always corrected her if she slipped with that...

And usually if someone at the store tells her to ask Mom or whatever, she will tell them, "no that isn't my Mom, that is my Jen." The other day at a restruant she went even farther with that and said her Mom is home with her Jeremy and how she didn't always have a Jen and a Jeremy.

She is almost 5, and I have tried talking to her about step-parents, and DH has once... but she still doesn't quite get it. She never uses the term anyway. She will argue that me and Jeremy are not her parents. It's a weird situation for sure....

[catina]

My parents are similar to those of bobandjess99. . . . it bothers me when my parents do not acknowledge my steps as their grandkids, but then again, they have spent rather little time with them, being on the other side of the continent. I have had to just accept that "blood" is very important to them. Not only do they feel related to their blood-grandchildren, but they also feel responsible for them in ways that they will never feel for my stepchildren. My steps won't make it into any wills, for example. But then, they do have their own blood-grandparents. I would love it if my parents felt differently, but they do not. My mom is v. g. at remembering birthdays and asking about them, but she's really the only one. My sisters made it clear that they would only remember my daughter's birthday. I would not act the same if they were stepmoms. However, as they live on the other side of the continent, and are not part of my steps' lives, well, I guess it doesn't impact them much, if at all. If they lived close at hand, it woudl be different--but then, they may act differently, too.
Sigh. I think that part of my annoyance on this issue is the entire lack of understanding about my life as a stepmom. Aside from my mom, they don't seem to realize how much *space* my steps occupy in my mind and life. . . . even though we see them only EOW plus one weekly visit.

[rliszkowski]

My mom says my SS is her "oldest grandson" and DS is her "first grandson". They (SS and DS) seem to really appreciate having a special title with her.

I tell people I have 4 kids, even though the oldest is my SS. He lives with us full-time though, I don't know if that makes a difference. I would never feel comfortable pretending to have given birth to SS, even with a stranger. I think your response was good. I am sorry your DH was bothered by it. This will be a good topic for your therapist.

[bronxmom]

Another thought on this (I know I already posted). Does Alex call your mom Grandma (or some such)? If not, then Kallie will be the first child to call her grandma. Just like she will be the first to call you mom. These are really important, special things. Perhaps you can explain this to him - esp as he seems to feel strongly himself about the importance of names. It seems like your mom really took to the grandmother role with your sd and has been really great - this is the most important thing. You might try talking to your husband about how love can be expressed different ways. Just last week it hit me how much time my partner spends worrying about my daughter's adjustment to school, friends, some difficulties she's going through, etc and that that was a concrete manifestation of his love for her - and just as important, if different, as the more spontaneous physical affection he has with our son. It was an important realization and communicating to him my appreciation of it was important. Perhaps you could talk to your husband about these ideas of how love is expressed in different ways.

[Phoenix~Mama]

Thank you bronxmom... I did communicate with DH about all the things my parents do for DSD and asked him if that counts for nothing? I pointed out how they do sleepovers with just her in her special princess tent they got for her. My sets up the tent with coloring books and markers, and sets up a little tray with a juice box and grapes and crackers. Everytime my Mom has watched DSD she has set up special activities such as baking cookies or picking wildflowers in the pasture. My Dad takes her out to play with the dogs and horses all the time. My Mom shows up randomly with gifts for DSD or a new outfit. She just recently got her the game candy land and a bag of gummy worms to go with a candy fun night.

The other day my Mom said she has two firsts.... a first grandchild and a first grandbaby.

My DSD does call my Mom Grammy and my Dad Poppy.