preschooler *hates me*

[Stinkerbell]

I dont mean he says, "I hate you" when he's angry. That's normal. But my 4.5 year old genuinely dislikes being with me for any reason. He's the youngest of 3 (big age span between him and the older brothers) and while he's always been MUCH more attached to Daddy than he is to me, this disgust for me is only about a year old.

When he's upset because I've said no, or am taking him somewhere when he doesnt want to go, he says things like, "I'm never going to do anything you say" (with arms dramatically crossed), "LAME", "this is so stupid", "i dont ever want to be near you", "Im just going to leave", "Im not staying here/going/doing that", etc. Really sassy, dramatic stuff that my other boys didnt pick up on until he they got much older. he can be plain old MEAN and he's very quick to be sarcastic. He doesnt play well with others at all.

He's rarely a pleasure to be with, which makes me want to sob with shame to say I am not a yeller, Im not strict, and I think everyone who knows me would say Im a good parent. He doesn't act this way with Daddy nearly as much, but Daddy tolerates (and even unintentionally rewards) it sometimes.

I dont know what Im asking, here : As the mom of 3, auntie of many and former daycare provider I can honestly say that this is very new to me and does not seem acceptable or "normal".

Does anyone relate? Does it sounds like a reason to make an appointment with a counselor?

he's always, always had sleep issues (always!), eats well, is homeschooled and EXTREMELY bright. He does watch too much television and was exposed to monstrosities like Spongebob in the past year. We just cancelled the access to cable tv today.

any input is appreciated. I feel like a "wicked stepmother" to my child. And it hurts. he was such a blessing...such a gift

[demottm]

I think he'll be fine. He might be going through something though. You said that his older brothers are much older than him, he might just feel left out by them and might be acting like this to get their attention.

[harmonyhobbit]

I do think a visit to a counsellor is warrented. Something is obviously wrong, either with him, or in your relationship. You are not enjoying your child and he is not enjoying you. That's not right. Get the help you need.

[LaLaLaLa]

My DD is 4 1/2, and also is VERY dramatic when she's mad at me. Which is often. When I tell her, for instance, that it's too cold for her to go outside without socks on, I can expect an "I'm NEVER going to go anywhere EVER again! You can't MAKE me go, and I'm just going to play in my room and NEVER EVER go to bed, not for a hundred million hours!" Sometimes a door slams after this speech.

I don't take it personally; it must be hard to feel like someone else is the boss of you. I try to give my kids freedom, but sometimes I draw a line and expect their wrath. When DD has her fit, I generally respond calmly "Okay, just let me know when you have your socks on so we can go." I don't know if this is the right response. It works better for us than explaining, sympathizing, wrestling socks onto her feet, or threatening. We've tried all of those at one point or another. Eventually if we ignore the shouting she comes out with socks on and we continue our day without comment.

DD is often grumpy. She would claim her main problem is her brother, who is 3. DD wakes up in the morning and (in my point of view) immediately starts picking fights. DS is in her seat (we don't have assigned seats). He's making a noise that bothers her. He's in her space. He's looking at her breakfast. This sort of thing I also ignore whenever possible, blandly telling her that if his presence is bothering her, she is welcome to play in her room with her door shut. If I paid attention to every comment, I'd consider her very unpleasant to spend time with. She's ALWAYS complaining. Today we went out to get ice cream. She complained we didn't buy her chocolate milk, too. Seriously? Yep. Last weekend I took a special trip with her to a fancy bead store in town. We looked at all of the beads, touched everything, and I told her she could choose a few beads and I'd buy them for her. What followed was a huge tantrum when I wouldn't buy for her a pre-made demonstration necklace that was hanging up and NOT for sale. On the way home I talked about what fun the bead store was and edited out any mention of the tantrum.

So I guess I can commiserate a bit, and also say that we try our best to just ignore the unpleasantness and focus on the good. If I took everything my DD said seriously, I would think she hated me, too. Sometimes she probably does. If I didn't let her anger roll over me, I'd be mad at her all of the time. I try to filter out the tantrums and emotional outbursts and make the most of the moments of peace and love that we do manage to have in between.

Four years old is tough.