Introverted DS has found his place

[daisymama12]

My older son, now 8, is an introvert. Thanks to MDC : I was directed to a great book, Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child and it has really informed the way I parent him.

Yesterday I took DS and his friend out for a bike ride, and then they came over here. DS was so HAPPY. This year he has gained a lot of confidence socially, and is enthusiastic about his small circle of friends. He is by no means "popular" but he is a well liked little boy

Over the years, the balance hasn't always been great between them. The friend was quite dominant in kindergarten, then in grade 1 they had some real conflicts, but this year, they've really struck a great balance, and hang out with one or two other kids from school. I have remained present, and helped ds work through the various issues, and I am so happy I stayed the course and supported his needs & temperament.

I highly recommend the book for those who think they may have an introvert in their home. It has been so useful for me, and thanks to MDC .

[eirual]

I'm glad you've found some great solutions.

I don't have an 'innie', but as someone who works a lot with kids, I'd be interested to know what the major changes you've made have been. I think I'll get that book in my next amazon order.

[daisymama12]

Before I got the book, I thought that my son was shy, and that he needed practice being in social situations to get more comfortable. That, like many things in life, you need practice to improve. I thought I was doing him a favor by having playdates, really encouraging him to "get out there" and engage with other kids.

What I discovered by reading the book, and by listening to mums here, is that introverted children are NOT shy, by and large. Extroverts gain energy by being in groups, introverts have their energy drained by prolonged time in a big group, even if they are enjoying it.

That shifted my thinking.

From that point onwards, I let him lead. He made friends with the boy I mentioned in the OP, who wanted lots of playdates. I let my son make the decision, did NOT let him feel at all pressured to say yes if he didn't want to. It was kind of uncomfortable for me, since I find it rude to turn down someone multiple times, but I put it in his hands. This is the first year that the desire for playdates is pretty much equal between the two of them.

What else... I explained to him that it's normal to observe a situation for a while before jumping in (his natural tendency).

I learned that his blank impassive face that he has before he goes in to school is classic for an introvert. It used to think he was unhappy, but now I see it is his way of transitioning energy from home to school mode..

When he is with people he knows he is ebullient and friendly and warm. He is not anxious, nor shy. In fact he's pretty confident.

Hope this makes sense, I'll add more if I think of it

[cuttiebearmom]

Thanks for the good recommendation, I have to check it out too now!