Boys using Men's room alone- what age?

[splotchy1]

My DS is just turning 6 and has making big jumps in independence and wanting to do things by himself in so many areas. It's really been great for his self-esteem, etc. (he has Asperger's, so I love seeing the positive self-image he is building).

Anyway...he has been wanting to go in the men's rooms while we are out, and I've always told him no- he needed to go in with his sister and me. He's starting to be embarrassed about going into the women's room, there aren't family bathrooms in the area we live in, and he keeps insisting- but I'm a boy!

I have let him go in when I know no one is in there, or it is a single bathroom, and I stand right outside where I can stick my head in and talk to him if I needed. But, I've had a couple of times where he is in there alone, but then another guy goes in while he is still in there. At the park where he does t-ball practice, he is embarrassed to go in the girls when the team is there and can see him.

I'm curious 2 things- at what age did you let your son go alone into the men's room...I was thinking 10 or 11- but I can't imagine taking a 9 year old boy into the women's room at the mall.

The other question is- I think he would be OK staying with me if I explained the danger to him- but I don't know how to get into that discussion and how to prepare him but not scare him either. Up until now, I've just told him that my job is to keep him safe, so I need him to be with me where I can see him.

Any advice!?

[zacharysmom]

im our case as im a single mom it depended on where we were our local diner that we know everone staff and most custmers he was alowed to go alone from about 6ish. now the mall i think he was much closer to 8 but, that being said the ones i let him go alone were open concept as in the mens and womens are sperated but a common wall and the only doors were on the stalls them selves so hearing was as close as same room he is a big kid and i was close by

[l_olive]

I'm just starting to let mine go by himself, too, and he's just a little over 6. He only seems to ask in places where he feels pretty comfortable, and I make myself pretty conspicuous right outside the door, so everyone knows there's a mom out there keeping an eye on things. I still wouldn't be OK with really large bathrooms with lots of people in and out, or especially bathrooms that have two doorways.

6 is hard, I think. So much big kid stuff to do and try, but really they're still just little ones, you know?

[MtBikeLover]

My DS is 6.5 and I would not let him go in by himself in a big public bathroom. If it was small (1-2 stalls) and I could call in easily, I might. But DS has never had an issue with going in the women's bathroom so it hasn't become a topic we have discussed yet.

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

I have no idea when I will feel safe letting ds go alone. He is 4 now so still goes in with me and dd. I just started letting dd go alone this past year and she is 8.

I will no doubt be the mom standing outside the bathroom door hollering every 30 seconds for ds to hurry up lol I will expect him to answer me promptly with a certain answer each time and if it dosnt come then look out gentlemen mama is coming in.

Yeah I am paranoid but whatever it takes to keep my kids safe.

[lotusdebi]

My son started going to the bathroom himself a year or so ago. He also has Asperger's. It got to the point that either I let him go to the men's room himself, or he'd wet himself. He absolutely wasn't going into the women's room anymore. I talk to him a lot about inappropriate touching, and what to do if someone says or does something inappropriate in the bathroom. I also stand outside the bathroom and listen for him in case he needs help. The only problem we've had is inappropriate usage of the sinks due to his sensory seeking.

[flapjack]

I let my two go in together when they were nearly-7 and 5.

[TwinsTwicePlusTwo]

I can't remember when Trent started using the men's bathroom by himself . . . I want to say 6 (darn pregnant brain). I've let the little ones go in with him for the better part of two years, but if it's just the littles and me they still have to come in with me. I can't trust them to do their business and come straight out. It really depends on the maturity of the child. Trent's really responsible. I let him start using the men's room when he started minding using the ladies.

[ameliabedelia]

IMO..it really just depends on where you are and the size of the bathrooms.

A small, 2-3 stall bathroom is quite different from a large bathroom with many stalls and lots of people in and out all the time.

Most of the places we go (libraries, restauraunts, etc.) only have small bathrooms (3 stalls or less)...so in that situation I would feel completely comfortable letting a 6 yo go in by themself. My 7-yo (girl) has been using the restroom by herself, under those condition, for about a year.

I would not feel comfortable with that at a place with larger restrooms (like at a mall or airport or travel rest area).

[GoBecGo]

I don't have sons or advice re: when it's fine to let them go themselves...but...

The other question is- I think he would be OK staying with me if I explained the danger to him- but I don't know how to get into that discussion and how to prepare him but not scare him either. Up until now, I've just told him that my job is to keep him safe, so I need him to be with me where I can see him.

IMO (and it is just my opinion so do ignore it if you feel it's not for you!) i would address this. The point of warning him is not to scare him, it's to give him skills that will help him in life. You can't expect him to cross the road safely if you don't tell him about traffic, right? This is the same. Imagine to yourself the scenario you really fear and then talk to him about how he can make sure he is safe WHEREVER he is. Tell him that there are some people out there in the world who might want to molest him. I know it grates, USE the word "molest" - these words give children so much power. I was abused as a child, i couldn't have stood up in court and said "he touched my flower with his weewee" and been believed by a jury - it's sad but true, kids need to be able to express with accuracy to protect themselves. To be able to say "he was going to/trying to molest me" gives a child enormous power. Let him know that this is touching his penis or bum or anus or having him look at or touch theirs, and that it might even be no touching but doing or howing him things that make him feel uncomfortable. Re-cap that it is NEVER ok for anyone to want to do that and tell him HOW to be safe. Tell him how to be safe in the toilets - use a stall ALWAYS, never get into a conversation with anyone, and shout for help if he feels he needs it. Really if you have had the chat about private body parts this is just a bit more depth in one area, you know? And if he is ready to go into the bathroom on his own then it's probably time to give him the extra responsibility for his safety and let him try it out. You can highlight that the vast vast majority of men in the bathroom are there to go to the bathroom and pose absolutely no threat to him, you can let him know what youre warning him about is really really rare, but that it's something YOU consider when you take him to the loo (with you) so if he's going alone you need to make sure HE can consider it. If you can get ahold of a copy of it, Protecting the Gift might be a faboulous book to read as your kids grow.

[KatWrangler]

I don't know yet. He is only 5.

[hottmama]

My sons are 6 and 3 and I let them go in the bathroom together and I'll let the 6 yr. old go by himself. If we're somewhere really crowded or unfamiliar I'll take them in the womens' with me.

[mommajb]

Another way (or two) I thought about it at the time is the following:

Am I comfortable going into the women's room with him? If so he can come with me.
Am I comfortable leaving him standing outside the women's room while I go in alone? If not then he comes in with me.

At 12 ds1 can go alone, at 19 months ds2 can stay with me or wait with ds1 while I go in alone.

[columbusmomma]

Originally Posted by GoBecGo

I don't have sons or advice re: when it's fine to let them go themselves...but...



IMO (and it is just my opinion so do ignore it if you feel it's not for you!) i would address this. The point of warning him is not to scare him, it's to give him skills that will help him in life. You can't expect him to cross the road safely if you don't tell him about traffic, right? This is the same. Imagine to yourself the scenario you really fear and then talk to him about how he can make sure he is safe WHEREVER he is. Tell him that there are some people out there in the world who might want to molest him. I know it grates, USE the word "molest" - these words give children so much power. I was abused as a child, i couldn't have stood up in court and said "he touched my flower with his weewee" and been believed by a jury - it's sad but true, kids need to be able to express with accuracy to protect themselves. To be able to say "he was going to/trying to molest me" gives a child enormous power. Let him know that this is touching his penis or bum or anus or having him look at or touch theirs, and that it might even be no touching but doing or howing him things that make him feel uncomfortable. Re-cap that it is NEVER ok for anyone to want to do that and tell him HOW to be safe. Tell him how to be safe in the toilets - use a stall ALWAYS, never get into a conversation with anyone, and shout for help if he feels he needs it. Really if you have had the chat about private body parts this is just a bit more depth in one area, you know? And if he is ready to go into the bathroom on his own then it's probably time to give him the extra responsibility for his safety and let him try it out. You can highlight that the vast vast majority of men in the bathroom are there to go to the bathroom and pose absolutely no threat to him, you can let him know what youre warning him about is really really rare, but that it's something YOU consider when you take him to the loo (with you) so if he's going alone you need to make sure HE can consider it. If you can get ahold of a copy of it, Protecting the Gift might be a faboulous book to read as your kids grow.

Great post! I need to address this issue with DS, he does use the men's BR by himself at times(if DH isn't with us). And Protecting the Gift is a great read!!

[SAHDS]

I'm not sure.

DS is 8.5 and he doesn't use the men's restroom by himself yet.

[churndash]

My son was probably 6 or 7. It depends on the bathroom, too. When we are travelling, for example, I won't choose just any roadside rest stop.

We use common sense: I tell him to choose a stall where he can shut the door, not use a urinal (this would be his preference anyway).

We've had talks about inappropriate behavior, that he can shout or run away if he feels uncomfortable.

Realistically, the chances that a child would be molested in a public bathroom are pretty small. I mean, wouldn't you go in looking for him if he weren't out after a few minutes? I know I would.

(And yes, I know that it has happened, I'm just saying it's not an everyday occurrence.)

Speaking as the mother of daughters too - bear in mind that the girls in the ladies room (and their mothers) might be uncomfortable having an older boy in there.

I was at the gym once when a woman brought her 9 year old son into the locker room. I felt very uncomfortable at the prospect of changing clothes in front of a strange child of that age. If the boy were 3 or 4 I wouldn't think twice about it, but there does come an age where other people's feelings have to be taken into consideration too.

[Alyantavid]

My son is 7 and I don't let him go by himself. He does get embarassed but we've talked about why and he gets it.

[nextcommercial]

I think it completely depends on the place. Like the mall, he'd have to go in with me. But, Subway, or the pizza place, I'd let him go into the men's room while I stood outside.

The park.. I'd let him go in alone at tha park. That's a huge deal to him, and I would let him make that choice. (again, I am imagining our park here... and I feel completely comfortable letting a boy go in there)

[Onemagicmummy]

my eldest son is 6, almost 7. i have been letting him go to the mens room alone since he was almost 5. not every time but some, if it was just me and him and i didnt need to go, i would let him go in, stand right outside the door, wait a reasonible amount of time, open door, call out to him to make sure he was OK. no problem.
if it was all of us (with out DH) and i or one of the others needed to to we would all go to the Womens room and if he complained about it i just told him straight, we were all going to the loo here and that was that.

seems to work for us.

Kiz

[SAHDS]

Originally Posted by churndash

Speaking as the mother of daughters too - bear in mind that the girls in the ladies room (and their mothers) might be uncomfortable having an older boy in there.

I was at the gym once when a woman brought her 9 year old son into the locker room. I felt very uncomfortable at the prospect of changing clothes in front of a strange child of that age. If the boy were 3 or 4 I wouldn't think twice about it, but there does come an age where other people's feelings have to be taken into consideration too.

I see your point, but my son's safety and well-being trumps other people's feelings, imo.