Toddler fear of birthdays - Need advice

[pelirroja]

My 22-month-old dd has developed a fear of birthdays, and I'm hoping you wise mamas can give me advice on how to handle it. It started out as a fear of candles but has evolved into a fear of all things birthday.

Here's how it happened: A few months ago she got too close to some lit birthday candles and totally panicked. A week later she had another panic attack when she saw a friend putting candles on a cake. We recently took her to a bday party and kept her in another room during the song/candle/cake activities. That worked out ok. But a week later at another party, we didn't get enough warning before the crowd gathered to sing, so dd panicked again. There were no candles involved that time - just a crowd of people singing happy birthday.

Her 2-yr birthday is coming up and she has also been invited to several other birthday parties. Whenever she hears talk of a birthday, she starts to panic and says "no birthday, no birthday". We've reassured her that we will not have a birthday party for her. We'll have a playdate in the park instead, with no hint or discussion of it being her birthday.

We're trying to figure out how to handle all of the upcoming birthday parties. Avoid them altogether? Lie to her about the event (i.e. say that we're going to a playdate, and then leave before the singing/cake/presents activities)? Or stay for the whole party to show her that there's nothing to be afraid of?

I imagine that lots of toddlers have similar irrational fears, so I'm hoping that some of you can share your experiences and approaches. TIA!

[chick]

dd1 was the same with balloons - one popped once and after that she spent birthday parties with her fingers in her ears!

We explained to her that lots of other children liked them and that they were just a part of birthdays but that there were lots of other fun things that happen at birthdays that she didn't need to worry about.

She used to worry about there being balloons at parties and of course they were always there but we never made a big deal out of it and tried to focus on something else.

She's 13 now and still isn't keen (if dd2 has a balloon dd1 puts it out of her reach at every opportunity!)

[OTMomma]

If it were me, I'd take a few months off from the birthday parties- if the birthday child is a special friend, make a playdate for another time near the child's birthday to take over a gift then- it will be more special for both children to have a one on one playdate anyway. It is very possible that with a bit of time, the fear will go away or diminish on its own and she'll be ready to attend parties again in a few months. I wouldn't mention any at all for at least 2 months, then give her the choice of going or not and see how she reacts.

Near time for her own birthday, I might try reading with her some nice kids books of birthdays where only good things happen. My own dd always felt better about things if we had read a book she could relate the experience to. She may even end up picking something up that she does want- like a pinata, from one of the books- you never know.

[fritz]

I definitely wouldn't lie to her about it or force her to sit through a bday party. Rationality and logic don't have much to do with it at this age. I would ask her before the next party if she wanted to go. If she said no, I wouldn't take her. I like the suggestion to make a separate playdate to see the birthday child w/o candles or loud singing. I was also going to suggest hitting the library for some books about birthdays. That would be a great opportunity to explore all the different ways that people can celebrate their natal day.

[Ophelia]

yeah, maybe lay off the bdays for a while. Until then, since it started with the candles, do you think you could slowly get her used to the candles again? Like just have them sitting out and pretend play with them so she can get used to them and not be afraid?

[pelirroja]

These are all such great suggestions. Thank you! I especially like the idea of reading books about birthdays. I never would have thought of that. What a great idea!

I've decided (as you all advised) to stay away from bday parties for a while. A friend told me a story about how her son (now 7 years old) still has a fear of a particular TV cartoon that freaked him out as a toddler. I really hope that birthday parties don't continue to bother dd for that long! There's really no harm in skipping the parties for a few months, but there could be serious harm if she continues to associate birthdays with danger/fear/panic.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. This has been very helpful!

[Neera]

I don't know if this is any help but, my dd came to love candles a few months bfor her 2nd bday and was eager to blow them herself although I don't think she fully understood that her 2nd bday was coming up. the thing is that we watched kiddie bdays on You Tube and of course the whole thing of blowing the candles, the song, clapping and then getting to eat the cake was something that she enjoyeded watching and really wanted to do it herself. I use You Tube a lot, either to introduce her to things or to help her get rid of fears by watching other kids in the same situation.

[pelirroja]

Neera, that's a really good idea. We watch sesame street videos on you tube, and I bet dd would get a kick out of seeing Elmo blowing out candles.

You mamas rock!

[caiesmommy]

This happened w ds! That damn birthday song..he'd fall to the ground and just cry...Other then that he would hae a blast...I just asked the person holding the event to give me a heads up, then I'd take ds into another room(bum change ect)...Sucks when it happens in restaurants, It was my grandmas bday and we specifcally asked that there be NO bday song, but once the cake came out that was it, and my poor ds was screaming in the middle of the restaurant...stupid waiter replied that he thought we we're jokin...and how funny it was...not to ds

[AYmom]

Did this set off other fears for your child?My daughter went to a birthday party two weeks ago and it has set off a bunch of fears for her. A previously independent confident child now gets scared all the time! She saw candles on our table last week and started yelling "no birthday no birthday" - and now she is afraid of our table and would rather not eat than sit there. Did your child leave his fears at birthdays, or has something else ensued?