Birthday party "incident" -- input requested

[limabean]

I know this isn't a big deal, but I thought of this site while it was happening and thought I'd ask for input.

I took my 4yo DS to a birthday party for a preschool classmate yesterday, and there was a bounce house there. The bounce house had a basketball hoop inside it, so there were a few balls in there for kids to shoot hoops.

DS wanted to bounce right away, so I hung out nearby to supervise. Things went well for about 10 minutes, and then a boy showed up and got in the bouncer and started throwing the balls at other kids, pretty hard. His mom had already gone inside so I said, "Guys, let's not throw balls at each other, okay? Let's see if you can make a basket!" and the kid who had been throwing balls gave me a big eye-roll, said "Blahhhh" at me, and kept right on throwing balls at kids. So I invited my DS to come inside and do another fun activity, and that was that for a while.

We did a couple of activities inside, then DS wanted to bounce some more so we went back out. Again, it was fine for a few minutes until that same boy got in and started pushing kids around -- at one point he got a boy on the ground and was straddling him and slapping his face. The mom was outside this time, but she didn't see this happen so I walked over to her and said, "Sorry, but there's actual hitting going on in there..." and she went over and told her son to stop. She threatened to make him get out several times, but she never actually did so, and his behavior didn't improve, so again I invited my DS to come do something else with me.

There's nothing else I could have done, right? I mean, it was too bad that my DS (and a few other kids) couldn't use the bounce house because one kid was behaving poorly, but after trying my best to politely address both him and his mother, there was nothing else to be done, right? Luckily my DS was great about it -- he expressed sadness at not being able to bounce, but I was able to get him interested in other stuff fairly easily.

I actually thought "WWMDCD?" while it was happening, though, and that was the best I could come up with. So, what would MCD really have done?

[vivvysue]

i think you handled it just fine, although i wouldnt have hesitated to ask that bully boy to get out of the bounce house if he couldnt play nicely with other children. i am not too sure how well you know the host or hostess of the party but i would have taken things into my own hands and made his mother remove him by telling her that she had to deal with and manage her child, because he is being a bully and ruining the fun for the other children around him, so she needs to either remove him or make sure his behaviour is appropriate.
i am not very shy tho, and having done daycare for years and years, i have no problem telling children or parents what to do in that sort of situation. i would have done it kindly and gently but firmly and with no room for discussion or chances to let him slap or harm or throw balls etc at anyone else.

in my younger years, i might have been more inclined to distract my child or lead him somewhere else, rather than deal with that sort of behaviour and lack of care by the parent, but nowadays i am more of the mind of why should that little boy have the license to ruin everyone elses fun

hth~

v

[OTMomma]

I probably would have done the same thing at the time. Though you could also have informed the mom in charge of the party of what was going on, she would have more authority to tell the child to get out of the bounce house if he wasn't playing nice- though whether or not she would depends on how confrontational she is. I would probably be pretty mad if it was my kid's birthday.

[LuckyMommaToo]

A lot would depend on how well I knew the other kids/parents. I would have encouraged DS (and the other kids in the bouncer) to tell the disrupter to stop it. I also am not shy, so by the time kids are four, I tend to say, "If you can't play nice then you have to get out." Again, not in a shameful or mean way, but just matter of fact. Younger kids would be different.

You did fine, though.

[Baby Makes 4]

You did fine. I tend to be a bit more assertive after 3 kids so in that situation if the Mother wasn't willing to step in I would have no problem getting in the bounce house and physically removing the child. IMO if a child is being violent towards other then an adult MUST step in and protect the other children even if that adult is not the offender's parent.

[octobermom]

I think you did fine. I would have actually let the host of the party know what was going on as well...

Deanna

[eepster]

It's what I would have done. I'm guessing that as time goes on and parties become more about inviting the childs stated friends and less inviting the whole preschool class, then this child will saddly show up at fewer and fewer parties.

[churndash]

Ugh, how annoying! I would remember that kid so that I was sure to NOT invite him to future parties.

[limabean]

Originally Posted by LuckyMommaToo

A lot would depend on how well I knew the other kids/parents. I would have encouraged DS (and the other kids in the bouncer) to tell the disrupter to stop it. I also am not shy, so by the time kids are four, I tend to say, "If you can't play nice then you have to get out." Again, not in a shameful or mean way, but just matter of fact. Younger kids would be different.

You did fine, though.

Thanks for the replies everyone.

To answer a couple of questions above, this was the first time I'd met any of the parents aside from a quick hello at preschool drop-off. I'd never met the birthday boy's mom before at all. I only recognized two other kids there (DS only goes to preschool 2 days a week and the birthday boy goes 5 days a week, so several of the kids were from the MWF class).

I did encourage my DS to tell the boy to stop, and the boy actually did leave him alone after that (I think between DS telling him to stop and me standing there staring him down he figured it wasn't worth it to bother him), but he kept harassing the other kids in there. It was hard, because some of the kids seemed to know him well and seemed to be having fun with the roughhousing (two little girls in particular were egging him on, running and screaming from him while laughing, etc.), but the boy that he wrestled to the ground and slapped looked scared, and had asked him several times not to throw balls at him/knock him over.

There were a few other moms standing out there with me, but I didn't know which kids were theirs (except for the "bully's" mom), so I didn't know if I should tell the boy to leave the other kids alone, because what if the "victim's" mom was standing right there and knew their dynamic and was fine with it? (Once I saw the pinning down/hitting in the face I obviously did speak up, but I'm talking about the other, more borderline behavior.) I just didn't know anyone or what was normal for them, so I didn't feel as comfortable speaking up as I normally do.

That always seems to be how these situations go -- you think you know what you'd do, but then when the situation really happens there are all these extenuating circumstances that make you second-guess yourself!

[artgoddess]

That is about how I would have handled it as well. What a drag.

[ebethmom]

I think you handled it well. When I'm with kids (and parents) that I don't know well, I try not to correct other kids. I'm always afraid that the sitation will turn ugly. (More with the parents than the kids!)

[4evermom]

You did fine. It's tricky with a crowd and not knowing who is who.

Sometimes I directly ask the kid who doesn't look like he is having fun if he likes playing like that or if he wants the other kid to stop. Frequently kids are a bit ambivalent and giving them a minute to decide whether they are playing or fighting helps them. If the kid says he doesn't like it, I look at the first kid and restate "he doesn't want you to do that." I've been known to stand there and referee reminding kids "the kid in the blue shirt isn't playing your game."

It's really easy for young kids to get off on the wrong foot playing because they just start without talking and some are more physical than others. Facilitating a few things really helps (determining who wants to play that way, finding out each others names, etc).

ETA: I'm not shy about telling kids not to hit so a "Hey! NO hitting!" would have popped out before I went to find the boy's mom.

[limabean]

Originally Posted by 4evermom

You did fine. It's tricky with a crowd and not knowing who is who.

Sometimes I directly ask the kid who doesn't look like he is having fun if he likes playing like that or if he wants the other kid to stop. Frequently kids are a bit ambivalent and giving them a minute to decide whether they are playing or fighting helps them. If the kid says he doesn't like it, I look at the first kid and restate "he doesn't want you to do that." I've been known to stand there and referee reminding kids "the kid in the blue shirt isn't playing your game."

It's really easy for young kids to get off on the wrong foot playing because they just start without talking and some are more physical than others. Facilitating a few things really helps (determining who wants to play that way, finding out each others names, etc).

ETA: I'm not shy about telling kids not to hit so a "Hey! NO hitting!" would have popped out before I went to find the boy's mom.

Those are good ideas. I'm embarrassed to say that I kind of let the boy intimidate me. After he basically told me to kiss off when I addressed him initially, I felt like he wouldn't listen to anything I said, and since he was inside the bouncer and I was outside it (and would have had a hard time getting in), he kind of knew he was out of my reach, and I think that gave him a certain sense of bravado.

Anyway, thanks very much for the replies -- it was kind of nice to have the past wisdom of this place to draw on when considering what to do. In the past I think I would have gotten much more frustrated and stood there annoyed but not doing anything about it. But now I was much more focused on just changing what I had control over, which was taking my DS to another area so that he could have fun without being harassed.

[vivvysue]

Originally Posted by limabean

That always seems to be how these situations go -- you think you know what you'd do, but then when the situation really happens there are all these extenuating circumstances that make you second-guess yourself!

lol, exactly!!! and liek another poster said things can get ugly between parents, :ugh NOT what you want at a bd party at all

v

[mata]

unfortunately it goes with the territory-and I've encountered parents who don't appreciate intervention from another parent. after my 9 and 5 yo have attending many parties over the years, we're pretty particular about which they go to, and the moms all kind of manage to invite the kids that get along well with each other, which is what will probably happen in time for you.

[phathui5]

Originally Posted by Baby Makes 4

You did fine. I tend to be a bit more assertive after 3 kids so in that situation if the Mother wasn't willing to step in I would have no problem getting in the bounce house and physically removing the child. IMO if a child is being violent towards other then an adult MUST step in and protect the other children even if that adult is not the offender's parent.

:

I have four kids of my own and I do childcare. I regularly end up disciplining (not punishing) kids who aren't mine and it doesn't bother me to have to correct them.

[Ceili]

Originally Posted by 4evermom

Sometimes I directly ask the kid who doesn't look like he is having fun if he likes playing like that or if he wants the other kid to stop. Frequently kids are a bit ambivalent and giving them a minute to decide whether they are playing or fighting helps them. If the kid says he doesn't like it, I look at the first kid and restate "he doesn't want you to do that." I've been known to stand there and referee reminding kids "the kid in the blue shirt isn't playing your game."

ETA: I'm not shy about telling kids not to hit so a "Hey! NO hitting!" would have popped out before I went to find the boy's mom.

:

I also tend to physically insert myself between an aggressive kid and the unhappy target.

[LionessMom]

i would have crawled in the bounce house and told the boy to get out. if not i would have stood in front of him so that the other direction would have been the door, and then stepped closer till he backed up and out. then i would have made him take me to his mother. after telling her what happened, i would have looked the boy in the eyes and sternly said "do not do it again". if the kid wouldnt take me to his mom, i would have gave him a stern talking to. if the mom is to busy to watch her child... I am not just going to stand there and let some little kid bully and abuse littler kids. you can confront a child in a gentle way. and if i would have seen him do it again. i would have confronted him the same way again. sometimes all it takes to change a kid is for a stranger to tell them they are doing something unacceptable. jmo.

[karemore]

I think you handled it well. It doesn't sound like the boy would have come out if you told him to anyway, so you handled it the best you could.

We want our kids to learn how to stand up for themselves, but we need to balance that with teaching them to walk away when it's smarter or safer. Since you didn't know the kid or the mother well enough, it was probably both smarter and safer to walk away.