Serious Discipline issues with 5 1/2 year old daughter

[Treasuremapper]

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[BoringTales]

Some kids just have impulse control issues. They just don't think about the consequences before they do something. There's also the issue that she may have just been trying to get your husband's attention. If he was sitting RIGHT next to her, with no tv on, but still didn't see, hear, or realize she was cutting a huge hole in the couch, I imagine she could've been doing lots of other things first to try and get Daddy to see her, play with her, etc.

What WAS he doing while she was doing this?

[Treasuremapper]

This is a very good question!!! I asked it myself.

[Super Glue Mommy]

I think I'd be more mad at my DH in that situation.

I don't really think what she did was scary or completely abnormal. I definitely wouldnt have threatened an eye for an eye (next time I'll cut your bear) I know you wouldnt do that, but I would not have said that. You probably said it out of anger, and if thats the case you should go back to her and let her know you were mad but you would never do that because its not okay to destroy other people's propertly. The idea of this threat towards a child is a bit disturbing to me. A child cutting fabric does not disturb me, but my mom went crazy and cut open all the pillows in her house once, and I wasnt even there ad it thoroughly freaked me out to the point if she lived in my state I would have baker acted her. It made me afraid for my younger siblings who still live there...

I would try to fix the cushion myself and turn the cushion over, if that is a possibility. I would keep telling myself that people are more important then things if it wasn't a possibility.

I would look to see what may have caused this behavior, I would keep knives and scissors somewhere inaccessable to the child, I would talk to my husband about it. I would do some activities that allowed for supervised cutting. I would get a few professional opinions on whether or not its neurological as well.

[babsbob]

Originally Posted by Treasuremapper

This is a very good question!!! I asked it myself.

He was eating corn dogs!!! In fact, when I got downstairs and saw the hole, he was sitting there still, silently eating corn dogs. To clarify, though, he was on a different sofa that is right next to the the sofa she was cutting. About four feet away... facing the sofa she cut.

I'm sorry - but his made me laugh so hard!!!! OMG - guys are so clueless!
I am always amazed at the things my kids do when my DH or brother are "watching" them.

It is possible she just wanted to see what she could get away with until he noticed. I don't really know that much about behavioral issues though and my DD is not that old yet. I am still amazed at the things she does at age 4 though. She hasn't cut any furniture, but she does make some bad decisions sometimes.
Did she tell you why she wanted to cut the couch? Can you patch it and flip the cushion over or get a slip cover?

[churndash]

I don't think your daughter is weird or abnormal.

I do think you should take the scissor away and not give them back for a very long time. If your older child needs them for a project, fine, get them out, supervise their use, and put them away again.

No child "needs" 24 hour unfettered access to scissors.

If your younger daughter asks why, explain that she has not shown she can use them responsibly.

Then I would suggest telling your husband to pay more attention to what his daughter is doing.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

I think what you daughter did is completely normal. She was either seeing if daddy would notice her or she was exploring how sissors cut fabric. Either way, completely normal. Not good for fabric, but not worthy of a ped. visit by any means. Unless, of course, there are other issues as you hinted.

I would explain that this was unacceptible. I might explain that the money it will take to fix couch will mean no whatever in the budget will be impacted.

Obviously I would make sure sissors and such were out of her reach for the foreseeable future, and that when she had sissors she had a responsible alert adult supervising her.

I would be furious at your DH much more so than your child.

[claddaghmom]

ROFL sorry about the sofa but take a deep breath! That's totally normal!

Scissors are hidden away in our house. You have to ask to get them out, along with the paint, glue, razor blades, tape, etc. I could explain why for each item but that would take pages.

She wasn't being entertained. She got bored. She sacrificed the sofa.

I'm sure you don't mean it, but IMO threatening to cut her bear or bed as retribution sounds as bad as physical punishment. IDK something just sounds off about that and I wouldn't recommend future interaction of that style.

[Treasuremapper]

Oh gosh, I know you are right about threatening to cut her bear.

[Britishmum]

My suggestion would be to forget the sofa, and ladle on oodles and oodles of attention. Get dh to do the same. Fill her up with attention.

Then take practical measures. Remove scissors, and anything else that might do damage.

Honestly at that age I recall sometimes starting doing something that felt pleasing, and continuing because it was, well, interesting. My sister punched holes with the end of a toothbrush all over an entire bathroom wall - it was a sort of spongy weird tile - just because it was interesting and pleasing. She says that once she punched one hole, it was so interesting, she just kept going, because it fascinated her. It was only when my mum came in and screamed that she re-entered the real world and realized what she'd done.

Maybe your dd did it for attention, or maybe she just did it becuase the scissors were there, the couch was there, and it was fun to do. Like some kids cut their hair, or clothing, or toys, or whatever.

Unless there are really other issues, I'd tend to stomp my feet in private, then remember that this is one of those funny stories you'll tell in years to come. In our house, my kids love to hear about when dd #1 chalked blue parallel lines across the entire (huge) room on a white carpet, or when dds painted the (white, long haired) dog, or when ds painted the entire kitchen with a (huge, catering sized) tub of cream cheese..........

All infuriating, but over time, they do become less so, and eventually, you find yourself laughing along with the kids as you tell the story.

[Materfamilias]

Your daughter seems fine to me. It seems like a supervision problem with your DH. I'd be a little worried about leaving the kids with him.

[joy_seeker]

My ds and I both have ADD/ADHD and I'm seeing some things here that make me think something may be going on with BOTH dh and dd. Dh seems to have the hyper-focus that is the flip side of difficulty focusing; many people with ADHD can become so intent on what they are doing that things around them just fall away. This is what happens to me when I'm writing, reading, watching tv, etc. I get so drawn into what I'm doing that I don't hear people talking to me unless they physically touch me to get my attention. This sounds like your dh, focusing on his food and his task of videotaping and tuning out what was going on around him.

Another thing that happens with some people (not me but definately ds) is that they can become so focused on an idea that it becomes impossible to see the consequences of that idea. I recently read a really enlightening book entitled ADHD and Me. I can't remember the author's name but it was written by a teenager who had grown up with ADHD and he did an excellent job of explaining what was going on in his mind when he did impulsive things. He would be so fascinated with the rockets, matches, slingshot, etc. that he would just HAVE to see what would happen next without any thought about the actions. Natural consequences, gentle guidance, and finding productive ways to channel that curiosity where the best things for him. I think your dd's actions lately are showing that curiosity. She may or may not have ADD/ADHD but some of these things may still apply to her.

[jt'smum]

DD cut off our cats eyebrows and whiskers...She lines up things all the time. She isn't autistic or any other developmental disorder. She is however, a limit tester and very curious about the how/why/and the end results of things. I to think this is normal. Now if she tried cutting me or herself then I would be worried.

[claddaghmom]

Originally Posted by jt'smum

DD cut off our cats eyebrows and whiskers...She lines up things all the time. She isn't autistic or any other developmental disorder. She is however, a limit tester and very curious about the how/why/and the end results of things. I to think this is normal. Now if she tried cutting me or herself then I would be worried.

OMGsh my little brother did the same thing. It was terrible but hilarious at the same time. Poor kitties. He thought they needed to have a haircut.

[jt'smum]

Her reasoning was she didn't like how they felt when the would "snuggle". And she thought she looked better without them. Poor kitty is right! God rest her soul she was the best cat ever!

[Treasuremapper]

Just to spoil the fun.

[northcountrymamma]

So I can relate to what your dd did from my own childhood.

My dad worked ALOT...we saw him very infrequently, though when we did it was kind of distracted attention that we would get as he watched sports...(luckily he is a wonderful grandfather and learned some lessons along the way).
Alas...
I destroyed things to get his attention all the time.
I once poked little tiny holes in the bathroom wallpaper along all four corners, as far up as I could reach with my stool...and got my little sister to help me by lifting her up to get farther up.
I trimmed the pipping off our cushions on our couch once with my scissors.
I tied knots into all the fringe on the rug in our kitchen...tight small knots...many of them all the way along both ends.
I unraveled an entire sweater in our laundry room while my dad watched a hockey game.
And I wrote things under our furniture all the time.
I peeled all of the caulking out of our bathtub, our windows and doors and from around the sinks.

I'm sure there are more. I was a destructive child...always seeking daddy's attention, usually getting it, negatively but definitely getting what I was looking for. He would sit with me, talk with me, and hug me after he yelled. PERFECT.

I don't think there was much really wrong with me...and without any intervention I had a normal childhood beyond this stuff.

Just putting it out there...your post seemed to scream my childhood at me.

ETA: We all laugh like crazy at family dinners when we remember such things now!!! Especially funny when my dad brings them up if someone hasn't heard the stories before.

[octobermom]

But this is a HUGE hole, and it will cost hundreds of dollars to replace the sofa. Moreover, I am worried about her. Does she have some sort of neurological problem -- ?, what the heck is wrong??

The problem.. sissors in her reach and being 5 with little impluse controll. .. It is neurological Her brain just isn't mature enough to handle sissors unsupervised. Put them someplace outta reach but where the older child can get them have rules on when/where they are used.. include some art time through the week. This to will pass.
BTW what she did was inappropiate having her make some amends may be appropiate ect but don't think that she is somehow damaged or that this wouldn't have happened if you'd punished before.

Deanna

[labdogs42]

You definitely need to talk to your DH about spending some focused one on one time with your DD's. Just 20 minutes a day or even a few times a week of focusing on each of them like he focuses on the corn dogs will make a WORLD of difference.

You probably also need to realize that your DH needs some help, too. My DH can be like that sometimes. I have to specifically tell him when I'm going upstairs or in the house (if we're in the yard) and make sure he knows that he is now in charge of watching our son. Otherwise, he might never notice that I've left the area and will assume I'm watching DS. Crazy, but true. One more thing, try not to make himi do two things at once, like in the video taping incident. It doesn't sound like he is much of a muti-tasker. If he's taping, he shouldn't be in charge of DD at the same time. Of course, if he spent some more quality time with her, maybe it wouldn't have been an issue , but I'm still throwing it out there!

[Treasuremapper]

Ah yes.